Inspiration needed: is it possible to live happily as a mother of children without money or relatives for childcare?

[MintyBadger]

I'm struggling. I had a career, I stopped it around the time I had children. Naively, before dd was born, I assumed that I'd go back to work, nursery would be great, and all would be normal.

I did go back, but I didn't factor in a) that my brain was focused almost solely on my baby, that I may never get back the focus I was capable of before pregnancy; b) that dh's annoying inability to see dust would not get better, leaving me to assume the role of either sole housekeeper or shrew, despite many, many attempts to get him to take some fucking responsibility for his own environment; c) that my salary would pay for childcare (just) but there would be a net gain to the family of zero.

Of course some of these things I should have thought of. I couldn't predict a). b) is less my responsibility and more of a character flaw in DH that I now have to live with. c) I should have known but nobody spelled it out to me, frankly. I wish it was more talked about.

I was offered redundancy when the children were little and I took it. The change was refreshing. The dcs were small enough that I didn't feel I had to be a housekeeper, they were a mass of activity. Now they're at school and I just think: through no choice of my own, I have ended up responsible for ALL the childcare, cooking and cleaning - with the odd bit of 'help' from DH - while his career has grown and grown. A 'proper job' would require big changes in our family.

It was never meant to happen this way. I never wanted to do this, I never tried to do it, and I am ashamed that I have ended up being an unhappy stereotype. If the answer were as simple as 'get a job' then I wouldn't be asking here. I do some work from home already, and love the satisfaction and the money. But I am still not 'me.'

Is it the case that you don't get the 'privilege' (is it still a privilege?) of fulfilment and satisfaction without the childcare input from your family, or the hard cash that'll pay for a nanny? How have others got round this?

sunny that is true about volunteers - however, me going out and volunteering is not going to set me up for the rest of my life. I'm not saying it doesn't have value.

Good on you though and it's nice to read about your dh.

No, it's not so much about money.
I can see we're talking at cross purposes here.

Sunny, you and DH both sounds lovely. But MB, you are right, and the financial independence is obviously important to you - and why shouldn't it be? If your DH left tomorrow, you would be looking at living in poverty.

I dont see why you dont just go to work then? I would be on practically the same wage if I didnt go to work as I would get tax credits which would be nearly the same as my income. I work because its fun and I like it. If you want to do it then go for it. The house isnt a big deal as it doesnt take long to clean when kids arent at home all the time.

I will be working for practically the same of tax credits for the rest of the time need childcare (so about age 12 and my first is only 2!) I dont care though the money is irrelevant if you enjoy it. If you do end up getting a decent paid job then you will get promoted and then you would be better off anyway.

Hello, I'm recognising quite a lot of this, but I'd say most of it is what I fear happening. DD is 15 months, I work freelance, no childcare currently, DH full-time (ish).

I'm lucky in that DH has offered to pay for childcare p/t regardless if I want to use that time for work or anything else I might fancy. So I'm looking into nurseries.

But I identify with OptimistS comment about motherhood being a bit of a watershed. It's only now I properly realise what the whole career/childcare/identity issue is all about and I'm not sure I prepared properly for it. I also expect more of myself, probably coasted for a while after initially doing the high achiever bit. I'm back to feeling ambitious, but without something specific to feel ambitious about!

I'm sort of in planning mode: we want another DC, just the one more, so I know I have to come up with a plan if I'm not to totally lose myself (whoever that is).

At the moment I'm aiming to read a lot, maybe a bit of volunteering (done quite a lot of this in the past and find it a very useful litmus test for possible careers and reminding yourself what your talents are - they tend to just pop out in new situations, I find) work out what I'm interested in, then to a Masters in it once the next baby is 1yo. I hope there'll be some overlap with my current career (i.e. I hope I didn't get it that wrong) and that the MSc will be a post-baby statement of intent.

I don't know how it'll work, but I do feel better and more confident having a (vague) plan.

Plus it's about self-respect. Knowing you are dependent on someone else is not something that everyone is comfortable with, being self-reliant is hugely valuable both financially and in terms of self-esteem. I don't think that makes you venal or selfish, it is only natural. Not that I usually pay him any attention, big oddball that he was, but Freud said that work was one of the necessaries of a healthy life. Maslow's hierarchy of needs agrees with this. Not saying you have to be Alan Sugar, but have meaningful work. I remember Julie Burchill writing about how she never questioned her mother working, because her dad used to say "if your mother didn't work, she'd go mad. You don't want your mother going mad now do you?"

