Inspiration needed: is it possible to live happily as a mother of children without money or relatives for childcare?

[MintyBadger]

I'm struggling. I had a career, I stopped it around the time I had children. Naively, before dd was born, I assumed that I'd go back to work, nursery would be great, and all would be normal.

I did go back, but I didn't factor in a) that my brain was focused almost solely on my baby, that I may never get back the focus I was capable of before pregnancy; b) that dh's annoying inability to see dust would not get better, leaving me to assume the role of either sole housekeeper or shrew, despite many, many attempts to get him to take some fucking responsibility for his own environment; c) that my salary would pay for childcare (just) but there would be a net gain to the family of zero.

Of course some of these things I should have thought of. I couldn't predict a). b) is less my responsibility and more of a character flaw in DH that I now have to live with. c) I should have known but nobody spelled it out to me, frankly. I wish it was more talked about.

I was offered redundancy when the children were little and I took it. The change was refreshing. The dcs were small enough that I didn't feel I had to be a housekeeper, they were a mass of activity. Now they're at school and I just think: through no choice of my own, I have ended up responsible for ALL the childcare, cooking and cleaning - with the odd bit of 'help' from DH - while his career has grown and grown. A 'proper job' would require big changes in our family.

It was never meant to happen this way. I never wanted to do this, I never tried to do it, and I am ashamed that I have ended up being an unhappy stereotype. If the answer were as simple as 'get a job' then I wouldn't be asking here. I do some work from home already, and love the satisfaction and the money. But I am still not 'me.'

Is it the case that you don't get the 'privilege' (is it still a privilege?) of fulfilment and satisfaction without the childcare input from your family, or the hard cash that'll pay for a nanny? How have others got round this?

bling! you're not pg are you?

minty, when i get like this i reread betty friedan and germain greer. it just helps to crystallize my thoughts a bit and realise that a - i'm not alone, and b- dear god this hasn't changed over the last 60 years.

then i read andrea o'reilly and some feminist mothering stuff. (as you can see i tend to retreat into books ) which sorts of gives me a bit of impetus back. and reminds me i've still got some unfinished masters to get on with.

so me, 3 dcs, a camp-follower. last year i finally gave up on the 16 year career i had been nursing and nurturing through pt/ ft/ sabbatical cycles, as it became plain that the job that was being dangled would effectively mean prioritising that over my family and marriage.

am now over-qualified where i don't want to be, under-qualified and inexperienced where i want to get to, but i still have Plans. i just don't have time to execute them, in amongst the picking up/ dropping off/ pt work to pay the mortgage/ packed lunches.

but thank you for posting this - i'm going to get feminist mothering out again today

Maybe we have the 7 year itch Minty! When someone said to me the other day "of course, family come first", I almost shouted "no, I've had 7 years of taking a back seat, I need come first for a change" (or at least any in any position other than last!)

Territorial: working on it!

Go Bramshot.

rereads and sees typo, i do know she spells it with an e...

hmm. interesting theory, bram. my youngest is 7 next month.

bling, you go girl

Hmm, to answer your question yes I think it is. This is one of the advantages of being a single parent, you actually have no choice, you have to go to work so you make it work. What I have found is that I've accepted that I would be poor for about 10 years as I wanted to do part time work so that i was there for the kids, but it's good quality part time work so i know I can shift up a gear when i'm ready and it fits in with DCs.

I agree with PYE, you have to accept that for a certain amount of time, the work you do is not going to have an immediate financial benefit, but if you are hanging on in there for a proper career, then it's absolutely essential that you do it.

Also the other thing, is that in order to enable you to shift up a gear, your DH may have to shift down a gear for a bit - you have taken a back seat for a long time, but one of the advantages of having a DH it seems to me (or am I being idealistic here?) is that you can balance out over years - there may be times when one or the other of you needs the other one to give them space to forge ahead. You've been doing that for years now, it is your turn now and you have the right to expect that. I'm not talking about your DH giving up work and being a SAHD, but perhaps not going for a promotion just at the time when you get a new job, for example. However, I suspect that however lovely your DH is, he won't see it that way as it does sound like he's imbibed more of that male entitlement stuff than he realises.

Also, the other thing to consider is whether now is the right time - in a god-awful recession where women appear to be the group expected to make the most sacrifices for the sake of the economy which was fucked by mostly men , is now the right time to make big career changes?

