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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

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Original poster

'Pushing presents'

172 replies

MarionCole · 27/01/2011 21:36

Sorry, a thread caused by another thread. I just didn't want to spoil their party with my negativity.

So - presents from DH/DP for giving birth - am I the only one who feels uncomfortable about them? They strike me as deeply patronising.

OP posts:

Original poster

MarionCole · 27/01/2011 22:21

When DH came into hospital to visit the morning after DS was born, he brought me a copy of the Guardian. Exactly what I wanted

OP posts:

NancyDrewHasaClue · 27/01/2011 22:23

Agree with trebuchet.

Plus of course there is nothing equal about having a baby - As I recall it was me who threw up every morning, curtailed my diet, couldn't walk properly, cried over stupid TV adds, got leaky breasts and a saggy tum, became a sleep deprived zombie, wee'd when I laughed (and don't even get me started about the trampoline!) missed wine, was incapable of inteligent thought let alone conversation etc etc

Of course it was all worth it but a little recognition and celebration is always nice

iwastooearlytobeayummymummy · 27/01/2011 22:24

He went out and got a tumble drier, does that count?

Normantebbit · 27/01/2011 22:27

Now a tumble drier is true love IMHO

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 27/01/2011 22:29

well, EXP didn't buy me a present when i gave birth but he did bring me flowers. i thought it was nice. i didn't see it like he was saying "well done you". i saw it more as an acknowledgement that what i had just done was pretty tough going and he wanted to make me feel better about it all. nobody feels great straight after giving birth so a i guess a little present or flowers to cheer you up isn't all that bad.

MissQue · 27/01/2011 22:30

I think that after going through the trouble of gestating and giving birth to their child, then a present is the least I'd want

Original poster

MarionCole · 27/01/2011 22:36

But it's not giving birth to 'their' child, it's 'our' child, or even 'my' child. I had DS because I wanted to, not because DH wanted me to.

OP posts:

iwastooearlytobeayummymummy · 27/01/2011 22:36

thinking about it tumble drier DC1, replacement washing machine DC2, replacement tumble drier DC3 and replacement dishwasher DC4 ( should have got shares in Currys)

Then a vasectomy, best 'pushing present' ever

JaneS · 27/01/2011 22:39

If you and your DP both got some kind of memento at the same time, would you object?

Normantebbit · 27/01/2011 22:43

Yes DP practically ran from the maternity ward to the GPs for his vasectomy after DD3! He's an old romantic...

Original poster

MarionCole · 27/01/2011 22:43

LittleRed - no I wouldn't, it would feel more like a momento and less like a payment.

OP posts:

TheCrackFox · 27/01/2011 22:47

I have my stretchmarks as a lovely momento - sigh.

mamatomany · 27/01/2011 22:48

Reading far too much into it if you ask me, a bit of bling to cheer up the new mum who's tired, maybe had major surgery, really is that unacceptable ?

JaneS · 27/01/2011 22:50

Marion - so do you not celebrate your DCs birthdays? Or do you reckon that's a different way of spending money?

I find it confusing myself but I expect I will change when/if I have children.

Laursapoops · 27/01/2011 22:54

What NancyDrewHasAClue said.

Original poster

MarionCole · 27/01/2011 22:55

Have all my allies gone to bed?

OP posts:

JaneS · 27/01/2011 22:55

Argh, sorry Marion, I read that wrongly because I am pissed knackered. Sounds good!

I find it very sad when occasions for giving presents are gender-biased: it's not based on romantic ideas, it's based on canny guesses as to who is usually the major earner. So, instead, I buy DH flowers and I bought him an engagement ring, and so on. Everyone likes being bought presents and it's a nasty thing in our culture to suggest women deserve the majority of presents.

I love the idea of DH and me both buying some kind of lasting item if/when we have a child - I've never heard of a child who liked having a charm bracelet to add to year by year, but I can imagine it would be nice to say to an adult child that we have rings that were bought to celebrate his/her birth, maybe?

Original poster

MarionCole · 27/01/2011 22:58

That sounds better LittleRed

OP posts:

StuffingGoldBrass · 27/01/2011 23:03

Well DS dad and I weren't really on speaking terms when DS was born so it wasn't applicable in our case. I did get flowers from friends and a former employer, and that Christmas my mum gave me a necklace with DS name engraved on it.

I can sort of see the logic behind it, a gift as recognition that while you're both new parents, the woman has done the hard, painful bit and might appreciate a treat of some sort.

NancyDrewHasaClue · 27/01/2011 23:07

But a "push present" and I do loathe that term is not gender biased it is work biased.

One of the couple bore the brunt of the discomfort and burden and has had their life turned inside out far more than the other that is what a gift acknowledges surely?

So I don't understand the argument that to suggest it is the woman that deserves the present is nasty.

MissQue · 28/01/2011 00:28

I didn't have a baby as a favour to my ex, I had a baby because WE wanted to have one, but as I did most of the work, I don't see why I shouldn't get a treat at the end of it to say thanks, I love you.

sakura · 28/01/2011 01:35

not sure what I think, never heard of it before this thread.
It depends on the spirit of it I suppose. I can see why the idea niggles. It's almost like.. how can I put it.. it's like gifts/jewels/money are staking ownership of the progeny
On one level the idea of a gift for giving birth doesn't make sense to me at all.

Jetli's husband's gesture would have really hit the spot though.
Yes, I think that's the problem. Nurturing a new mother, the mother of your child, is one thing, but giving her a prezzie for pushing the baby out doesn't sit well with me.

sakura · 28/01/2011 01:37

Flowers would be nice as well, but that sort of goes in the nurturing box

madwomanintheattic · 28/01/2011 02:14

sakura, mm. i'd be a bit worried that the chap doing the buying of an expensive gift wasn't intending to do any nurturing or childcare/ rearing lol, sort of discharging his responsibilities to do with the offspring - and would always have the 'well, i bought you that x/y/z' as a comeback if the woman dared to mention the obvious inequalities. i'm also worried that a woman who demands an expensive item of jewellery isn't really taking the whole thing as a joint enterprise - doesn't bode well for the next ten years.

i've never heard of the term 'pushing present' though... dh was just as knackered as i was every time, i think, i'm not sure it crossed his mind that i'd be wanting paying for my endeavours. our baby, our future, our life-changing event, our commencement of sleepless nights and nappy changing... my present? weird. (but i did enjoy the blue cheese and vino when it appeared)

the more i think about it, the more it creeps me out. speaking as someone who has a child that suffered brain damage due to birth hypoxia, would i not have qualified for a gift, as i didn't deliver a perfect specimen? (of course i would have had the first two 'gifts' to fall back on, to remind me that if i tried hard enough, i could manage to get it right...) yick. i'm quite glad that dh didn't start that little tradition tbh.

sakura · 28/01/2011 04:51

yes.. what if the child is born with problems. wouldn't a piece of jewelry seem irrelevant, even gauche and out of place.
OTOH, I agree with SSM that birth is often trivialised by men. Childbirth is an enormous accomplishment, and that should definitely be acknowledged by the father-- but he doesn't have to put a price on it

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