British men choosing foreign wives for their "Stepfordesqeness"

[margerykemp]

For want of a better word but hopefully ykwim.

Based on my sample size of 4 (doubt if there is research on this) I have noticed British men marrying Mediterranean/Asian women and then experencing v different marriages than their friends with UK wives. The 4 in question are quite mysogynistic in general but the way they treat their wives, I cannot imagine as many ethnic British women putting up with. They are almost slaves, chained to the house, do 100% housework/childcare ( and none of these men work long hours/ have commutes). They have lots of hobbies, wives have none. Car is for their sole use. Etc etc.

So, I have started to think: have these men deliberatly sought out these 'submissive' wives? Is this just a blip in ppl i know or part of a wider trend?

''There was a documentary a few years ago about a man who ran an agency for british men to find brides - in I think it was thailand. ''

SardineQueen I think I saw this one too. His 'submissive' Thai wife left him and he immediately got a new very young Thai woman to parade around.

What I find really striking, is that none of these men have any insight.

How can they have such little self-respect that they will purchase a wife?

And lots fo them kid themselves that this is a real relationship, more romantic and special than those of their friends, that it is something really good they've got here... It doesn't seem to occur to them that only someone who really can't have normal relationships with women, needs to go thousands of miles away to purchase one . They never seem to ask themselves searchng questions, do they?

The sheer lack of insight is incredible to me.

I think they kid themselves that they are deserving of a loving wife, even if they've not found one, and they then feel very proud of the attractiveness and submissiveness of the wives they end up with, because these superior qualities 'prove' they really did deserve a great wife after all.

I suspect they also convince themselves that everyone else's relationships are more or less bargains of some kind, so theirs is no different.

I agree with the lack of insight thing. I always think this when I hear about the Russian bride thing. They know this woman they have met via a website and with whom they probably cannot communicate fluently, is marrying them not out of love but for a chance at having a different lifestyle, or possibly also due the fact that there are a lot more women in Russia than men, they just want a family, specifically children and probably won't be able to have that at home.

Why do these men believe they are loved? I don't get that part. I understand the buyer/seller marketplace mentality of the whole thing but not how you then convince yourself the wife you have "obtained" in this way, loves you.

I don't mean every cross-cultural marriage but specifically this type of mailorder bride set-up.

I remember years ago when I was researching our trip to Lake Baikal, I stumbled across a Russian bride (I think that was even the name or something similar) website run by an American and his Russian wife to organise marriages between western men and Russian women. One man on the forum was complaining that having brought his wife back to the UK, she was not sleeping with him, she demanded money for clothes and whatever else but she barely spoke to him. They were all outraged, she had to be brought into line. Even the Russian women there were saying this kind of thing. I think I was the only person who saw that page who kind of understood the women even if I didn't particularly admire her for what she had done. Seems she wanted to be in the west to have a career as a singer...

I didn't understand it at all. He really thought she cared about him? I suppose he must have and the women, do they think they have to keep to a bargain they've made?

The "daddy" wife-buyer I mentioned earlier claimed that his wife loved him because she fussed over him and did all the housework. I suspect he actually believed that that is what love should look like.

Even my mum, who claimed to be very liberal about this sort of thing, was squicked out by him and never invited him to her house again.

I think I'm going to be sick.

The thing is though, while I'm sure some of these women come from incredibly poor families, some don't. Some are simply there because the people around them value women's lives very, very little.

I saw a documentary about American men meeting wannabe mail-order brides in Ukraine in the 1990s and quite frankly I could see why they were having difficulties landing a partner back home. None of them were exactly 'catches' though they all thought very highly of themselves. None were shy of explaining with completely straight and sincere faces that American women were too like men for their liking (read, 'unwilling to be ordered about'). So delusional, fat under-achievers for the most part. The Ukrainians were all very bright women and it seemed to me they would figure out the truth in no time flat, learn some English and find their feet soon in the US. Hope so anyway. The alternative is unthinkable.