Sorry for the essay,hope some of it is helpful...

Really good point, titchy, that all that "but my wages only cover childcare" stuff is just temporary, and being back at work will mean your income increases over time. This must be one of the reasons why so many women (and children) are living in poverty in this country. Not going back to work because they take on the childcare, and if something happens e.g. relationship breakdown, they are left with scant chance of work above the minimum wage.

One thing that stands out, OP, is the mention of cleaning. Have you read "The Feminine Mystique"? It describes your situation perfectly, even though it's about 50 years old. One thing I remember from it is the chapter about housework and labour-saving devices. It says that when a better hoover was invented that cleaned carpets much better, everyone thought that housewives would spend less time cleaning carpets. But instead it was found that they hoovered as often as before, even though it was unnecessary. (sorry sketchy on details it's been a while). It sounds like maybe you're expanding the amount of cleaning you're doing to fill the time because it's "your job". I bet you could (as a family) get away with doing a lot less without having to live in a swill-filled pit.

Btw it isn't "unfair" on the kids to put them in childcare (or holiday schemes, for whoever posted that) because you have to work. Firstly you will (eventually) boost the family's income, which will be better for them. Secondly you will ease the pressure on DH, because he won't be the sole breadwinner any more. Thirdly you will be more happy and satisfied when you do spend time with them. Fourthly it is good for school-age children to see their parents working, and especially to see their mothers working and learn that they have to do things for themselves, as it is no-one's "job" to pick up after them.

I think you can have the time to do more of your own work. Your DC are not babies and nor is your DH, second what dittany said about him too. The thing is, you need to create the gap and wait for him (and the DC as they get older) to fill it WRT cleaning, cooking etc etc.

You're a couple; your happiness is a joint concern and a joint project, just like his. Tell him how you're feeling, the frustration and the anger. He probably has some too. You're both clearly resourceful people; life does not have to be like this.

lol, elephants - great minds think alike. 'the problem that has no name'. it's classic friedan territory

I think there are two issues here. The first is undeniably a feminist one involving childcare, and that's being discussed here.

The second is perhaps more about yourself and something many people of both genders experience. I am going through something similar.

I am a single parent who works full time. I'm on a reasonable salary but after childcare and mortgage I'm left with the equivalent of minimum wage. I like my job but I can't say it fulfils me and although my salary should increase with inflation and the company's profitability, I'm never going to earn significantly more than I do now (though I should feel markedly better off in about 12 years time when I no longer have to pay childcare).

I want a career change simply to experience something that really stimulates me and because the thought of constantly being poor is so bloody depressing. However, I am hugely constrained in this because of lack of available childcare (only 9-5 jobs can really be covered by professional childcare, I do not have family who can help and a nanny is financially out of my reach). The biggest constraint though is that I have no idea what the hell I want to do!

Somewhere along the way, I lost my path in life and my identity. I've recovered the latter and probably know myself better than at any other point in my life now, but I still have no idea where I want to go. Trouble is, now I've come out survival mode and the child-centred fog I was in, and I realise I want MORE, I feel like I really let myself down. I had such potential that I never seized, and now I have the skills and drive to use the potential I wasted in my youth, I am trapped by circumstance and hampered by lack of vision. A patriarchal society may be partly to blame for this, but the only person who can provide a solution is myself.

I've compromised. In today's economic climate, I would be stupid to give up a reliable job I enjoy when I've got a system of childcare that (just about) works. I plan to spend the next couple of years thinking about what I want to do. Hopefully inspiration will strike so that I have a clear plan by the time I am in a position to be able to make it happen. I am sure that if I want something bad enough, I can find a way to make it happen. I just hope I can find that something. If I do, I plan to spend my free time actively campaigning to improve women's lives, particularly the availability of childcare.

"I have no family and very few friends."

My family is dispersed across the world, so there is no one on the doorstep to babysit (though I do get to spend holidays with my parents and get childcare then) but one of the things I love most about motherhood is having so many, many friends to hang out with, with DD - lots of lunches, picnics, playdates etc. Why don't you have friends?

I cannot imagine spending all day alone.

Bonsoir, probably OP should answer this rather than me, but perhaps you and OP have different definitions of friends. We all have people we get along with because our DCs lives overlap, but that doesn't necessarily make them true friends, however many coffees or anecdotes we share. Maybe OP classes friends as people she can share her innermost feelings with and truly rely on in a crisis, in which very few of us can honestly say we have more than one or two.

