Parenting, vaginas and advice, please.

[ohmybaby]

TW: Body dysmorphia.

Let me preface this with the simple fact that there are a million other things that are so much more important than this. But I could do with some advice on how to handle this.

The short version is my eldest DD (nearly 6) asks me why my vulva is different to hers. My labia minora protrude beyond my labia majora (and have done since puberty - maybe a few cm) and so it does look different. This was something I struggled with hugely as a teen, especially in the early noughties when all the vaginas you ever saw were pornstar ones, Barbie-esque in all their hairless, labia-free glory. I remember mulling over the pros and cons of taking a pair of scissors to them - I was so embarrassed that I would come to my first sexual encounter and that something so private would be seen as ugly.

Fast forward some twenty years and I’m relieved to say I only ever suffered one awful sexual encounter which honestly I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forget. Thankfully the few other men I slept with didn’t bat an eyelid.

I am relentlessly body positive in front of my kids. I am lucky enough to have two DD and it is absolutely imperative to me that they are body confident. When all else fails, I do my best to channel Jean Milburn in Sex Education (Otis’ mum) who is the pinnacle for me on how to handle this stuff and sort of mirrors my own mum, who was a midwife and practice nurse who more or less laughed me out the room when I tearfully confided in her as a teen that my vagina was repulsive.

This is the third time my eldest has asked why mine is different. I start with saying all bodies are different. I say bodies change as we get older, and aren’t our bodies amazing. I say my vulva is incredible, as I had both of my babies safely because it did such a good job. And then I try and make it funny - look at my tummy button! So different to yours! And look - aren’t your ears different to mine! And I say how wonderful in their differences all bodies are, especially women’s bodies being able to carry babies - cue suffragettes marching, flags waving, feminist battle cries heard from every corner of the globe - but she just looks embarrassed for me and grossed out.

And honestly? A piece of me kinda curls up and dies inside. This isn’t about male approval or being desired or desirable. This is about feeling ashamed of my body in front of my kids, even though I fiercely act as if I’m owning it and proud. But no one ever wants to feel like this. Sometimes I think about getting a labiaplasty, a cosmetic procedure to shorten the labia. In some ways it’d be good - sometimes I’m uncomfortable in certain clothing and underwear. DH thinks I’m crackers and has no idea what the issue is. And ethically I see it as a form of FGM; it can damage nerve endings so that sex is not as pleasurable or even pleasurable at all, which is pretty horrifying.

So here we are, consider me - quite literally - laid bare on my deepest darkest secret. Anyone else out there with a similar experience? Either way - how would you handle it?

It sounds like you're making a bit of a meal of it, turning the answer to your DD's questioning into a comedy routine combined with a TED talk.

Just say everyone's body is different and that bodies change with puberty.

While everyone is entitled to their own opinions about being naked in front of your kids, please OP ignore the comments by posters making this out as something bad. Young children don' t associate nudity with sex in the same way older kids/adults do and your DD noticing that vulvas look different in the safe space you created is a healthy way to learn about different bodies.

My heart breaks a little for you when you describe how you still feel insecure but effectively acting as though you are not, in an attempt to teach your DDs body positivity. I hope you find a way to believe in what you tell them, either with some therapy for body dysmorphia or surgery, if that is what feels right to you. Otherwise your DD might pick up on what you are actually feeling which can confuse them. My personal opinion about it is that instead of body positive you can also be body neutral about things; I accept that some features I have maybe look weird (to me anyhow) and think, "Oh well, as long as it functions the way it should!"

You sound like a wonderful, warm mother that is trying her best to shield her daughters from the same insecurity that plagued her, but I think that's where you should start ♥️

I’m well are of what normal female anatomy is thanks. It doesn’t change my view.

Edited:
This was a repsonse to another message but something went wrong it seems

My 4 yr old DS is also on that exact same height and is very interested in why I have something different there than he does (when I get out of the shower for example). I explain and then he studies my c-section scars, stretch marks, weird paper like skin and I tell him all about how he was once inside my belly and how he came out.
I really don't understand someone suggesting wearing s bathing suit when showering with your children. That sounds insane to me, sexualising something that isn't, and tells me that people are not aware of the stages of sexual and psychological development children go through. I still sometimes shower with my 4yo. My 9 yo DS probably still would but for him (with ASD) it's time to learn about privacy in this area so I am more discreet around him as I suspect puberty isn't far off. We are not a 'naked' house, we just don't see any advantage in being super private/prudish either. I am the only female in the household and I think it's important that our boys understand things like periods etc so they can be supportive boyfriends/husbands later!