Exactly right about self respect. I know perfectly that self respect isn't equal to money (which is why I don't want to discuss it) but for me it is more about changing our family at a point where everyone will feel the changes, possibly not all that happily.

I haven't been as foresighted as RussAbbotDancer - you sound sorted.

You can still be ambitious and have children. I have just finished my degree and got a 2: 1 just did it all by distamce learning from my local uni. I only took 10 days off after childbirth (at the time had to go in uni 1 day a week) and didnt get anything in late as they were so flexible and helpful to me.

I am starting my masters in a couple of months again by distance learning. I have so much I would like to do and achieve and even though my job isnt really well paid it is the thing for me.

I think if you find something that makes you happy and you want to pursue it then you should go for it, no matter what trade it is. I think if your husband loves you then he should support you. Even though my job isnt really very profitable, I study a lot in my free time and it is going to cost me money to do each masters module my husband still understand why I want to do it.

Thank you swallowedafly. That 'I'm practically a single parent' comment annoyed me too.

Minty - it was gramercy who said it, not you.

No, it isn't all about money but the fact is that you had the luxury to choose to give up work to be with your children and not be living on benefits. You're in a situation I don't envy you for one bit right now but the fact that you were in a relationship allowed you to make that choice in the first place. A single parent doesn't have that choice.

I really don't see why you can't put the children in after school care a couple of days a week. You may be at home but if you're working then you aren't available. By saying that you feel that you shouldn't do that, you're still putting yourself in the box where everyone else's needs are more important than yours.

'I really don't see why you can't put the children in after school care a couple of days a week.'

I agree I put my daughter in nursery whilst I stayed at home and studied for my degree. She started at 4 months. I was at home so I was still working so didnt see anything strange about it. I doubt I would have got a 2: 1 if I was working, looking after her and doing the degree. There is nothing wrong with getting childcare even if you are at home. (Im biased though cause I work in childcare )

I have previously worked in privately owned after school clubs and kids love them. They get to spend time with friends that they meet, often friends from their own school as well. They get to go on trips to the park, get their dinner, play with all the different toys and equipment. I worked in one that catered for age 4 - 11 and the kids never wanted to leave. I think its good for their independence and they enjoy it. It also means you dont need to worry about cooking them tea when they get in and gives you a break.

Hmmm... I am signing in here to mark my place as I am going through a similar situation ..Love the term "housewife by stealth"

Thats exactly what I feel has happened to me too... DH is brilliant - but theres no space for me to restrat my career as he works away all week and just comes home at weekends .. I ahve all the responsibility for the house and the children ..DD has medical needs too which means your average childcare is out of the question..
I feel horribly stuck and cannot see a way out ...

DH would support me - I know in returning to work, but I just cannot see how to do it .. Like the others we have no family who can help and all my friends work or aren't able to help with my daughter..

I was wondering if this was a mid life crisis to be honest ... Its kind of a relief to see others feel the same way I do - even though I wish of course that no one felt like this ..

DH has the career that he dreamed of .. Literally .. I however never really got started - and that really frustrates me -- that feeling that I have become reliant on him .. He relies on me too - he couldnt do his job without me at home .. but the poster who said " his career is coming at the expense of your own " hit the nail completely on the head...

And I am not fulfilled as a woman ... I adore my children , but I was an academic highflier who had big big dreams ...and I seem to have got lost along the way ..

I would love to join a "getting our lives back " thread ....

This is such an interesting thread, I have taken redundancy but now have the opportunity to get a full time nursery post, and was thinking about taking a year out and then temping to keep my hand in.

This thread throws up so many issues, at the moment I am still fully contributing to the household, I also have contributed so much economic capital that I would never feel like a kept woman, and my husband is not that kind of guy.

I find housework a real struggle and monotonous and bad for my intellect, but I love being with my baby and never find my baby a bore.

I still do not know what to do - but I do find it funny how your status changes to some people, I had some very high-powered girl friends who do not invite me out, or keep in contact since I have made the decision to currently not work, which is really strange, as they seem to think that I do not fit in anymore.

Oh that is interesting.

I'd worried if I was having a bit of a mid-life crisis too. Maybe I am. It's the right time, the right circumstances.
I don't feel irredeemable though! I feel like opening up about it has sorted out a few things in my head, nice and positively.

