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I have started writing an erotic novel

68 replies

TrishPio · 28/09/2010 21:17

I am sure that it will be her intention to stay faithful. Even as the adrenaline surges through her, and giggling dementedly, she binge drinks and knocks back shots. She'll be telling her friends how special you are as they accept a drink from the 'good looking fella' at the bar. As she staggers on to the dance floor and feels Kevin the builder's engorged manhood jabbing into her bottom, throughout the Lionel Richie medley, she will be thinking 'It can't hurt, it's only flirting. What he doesn't know can't hurt him'. Outside the bar, barely able to stand, she will be explaining, in that slightly pompous way, that she has a boyfriend and that Kev is being very naughty putting his hands up her top like that.

Then she will feel his breath against her neck, the warm night air will force the alcohol to surge through her body and the next thing she remembers will be the slow rhythmic slap of Kevin's pelvis against her arse and the faint sensation of humiliation and pleasure as he drunkenly slaps her behind slurring 'yeah c**t. Ah, yeah, you bitch'.

Desperate to please she will allow him to place his blunt sadness in her mouth, explore the darkness of her skull, and accept his desiccated DNA against the back of her parched and gagging throat.

As he wipes his penis on the cheap linen of his cheap bed in his institutionalized holiday box in the sun above the Adelphos Fish and Chip Palace, and lurches to the bathroom with the words 'I need a p*ss', she will feel the sobering effects of shame and the promise she made to man who trusted her.

OP posts:
ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 29/09/2010 12:02

"...cop another feel of his blunt sadness while knocking back more questionable cocktails? She would definitely need lube..."

Aitch · 29/09/2010 12:08

"...rication in the form of alcohol before she would willingly climb back onto those nasty sheets".

MmeLindt · 29/09/2010 15:58

hahahahahahhahaha

MN is fab today. Where have they all come from, the loons?

LOL at his blunt sadness and the Lionel Richie Medley.

ShirleyKnot · 29/09/2010 16:09

OI OI!

Blunt Sadness

This is a bit weird

MmeLindt · 29/09/2010 16:11

oooh, you troll hunter you.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 29/09/2010 16:13

WTF?!

ShirleyKnot · 29/09/2010 16:14

So it's a meme

SolidGoldBrass · 29/09/2010 16:16

I don't get that at all.

Mind you, I clicked on the thread all bright-eyed and ready to offer the OP some publishing advice, only to have a nasty flashback to years of assessing genuinely-submitted erotic novels which were that bad if not worse.
And now it turns out to be some kind of SNopesy internet legend? WTF indeed.

BitOfFun · 29/09/2010 16:16
Grin

This place is weird today.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 29/09/2010 16:18

How does it 'instill fear' though? By reminding you that some sex is shit?

ShirleyKnot · 29/09/2010 16:18

"A classic piece of copy paste used to instil fear of girlfriends going away on holidays by themselves."

niiiice.

Kev is quite scary what with his dessicated DNA and wiping his cock on the sheets (isn't it usuall curtains?) but I don't think it would put me off going on holiday.

ShadeofViolet · 29/09/2010 16:21

Makes me want to go on holiday

:o

MmeLindt · 29/09/2010 16:21

It does not really instill fear though, does it? Unless you have a Kevin-the-Builder-is-not-a-good-shag-phobia.

BitOfFun · 29/09/2010 16:22

Thou hast committed adultery

Ah but that was in another country, and besides, the cock was limp...

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 29/09/2010 16:22

Oh, I see! It's supposed to scare the Man Who Is Left Behind. Best lock the missus in a cupboard, eh? Just in case.

Gretl · 29/09/2010 16:22

I'm not scared yet.

But then I've never been into sucking blokes off above chippies.
Yay me.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 29/09/2010 16:22

Spunkdust doesn't really count, though, does it?

ShirleyKnot · 29/09/2010 16:25

The annoying thing about it is that everytime I see the word "dessiccated" I think of dessiccated coconut, and that makes me think of coconut cake/coconut ice/coconut biscuits.

BitOfFun · 29/09/2010 16:26

I'm enjoying the OP's other contributions to this site too. Top tips on using fruits during sex if you have an enlarged vagina. But no pineapples. Apparently.

BitOfFun · 29/09/2010 16:26

Coconut might work- you're right, Shirley.

ShirleyKnot · 29/09/2010 16:33

So strange, a couple of normal answers/threads about music the baby likes and then BAM! bonkers

KurriKurri · 29/09/2010 18:05

No pineapples BOF ?, that is disappointing, they would go well with the coconut.

Blunt sadness sounds like one of those collective nouns, 'a blunt sadness of penises' perhaps.

ZacharyQuack · 29/09/2010 22:00

I like that when you google "Blunt Sadness", the second result is James Blunt.

boobmanagement · 29/09/2010 22:19

This is great stuff! When is the book coming out?

SolidGoldBrass · 29/09/2010 23:50

I think 'blunt sadness' as a euphemism for penis is possibly one of the most gloriously yuk ones I have ever heard. It is better than my all time former fave (from an actual submitted erotic novel manuscript) - 'her vaulted cavern' meaning fanjo. I did write back to that aspiring author pointing out that the implication was 'bucket fanny' and therefore not erotic.