I have the opposite problem. I have 2 really fabulous friends, and 3 others who I am less close to but are more than mere acquaintances. I have no social life though. I work during the week. I always need one day a weekend for staying on top of domestic stuff, which leaves one day a week for really spending with my children and/or meeting up with friends. I quite often do things with the kids and socialise with other parents along the way and I enjoy that. I hardly ever get to do any proper adult socialising though and I miss it. Maybe that's what OP means?

(I didn't say I have very few friends! I have plenty of friends and acquaintances and nod-to-in-the-street types. Not that it matters, and I agree with OptimistS that people's definitions of friends varies etc, but I can't answer your question, Bonsoir.)

OptimistS the feeling you describe of things being stable but having let yourself down along the way: yes yes yes.

Go out and make more friends that. I have met friends since I have had children and have friends from before and I have introduced the two lots of people and we go out nearly every week for a night out, go on trips away etc. Its fun and I look forward to it. I think if you had more of a social life this wouldnt be a problem. We have been on overnight shopping trips, clubbing, nights out etc and my husband just takes our daughter so I can have some fun.

Also why cant you volunteer why the kids are at school. I work in a nursery for disdavtaged kids so am lucky I get to do an area of my passion, however if I wasnt working there is so much I would wish to do. There are so many places I would like to volunter for. I would like to do charity stuff, volunteering with the school, I would also like to to do a charity shop position etc. It is a plan that I am going to follow through when I can fit it all in! I am doing one bit at a time at the mo around work. I find things like this really interesting and fulfilling. You meet a wide range of people, they value your input, you are giving something back etc.

sorry first line says go out and make more friends that want to socialise.

swallowedafly - I understand your distaste but I didn't mention being a single mother, I don't think I've implied it either?

sunny, what you seem to be suggesting to me is to fill my time with socialising, and unpaid work. That isn't a bad thing per se, it's one way of doing things, I suppose, but it's not what I want, which is equality!

Let your standards slip.
Do online shopping
Use wipes to clean stuff, not proper cleaning
Get a dustbuster to zoom around dusty window ledge etc.
Take shortcuts and do not expect perfection. Only you se the dust.

And maybe think about getting a job again? I find adult company helps get things in perspective, plus there is no one at home making a mess!

Mintybadger - I suppose I am coming from the fact that my husband sees my role as a mum and the things I do at home as really important. He thanks me every day for being a good mummy and says how much he appreciate everything I do for him and our daughter. We are a team and I appreciate him going to work longer hours for me. Even though I do a job for only really the minimum wage it is useful and important. We have volunteers at my work and they are amazing and make such a difference to children who have experienced chaotic lives. I think that is valuable and would be very disappointed if anyone viewed this wasnt as valuable as that of a full time working person!!

My husband doesnt see me as less than him, he sees my job just as vital as his whether I was working doing this or doing it as a volunteer. I value myself and my role a lot so dont feel like I am less than him or anyone else.

hello Minty, just marking my place as I read your OP and this struck a chord ... looking forward to reading thread and hopefully contributing.

Also how many high flying city jobs make a difference in the same way as lots of volunteer positions do? I cant think of many. Volunteers make a difference and impact peoples lives immensely, way more than if you were stuck in an office all day. Just my opinion though

In that case MB I definitely think talking to DH is the start. Maybe write down how you feel first, which will give you a chance to clarify things. Otherwise it might be easy to get into an argument about one tiny aspect of it (say, him not doing enough housework) rather than the whole picture, which is your general need to change your lives and the way the family works.

Oh ok, fair enough.
I can completely see the difference between a parent who parents alone, and one whose dh is simply away a lot.

What about one who is part of a couple but feels unsupported and is making all the decisions about the children and taking on all the responsibility, and maybe living a separate and lonely life from her mostly absent husband? I feel instinctively that saying 'I'm practically a single parent' isn't completely over the top in some cases

Mintybadger - I think the problem is with your marriage not with whether you are working or not. I dont think getting a job isnt going to make the slightest bit of difference becuase its the fact that both of you only value people by making money and that is the only way you can have equality in a relationship which is silly. You both need to change your mindset and decide where it is you want to go in your life.