TW: Body dysmorphia.
Let me preface this with the simple fact that there are a million other things that are so much more important than this. But I could do with some advice on how to handle this.
The short version is my eldest DD (nearly 6) asks me why my vulva is different to hers. My labia minora protrude beyond my labia majora (and have done since puberty - maybe a few cm) and so it does look different. This was something I struggled with hugely as a teen, especially in the early noughties when all the vaginas you ever saw were pornstar ones, Barbie-esque in all their hairless, labia-free glory. I remember mulling over the pros and cons of taking a pair of scissors to them - I was so embarrassed that I would come to my first sexual encounter and that something so private would be seen as ugly.
Fast forward some twenty years and I’m relieved to say I only ever suffered one awful sexual encounter which honestly I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forget. Thankfully the few other men I slept with didn’t bat an eyelid.
I am relentlessly body positive in front of my kids. I am lucky enough to have two DD and it is absolutely imperative to me that they are body confident. When all else fails, I do my best to channel Jean Milburn in Sex Education (Otis’ mum) who is the pinnacle for me on how to handle this stuff and sort of mirrors my own mum, who was a midwife and practice nurse who more or less laughed me out the room when I tearfully confided in her as a teen that my vagina was repulsive.
This is the third time my eldest has asked why mine is different. I start with saying all bodies are different. I say bodies change as we get older, and aren’t our bodies amazing. I say my vulva is incredible, as I had both of my babies safely because it did such a good job. And then I try and make it funny - look at my tummy button! So different to yours! And look - aren’t your ears different to mine! And I say how wonderful in their differences all bodies are, especially women’s bodies being able to carry babies - cue suffragettes marching, flags waving, feminist battle cries heard from every corner of the globe - but she just looks embarrassed for me and grossed out.
And honestly? A piece of me kinda curls up and dies inside. This isn’t about male approval or being desired or desirable. This is about feeling ashamed of my body in front of my kids, even though I fiercely act as if I’m owning it and proud. But no one ever wants to feel like this. Sometimes I think about getting a labiaplasty, a cosmetic procedure to shorten the labia. In some ways it’d be good - sometimes I’m uncomfortable in certain clothing and underwear. DH thinks I’m crackers and has no idea what the issue is. And ethically I see it as a form of FGM; it can damage nerve endings so that sex is not as pleasurable or even pleasurable at all, which is pretty horrifying.
So here we are, consider me - quite literally - laid bare on my deepest darkest secret. Anyone else out there with a similar experience? Either way - how would you handle it?