Ms or Mrs?

[ovumahead]

OK, all you intelligent articulate women here, help me! I just got married recently. I'd never really considered being a Mrs, to be honest I didn't put much thought in to it (?). When it came to changing my name on everything, I couldn't stand being a Mrs, so I put Ms on everything. I thought, well, women have fought for this, so why the hell not? Why should everyone know what my marital status is? (Besides, I'll be a Dr next year so it won't matter for too long...)

Apart from the contradiction, perhaps, in changing my name to my husband's (I did put a lot of thought in to that, and did want to, for complex personal reasons!), I don't think it's a big deal to be Ms or Mrs. I was Ms before on most things anyway. So why change?

I didn't discuss this with my husband, but it came up in passing when a letter came addressed to me as Mrs (obviously a mistake!). He asked me, light-heartedly, whether I was a hairy armpitted lesbian.

Now, don't get me wrong, I do find a lot of blokeish humour quite funny at times, and while I can see it wasn't a long, considered response from him, I did find myself giving him a brief lecture on why I'd chosen to do that. But I sounded like a hairy armpitted lesbian.

Now I'm left wondering - how can one overthrow these collectively damaging quips, if one sounds like a cliché when doing so?

And does anyone have a feminist opinion on the Ms or Mrs thing?

yes, I am thinking of buying a PhD from one of them American fake colleges, cos I think Dr sounds better than Ms.

I'm still Miss Maidenname. Not sure if I am lazy or just like Miss. Can't be bothered to think about it.

One dc has my name, the other dh's.

MrsDinky - not sure about diplomatic ways of telling people you are not Mrs Hisname but I once told an older relative that I did not open mail not addressed to me. She had asked if I received something she'd sent so it wasn't unprompted.

What's the point of getting married if you don't want to be refered to as Mr & Mrs?

I really only wanted to be married so that we would share the same name and I would be called Mrs which I think sounds a bit better than Miss at my age! Not particularly bothered whose name it was. I was more keen on that than the big-white-dress-and-all-the-fuss wedding day, which is probably why we buggered off and got married all by ourselves.

Also so that our children would have the same name as us.

I'm honoured to be associated with my husband.

I'm quite assured in who I am and I don't need a feminist badge to remind me of that. I just like being Mrs.

To those who object to the use of their husbands' surnames on the basis that it brands them as their husbands' property: doesnt the use of your parents' surname do the same - in particular it brands you as the property of your father?

Thinking about it, isn't that actually the whole point of a surname - a family name which associates you with others, whether that's your parents/siblings or your DH?

(I am Mrs DH'ssurname partly because I am proud to be married and want to associate myself with him and label us as a family, and partly because I feel the opposite about my father, btw.)

I simply don't want to be defined as married or not by my name and title, men don't have to so why should I?

I wanted to be married as a sign of commitment to dh and any future children, did not have a big white, fussy wedding, but being married was important to us as a couple. I never even considered changing my name, it just wasn't going to happen.

Well I would be getting married for the lifetime commitment, love and also the financial and legal security it would be provide for me and my children, NOT to be Mr & Mrs Hisname.

I was raised in a feminist household so it is normal to me, so I don't feel like I am wearing a badge of feminism by calling myself Ms.

Dawnybabe, is your husband honoured enough to be associated with you to change his name to yours?

A friend of mine changed his name to his wifes name.

When I was younger I felt very strongly that I didn't want to be identified as married or unmarried by my title. So I became a Ms. But I hated it really as much as anyone. It's hard to distinguish on the phone and you get fed up of the eye roll when you introduce yourself.
When I got married I became Mrs maiden name. It also has it's draw backswhen children arrive. Officials assume you have the same name as your children and DH is often addressed as Mr Inthesticks.
When the DCs started school I gave serious thought to using my married name but decided against it. As DH said, one of my reasons for not changing in the first place is because I don't like to do anything just because everyone else does, which is a good example for the DCs.

I sometimes have trouble believing there are still people who don't question the archaic, patriarchal, frankly insulting idea that when you marry your identity is subsumed by your husband's. I find it dis-spiriting whenever anyone refers to me as Mrs DHName and firmly correct every instance. I have been Ms MyName since childhood. Our children will all have their own surname, composed of letters from both mine and DH's, and we will refer to any future daughter as Ms HerName from birth.

