Parenting, vaginas and advice, please.

[ohmybaby]

TW: Body dysmorphia.

Let me preface this with the simple fact that there are a million other things that are so much more important than this. But I could do with some advice on how to handle this.

The short version is my eldest DD (nearly 6) asks me why my vulva is different to hers. My labia minora protrude beyond my labia majora (and have done since puberty - maybe a few cm) and so it does look different. This was something I struggled with hugely as a teen, especially in the early noughties when all the vaginas you ever saw were pornstar ones, Barbie-esque in all their hairless, labia-free glory. I remember mulling over the pros and cons of taking a pair of scissors to them - I was so embarrassed that I would come to my first sexual encounter and that something so private would be seen as ugly.

Fast forward some twenty years and I’m relieved to say I only ever suffered one awful sexual encounter which honestly I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forget. Thankfully the few other men I slept with didn’t bat an eyelid.

I am relentlessly body positive in front of my kids. I am lucky enough to have two DD and it is absolutely imperative to me that they are body confident. When all else fails, I do my best to channel Jean Milburn in Sex Education (Otis’ mum) who is the pinnacle for me on how to handle this stuff and sort of mirrors my own mum, who was a midwife and practice nurse who more or less laughed me out the room when I tearfully confided in her as a teen that my vagina was repulsive.

This is the third time my eldest has asked why mine is different. I start with saying all bodies are different. I say bodies change as we get older, and aren’t our bodies amazing. I say my vulva is incredible, as I had both of my babies safely because it did such a good job. And then I try and make it funny - look at my tummy button! So different to yours! And look - aren’t your ears different to mine! And I say how wonderful in their differences all bodies are, especially women’s bodies being able to carry babies - cue suffragettes marching, flags waving, feminist battle cries heard from every corner of the globe - but she just looks embarrassed for me and grossed out.

And honestly? A piece of me kinda curls up and dies inside. This isn’t about male approval or being desired or desirable. This is about feeling ashamed of my body in front of my kids, even though I fiercely act as if I’m owning it and proud. But no one ever wants to feel like this. Sometimes I think about getting a labiaplasty, a cosmetic procedure to shorten the labia. In some ways it’d be good - sometimes I’m uncomfortable in certain clothing and underwear. DH thinks I’m crackers and has no idea what the issue is. And ethically I see it as a form of FGM; it can damage nerve endings so that sex is not as pleasurable or even pleasurable at all, which is pretty horrifying.

So here we are, consider me - quite literally - laid bare on my deepest darkest secret. Anyone else out there with a similar experience? Either way - how would you handle it?

It’s not that she’s been seen naked. It’s that she’s showing her child her labia. There’s a big difference between the two. Let’s not pretend that’s normal because it’s not.

Thank you, this is absolutely what I’m trying to communicate.

Apologies - quote fail. Respectfully, I think this misunderstands just how much variety there are in labia (the link to the Wall of Vulva is an interesting browse). For women with larger labia, seeing them naked IS seeing their labia. If you have larger labia minora, standing in a shower naked means they will be visible to your children. I'm not sure the OP has said her daughter has seen it in detail, but just not wearing pants would be easily enough to be able to see a fair amount of detail of the vulva

I have an outie like you OP and it used to bother me when I was younger but not now. My husband didn’t even realise it was a thing! You’re not alone, lots of women have the same thing it’s very common - I think a lot of people are just nervous to talk about it irl (and it doesn’t come up in most convos!)

Thank you. I really appreciate your honesty and solidarity on this - I’ve found it pretty embarrassing to navigate with a curious 6 year old who is currently at an unfortunate head height.

well firstly it is hormonal and genetic, oddly enough it will shrink significantly with menopause.
secondly large labia's can interfere with sports such as cycling and labial laser treatments are available to excise/trim excess skin for female comfort reasons.

Thats the point she has a memory of normal female bodies and accepting yourself.

Perhaps people don’t understand then that this is just seen when you see someone with a larger labia naked; you don’t have to see it “in detail” to see it

She’s not showing her though is she, she’s just naked

You’re confused about female anatomy. Outside of pornography there’s a lot of variation and some women’s labia are much more visible than others.

My labia protrude like yours and, like you, I used to be self conscious about them. However over the years I learnt that my labia; which wrapped around the penis, made orgasm quicker and easier, and that some partners were very complimentary.

I can completely see how your kids have come to notice your labia. If I were you I'd explain to your DD that the appearance of a little girl's vulva often changes as they go through puberty. Perhaps compare them to breasts - there's a lot of variation in them too, which she will be able to observe for herself.

