'Pushing presents'

[MarionCole]

Sorry, a thread caused by another thread. I just didn't want to spoil their party with my negativity.

So - presents from DH/DP for giving birth - am I the only one who feels uncomfortable about them? They strike me as deeply patronising.

Since woman accept "baubles and trinkets" without much criticism throughout the rest of their lives (birthdays/Christmas/graduations)I am curious as to why there is so much condemnation when one is received in respect of an event which many woman cite as the biggest achievement/best day of their life.

A great deal of the unpleasantness surrounding the concept, starting principally with the vulgar term "push present" has stemmed directly from and is perpetuated by the female media (and by that I mean female journos writing for female magazines). I have lost count of the number of articles about "grubby grabbing yummy mummys who compete (natch) for the biggest rock all at the expense of just being happy" type articles that have been peddaled over the past few years.

They are always derogatory, often spiteful and frequently come across as just another stick with which to beat a woman who doesn't conform to the authors opinion of how a woman should behave: "a sparkly necklace- how shallow! What a dreadful specimen you must be!"

In real life I have never met a woman who either expected or demanded financial recompense for giving birth. I have however met a number of woman who received lovely gifts at the time their DC were born.

The specific reason was often personal and private - from the friend who craved Stilton being given a pot whilst tucked up in bed with the baby, to the friend with a penchant for jewellery who was given a ring made from her sons birthstones.

I understand why some woman would personally not like a particular gift, but I find it difficult to understand why some woman would not like any gift. Asfor the woman thatchoose to get offended about the gifts received by other woman my mind boggles.

Ooh that was long - bee in my bonnet - moi?!

I do find the symbolism of gifts given at the time of the birth of a baby to be incredibly strong. Even if it is a bracelet,, cheese or beautiful blanket. The association with the birth makes is stronger than anything else, ie for Christmas and will last a lifetime (for me anyway).

"will last a lifetime"

Although perhaps not if it is the cheese you have been craving?!

Haha I did think maybe not the cheese .

Of course having given up work for a few years a spare 10 grand swilling around for each birth, (let alone a spare 80k per year for loss of earnings), is a bit harder to find.

More concerned about muddling together to pay school fees, mortgage etc

But yes if dh had a couple of 100k up his sleeve I might ask for a pension fund or something instead of a bracelet.

But it's all shared these days. I don't want dh to waste 2k on something that won't even be that nice.

Well, DH gave me nothing....the midwives got chocolates. I thought they were for me, but oh, no nice big boxes of chocolates for the midwives., (The consultant got nothing, but DH really, really wanted to name DS1 Abdul after him, so that was kind of sweet, but I put my foot down)

With DS2 I asked for a balloon. One of those helium "It's a boy/girl" ones. Just so I could tie it to my hospital bed, but apparently DH thought I was joking.

I gave up with DC 3, gave birth at home,and gave up hope of any acknowledgement of what I, yes I, not we had been through.

But do you know what? If DH had gone through 9 months of pregnancy, episodes of bleeding, five months of throwing up, and was unable to walk for a month before giving birth, and then produced the most adorable, brilliant, amazing little bundle after a 36 hour labour and obviously a huge amount of pain I would buy him a brand new alpha-romeo as a thank you present. I would be very proud of him, and damn bloody grateful.

"And a ring or a bracelet doesn't really cut it in that context. He's got off cheaply."

Well, I lost a lot of income, yes but so has DH. He's often wistfully looked at material items (friends cars to be precise) and he's known it's be a choice of happy me at home with DC/ or a new car. So although he didn't buy me a push present, he never got off cheaply. Loving me has cost him an awful lot in financial terms.

It never even occured to either of us that DH should buy me a present for giving birth. He was in too much shock

dittany, DH's income has been affected as he has had to support 3 DC, plus myself, while I was not working.

Yes, I probably do value him more than he values me. It was one £5 balloon forgodsacke, and he had 3 years warning, and constant reminding. I just wanted 1 balloon to keep me company in hospital during that first day with a newborn.

