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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Does your 'gaze' age with you? (Really this one's for the over 30s)

64 replies

StuffingGoldBrass · 31/12/2010 18:52

Mainstream culture is always banging on about the idea that older women are so unattractive as to be invisible but we all age, and not all of us older people are safely locked into monogamy, so I was just wondering - if you are over 30, do you find yourself less sexually interested in young men (or women) and more interested in your own contemporaries, or not?
I find myself more inclined to give a rueful pleased glance to a gorgeous 20 year old and move on these days, for instance, and genuinely more inclined to seek out over 40s if I'm in the mood to be on the pull (I am 46)... but at the same time I want them to look nice, not totally past it.

OP posts:

sakura · 01/01/2011 12:55

I used to be more concerned with "chemistry" and over-all aura/personality when I was younger but as I get older I just gaze at the raw material: the looks.
I think the reason is that when I was younger I was so preoccupied with being gazed at [as all young women are] that my own gaze almost became insignificant IYSWIM

Now I run a critical eye over men, size them up in ways I never had the guts to do before, when I was too concerned about what they thought of me

LeninInExcelsis · 01/01/2011 13:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheFeministParent · 01/01/2011 14:20

(No Lenin, that's being in love!!)

LeninInExcelsis · 01/01/2011 14:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Antalya1 · 01/01/2011 15:18

My gaze definitely rests on the 40+'s, being very nearly 45 (sob, how the hell did that happen??) for me, the common denominator for attraction are shared experiences which only someone of my age could offer. As I've got older, the pretty fresh young faces just don't do it for me...in fact they probably never did.

Thanks to clever make-up and very dim lighting, over the last few single months a couple of 20 somethings have wandered over expressing an interest, but as a mum of a ds who's hitting the big 18 soon, my only interest in them, if any, would be to offer to polish their school shoes and read them a bed-time story.

But equally I don't get what interest they would have in a older women, the rather cynical side of me thinks that they're thinking, 'bingo..divorced and desperate'

lovelyopaque · 01/01/2011 21:14

This is interesting. Never really thought about it before, but my gaze has definitely grown up as I have. When I was younger, a man of even a couple of years younger would have been unappealing though, whereas now, up to five years younger would be fine!

FrustratedHippy · 01/01/2011 21:22

my son will be 20 next year - I am 43 and NO WAY would i fancy an under 35 say....

I like my men well cooked ,despite the fact I am told i don't look my age

autumnberry · 01/01/2011 21:31

I used to be most interested in men my age. Since I passed 25 (some time ago) I have found a broader spectrum of men attractive, from 5 years younger, to 15 years older.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 01/01/2011 21:37

I still look at men in their 20s (ie half my age), but only in a vague sort of "mmmm, nice" kind of way - the thought of actually having a relationship with them makes me laugh as I can't imagine having anything in common with them (that and the fact that I'm married with 3 DCs, of course..). I do now find myself looking at older men and also thinking "mmmm, nice" - DD is still in shock at me fancying Uther/Anthony Head and not Arthur

HerBeatitude · 01/01/2011 22:21

I'm slightly in shock about that Maisie! I would definitely rather do Arthur than Uther. Whereas Merlin, who is the same age as Arthur or thereabouts, just looks like a little boy to me.

I agree with Sakura, didn't really have any gaze when I was younger, but have developed one now. With the exception of Arthur and Caspian (and any other gorgeous random under 30 year who hasn't been mentioned yet who I've forgotten about), I also don't think I fancy many men under about 30 ish (I'm 44) but lots of men of my own age whom I meet, tend to be repulsive, overweight and out of shape and physically simply not in the league fo most of the women of my age.

I went out last night with a couple of friends for NYE and we all got hit on by young men (unfortunately just that little bit too young) and all the women there who were round about our age were beautiful, well-dressed, well-groomed, while the men were all just not very inspiring. In theory I am more attracted to men my age ish - but in practice, unless they look like Take That, Johnny Depp, George Clooney or any other middle aged decent looking bloke I actually don't fancy them. Not because of age, but because they're out of shape.

