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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

I'll put this here as you lot might understand... warning upsetting content

57 replies

ManicPanic · 01/05/2011 12:08

Hi y'all

I am a fairly frequent lurker on the feminism topics, I haven't namechanged for this.

I am going to go to the police next week and report 'historic child abuse' from when I was 7/8/9 years old.

I have talked about this in other areas of the board and been told that mumsnet is not the place for it and am I sure I have not misinterpreted his actions etc which really fucked me off so I am putting this here in the hope that you guys will 'get it' / understand me (which I think you will)

I am, to put it politely, bricking it. To sit in a room with strangers and tell them, in detail, what this man did to me. What seems to lessen it in some peoples eyes is that he was 11 years old at the time - though no less a sociopathic, manipulative practised abuser for all that. I know that as far as he is concerned, he owns me. I have suffered for over 20 years because of his legacy. No exaggeration. My relationships, my view of sex, my (non-existent) trust in people, my confidence out in the world (again, zero) all have all been poisoned by him.

It all came out when I was 13 (as I basically lost the plot, started screaming about it and couldn't stop) and I had my idiot teachers and my evil mother explaining calmly how it was perfectly normal what he did to me (so all 8 year olds should have someones hand shoved down their knickers regularly? Really?) and how I was being over sensitive and overreacting and so on. Brushed under the carpet. mum said she might speak to his parents, decided the next day she wouldn't and that was the end of it.

It seems to me no matter how hysterical idiots people get about 'peedos' when it comes to children disclosing abuse nobody believes them, or they tell them that they are being silly. This is killing me. I had a breakdown last october (because of this and other issues) and I can't take anymore. I need to report him. i almost don't care what happens after that, I need to stand up and tell what he is. I am concerned other chilldren are at risk now. I hope that isn't the case but I don't imagine the bastard will have changed (if at 11 he had grooming down to a fine art....?)

Please reassure me that I will be able to do it and that I am doing the right thing. (I know I am)

OP posts:

dittany · 02/05/2011 09:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AliceWorld · 02/05/2011 10:13

I believe you Manic Panic, and will be thinking of you this week. So sorry to hear about what you have experienced both at the time and subsequently. Be kind to yourself.

HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 02/05/2011 12:22

I meant to comment on here yesterday. What a horrible thing to have happened to you. I think you are doing the right thing by going to the Police too so good luck with that. I haven't got too much in the way of advice but just wanted to lend my support.

baskingseals · 04/05/2011 21:11

how are you doing manic
hope all is as well as it can be

mammya · 04/05/2011 21:39

I believe you ManicPanic, I'm so sorry about what you've been through. Good luck with going to the police.

garlicbutter · 04/05/2011 22:53

Yes, do write it, Manic. It helps. Also, in counselling did you do any "empty chair" work? Where you talk to your young self, from your adult pov, and help to support her as you wern't supported then. You can do an empty chair with the boy who did it to you, too, if you're able - writing him a letter (in your journal) can also be very enlightening, and it's less disturbing than the role-play thing.

They say "If you felt abused, then you were abused". That's the thing bullies turn against you - I felt very cross at the flood of minimising editorial over Kate Middleton's revelations about school bullying, she clearly was traumatised. You wer abused. You were not heard You are right to do whatever puts the record straight for you (as long as it's legal!)

Good luck. x

Original poster

ManicPanic · 04/05/2011 23:28

It's me again...
I've been back to the doctors and started taking Prozac, basically to help me cope with everything that is going through my head right now.

Feel a bit like a zombie so I haven't rung the police yet. I need to sort out what I am going to say - it would be really good if I could remember exactly how old I was when it happened, all the places it happened, and how many times it happened. I have no idea how long it went on for even

I have a funny feeling that when I start to piece it all together, then I will remember more details.

I have tried the 'empty chair' thing and felt a bit foolish

I have confronted him years ago when I was about 20years old, I bumped into him in town and basically let rip at him. At first he said I don't know what you are on about, then it was I was young and didn't know what I was doing (he did, he was petrified of getting caught) and then it was I'm sorry. I told him sorry was too fucking late because of all the shit he had caused me. I was addicted to herion when I bumped into him and I made sure he knew that he had played a part in making me so badly fucked up. I also told him that if I ever found out he was doing it again, I would grass him up with no hesitation.

We actually went for a coffee, talked about it (basically just said all of the above) and just before he got up to leave, he kissed me on the cheek. Sick bastard. I just sat there, didn't know what to do. As I said before, he feels like he owns me. I was small and scared and I did what I was told. I also know that the nicey nicey act was just that - I used to see him around the area where I lived and he would stare at me and call my name in a creepy voice. I would be terrified and shake uncontrollably.