I had a conversation with DH about a week before he was my DH, in which I was checking that although many of my friends had debated changin or not changing names, and then almost all had, there was absolutely no way in hell that I would ever change mine. now have a daughter and still haven't changed it, i don't see the problem at all - much easier not to change names. DD has both our names as surnames, we don't have to use them both but this at least means that I can travel abroad with her and without my husband. I will always be a Ms but still get lots of things with all titles - don't let it bother me really. But why should women feel that we have to change our names?

we double barrelled when we got married(husbands-mine as it sounds better) although I only go by my husband's name at work as too much of a mouthful! I find it a pain tbh and am considering dropping my maiden name, and people seem to think it's strange In hindsight I wish my DH had changed to my name

rod I think it was my DH that was using HAPL in a jokey way, and not me - I felt decidedly humourless about it, hence me pulling him up on it! I do think it's a ridiculous and offensive stereotype to perpetuate, and the fact that it rolled so quickly off his tongue surprised me. I guess he's not the modern man I thought he was.

I'm Ms MarriedName. Which I do see as my name actually, rather than just DH's. But then my surname changed during childhood as well, so the name-as-identity thing is more complicated for me than "subsumed by your husband's" - although TBH I suspect that is an oversimplification for everyone...

I'm very interested to see this thread as I am constantly battling with the Ms/Mrs/Miss thing - I can't believe how many people seem to find it difficult to understand that I am Ms Maidenname, never changed my name and don't intend to, but am married. I had a call from the CRB recently about my CRB check saying "What's your maiden name?" So I said it was the name on the form, and they said "But you say on here you're married" - as if, yes, of course everyone changes their name when they get married. Makes me cross.
I'm about to become Dr, too, which will be a relief in some ways, except that I will then spend the rest of my life saying, no, not a medical doctor, a PhD...

I'm Dr too, but using it seems poncy in a non-professional context - so Ms it is.

I am Ms exh-name.

When I got married (the first time) I remained ms-maiden name until we had dcs when I used mrs married name. When we got divorced I kept my married name (thought it was less complicated for the dcs) but dropped mrs and became ms marrid name.

This was my name when I met my now dh. We agreed that I would not change my name hence I am ms exmarried name.

Sorry, haven't read all the posts, but I'm an unmarried Ms. Although I will never marry I'd stick with Ms if I was. As others have said - why should my name and title change and the man's doesn't?

It annoys me:

• that people mistake my partner for being my "husband"
• that people presume that our daughter has his last name. She actually has mine
• when (sales) people call for him, and presume that I'm "Mrs >his name<
• when my DD is referred to as "Miss", but "Ms" does sound weird for a two year old!

It's all figured out that I'm Mrs Hisname. I like hisname better frankly, very boring maiden name and his name is only one in the country, which is very useful for being remembered by everyone. The Mrs stuck as I work in a primary school and it's sooo much easier to let them call me Mrs rather than spend 6m months of every year trying to explain Ms. Also I guess I was willing to take his name as I like all the family having the same name, I want the same name as my children.

Ooh Lenin - reminds me of the news story (yesterday?) about the Times using the subverting argument to defend AA Gill's "dyke on a bike" comment about Claire Balding. It was ruled that he was not using it in that sense, which I was rather glad about.

if i had my time again i would be Ms

i am very sad that i took my married name and this has only come about over the last few years or so. I feel like my identity was wiped

I am not married although I refer to my DP as my DH as we consider one another to be special partners...I don't want to marry (though he does) and I might relent as pft...if it makes him happy...BUT I will stay Miss Maiden Name...I wont ever change my name and our kids have both...hyphenated....I choose Miss to avoid the greenwich women associaton of Ms and the weird olde world association of Mrs.

When I had kids, our childs school kept referring to me as Mrs HIS NAME which wound me right up....I corrected them. In fact...at the hospital when hving DD number 1, the midwives kept calling me Mrs and I corrected them and they said "Oh it's out of respect" and I said...what? So single women are not worthy of respect?

Do what you want...we don't need the "protection" of a mns name anymore...nor the "respect" of Mrs.

I changed my name on marriage because I was young and traditionally reared, and also my maiden name seems to give a lot of people a huge amount of trouble (it's only four letters ffs, just copy it down from what's in front of you!) So my husband endowed me with his mainstream name as well as both of his worldly goods. Upon divorce he got the worldly goods back along with half of mine , but he can't make me give the name back. If people ask for my title it's Ms, which I used to say was for "divorcees and don't-knows", but if they call me Mrs I don't sweat it. Totally agree with those places that use an equivalent of Mrs to denote your time of life rather than marital status.

XH can draw what conclusions he likes from the fact I still call myself Marriedname. He does not own me. I don't deny the years we spent together or the children we had together, who have the same surname. I look on it as a worthy battle scar. (And it's still easier for everyone to get their heads round than Maidenname.)