Ms or Mrs?

[ovumahead]

OK, all you intelligent articulate women here, help me! I just got married recently. I'd never really considered being a Mrs, to be honest I didn't put much thought in to it (?). When it came to changing my name on everything, I couldn't stand being a Mrs, so I put Ms on everything. I thought, well, women have fought for this, so why the hell not? Why should everyone know what my marital status is? (Besides, I'll be a Dr next year so it won't matter for too long...)

Apart from the contradiction, perhaps, in changing my name to my husband's (I did put a lot of thought in to that, and did want to, for complex personal reasons!), I don't think it's a big deal to be Ms or Mrs. I was Ms before on most things anyway. So why change?

I didn't discuss this with my husband, but it came up in passing when a letter came addressed to me as Mrs (obviously a mistake!). He asked me, light-heartedly, whether I was a hairy armpitted lesbian.

Now, don't get me wrong, I do find a lot of blokeish humour quite funny at times, and while I can see it wasn't a long, considered response from him, I did find myself giving him a brief lecture on why I'd chosen to do that. But I sounded like a hairy armpitted lesbian.

Now I'm left wondering - how can one overthrow these collectively damaging quips, if one sounds like a cliché when doing so?

And does anyone have a feminist opinion on the Ms or Mrs thing?

I readily admit, that, unusually for me, I haven't read the whole thread, BUT one perhaps needs to ask oneself this question:- if one's DH was knighted, would you object to becoming Lady... whoever?

If you would refuse that title (bearing in mind, Lady Maiden-name isn't an option), by all means carry on with the Ms/Miss business. IF you'd jump at 'Lady', then you should now be 'Mrs.'

Simple.

Have always used Ms since I was 17 and saw no reason to change when I married (kept my own surname too).

When I was a child, I was Miss. As an adult, I'm Ms. I don't want to change the way I identify myself to reflect my relationship with someone else (DH).

I've never understood why for so many people it's the default option to choose DH's surname and "Mrs".

Aside from a general personal identity issue, the historical baggage of women becoming a man's chattel on marriage, and a related instinctive revulsion at the idea of "upgrading" my name or title to reflect married status....

Name changing involves lots of admin, payments for new passport etc.. and no personal gain. I know that for some people it's romantic, allows them to be a single-name family unit, meets family expectations and so on.

I just can't understand.

Ampere - what would my dh be if I were made a Lady in my own right (far more likely )?

And yes, I would definitely refuse "Lady" in the unlikely event of my (foreign national) husband being knighted.

Well I'm Dr which takes away most of the angst! But as work I am Dr myfamily name, at home I tend to use Dr DH's family name purely for ease with schools etc. With my family e.g. if I am booking a meal for a day out with my sisters i always use my own family name. I guess what I'm saying is that I change my name depending on how I feel and what is easier for me. DH didn't ask me to change my name, and the DCs have DH's family name and then my family name as a middle name so when they are older they can choose to have either name or both.

It does drive me insane when people call me Mrs DH#s name, especially when I know that if DH was a Dr it would always be Dr and Mrs.

Personally, I never used Miss, to me that is a child's name similar to 'Master'

yama - your DH would still be a Mr.

Sorry, hit enter too early.
Lady when you marry a Sir etc is a courtesy title. If you divorce you lose the title. You only keep your title if it is yours by birth.

i am with you SwallowedAFly and Elephants ,

I have always called myself Ms. whether single on married whether younger or now older . we both agreed our daughter has my surname - but i know NO onelse who has done this... and this thread only increased my surprise and sadness on that point.

I also find the endless justification on here about why women took their husbands name in the first place when clearly they question the whole sexist nature behind it and claim its for personal reasons or cos their name was too complex - a bit of an excuse really ...

now ducking and await the flaming

Thanks Serenity. In that case I wouldn't become Lady if dh became a Sir. There has to be parity.

Omar - dd has my surname.

Whilst I would never have any issue with a woman who upon marriage decided to remain Ms Maiden Name, there is no doubt about it that the title Mrs, whether we as modern women like it or not, may confer upon the bearer a certain respect that Miss doesn't.

I had this very discussion at work within the last few months as was actually amazed at the degree of consensus amongst my fellow 'Mrs-taking' colleagues.

The 'Dr' thing is entirely different again, I suspect, but perhaps one which won't 'trouble' most of us in our working careers! Though, of course, 'Dr' for a medic is also a 'courtesy' title! ESPECIALLY for a dentist!

It is obviously admirable to fight the good fight regarding the Ms/Miss/Mrs distinction, and I salute you.

It is also acceptable to go with it and 'enjoy'.

I have always been and will always be a Ms... even though I hate my name, it's my horrible name and it's my identity. Amusingly, because DP's name is long and forrin, he tends to get referred to as Mr Myname rather than the other way round.

My DD has DP's name, not by default but after much discussion - we wanted to commemorate his father, who had died and to keep the name from dying out, whereas I have loads of nieces and nephews to keep mine from dying out. So it came from the male line but now it is her name and her identity.

Shudder at the thought of "Sir" and "Lady"... never going to happen for oh so many reasons...

I have never changed my name and am a Ms

People seem to get quite offended by it which amuses me quite a lot

Yes LadyBB - it is funny when people find it offensive. But quite unnerving to find that people regard your decision about what to call yourself likely to disturb the balance of the spheres of something. Do you get that kind of sideways look that says: "Ms, eh? Well I thought you were normal but now I realise that you are the type to Make Trouble and cause Sedition, and are probably to blame for everything from street crime to poor cookery skills..."

hated my maiden name and very happy to be mrs blondes :)

Mrs

I definitely get the Make Trouble look

As well, as the She is an Awkward Bitch look

The fact I enjoy it probably means their assumptions are correct

I am Princess on my boden catalogue (and so I know it was arsehold Johnny who sold my details on to mailorder companies so now I get 100 catalogues all addessed to Your Highness )

HowsTheSerenity that's brilliant! My mum got one from the AA the other day saying "Sister Jones"... brilliant, with five kids she's a nun?!!?

Am definitely on the side of Mrs - have always hated Ms - but refuse to take his first name as well (ie Mrs Derek Smith or whatever). Most men's names are hideous and whilst I don't mind my DH's it is not and never will be my first name....

I kept my name. It is simple = born with my family name and die with the same family name. No problems with ID or information to prove who I am including when I had to apply for a CRB checks. I sometimes use Ms or Mrs.but that depends on what mood I am in. My husband receives sometimes junk mail addressed with my surname, but he doesn't care its just junk mail! And both my daughters have my surname and their dad's surname and use a hyphen to make sure both surnames are there.

I am Dr and bloody proud of it after years of hard work to get it- however routinely find when we sign up for things jointly as Dr his name and Dr my name they come back as Dr and Mrs his name- does anyone work at a utilities company etc... and can explain why it happens? It's never ever been the other way round either.

I was visitin some local chirch yards with a friend from NZ recently who is researching her family tree. I commented on the fact that the gravestones had the wives with thier maiden names - she told me that that was usual in Scotland for gravestones. Very useful for genealogists!

I'm Ms (before and after marriage) with my birth surname. Interestingly the children I work with think Ms means a woman who's divorced. [Hmm]

I'm Ms (before and after marriage) with my birth surname. Interestingly the children I work with think Ms means a woman who's divorced. [Hmm]