(I'm not particularly obsessed with cleaning, I feel I have to add...)

Brilliant list swallowedafly - yes it is status that now is deemed to be lacking by others, but every other box is ticked for me.

Also I find I need to log on and find out what is happening in the world, to keep learning and searching - it keeps me sane!

I don't think I'm that sorted! Consider that my manifesto - I quite often just muddle along, too tired to read or think, but I come back to it when I need something to look forward to.

I've been assuming I'm having one of those fashionable early mid-life crises (feeling like a cliche can be reassuring at times).

Once I registered this, I kept noticing or coming across stories of women who'd done stuff after children: retrained as doctors at 37, gone into academia after topping up their first degree with a post-kids masters. Basic life-affirming, instructive stuff.

Then I started seeing this baby stage as a bit of a holding position: I get to work out what I want to do in life. It's like stepping off the treadmill - onto another temporary treadmill! Now I'm just hoping there's something I want to do in life...

What I find really saddening about this thread is how many of you are saying you were academic highfliers and now you feel that your intelligence is somehow pointless(I'm paraphrasing that last bit but it's what's coming across). You wanted to stay home to raise your children (a very admirable thing to do) and yet you feel that is somehow a waste?

That's terrible. I don't think you're terrible for feeling that way but wondered why it was. Is it because your days are full of monotonous chores? Or that intelligence is wasted if it isn't put to good use on a successful 'career'? Or is it that being a full time mother/homemaker is so undervalued by society? I wonder if you could find some way of nurturing that intelligence, you would feel less trapped? Sorry, am just musing really.

I've found this thread really quite shocking - I thought this kind of sleepwalking into a life where you have no life of your own but are defined by what you are to other people (mother/wife) died out 30 years ago :(

Ladybiscuit - That is what capitialism is about unfortunately. By perpetuating the myth that if you arent working as hard as you can, as many hours as you can then you are not worthy of a person.

For women that is if you are a SAHM, or do jobs such as childcare you are seen as wasting your life or not equal to others.

If your a man and you are on a low wage you are seen as a failure, not a real man, or of low status.

I am not against capitalism but I think the constant pushing for more money and more status hasnt really done many people that many favours, and in my own personal life it is the families that have live in communities, help each other out and are family centric that are the happiest whether they work or dont work. That is what brings you happiness and fulfilment. There are many ways women can utilise their skills in everyday life but many do sem to think if they are not making the money they arent achieving.

I don't think this thread is a throwback. I think motherhood throws up identity issues however you balance work/childcare/personal interests.

If women were supposed to have dealt with this by now, I think there'd be a different set up in the world: there'd be more part-time professional jobs; there'd be cut-price education for SAHM, for instance.

I think one of the problems is that whilst focussing on your children might be an admirable thing to do when they are small, it's not enough for a whole life is it? We have our children at home for what - 20 years out of a potential 50 years of working / productive life, but it can be hard to get back into the swim of things when you've taken your foot off the pedal for a few years.

Personally I'm not looking to make lots of money (I work in a field where that doesn't really happen!) but I would like to say "this is what I do, this is who I am, this is my career" alongside being a wife and mother, which is clearly important, but I know won't be enough for me in the long term.

Interesting thread. LadyBiscuit I agree with everything you say, especially the comment 'practically a single parent' - makes me want to scream. Anyone who says that line (and it's trotted out all the time) has clearly never met a single parent.

My mum was a single parent of three and had to work full time, make all the income AND do all the domestic stuff/childcare. Women who have the luxury of choosing whether they work, stay at home, do some volunteering, maybe start up their own business, with a husband to turn to for money/company/advice/co-decision making clearly don't know how lucky they are.

I've never been under any illusions that this sort of thing died out 30 years ago, which doesn't explain why I have let it happen to me :confused:

Personally, I don't feel the years of small-child-rearing were wasted at all! My little children needed me. I wanted to see them through their first couple of years at school and then .... I didn't have a plan. That's where I'm at now - my children simply do NOT need me as much as they did, which isn't to say I can be absent, and it isn't to say that my almost constant presence at home (to them) wouldn't be missed.

Over the years I've felt quite often that there are too many sides to the role of mother, and there isn't enough of me to address all of them sometimes. I miss myself. It's not as simple as the man doing more housework or the woman keeping a good job and finding good childcare. There will always be the pull-pull-pull from somewhere. I wonder what it's like for a man.