Found H's porn stash today

[changedchanged]

I've already posted on relationships today and have had some good advice but also feel a bit bashed by others telling me I'm a prude and that I'm over-reacting, etc. So anyway, some of the more sympathetic posters pointed me in the direction of this section for some words of wisdom.....

DH knows I don't like porn. I'm no expert on the politics of it all; all I know is that it makes me feel sick, disrespected, unattractive and disgusted. It also makes me sad for my DDs that they will have to confront this shit themselves someday.

I found a stash of mags hidden in his office. One of them is called Barely Legal - that one obviously hit me the hardest.

I am so shocked. It's easy to say but he is truly such a kind, considerate and lovely person to me and always has been, and a lovely dad to our DC. How can that sit alongside what I've just found?

Please someone give me some words of wisdom. I feel terrible and I don't know what to do.

hang on-i think ive woke up in a diffrent dimention!!
why is it important that the op understands why her DH looks at porn?
its upsetting HER-this is enough-she shouldnt have to try and understand why her DH is looking at porn.
why should the op talk to him and understand so she has less FEAR about it?
why should she be put in a posision where she is having to validate herself?
ok-some men are driven by theyre sex drive but this doesnt make them inexcusable for theyre actions does it-he is upsetting hes DW!
he knows she dont like it!
op-im sorry that this is happening-your feelings are valid!
by the way-just because something seems "normal"-it doesnt mean its right!

First off, I don't believe all the guys ogle underage schoolgirls - and that you accept it as normal, unhappy, is sad.

I still have yet to see one convincing argument why porn is not cheating. Its all excused by the pixels vs flesh theory.

that is not what i'm saying. i also said OP's feelings are valid.

i suggested it's important to understand her DH's motivation because she clearly is terrified about what it means about him - that his desire for porn means he is not the man she thought he was. in that situation it's not enough for him to comply with her demand that he stop. she will still worry that there is something wrong with him. perhaps there is - but she's not going to find out without bringing it into the open. it's not good to live in fear.

signing off now changed, i wish you the best of luck and hope you can refind your trust in your partner.

This barely legal aspect depends on his age imho, if he is 25 then it isn't nearly as worrying as if he was 45 with teenage daughters.
If my DH wanted to look at sexual images of 18 year olds at the age of 46 then I would be utterly horrified and disgusted mainly because we have a grown up dd.
I've just asked DH what he thought of men who like barely legal type porn and he thinks they're sick, especially if they have children of their own.

Barely Legal is teenage schoolgirl outfits/ cheerleader tripe. FYI.

At the end of the day if you hate porn and it upsets you as much as it appears to you can try to 'put up with it' or 'understand it' as others have told you to do but if it upsets you that much it will eat away at your relationship.

I have already posted in the other thread about my opinion on porn and how I have discussed this with my OH and told him that, for me, it is not optional and I won't have it in our relationship. He isn't that bothered by it and respects me and so doesn't use it and has told me that he would never use it, if he went against that and used it then, to me, he wouldn't be the man I thought he was, because the man I thought he was was a man who didn't lie.

I also think that the 'barely legal' thing is just a side issue. I guess that the OP would have felt just as upset if that mag wasn't in the stash she found.

She vomited when she saw the Barely Legal mag. So obv this particular kind of porn was particularly difficult for her.

TBH think if you feel that strongly your unlikely to be able to tolerate a relationship with a partner who uses it- but chances of partner giving it up are...

I loathe this attitude that says if you don't like porn you are some kind of prude. Or 'insecure'. Pornography is grim, and a great many completely un-prudish people agree with that. I read the other threads earlier, OP, and felt really sorry you had to put up with so much crap.

I resent the attitude that says "this is normal, this is the way men are".

People aren't always very nice, they commit crimes, they behave badly. We don't all just say "it's normal, it's the way people are". We don't just accept it, and do nothing. We send them to prison, or ostracise them. It's ludicrous to suggest that because porn use is something that's fairly common, that we should just accept it, and not even oppose it.

And if anyone dares to extrapolate from what I've just said that I think porn users should be in prison, I will be very cross.

Anyway, this isn't especially helpful. But good luck, OP. I would feel exactly the same in your situation.

