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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

'Pushing presents'

172 replies

MarionCole · 27/01/2011 21:36

Sorry, a thread caused by another thread. I just didn't want to spoil their party with my negativity.

So - presents from DH/DP for giving birth - am I the only one who feels uncomfortable about them? They strike me as deeply patronising.

OP posts:
Eleison · 28/01/2011 10:16

Perhaps the problem is giving a special name to a gift, and discussing it as if it were a matter of conventional expectation, rather than as something a partner may and may not do depending on a couple's particular relationship. That is what seems to make it offensive to me. Partly because it is humiliating to be thought of as expecting something material at that time; partly because it reduces such fullness and complexity of feeling into something conventional and commercial; parly because it is a displacement of the kind of concern that you really want from your partner after birth.

A spontaneous giving is different altogether from a convention.

StewieGriffinsMom · 28/01/2011 10:17

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Blackduck · 28/01/2011 10:17

Amum - exactly - its the expectation thing that is the bit I am Hmm about. And the whole 'its the right thing to do'. Who said? Hence the reason I said it sounds like a great marketing campaign. Men you must buy you wife a lovely on the birth of your child.....

Eleison · 28/01/2011 10:19

oh whoops. I said what AMum had already said.

HopeForTheBest · 28/01/2011 10:26

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wukter · 28/01/2011 10:28

Blackduck. It was my DH's friends who said it's the 'right thing to do'. Like buying your wife a present at Christmas.

HopeForTheBest · 28/01/2011 10:31

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Eleison · 28/01/2011 10:34

I don't think of it as primarily an issue to do with sexism. It seems of a piece with the horrible trend towards sanctifying every occasion with a trip to the shops. Baby showers, thank-you gifts for teachers, Christmas presents for teachers. All horrible. All lining the pockets of retailers. Can't we do anything without going to the shops?

sakura · 28/01/2011 10:44

tbh, I think you're spot on there Eleison
I think that's what I was getting at with my 'commodification' spiel
Is nothing sacred Confused

HopeForTheBest · 28/01/2011 10:49

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ThePosieParker · 28/01/2011 11:00

We do give gifts to mark occasions, baby showers are grabby and always worry me about what happens if the baby doesn't arrive safely.

On mother's day my DH buys me a charm for my lol bracelet, this is to say thank you for being the full time carer of our dcs.

wukter · 28/01/2011 11:07

I agree with the commodification trend. OTOH if you are a family that generally buy into that (heh heh) how hurtful would it be NOT to receive a gift when everyone else, teacher, colleagues, etc gets one? (for much less justification, may I add)

Also while birt is sacred it is also the most physical and earrthly thing you can do. Mundane in the most real sense of the word. Why not honour that with a material gift? (Just being devils advocate, for a bit.)

Bue · 28/01/2011 11:16

Indeed, give this trend time and it will become another DeBeers "How can two months' salary last forever?" campaign. The real winners will be the diamond jewellers. Gross.

HopeForTheBest · 28/01/2011 11:17

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ThePosieParker · 28/01/2011 11:17

This 'trend' ....isn't it at least a couple of generations old?

wukter · 28/01/2011 11:22

Could be Posie. I just know it dates back at least 2 years.

ThePosieParker · 28/01/2011 11:31

I'm sure my Aunt was bought an eternity ring when she gave birth 42 years ago...my parents were too poor!!

NancyDrewHasaClue · 28/01/2011 16:37

My grandmother who is in her 90's was bought a piece of jewellery when each of her 4 sons was born. Those pieces were then given to the sons' fiances on the occassion of their engagement.

I now wear the piece that my grandmother was given when my father was born.

dittany · 28/01/2011 19:12

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MarshaBrady · 28/01/2011 19:16

I didn't know that this went on until I saw it on mn. Especially those that get rings etc

But for ds2 I did buy myself a beautiful little bright green children's rocking chair from SCP. Bloody love that chair. And that I bought it!

(I do have a generous dh btw, this was just my thing).

dittany · 28/01/2011 19:24

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MarshaBrady · 28/01/2011 19:30

I'm not small but I can fit in it.

Not sure if that is bad or good! (for this thread)

sakura · 29/01/2011 00:28

"I think there is something there about women being bought off by trinkets and baubles, whilst men keep the wealth to themselves. "

MarshaBrady · 29/01/2011 08:44

Most couples have joint accounts, women have access to and knowledge of finances. Even if they do not earn £.

Many threads on here will have people post 'it's our money'.

So no, that isn't the problem for me.

I wonder what it is. I felt active and in control during the birth and choosing and buying something to celebrate it felt natural. Or maybe the adornment with something pretty but no use.

(Or maybe it's just because the Idea of ewellery doesn't appeal to me.)

GinaFordsDrugMule · 29/01/2011 08:46

lucky to have a partner at all really

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