I can't let him get away with it.

OP posts:

ThisIsANiceCage · 04/05/2011 23:33

Sorry don't have anything useful to say, just still rooting for you.

Wishing you the strength to carry this through.

AnyFucker · 04/05/2011 23:36

I believe you, MP

I am sorry about the previous reactions you have got x

Original poster

ManicPanic · 04/05/2011 23:42

AnyFucker, you're baaaaaaack? Well back in your old name, that is.

It has been helpful to come on here and be believed - I still have trouble seeing what happened as being 'serious.' Despite the huge impact it's had on me.

OP posts:

GetOrfMoiCase · 04/05/2011 23:51

I am so sorry manic.

Fwiw I am glad that you are able to start getting some help. God knows whether the prozac will help, has the doc offered you any counselling as well? If not is that something you can afford to do privately. Mind you I have never been able to cope with counselling, the only times I have tried I have sat there in furious (why?) silence.

But prozac may well help you.

And I believe you. And I am still so astonished and sorry that you had a negative reaction on your previous thread

AnyFucker · 04/05/2011 23:54

am baaack x

GetOrfMoiCase · 04/05/2011 23:56

quidco · 04/05/2011 23:57

I am so shocked and angry, both at the experiences you had and ther eaction of your mother. It is NOT normal, and you need to report it. the fact that the other person was 11 doesnt make it any different.

AnyFucker · 05/05/2011 00:02

< cuddles getorf >

baskingseals · 05/05/2011 13:38

manic don't doubt yourself or your feelings.
it did happen, it's okay that you don't remember dates and times.

hope you are feeling okay

InmaculadaConcepcion · 05/05/2011 13:45

He sounds like someone who needs to fully understand just how serious his actions were. It doesn't sound like he really appreciates the problems he caused you - "I'm sorry" and a kiss on the cheek, indeed!

MP I hope you're okay today. I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you.

AnyFucker · 05/05/2011 18:31

"if not the poster"

eh ?

AliceWorld · 05/05/2011 18:55

manic - you do what you need to do in the way that feels best for you. It is serious. And I would have thought many people with your types of experience will struggle to remember all the details. Thinking of you.

InmaculadaConcepcion · 05/05/2011 19:01

Meaning, AF, I wasn't sure if you'd continued posting under a different NN or whether you had gone away altogether for a time.
Either way, it was intended as a genuine welcome back

AnyFucker · 05/05/2011 19:21

ah, IC, what I meant was I thought everyone knew I had never gone away with my daft namechanges and general pissing about

I obviously didn't draw attention to myself quite enough

AnyFucker · 05/05/2011 19:22

oh, and thanks for the welcome

InmaculadaConcepcion · 05/05/2011 19:32

It's probably because I've been off the Chat and Relationship threads for a while (I blame my Feminism obsession!) which are the places I used to come across you most, AF...and I'm hopeless at keeping track of namechanges unless it's spelled out to me (some people keep spreadsheets, don't they?)

Er - sorry again, MP

I hope you're okay. Please keep posting if our comments are helping you...

AnyFucker · 05/05/2011 19:35

hoping you are ok too, MP, how are you feeling today ?

IC, chat and relationships are my stomping ground with an occasional foray into AIBU and Feminism

higgle · 05/05/2011 20:06

Manic, you have my sympathy. This is a terrible thing to have happened to you.

I practiced as a criminal lawyer for over 25 years and I would just ask you to examine your reasons for reporting this to the police now. There is really not much chance that a sucessful prosecution will result from a complaint at this stage against someone who was so young at the time.

In many respects it is the right thing to do, it may strengthen your case if other complainants come forward, and if he has continued to behave in this way more recent cases may come to light. There are all sorts of reasons why you should make this known to the authorities, but it may not end in him being brought to justice through the criminal courts for offences against you. Unfortunately the fact that it has gone unreported for 20 years and - and I hate to say this - the fact that your memories on times and dates are not 100% may mean this is not a case the CPS feel they will be able to take further.

You will need to be very strong indeed if they do decide to prosecute him, as he will inevitably plead "not guilty". Believe me his lawyers will try every trick in the book -"procedural technique" - to get him off, and those will include trying to discredit you in the process. Please ensure you have plenty of support in place for yourself if you do decide to put this in the hands of the police. It may be very helpful to you to talk in general terms here but if you say anything about the facts it would be fairly standard these days for a defence team to look at anything posted on internet forums, facebook etc to use against you - so please be careful about exactly what you post on the facts.

Whatever happens next I am sure the police will be sympathetic and gentle, but the criminal justice system itself is not always kind to victims.

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