Yes, I don't think DH values me producing a child as much as I value the production of my children. I think I might go and buy myself a damn nice push present now I'm earning again.

Dittany I think the point is more often than not that the vast majority of people are not spending the sort of money on gifts that would make so much as a dent in a pension fund.

Additionally many woman continue to work after the birth of their children and their incomes are not always affected.

It would be sad to have lots of trinkets and no financial security when men are in a position to offer that but in most cases don't think that is what we are referring to.

It's the thought that counts. And the issue here is what the thought was behind the 'push present' (why do things always sound more vulgar when they have catchy names?)

With DS, my lovely DH made some chicken liver pate and brought it into hospital with a nice plate and some crackers and butter - lovely.

With DD, I wasn't in very long but he had roasted a chicken for me which I devoured when we got home! (Sorry, all food-related - but he knows me well)

So, no eternity rings, no 'reward', but wouldn't have minded those either and I'm sure if the situation was reversed, I would have got him something. In fact, when he looks after the children (not often) for a couple of days when I go away with work, I often bring him back a little something because I am grateful for his efforts.

Not sure what it has to do with feminism - surely it objectifies women more NOT to be grateful to them for the effort of pregnancy and birth. I wonder what same sex couples do, apropos of nothing - if one of them carries and delivers the baby, does the other one buy a 'push present'??

Good point with the same sex couples...

dh bought me a huge bouquet and a set of paintings he knew i liked. it made me happy. having dd by crash c section was a terrifying ordeal for both of us. dh bought me things because he felt very helpless during the birth (which i think many men do) and it was his clumsy way of trying to make up for what i went through.

my dh is deeply patronsing toward me about many, many things so don't think i dont understand the concept - he told me off this am for the changing bag (which he doesn't use) being messy - git. however getting presents post birth just made me happy - no feelings of being patronising at all.

but thats me. unlike my dh (meh another story) i believe in owning your own feelings. if you felt patronised by getting birth presents then thats how you felt :-(

I feel more patronised by other people's expectation of gifts or that only certain types of gifts count.

My DD2 was born the day before my own birthday, happily at home, but I had complication with the placenta (reacted to the drugs meant to speed it up) so I'd had a scary and upsetting hospital transfer. My husband was there through it all until we were in the clear, and the next morning (my birthday) he brought in a big bag of things I needed for the hospital stay as well as bag with shiny new notebooks and pencils (I love writing, and shiny sharp pencils). When he left, I got to hear one of the medical staff go on and on about how my husband hadn't brought me a birthday card or balloons or any shiny trinkets. I felt really patronised that my husband's display of affection wasn't good enough because it didn't include x.

Pushing presents should be between the partners involved. It's patronizing to say only certain types things make women happy on an occassion.

I don't really understand the ire on this subject.

I would understand the issue from a feminist perspective if such gifts existed because of the financial disparity between men and women, or if they really were payment for having a baby. But in fact I think giving gifts to mark special occasions is fine. Me and my DH are pretty equal financially and, if he bought me some jewellery after I had a baby, that would be little different from me buying him a gift or two to cheer him up if he too had had surgery involving being cut from hip to hip.

If jewellery was the sole reason for having a baby I suspect that it would take an awful lot more than a tennis bracelet to convince anyone to have one, and the population would dramatically decline.

I laughed quite hard at some of the outrage on the thread, and the lofty protestations of the "I had a baby, I didn't need a present" type. How does the odd trinket take away from having a baby? It doesn't.

i don't understand the problem. i think traditionally it started with giving an eternity ring on the birth of your first child. I offered this to DW but she didn't want it. She got cash to buy clothes when she was happy with her shape again, and with second baby got an iphone so she could mumsnet the night away while feeding. intention wasn't to patronise her or financially compensate her, but to 'spoil her' a bit after months of pregnancy and then a birth. i can't think of many groups more deserving of a nice present than new mums!