What is this?

[trailing]

I've name changed for this.

I live in an Asian country where prostitution and "massage" parlous that offer a "happy ending" (vile phrase) are incredibly common. The street I used to live on had two or three massage parlous or "hairdressing" salons (whore houses) and I was in a smart part of town. The prostitutes are mostly picked up in bars. It is the same in most of the large cities near where I live to the point that I can't name a city in Asia where this isn't common.

On Tuesday I discovered that almost every man I know uses these massage places and have the "happy ending." By every man I do mean every man in my social circle. Not just friends but friends of friends and people I've met a few times down the pub. I'm sure there are some who don't but they are a minority.

If this wasn't sad enough I'm told that the men (and I use the word loosely because I don't have enough respect for any of these scumbags to call them men) have favourite girls and discuss them when the men get together. Yep, this isn't some dirty little secret, something that pervy men do but don't want anyone to know. No, this is out and proud... except...

I'm the only wife who knows. So they clearly know how fucking disgusting and revolting it is and that their wives would geld them if they knew about this.

These men have girlfriends, wives, fiancees, pregnant partners, babies at home, toddlers, children, teens and adult children.

Apart from the issues that my H and I are now going through I feel nothing but disgust and horror at what these men are doing not only to their families but also to the poor girls who work in these massage places. I'm sick and angry and hurt and just fucking beyond it. Yes, by every man I know I do mean every man I know including the one who promised to love me forsaking all others. :(

Firstly how do I deal with all the other men? Should I just smile and pretend I don't know they use other women for their selfish pleasure?

Secondly why do they do this? Because they can? Because they're all tosspot wankers?

A friend of mine said a few years ago that she didn't know one single relationship in this place that didn't involve infidelity. She was right. :(

I agree that your DH needs to prove that he's sorry, not just say it.

He needs to decide what sort of shithead it's most important for him not to be - the one who blabbed (IE turned the light on the vile behaviour of his peers) or the one who decided that camaraderie with them was more important than his relationship with you.

What is very very frightening about this, is how quickly otherwise decent men suddenly turn into monsters. Because it is bloody monstrous, what they are doing. How quickly we human beings acclimatise to the unacceptable and begin to find it normal.

And Trailing, to re-iterate, you do have friends in the UK. We're all your friends and we'll support you any way we can.

This has totally stayed with me all day from the moment I read your op this morning. I second Herbe, please don't feel you're on your own, much support here in UK for you. Safe trip to oz, wishing you luck x

Just another message of support. I hope it helps you to get out of the situation for a while. Sending you strength and moral support from France (you have global support!).

Take good care of yourself x

Oh trailing you poor thing, what a horrid situation.
The only thing I could think of if you wanted your friends to find out is to tell the one person who would blab to the others, but do it in a way where you would have just sort of slipped up iykwim tell her about you troubles with your H and sort of say "and then he says that they're all at it so he thought he'd go for it too!!!" kind of thing, that way, the other wives would find out about it and be able to check them selves out too.

Just an idea !

I have lived in several Asian cities and this does not surprise me at all. Very common behaviour. However, I was under the impression this was accepted - women may not talk about it but they know all right. I suspect your friends know too unless they are very naive. My expat and local friends knew, although they never directly said their male partners did it. Prostitution is not the taboo it is in the West - it just isn't. It is part of life.

It would have been a big issue for me if I'd had a partner out there. It was sort of a factor in why I left as it's so difficult to trust someone with that lifestyle. I can't stay long term in a country where I don't agree with the culture, which is why I'm back in the UK - though there are still many aspects of the culture here I dislike!

Sorry I've just seen that this includes your partner cheating on you - hope you can find a way forward. My advice would be to leave as a family and start afresh elsewhere. Good luck.

it is true that their are aspects of culture here too that are problematic and make an equal relationships with men difficult. in fact that's pretty universal.

obviously prostitution and ease of access and normalisation of it all in those cultures is extreme to us but it does seem an important note to make that cultural factors that work against women having equality in her relationship with men and which encourage men to be less than good partners exist in all cultures including our own.

i think this is part of why i'm single. the odds are so stacked against us. i find it easier to be on my own than to battle with all of that. of course if i'd stayed with someone when i was younger i'd be fighting it out and it would be worth it because i loved them and we had a lot of history etc but the idea of going into now, eyes wide open, seeing the traits and the lifestyle and the culture they are a part of etc is a different ball game.

I feel the same way. Marriage is not worth the cost of failure, and more and more people are realizing this.

I've lived in Asia OP so curious as to where you are. I think living in Asia can distort what is normal for us, especially with men. I think if you want to save your relationship then you would have to leave. Me and many of my friends all saw our husbands change in Asia. It is like an aphrodisiac to them. Feel they are on permanent holiday, their egos go through the roof as they are big boss at work and there is no shortage of young, slim, attentive local girls looking to get themselves an expat , that doesn't even touch on the sex trade and the non stop social life. I don't agree every man indulges but TBH I too have wondered about my husband, you'd be crazy to not at least think about it. Strangely, considering on the surface the wives seem to have the best deal with live in maids, plenty of money, plenty of social time to spoil themselves it was always the women who were more eager to leave the luxury behind than the men. I wonder why.