Parenting, vaginas and advice, please.

[ohmybaby]

TW: Body dysmorphia.

Let me preface this with the simple fact that there are a million other things that are so much more important than this. But I could do with some advice on how to handle this.

The short version is my eldest DD (nearly 6) asks me why my vulva is different to hers. My labia minora protrude beyond my labia majora (and have done since puberty - maybe a few cm) and so it does look different. This was something I struggled with hugely as a teen, especially in the early noughties when all the vaginas you ever saw were pornstar ones, Barbie-esque in all their hairless, labia-free glory. I remember mulling over the pros and cons of taking a pair of scissors to them - I was so embarrassed that I would come to my first sexual encounter and that something so private would be seen as ugly.

Fast forward some twenty years and I’m relieved to say I only ever suffered one awful sexual encounter which honestly I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forget. Thankfully the few other men I slept with didn’t bat an eyelid.

I am relentlessly body positive in front of my kids. I am lucky enough to have two DD and it is absolutely imperative to me that they are body confident. When all else fails, I do my best to channel Jean Milburn in Sex Education (Otis’ mum) who is the pinnacle for me on how to handle this stuff and sort of mirrors my own mum, who was a midwife and practice nurse who more or less laughed me out the room when I tearfully confided in her as a teen that my vagina was repulsive.

This is the third time my eldest has asked why mine is different. I start with saying all bodies are different. I say bodies change as we get older, and aren’t our bodies amazing. I say my vulva is incredible, as I had both of my babies safely because it did such a good job. And then I try and make it funny - look at my tummy button! So different to yours! And look - aren’t your ears different to mine! And I say how wonderful in their differences all bodies are, especially women’s bodies being able to carry babies - cue suffragettes marching, flags waving, feminist battle cries heard from every corner of the globe - but she just looks embarrassed for me and grossed out.

And honestly? A piece of me kinda curls up and dies inside. This isn’t about male approval or being desired or desirable. This is about feeling ashamed of my body in front of my kids, even though I fiercely act as if I’m owning it and proud. But no one ever wants to feel like this. Sometimes I think about getting a labiaplasty, a cosmetic procedure to shorten the labia. In some ways it’d be good - sometimes I’m uncomfortable in certain clothing and underwear. DH thinks I’m crackers and has no idea what the issue is. And ethically I see it as a form of FGM; it can damage nerve endings so that sex is not as pleasurable or even pleasurable at all, which is pretty horrifying.

So here we are, consider me - quite literally - laid bare on my deepest darkest secret. Anyone else out there with a similar experience? Either way - how would you handle it?

I absolutely agree with this. ^ @ohmybaby If you're self concious, as some posters have said keep your naked body, (especially the bottom half) covered/private. I'm no prude, but my kids never saw me naked. Maybe the odd boob flash when changing on the beach, but I kept my naked body private. They never saw DH naked either.

It's not a matter of being a prude, or anything to do with shame, it's about privacy. My body - and my vulva and breasts and arse are not for anyone to look at but my DH. He has been the only one to see any of this for the past 35+ years. Apart from medical staff for cervical smears etc... It's just as perfectly acceptable and OK and 'normal' to not want to walk around showing your naked body to your children, and to keep it private, as it is to walk around stark naked with everything on show.

A few posters seem aghast that some others don't walk around the house with their arse, vulva, and breasts on show for everyone in the house to see. I'm not saying this is wrong, but as someone said, do teenagers really want to see their parents walking around the the house naked? Also, it's OK to cover up too. There's nothing wrong with keeping your naked body as private as you can. There is no right or wrong.

I don't think there's anything wrong with labiaplasty either. A few posters have said they're happy with a large/hanging labia, but that's irrelevant if you're not.

I do find it a bit odd that a 6 year old is commenting on her mum's fanny/labia, but I guess all kids are different. @ohmybaby as a pp said, you do need to shut this down, and tell her everyone is different, and there's no need to keep commenting.

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Oh for pity’s sake, of course you look different from each other: only one of you has gone through puberty.

I'd tell her that grown up bodies look different to childrens' bodies. And if she keeps asking, tell her you've already told her, and she doesn't need to keep asking the same thing!

Thank you for your perspective. As much as I want to be open and body positive, I also don’t want to weird her out or cross her boundaries and make her feel icky or uncomfortable. I’m conscious it’s a two way street when it comes to something so private. But I do want to shut it down, kindly but firmly, with a line that repeats the message - all bodies are different and great - but doesn’t invite further discussion, because as so many have pointed out - it’s my body and ultimately, private.

I think this sums it up perfectly. Thank you.

Fair enough but it’s prudish and teaching kids bodies are something to be shameful of. That’s what creates issues with their own self confidence as they grow up.
My kids see me if they walk in the bathroom if I’m in the shower or on toilet, getting dressed. It’s good they see what a regular person looks like instead of the fakery they’ll be confronted with on social media etc.
Once they start getting embarrassed as teens then we cover up.

@ohmybaby I know what you mean and can see how this would be very visible with an outie vulva through normal daily life.

My 6yo son is oblivious to my body, but my 3yo daughter though has asked lots of times about things like armpit/pubic hair and nipples, comparing with herself I guess. As pp say, and as your daughter is 6 now, it's totally age appropriate to discuss some of the ways bodies change during puberty, and differences between women.

But if they are bothering you day to day, I would consider surgery. 100% for your comfort. My thighs chafe but I can use chafe cream for that, I'd be in agony if my labia were chafing!

