SDTG posted this that everyone ignored and it is exactly what I meant and exactly what I was saying. But I guess all this has been lost in the, what would you call this? Not a debate but more like a slanging match.
"Well - this is a very long thread, so it may be I have forgotten a post - but as far as I was aware, no-one had said that rapists had noticeable characteristics, ones that people should be able to see, so they should know to steer clear of them. Rhubarb said that there are definable characteristics, but being able do define something doesn't mean you can see it from the outside. I suffer from depression - it is a definable characteristic, but you can't tell by looking at me that I suffer depression.
My impression is that people saw the mentions of definable characteristics, and decided that this meant 'definable and visible and if you didn't see them then being raped is your own fault' - which Rhubarb has said clearly isn't what she meant or what she believes, and then Rhubarb was leapt on for that mistaken belief.
Also, fwiw, I'm not Rhubarb's friend, and I think it is wrong to accuse someone of disbelieving rape victims and being a rape apologist. I know that no-one has used the exact phrase, 'You, Rhubarb, are a rape apologist' - she has read the comments aimed at her, and has read between the lines, in exactly the same way that others have read between the lines of her statements, and decided she believes rapists have visible characteristics that should ring alarm bells for women."
Thank you SDTG. And I'm very very sorry Custy that you came on this thread on my behalf and was attacked for doing so. You told me on the phone that your comment about the Christmas do had been taken out of context and you sounded upset about that. hugs FWIW Custy would never threaten anyone, it is not in her nature at all. To suggest otherwise is cruel and unfair. She has been involved in the MN Christmas Do for years and welcomes everyone, whoever they are. She is quiet, kind and generous and the least threatening person I know. To accuse her of anything otherwise is despicable.