Hoping someone can get my thoughts together and help me.
A long time ago when I was 16 and a virgin, I saw a man at my place of work who I found very attractive. I bumped into him at a pub weeks later and this is what I need help with.
All I remember (I was very very drunk) is him talking to me and saying 'lets go outside'. We ended up about 5 minutes walk away, behind an industrial unit. I didn't know of its existence before this night. I remember lying down and feeling him doing something 'down there' and pain, but thats about it. Most of this I have remembered in flashback since. I got back to the pub somehow but don't remember how. The next morning the whole thing was a blur.
We bumped into each other at work again some days later and he asked me out on a date. We were supposed to go shopping. He drove round and round for ages then stopped in a deserted car park in a rural area. He started kissing me but I said 'come on lets go shopping' so he drove round again. We ended up at the same place and he said it was too late for the shops (it was mid afternoon 
). Anyway, he got on top of me and I said I didnt want to (mainly because we were in a car in broad daylight and I was a virgin (or so I thought)). He ignored this and although used no force just carried on. I didn't know where I was, had no way of getting home and just sort of lay there while he got on with it.
He was 23 and I was 16. He knew I was 16 because of the job I did at the time. He told me straight after that he had a girlfriend who was pregnant with twins (this was true I found out later).
I sat there and made sarcastic remarks about buying baby clothes. I didn't shout scream or yell. He drove me home.
Can any of you help me make sense of this? As a very inexperienced 16 year old I didn't realise for a long while after that he'd probably had sex with me on that first night when I was too drunk to know what the hell was going on. Maybe this explains why he acted how he did in the car, because he thought/knew we'd already had sex?
Why did I act so weirdly? I didn't tell anyone or cry. I did however, go on to sleep with 10 men that year. I felt it was going to happen anyway so I may as well lie there and let it. I'm very ashamed.
I did tell someone recently but they said 'Oh I thought you meant you'd been properly raped, you know by a stranger with a knife or something'. Was I raped? I have no bloody idea.