Mine used to hang down.. and I'm talking you could easily see two inches.. one ex partner absolutely loved them and we had the best sex life I've ever had ( he passed away) they started shrinking when l hit menopause and now very small.
I did consider surgery once.. only because l had to " tuck" them up into my vagina when wearing tight jeans or riding my motorbike.
But thought better of it.
Just keep being you.

Mine are similar OP. Haven't had this yet as my children are younger, but I definitely understand the occasional nakedness. I'm not hiding in my own house. My labia minora are visible at a glance.
I grew up in a naked friendly house, (for want of a better term!) my mum, sister and I would happily get changed in front of one another or nip across to bathroom to get something or run downstairs to find that missing bra etc, if dad wasn't in.
I think you're handling it fine. But now she's continuing to ask, I would start being a little firmer. You've explained it before, she knows this, it's just how your body is, same as ears are like this or that mole like that. Have you asked why she keeps asking? Is there something she doesn't understand? Would it be an idea to get her an age appropriate human body book so she can learn? Perhaps she's just curious about all things body!

Absolutely.. it’s normal. Then they get to teens, get embarrassed and then we respect that. But it’s good for kids to see.

Just grow your pubic hair then she won't be able to see your labia. If you're that keen on showing her what women's bodies look like then you should show yours with hair, otherwise she's going to think it's normal to have no pubes. I thank god I'm in my 60s and full pubic hair was normal when I was a young woman( even in the few porn magazines I saw). No man ever cared, it just wasn't a thing at all. No one would have dreamed of removing hair, it was something horrible that women having c sections might have to have done to them by the midwife. Pubes cover up the look of your labia, I've only ever seen mine twice when I looked with a mirror after the births of my children.

My parents walked around naked when I was a child and I still have the horrible images in my head. My kids have never seen my vulva as I don’t want to scar them for life.

Yeah walking around a lot naked is different from kids seeing you on the toilet, shower or getting dressed.

@Disturbia81no I didn’t want to see it full stop. I don’t get in the shower when I shower my kids it’s not necessary.

So I feel I need to comment on this thread and share my situation.

I was horrendously upset and embarrassed about what I thought 25 years ago regarding my labia minora.

I felt so ugly with the visual appearance of my vulva. Had a particularly awful time with my ex husband who was always telling me how he found me ugly, He once said - and I quote, “John Wayne’s saddle bags have got nothing on your cunt”

after years of hating this natural part of my body, I paid 2 thousand pound for a labiaplasty.

I'm now nearly 60, and I’m so very sad that the young me couldn’t accept the way I was naturally meant to be. I was lead by what I thought I should look like.

Now I’m post menopausal,!and what little labia minora I was surgically left with, has reduced to absolutely nothing.

if I could turn back time I would just love what I was as a complete woman.

sorry if I’ve hijacked the thread a bit, but I think my story is important to share.

Thank you for all the kind comments and advice, suggestions and shared experiences. They’ve made me feel quite emotional; I’ve always felt alone when it comes to this stuff… which probably explains why I’m really desperate to be a safe space for my kids, especially as they grow older, to confide in me - should they want or choose to - if they ever feel that way. Agreed my own mum didn’t handle it in a way that worked for me, I felt a bit dismissed and even more weird in a way.

All I want is for my girls to be comfortable in their own skin. I don’t want to pass my secret shame on to them or have them be ashamed themselves or afraid to talk. If they were boys, I’d take the same line - all bodies are different, and we respect our bodies and each other.

As for the labiaplasty… One thing to look forward to regarding menopause, at least.

Always surprises me how people are so eager to describe their fannys to a random stranger on the internet because someone posts about it.

My DC called my parts ‘a Willy’ that made me feel great 😅 and when I said I didn’t have balls, proceeded to shove their head in to check!

I’m so sorry you went through that, that’s really sad and your experience is absolutely valid to share. What a douchebag your ex was to drive you to that. I’m grateful my husband has absolutely nothing bad to say - he knows it’s a sensitive topic for me. Thank you for sharing your story, as a 35 year old woman I absolutely appreciate the perspective.

Next time say to her - actually you need to stop asking in that way. My body and yours are different. One is not right and the other is not wrong. There is nothing wrong with my vulva and there is nothing wrong with yours. But these are my private parts so please be respectful and kind. Repeat

75% of laboa minora protrude outside the labia majora. It’s normal, it’s the same as MOST women.
Pre-pubescent and post-menopause it’s different; here the labia minora are small.
Larger labia minora show the woman is of a reproductive age and most men would respond positively.