I do not accept the idea that 'men are different', it's just a fantasy, it's nobody's business but between op & dh- the girls in the magazine are real, it's not a fantasy for them, and it's not a fantasy for op that her dh is doing something which she has told him she finds unacceptable. The onus is on him, not her to 'understand' him; she does understand it and she finds it oppressive.

jenny60, can I remind you that you said this:

I certainly wouldn't want him near mr my DDs if I knew he got off on pictures which simulate children.

Forgive me, but that sounds awfully like implying that OP's husband might not be safe around their daughters if he's looked at BarelyLegal. Why wouldn't you 'let your husband near' your daughters if you found a tasteless magazine? Do you think he'd sexually molest them if he wanked over a magazine full of 18 year olds dressed in silly outfits? What would you do, take out a restraining order?

If you found him with pictures of women dressed in 'naughty nurses' outfits would you telephone and warn the A&E department?

If he had a magazine with older women in it, would you think your mother wasn't safe near him and keep them away from each other 'just in case'?

Yes, I do think it's more helpful to tell OP that men are just genetically programmed to look at tits, bums and legs in any context (even outside a girls' school) than to imply that her husband is a potential child molester and might not even be safe with her children.

And how dare you suggest that because I think legal 'fantasy material' is Ok I would extend the same view to child pornography. That's a pretty offensive accusation, and a specious argument.

I have every sympathy with OP, I really do. But encouraging her to think of her husband, someone she loves, who is a good father and sounds like a good man, as an unsafe pervert is not good.

Men have fantasies that go beyond removing their wife's bobbly cardigan and making love to her. It doesn't mean they don't love their wives, that they aren't good husbands, good fathers or good people.

OP's dh was disrespectful because he brought this into their relationship by bringing into their home, but I really don't think he is just a bad man.

Agreed Diattany, it's a no brainer really and OP I hope you are ok. I have been thinking of you.

Barely legal- how can anyone justify this?

Im pretty sure I once read most of the girls werent barely legal just plain illegal.

Its nasty.

Barely Legal says it all really.
its discusting and the men can get away with it as its-well-legal.
i cant believe that people are basically saying"men are geneticcally proggrammed to look at......................"
yes men look at women and women look at men[or women look at women ect]but it dont mean men are geneticcally programmed to to be perverted.
untill we stop making excuses for this behaviour-they wont take responsibility.[men who do this]
if anyone i knew was sitting outside a school oggling young people-id be fuckin worried-this is not normal.

Thought I should come back to update. We've talked and talked and I do feel a little bit better now. He got them from a friend of his recently and hid them in his office. He said he hadn't had a chance to look at them yet because I'm always there (which is true). Unless I really don't know him at all I am pretty sure the shock on his face when I showed him the barely legal one was genuine. He's dumped them all and is really upset about what he's done to me,and very embarrassed too. He's always 'very stiff upper lip' but he is very wobbly tonight and clearly very scared and worried about what I think of him now.

I know it's not all sorted and the fact that he lied to me in the first place will take some getting my head around.

Thanks to those who didn't think me a prudish old witch. I think I may have just discovered the feminist in me.

I didn't think you were a prudish old witch....I posted on the other thread before I read back and discovered you'd left for Feminism. Anyway I would have been as upset as you to find that stuff. The barely legal mag-horrible. I couldn't stay with DH if he was continually using porn,I feel that strongly about it,so not all women think it is ok.Plenty of men don't like porn either.Perhaps your DH is overly influenced by his friend? Passing on porn mags sounds very teenage to me,are his friends still rooted in that sort of culture?

Pleased to hear that you had a talk and the outcome was positive, even if it may take some time to move beyond it all. It seems to show that this might have been a slip up and he really does care about you and your feelings. Some guys if caught out would just try to excuse or justify what they've done, even knowing the hurt their actions caused their partners.

It's interesting that he said a friend gave them to him. I don't think it's unusual for men who believe it's fine to objectify women to try and pressurise other men into doing the same. That's something my DH gets alot, especially from friends of his brother. He got heavy duty pressure to have a stag party and eventually had to tell them to "do one." He can't be arsed with sexist posturing and has as little to do with them as he can. He thinks some men try and coerce other men to join in because they need to validate that their misogynist behaviour is "okay." Peer pressure isn't something that just happens to children.

Glad you feel better OP.Now how about your husband,do you think he's found a new hiding place? Do you feel better now you've put your foot down? Do you think he will ever be able to look you in the eye again? Do you feel better now you are number one in your relationship?

Thanks for the update OP. I hope you can continue to sort things out.