'slightly creepy, socially inept, unclear-of-boundaries men that most women instinctively avoid. They have either had failed marriages very young, or reached the age of 40 or 50 without having a serious relationship at all. DH claims that they often live with their parents long into adulthood'
Yes that's them.

Like some of you, I've known many men who did this deliberately for utterly sexist, repulsive reasons. Their choices are often based on ignorant stereotypes, and I'm happy to say that one or two got more than they bargained for with feisty, no-nonsense brides

I've also known many women in less-well-off countries, who were desperate to snare a European or American man for a ticket out of their home country and a 'better' life. Long-term prostitution, yes, but most of them were part-time prostitutes anyway. Being that poor tends to alter your priorities.

I don't know what those women thought when they succeeded, flew off to German or wherever and found themselves better clothed, fed and housed but living a probably very dull, lonely and frustrating life.

To finish on a cheery note, another middle-aged male friend of mine 'bought' a Russian wife off the interweb. She's great! Far, far more confident and assertive than most English suburban wives, and he loves it :)

I feel nothing but sorry for these men, even though they wouldn't understand for a minute why anyone would pity them. They think they're onto a winner, and of course, they can't miss what they've never had.

Stripeybump touched on it one post - but the thing these men will never have and never understand is a relationship based on friendship, respect, camaraderie, support, being 'in like' with your partner; not just love/lust, laughing like drains over the same things, the knowledge that the other person will always have your back and not just b/c they're expected to, but because they want to and genuinely care about you. They'll never experience sex with someone who actually fancies them rotten and actively wants to get naked with them.

Instead they have little more than a clientsupplier relationship with someone who ostensibly meets all their needs, but whose head, heart and mind they will never get inside and understand, and who will never be able to get into theirs...

Talking about missing out on everything that is important in life.

you accept a husband based on his ability to provide for you and your future children, but then you hope that your love will grow with your marriage

• This is the standard pre-feminist deal, isn't it? Not as dictatorial as compulsory marriage, but still underpinned by the principle of woman as servant. Creating a dependency, it still leaves the wife open to neglect, abandonment or abuse. It doesn't usually play out that way, one hopes, but she's in a fundamentally weak position. Removed from her own culture and support networks, she's even more vulnerable.

Of course Thai women aren't all submissive, pelvically-gymnastic, domestic slaves. But, starting from a disempowered point, they must call on extra reserves of ingenuity and strength (and good luck) to achieve independence. It's not too dissimilar to where your British housewife was in the Sixties ...

... and, sadly, lots of Thai girls still are literally sold.

I think the slave trade is a good comparison, Bob. It's the same level of respect that these women get treated with.

I was going to make the prostitution comparrison, but I think the slave trade sums it up just as well. Only this time, the "slaves" aren't coming to work on cotton fields. It's seedier than that.

It's objectification, Bob, pure and simple ... well, far from simple really. As I see it, those men have a thought process that goes some thing like: "Why can't I find a wife? I've got a jood job, own house and car, brush my teeth in the morning, can use a knife and fork, my mother loves me. What's wrong with all these women?

I own some drop-dead gorgeous, very expensive designer shoes. I've never worn them. I intended to, of course, but the heels are spindly and fragile, the leather has a delicate finish and they're difficult to walk in. They are too special for my lifestyle. I need footwear that can cope with hardship. So they sit in the wardrobe, while I wear sturdier and more forgiving shoes.

Do you not think your friend may have made a similar decision?

(On the other hand - or additionally - Ms Gorgeous may have been abusive.)

The assumption behind dumping a beautiful and feisty woman in favour of a presumably more pliant personality equipped with the right set of bodily orifices, that submissive demeanour = blank slate in every regard (sexual, emotional, intellectual) is very troubling and should be very instructive for all women everywhere.

*'blank slate in every regard according to the view of a man who would do such a thing'