Oh God, I'm a body fascist, aren't I?

HerBeatitude · 01/01/2011 22:22

oh and also I used to find chest hair and beards absolutely repulsive. Whereas now, I find both quite sexy.

Oh dear.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 01/01/2011 22:30

I'll say 3 words to you, HB - Arthur's laryngeal prominence

'Nuff said

blueshoes · 01/01/2011 22:30

For meeting of minds, definitely those around my age group (+/- 5 years). But I left the singles market before the men my age become out-of-shape. I really don't know how I would feel physically about that in a new man.

BaronessBomburst · 01/01/2011 22:33

Hmm, my gaze has definitely got older but also broader. I've never fancied anyone under 20, but the cut-off point has extended from about 30 (from when I was a teenager) to around 50 (now I'm nearly 39). I would still consider a 20 year old for a shag, but would prefer someone older for a relationship. Assuming of course that I wasn't married with a young baby, which I am, so it's all just academic.

Mind you, a shag with a 20 year old? I could have some fun with that!

BuckingxmasFells · 01/01/2011 22:34

hmm. as an auld married i tend to look in a purely visual basis - i.e eye candy only. I'm not sure my gaze has caught up with me though - maybe because I was married in my mid 20's - my gaze has stalled at that age iyswim. Although i did tend to have a fairly flexible age range from 5 years younger than me to old gimmers like Steve Tyler.

I did feel a bit disturbed after looking up te all american rejects singer's age though. I still would though!

BelleDameSansMerci · 01/01/2011 22:36

I wouldn't dream of going out with anyone under 30 - I'm 45. My "whateverthebloodyhellheis" is 8 years younger than me and has been kicking around for seven years. I haven't been out with/stayed in with anyone older than me for years. Men my age are fine but much older and they seem to have an attitude about women dating from the 70s. I can't be doing with that...

That was a terribly sweeping generalisation - it's only based on my experience and I'm not great a choosing men.

HerBeatitude · 01/01/2011 22:37

See I always have this doubt about shagging young men - I have all these prejudices abuot them being the porn generation (so possibly really crap in bed because of their sexuality being shaped by porn) and also them being young and therefore not knowing very much, so also possibly really crap in bed.

I'm just going to have to do some research, aren't I...

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 01/01/2011 22:43

Make sure you come back on here and share your research findings!

I'd be too terrified that he'd see my slightly less than flat stomach and laugh. 20 year olds are shallow that way(iirc)

Antalya1 · 01/01/2011 22:47

So whilst most of us wouldn't rule out someone who was 'slightly' younger for any sort of serious relationship, why is is that so many men would consider a women who was significantly younger? That seems to be much more prevalent than women with much younger men. Are they really just so much more 'visual' creatures (dare I say shallow?)than us and put less significance on personality and shared experiences.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 01/01/2011 22:50

I wonder if the childbearing bit also comes into it - men subconsciously tend to look for women who are younger than them because women in their late 30s/40s are less fertile?

Otoh, it could simply be because they are shallow and immature....

PonceyMcPonce · 01/01/2011 22:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BelleDameSansMerci · 01/01/2011 22:57

Isn't there some bollocks about them being "programmed" to go for fertile looking ie young women (which presumably rules out skinny minnies with no pubes?)?

Antalya1 · 01/01/2011 22:57

This is really interesting to find this thread as it's something that I've given some thought to over the last few months since I've been single.

The men that I seem to attract are so much younger late 20's/30's, whilst men my age seem to go for significantly younger women. I had wondered if it was an 'ego' thing with the older ones..the 'look what I can still pull'?

Antalya1 · 01/01/2011 22:58

I'm not a skinny-minnie and my pubes seem to have to extended to my face

blueshoes · 01/01/2011 22:59

What about the 'cougar' trend of older women and younger men.

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