My mum used to walk into my bedroom every morning and she was naked, vulva on display. I found it repulsive, because I didn’t need to see it.
i always asked why she couldn’t wear a dressing gown to wake me up. So when i had my own children I covered up and we all respect privacy.
Name me one teenager who wants to see all her mothers bits and bobs…..

OP, I don’t have any advice but just wanted to say that you sound great!
I have lots of hangups about my body but try very hard not to show any of that to my DC. It’s not always easy but I do think we have to model the behaviour and mindset we want them to have.

@Vivienne1000careful you’ll be labelled a prude

You sound so intense .

Sorry but I have to ask as well, how does she see your vulva in detail so often?
I have a DS and I don’t have a problem if he comes in the toilet with me or to see my breast (he’s been breastfed anyway for ages!), or even walk in if I am having a bath. But my vulva? Nah…It wouldn’t be possible really in all those situations. My mother is a very open lady and never hid herself either, but I have never seen her private parts that closely to compare them with mine?
If you are uncomfortable and that’s ok, just keep your legs closer in your daughter presence and if she asks to see say no. There is also a lesson on boundaries and the ability to say no and be respected that you can teach here there

Ive always been conscious about mine, i have one very long minora, not helped by when i once mentioned it to DH (20 plus years ago not long after we met), he replied with something along the lines of, yes I’ve not seen one like that before. He will have zero recollection and I know he was only answering what ever I said and didn’t mean any malice but it stuck with me.

However, I think it’s your hang up and not your child’s, even if it was super neat and symmetrical it would still be different to your DDs as she’s a child and your an adult. Same as adult and child’s penis’s are different. I think you need to reiterate this and then stop her asking again.

But she won’t be naked in front of her teenager. She is naked in front of a very young child. As the child of someone who was very ashamed and embarrassed of their body I went on to have a very shit relationship with my body and could never talk about my body and sex etc and have really suffered as a result, I think the OP is amazing

How is it out of the average size? They come in all shapes and sizes. Women being pressured by society (and people like you saying is significantly outside average) to cut of their labia is a problem and literally is FGM.

Labiaplasty is NOT FGM. For goodness sake! Labiaplasty is the trimming of the labia that a woman CHOOSES to do. FGM is the forced removal of the clitoris glans! (The external and visible part of the clitoris, which is a sensitive part of the female genitals), and/or the prepuce/clitoral hood (the fold of skin surrounding the clitoral glans.)

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So many massive prudes on here.

I think you are handling it perfectly

I am naked a lot at home specially at the moment because it’s so bloody hot ( and menopause) and today my 5 year old asked why I had such a fat tummy I said something similar to you and said my tummy was his home for nine months and it was a lovely squishy home on the inside and he loves cuddling it now on the outside
I never ever let my kids hear me complain about my body ( I almost never do moan as it’s a fucking boring thing to bang in about to your partner ) and only talk in terms of it’s amazing functions , if my daughter catches me weighing myself ( I try not to do it. ) I always act a it I’m happy with what it says ( I never am ! ) she has some eating and body issues at a young age due to comments made by her girls and I was bulimic do I’m very vigilant about that

I would shut down any more vulva critique, she’s asked , you answered, job done , I’d go with a breezy everybody’s unique and change subject

It’s okay OP don’t worry, you are dealing with this in a great way, with integrity and honesty. It’s great that your kids see your naked body and feel comfortable enough to ask you questions about it. What about if you said to your 6yo that labias come in lots of different shapes and sizes, neutrally, every single time she asks, then change the subject - it’s just one more body part, no special attention needed. Sending you lots of good luck and positive vibes. I’m still waiting for my 4yo son to ask me why me & daddy are hairy down there, but he seems to take it all in his stride! You got this xxx

Oh my lord. She can’t help it. They are there!

Mine are very visible OP. Very! They’ve never caused me discomfort though and make me extremely sensitive and I wouldn’t want that chopping off. At the end of the day we are only considering labiaplasty because what society has pushed on us as needing to be perfect and the “ideal.” Well Ian Somerhalder was cuter with his sticky out ears. I have a friend, would never tell her, I much preferred her old nose. I have friends whose implants look like bolted on basketballs. Some surgeries look good. Some….you could end up going for a wee and it’s squirting all over the show. You’d want them back then.

Tell your daughter she may look like you one day. And that’s ok!

“DH thinks I’m crackers and has no idea what the issue is. ”

I really think you need a to hang on to this, OP. Look at ears - some people have practically no ear-lobe: some have Dumbo-type flappers. But most people don’t stress about it - it’s just how they are. You are how you are: your DD is curious, you’ve answered her questions, so now it’s time to move on. And truly: think no more of it!

Well maybe you should get out more then and less of a gamer, as I’d tell a stranger in Starbucks if they wanted to know. Lighten up.

Do you shave? The only time I’ve happened to notice other women’s genitalia in that detail is when they are hairless.

I’m a swimmer, before you ask! Nakedness in the showers/changing rooms is entirely normal.

grow a lovely big bush and then no one can see labia unless you’re showing them. Mine are well hidden😂

You have done the right thing telling her entirely correctly that everyone is different. If she asks again then tell her again.
I do not think the problem lies with your DD who is just an inquisitive child who is receiving sensible replies to her questions.
I think the problem is your history with this. It was obviously a big thing in your mind growing up so sparks a bigger response in you than is objectively needed.
Is there some way you could get some counselling to help you?
Good luck.

I’m so glad someone has pointed this out. OP isn’t “showing in detail”, it’s literally visible from a single glance! I hope people do look at the artwork you mentioned to understand this.