Today after I found myself contemplating suicide I have decided to put myself into bootcamp. Feel free to ignore me but if I type this out and announce it publically I will stick to it

[TWINSETinapeartree]

The constant feeling ashamed of how I look, having to hide away and not want to leave the house has taken its toll. I am fed up of it, dp is and so is dd.

I have tried every diet and lifestyle change I can, weighwatchers, slimming world, a group at my surgery, lighterlife, cambridge, cabbage soup, counselling, just eating less and moving more and it never lasts long term.

Every month I get fatter and fatter and hate myself even more. Today I was out walking with dd, dp and the dog and someone commented on my appearance. I walked into town bought some tablets and took half the box. I am so sick of my self loathing.

I have decided that the only way to deal with this is to take drastic action rather than being the fat bitch who winges but never does anything about it.

I have moved my things out of my bedroom and I will sleep on a put up bed in the spare room as I know that I will hate this. I will move back into the bedroom when I have lost at least two stone.

I have a cooked meal at work and have my breakfast but that will be it, no eating with the family. I am only going to drinnk water.

I will cancel all social activities until again I have lost two stone. My family are supposed to be coming up to visit and I have cancelled.

I have been to the local gym to join, just at the leisure centre so it is cheap and as a teacher I get a discount.

I am going to stop buying new clothes as I get fatter as it is allowing me to carry on makig myself more and more obese. Again I love clothes and fashion so this will hurt but I need drastic action and need to stop rewarding myself for making myself more obese.

I have hunted out every ugly fat picture of me and stick them on the fridge and cupboards to remind myself how bad l look and that something needs to change.

Twinset, what is it that stops the tyoical stuff working? Is it because it is so psychological you don't actually stick to the regimes or is there something medical/biological going on?

I hate to say it, but drastic does work. Where are your rewards going to be, I mean the little successes along the way rewards not the rejoining the family at the end 'biggie'?

Twinset, get yourself to your GP. Please?

And cutting yourself off from your family is only going to make any tensions worse.

By the way, didn't mean to overlook the suicidal desperation, but ikwym - for other reasons of self loathing.

Twinset, glad you have decided to lose weight but I think there is more to it.
As I'm sure you know, suicide is fairly drastic. To a smaller extent so is cancelling all social activities - will that not just add to your misery?
Why is your self esteem so low that some idiot's comment in the street can affect you to that extent.
You need to start being kinder to yourself and losing weight in a way that doesn't seem like punishment.
I'm sorry I'm sure some version of this has ll been said to you before, but I couldn't not answer.
FWIW I remember seeing a picture of you a few months ago (don't know when it was taken) and I thought you looked lovely.

I have been to the doctor and he has dine blood tests and checks and there is no phyical reason why I cannot loose weight or control my eating.

My lighterlife counsellor told me I just had a complete lack of self discipline and needed to just make myself stick to a regime.

If I could afford to pay to put myself in a boot camp style setting, or have a gastric band or similar I would. I have asked my GP and he said I am not overwieght enough, despite being morbidally obese.

I see my GP on a weekly basis, he is not concerned about my weight. I have tried being nice to myself and it just makes me fatter.

I am not going to cut myself off from my immediate family but seeing other people is making it worse as it just increases my self loathing and I comfort eat.

Drastic does work for me, I lost weight when on lighterlife as I had to be so drastic, but as soon as I tried to relax a bit it piled on and then some.

My rewards will be that I will allow myself back into the bedroom and will have my birthday party.

Well your lighter life "counsellor" most definitely sounds as though she should be doing what she's doing
What do you like doing?

I love camping, walking and photography.

I love to cook but that will have to end.

I also design and make clothes.

I know that feeling suicidal is drastic and that is why for the sake of me and my family I need to sort this out.

It is beyond ridiculous that an intelligent woman cannot control her weight.

Twinset, I used to comfort eat. It's only this past few months it has stopped.
If I know I feel depressed or anxious, I will go and do something- anything- to stop me reaching for the ice cream.
Even is it's just sticking my head out of the window in the kitchen to watch the trees swaying in the breeze on the river for a few minutes and deep breathing. When I can smile, even slightly, I return to what I'm doing.
Cutting yourself off from friends and family isn't the best idea.

"It is beyond ridiculous that an intelligent woman cannot control her weight. "
You're not alone!

Would something like NLP work for you? I don't know a lot about it but I think you can go to workshops or even just read a book

twinset - do you have a copy of nigella's how to eat? it has a very good chapter on slimming/temple food which would appeal to you as still proper food.

I'd also recommend running - its free, makes you feel amazing and half an hour three times a week makes you feel fab. Its also good reflecting time.

Good luck.

how about taking a camera down to the bottom of the garden and taking some arty photos of hedgerows and stuff- nature photography? I think you have the patience to do that well.

TS, sorry you are feeling so crap. I think I have finally reached the point where I actually care and want to do it myself as well and have been writing down everything that I eat and recording it on a food diary website thing. It is embarrasing to see it and know that DH can see it so I am trying to stick to it.

I agree with others that say yo need a reward though. How about a new outift whenever you go down a dress size? you could choose a nice one or make it?

I also found that having an item of clothing i wanted to fit into and trying it on whenever i was tempted to overeat helped.

But do have some treats - a nice bath oil or body lotion.

My v self disciplined friend does the liz hurley thing of eating off smaller plates - works for her.

Yes I have that book, tried using the Nigella recipes and lost some weight but it did not work long term as dd and dp ate other food and i found myself picking at theirs or eating the things they had in as well.

Stealth I have tried so many types of counselling it is unreal , have spent a fortune as well and it has got me nowhere. I have had NLP and it did nothing for me.

I used to run but the thought of running in public makes me feel sick.

i live with my family so will see them and will see people at work but I need to have a few really hard months so I dont end up back where I started.

I don't really understand why not seeing your family and moving out of your bedroom will help you in your quest to lose weight?
If you love cooking, how about learning new ways to cook healthy food instead of saying you will have to stop? You'll still need to eat even if you take drastic action.
Have you heard about the Food Doctor, aka nutritionist Ian Marber?
He has a good website
www.thefooddoctor.com/default.asp?article_id=default.asp
and has a good attitude to food and eating, ie don't "diet", rather eat well on a daily basis, which is good because it is realistic and not overly harsh/restrictive.

I also desperately want a baby, I doubt I will conceive being this obese.

tracey I would love to just fit into my whole wardobe, I have my working wardobe that fits and one pair of jeans that sort of fit. Today I had to go out in jogging pants and a fleece as that was all I could stretch over my acres of lard.

I have had a problem with what I ate, now I realise that my real problem is portion sizing- now I use a smaller plate

If you are reluctant to go running, how about swimming instead? Much easier if you are self conscious (I swim most weeks and there are all body sizes at my local pool and no one gives anyone else a second glance).