What does someone actually mean when they say "I'm not a feminist"?

[TheFeministParent]

For me it means that either:
a) they are a man
b) they think feminist means militant lesbian
c) they think feminism has no relevance.

The majority of insults on these boards are directed at feminists.

Ah but see, LeninGrad, that's where I disagree. If I see or hear something which I believe to be wrong and unfair, I would comment. In the same way that I would say if someone makes a sexist remark at work, which I would have thought you would agree with. Sometimes being quiet is deemed the same as agreeing with someone. I'm not saying anyone should be stopped from saying whatever they feel, but if you don't agree or feel it is sexist / bullying or whatever, I think it odd to just keep quiet and look the other way.

From other feminists?
That's why I asked if earwicga was a feminist or not.

OK, deep breath.

Whew.

I think I am a feminist, and if not, I want to be one. I have lurked a bit on this topic for a while and on this thread and wondered how you all might help me.

I don't want to get into this particular debate and I am not going to comment on the earlier comments on non-feminists, but you can all use me as a test case if you want (how to convert/educate a willing would-be feminist). I never considered myself a feminist growing up and while I always valued my education and career, I always thought, secretly, that a woman's place was in the home and that when the time came I would step back from my career and look after any children that came along. I always assumed that it was more important for the man to be the breadwinner and to provide for his family. There, I've said it. This was a result of my family and upbringing and the values inculcated in me.

I have frequently been subjected to sexual discrimination in the work place. Most of it fairly blatant and overt. I have been made aware on many, many an occasion that I am less suitable for a job because of my sex.

I have a 10 month old DD and having 'done it all' for the last year (going back to work when she was 8 wks old) I am fairly convinced of my own capabilities and feel far more secure and superior than I did when I was younger.

Of course, when I was younger, prettier, slimmer and not a mum life was easier. Doors were opened for me, literally and metaphorically. I never 'used' my sexuality in the work place, but certainly I was given opportunities which I would struggle to come by now if I was starting out from this point.

I do have to warn you though that I have had abit of an epiphany and I may have said things previously on MN that don't fit in with my new way of thinking. (I sound a bit glib and insincere, but I am not).

I want to bring up DD to feel capable and equal, and to care enough to be able to address inequality where she sees it.

I want to do more - I need to perservere with my career to prove to other women coming into my industry that you can be a mother and you can continue to work (so I need to get off MN and work a bit harder! :o )

I need to stop moaning to DH about not taking the bins out, or hanging the pictures that need to be hung, or assuming that he will take charge of certain things at home. If something needs doing, I will do it.

I need to address inequality where I see it.

I have been thinking for a while that I would like to change the way people address me (i.e. no longer Mrs DH Surname) but not sure how I can change that. I think changing back to my maiden name may suggest tthat I am in some way shunning DH!

Can anyone recommend any good resources for me?

Please be nice to me... I realise that I may sound totally ridiculous (maybe a turning 30 crisis).

By the way, this isn't meant to be a thread hijack, I just thought it would be appropriate to post here, as there are some differing views on how to treat non-feminists, or those who proclaim not to be a feminist. I want to proclaim that I am a feminist, but I feel a bit like a hypocrite, hhaving had such an epiphany.

*By the way, if you search for me, you will see that I recently started a thread about losign baby weight. I do want to lose my baby weight, this is partly health and partly vanity.

Fair enough, I did think that was wrong and uncalled for, so yes, I probably should say something. I think there was one other thing up thread that I thought wrong too. I guess I didn't comment as I thought just about every person on this topic would. Doesn't make me right, so I take your point.

MisSalToeKisses wrote - "in the better ones the majority would try and dissuade someone from making cheap insults, whereas here it was just ignored as if everyone agreed, which I know isn't necessarily the case."

The insult might actually be true, of course. We can also get into grey areas about perception and opinion.

I'm not saying that necessarily applies to this thread.

"The insult might actually be true, of course."

I rest my case and will leave you to it.

Thanks Lenin for your reply.

I took so long to compose my post that I have come back to find the thread has moved on to a different tangent.

flyingcloud

Glad to hear you're open minded. This article may interest you, feminism is not necessarily about doing everything a man can (of course we are as capable!) but it's about being equal in relationships as well as other areas of life. You mention having it all - not something men generally have to think about - does your husband take equal responsibility for the care of your child for example? 2/3rds of married board level men have children whereas only a third of female board level married women do and threads like this alert me to inequalities in everyday life.

MisSalToesKiss - I posted the d) (men hater one) and did not mean to be insulting to other women, but frankly if you read other threads in this section that is exactly the perspective that is presented by some people with regards to some feminists. It almost certainly isn't true of all women, but is an arguement that is used. I would not label any other woman as stupid or vain or whatever, but see people on these threads take amazing amounts of abuse for their stance.

Oh no...I am newly naming myself a feminist....I have personal insults on these boards, thanks[grin.

However many a MNer comes to the feminist section to insult.

Yes - going back to work when DD was 8 weeks old was a mistake, for me definitely. DD so far has no ill effects. I would like to take my full entitlement next time round (but have already been gently warned not to do it this year as it was a bit of a disruption last time round, in 2010).

Yes, my DH does a lot - I would say everything is pretty equal in our household. Although I have 'volunteered' him to cook one night a week for the next year, (a meal which must be made from scratch and must include one vegetable :o )

Thank you for reading!

I wrote - "The insult might actually be true, of course."

MisSalToeKisses wrote - "I rest my case and will leave you to it."

I hope you don't think that I am condoning insults, because I'm not. Also, I am not saying that because an insult is true (i.e. factually accurate), it is any less of an insult.

I don't see how my comment can lead to you "resting your case".

MIsSal....surely being a feminist is not turning away...

/mis not mjin!!

I think it wasn't aimed specifically at you, mjinsparklystockings. I have seen some people come onto the feminist boards knowing that they are posting a viewpoint directly in conflict with many of the aims on the board.
But sometimes it's hard to tell when a spat begins and it's between regular posters who all consider themselves feminists, and it oversteps the boundaries of what I consider to be reasonable argument and becomes personalised.
Insults are usually offered from a very subjective viewpoint in whatever situation they are given, and the giver usually considers it to be an accurate description and true.
I tend to avoid engaging with posters whom I know I am likely to find no common ground with, wherever I am posting. To be at loggerheads is not useful for either poster.