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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

'Pushing presents'

172 replies

MarionCole · 27/01/2011 21:36

Sorry, a thread caused by another thread. I just didn't want to spoil their party with my negativity.

So - presents from DH/DP for giving birth - am I the only one who feels uncomfortable about them? They strike me as deeply patronising.

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 27/01/2011 21:40

I'd never heard of them before I came on MN. They do seem a very odd idea - "Aren't you a clever girl then" sort of vibe to me.

Carrotsandcelery · 27/01/2011 21:43

I feel the saem Marion - I find the whole idea deeply offensive. It is almost like payment for what you have done Shock

StewieGriffinsMom · 27/01/2011 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trebuchet · 27/01/2011 21:44

wasn't like that for us. Dh wanted to give me something beautiful because he was so thrilled, almost a memento. Its just like my wedding ring. I see dh every day but I still look at my wedding ring and feel really happy when I remember our day.

TheCrackFox · 27/01/2011 21:47

DH gave me a coffee pot. Confused I don't know what that says about us as a couple.

Original poster
MarionCole · 27/01/2011 21:47

I know this is a bit of an extreme comparison, but it feels akin to "DH buys me jewellery if I have sex twice a week".

I had a child because I wanted one, being paid for it would make me feel like a brood mare.

Think I should spend more time on the feminism boards Smile

OP posts:
Carrotsandcelery · 27/01/2011 21:48

I understand the wedding ring/symbolism idea - but then you exchange rings with each other. I don't think people are giving their partners presents when babies are born but I would be delighted to be corrected on that matter.
My dcs are momentoes of the occasion and we made them together.

Carrotsandcelery · 27/01/2011 21:49

This is the first time I have commented on this board Marion - I feel I may like it Grin

yousankmybattleship · 27/01/2011 21:50

I don't like the idea either. If there is ever a moment to feel like truly equal partners it is on seeing your new baby and setting out on that adventure together. For one partner to give the other a reward just seems wrong and upsets that balance.

StewieGriffinsMom · 27/01/2011 21:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

greedychops · 27/01/2011 21:52

Not in my view. If it's called a pushing present, then maybe yes. I think if you expect a present for producing a child, then that is a bit odd.

I don't think there is anything wrong with a spontaneous gesture from a dh/dp who is proud of their partner for going through the pregnancy and birth.

Eleison · 27/01/2011 21:52

It is a bit silly and offensive. I suppose because a present seems a bit of an irrelevance compared with a supportive engaged presence. It would make me feel indulged and pandered to, rather than helped and cared for.

Also, I HATE this trend of turning everything into a consumer event. I hate presents for teachers for e.g. It turns all forms of support, gratitude, celebration, kindness into commerce.

Trebuchet · 27/01/2011 21:55

What's wrong with a gift? If my dh brings me a bar of whole nut and the times I don't feel obligated to give him a blow job. Whatever floats your boat but I would worry if we had to weigh up every last thing to keep it "equal", we don't flat share fgs we're lovers. Sometimes you just feel like doing fabulous things for each other when you are overwhelmed with love. Who would say no thanks keep your passion I want to remain "equal" and by the way I've marked the milk so don't be drinking mine.Grin

sethstarkaddersmackerel · 27/01/2011 21:56

I don't think it's such a bad idea. It's a way to express acknowledgement of the fact that yes you made them together but you did the hard bit. I mean sometimes the way men talk about babies (have seen this on tv I mean) is as if it's the woman wants them and the man very kindly agrees to let her have one as a special favour and generously gives her some sperm then pays for it all out of the goodness of his heart. So something that says thank you is not inappropriate as a bit of symbolism.

but I can see that in the same way as a wedding ring might once have meant ownership, it might almost feel like a swap - 'thanks for the baby love, here's a chunk of silver in payment' Confused

JaneS · 27/01/2011 22:01

Well, I don't have kids so I'm not really qualified to comment.

But DH wears his engagement ring and wedding ring, and until quite recently neither of those were usual for men, because these rings were symbols of women being 'owned' or 'taken. I quite like the idea of DH and me buying rings to celebrate a child's birth, should we be lucky enough to have one.

Calling it a 'pushing present' is creepy and wrong, though.

(Subtle analysis, I know ... Blush)

JetLi · 27/01/2011 22:01

DP brought me a small red wine & a plate with 5 different types of blue cheese. Twas the most wonderful thing. I was sat with the breast pump 24 hours after DD was born and he just silently came into the room and popped the stuff down on the bedside table & left again.

sethstarkaddersmackerel · 27/01/2011 22:05

LOL JetLi. I spent many pregnant hours fantasy cheese shopping on the internet.
some of the cheese companies did special occasion gift packs and I always thought they were missing a trick by not doing 'congratulations on your new baby' ones.

Carrotsandcelery · 27/01/2011 22:08

JetLi that doesn't sound like a "push present" to me.

That is just one partner pampering a very sore other partner.

It is not things like that which offend me. It is the months and months of discussion of which antique ring, necklace etc their dh will have to buy them for having dc that offends me.
Little signs of love and partnership are not offensive at all.

AliceWorld · 27/01/2011 22:08

Not just me then. A bunch of flowers, treaty food or something like that, that you would get for anyone who'd had a bit of a tough time, but I find the idea of being given some symbolic gift a bit Hmm It's like a thank you for giving them a child to my mind, makes the mother seem like someone providing a service. Can't quite place my finger on why...

TheCrackFox · 27/01/2011 22:09

Some people really like jewellery - I can take it or leave it TBH.

Lamorna · 27/01/2011 22:11

It never occurred to me.We both got a present of a healthy baby.

Carrotsandcelery · 27/01/2011 22:12

Exactly Lamorna

thefirstMrsDeVere · 27/01/2011 22:15

My OH looked after the other children whilst I spent a week faffing about in bed with DC4 & 5. He kept the house tidy, kept them all fed, let me sleep and feed my baby. He went up the shop and got me the papers.

Yeah I know he should do all these things but he has got MS and we do have lots of kids.

He has never ONCE bought me even so much as a bunch of flowers after giving birth. I do remind him of this every so very often. But I dont mind really.

Normantebbit · 27/01/2011 22:17

I occasionally see threads where op is whining that her DP didn't get her an expensive gift for having the baby.

And I just think 'grow up you silly cow' which is probably deeply unfeminist but there you go.

TheCrackFox · 27/01/2011 22:19

Dh was my personal slave after having the DCs which was, well, lovely.

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