Today after I found myself contemplating suicide I have decided to put myself into bootcamp. Feel free to ignore me but if I type this out and announce it publically I will stick to it

[TWINSETinapeartree]

The constant feeling ashamed of how I look, having to hide away and not want to leave the house has taken its toll. I am fed up of it, dp is and so is dd.

I have tried every diet and lifestyle change I can, weighwatchers, slimming world, a group at my surgery, lighterlife, cambridge, cabbage soup, counselling, just eating less and moving more and it never lasts long term.

Every month I get fatter and fatter and hate myself even more. Today I was out walking with dd, dp and the dog and someone commented on my appearance. I walked into town bought some tablets and took half the box. I am so sick of my self loathing.

I have decided that the only way to deal with this is to take drastic action rather than being the fat bitch who winges but never does anything about it.

I have moved my things out of my bedroom and I will sleep on a put up bed in the spare room as I know that I will hate this. I will move back into the bedroom when I have lost at least two stone.

I have a cooked meal at work and have my breakfast but that will be it, no eating with the family. I am only going to drinnk water.

I will cancel all social activities until again I have lost two stone. My family are supposed to be coming up to visit and I have cancelled.

I have been to the local gym to join, just at the leisure centre so it is cheap and as a teacher I get a discount.

I am going to stop buying new clothes as I get fatter as it is allowing me to carry on makig myself more and more obese. Again I love clothes and fashion so this will hurt but I need drastic action and need to stop rewarding myself for making myself more obese.

I have hunted out every ugly fat picture of me and stick them on the fridge and cupboards to remind myself how bad l look and that something needs to change.

why don't you change the way the whole family eats, not just yourself?

Because Pannacotta I need to have goals to work towards, I have done the new outfit, done the if I loose weight I will go on holiday, if i loose weight I will live longer and be happy and it doesnt work.

I need to now take away the only things I have that I treasure and only have them back when I start to eat normally.

I have an Ian Marber book and cook from it, I was planning to use that and the Nigella chapter when I have to cook for myself at the weekend.

Yes I will be swimming, I can do that at my lesire centre. I love to swim.

Different ID I have begged dp to change the way he eats but he is a really fussy eater and lives on junk food and just wont eat what I eat.. That is part of the reason I hve piled on weight since meating him (gone from a 14 to an 18) because I have to cook 2 sets of meals and will often at least pick if not eat both.

Hi TIAPT

Have you read India Knight/Nerys Thomas' book "The Idiot Proof Diet"?

Although it is essentially a low carb plan, it's written very well, and by two women who lost weight following the plan - 5 stone each. There's some great stuff in there about the psychology of eating.

They also have their own forum, Pig2Twig which might be worth a look?

If it would help, I'll gladly lend you my copy.

oh honey. you are really very beautiful, this self loathing is horrible . i am also fat, and need to sort myself out

however, punishing yourself by forbidding yourself to do the things you love is so sad

you can cook, healthy, low fat food

you can buy clothes - accesories don;t have to be a certain size!

you can do everything you love, just adapt it a wee bit

you might be overweight, but you are not ugly

have you tried CBT for food issues?

twinset - i am crap at running and would never run in town but am rural (i think you are too) and so run down the lanes where the only things to see me are the cows!

i do know how you feel but with me i know that i have to be mentally in the right frame of mind to lose weight - happened before xmas - lost the lost bit of baby weight as was just suddenly focused.

and i know this is shallow but i found certain tv programmes (satc) and reading magazines like vogue also helped me to focus.

TS, please don't beat yourself up over your weight. I need to lose about 3, no, 4 stone, I'm only short so can't hide the weight anywhere.

I've just joined Weight Watchers (again) and my family will happily eat their meals - all home cooked, I can't live on ready meals.

From what I've read in the past, your posts, you are a lovely lovely lady, cosset and cherish yourself, please don't punish yourself.

for you today

Hi Twinset.

First off, I wanted to say that (though you don't know me) you always come across in your posts as kind, sexy, funny and sharp; I'm sorry you're feeling so low now.

Feel free to ignore if this is ludicrously obvious, but, do you drink much? Not to excess, but a couple of glasses a night? I did, and suddenly realised that it was why I'd put on 2 stone since uni. I stopped, and within a year I'd lost that weight, pretty much by not drinking. It was hard to begin with (DH still drank, and I did miss it), but watching the weight come off made it worth it.

Even today, I drink much, much less than I did.

I read somewhere when I started, "nothing tastes as good as being slim feels." I found that true for me, and helped me to say no to that glass of red!

Understand the goals thing, just not the issue of not seeing family/sharing a room, surely that is just punishing them and you?

In terms of cooking sorry but I really think you should cook the same, healthy food for all of you and stick to this in the long term, not just until you have lost the weight, you will struggle to stick to a healthy weight if other non healthy food is being consumed in your home.
Can't you get your DP on side and to share the cooking? Surely he wants you to slim down and be happy?

Twinset have just CATed you .

BecauseImWorthIt I will look at that.

Dp likes me the way I am, when I was on lighterlife I got down to a size 14 and he hated it. He will not change his diet and he is a grown adult who can make his own decisions.

Lulu have had CBT and it just does nothing, we are thousands and thousands of pounds in debt because of what we have paid out in private hospital admissions and counselling fees.

twoluvlykids I think I do need to beat myself up because by being kind to myself and saying you might be a fat bird but you are clever, nice and have pretty eyes I am ignoring the fact that how I look is ruining my life. I cant go on waving the fat is fine flag and pretending to be happy when I am anything but that.

Penthesileia I drinnk more than I probably should tbh so that is another thing I will be stopping.

TS, I'm not saying you should ignore the weight, I'm just saying you shouldn't punish yourself.

Life is punishing enough, don't you think, without self-loathing.

There's many times when I feel if I was thinner my life would be better - I was turned down for a fab job I wanted last week, and my first thought was "Is it coz I'm fat?" but then I told myself not to be ridiculous.

Weight control is very hard - doesn't matter if you're intelligent or not - our society is surrounded by food, wherever we turn.

Please please listen to us all.

Twinset, the only other thing I can suggest is that dp sorts his own meals out and you do for yourself and dd.
Dp needs to have a wake up call- is he growing out of his trousers on the stuff he is eating?
Can you not tell him you're worried about aching joints and need to lose weight to stay healthy and active?

Try to focus on the fact that you, as a person, are intelligent and worth a whole lot to everyone who loves you.

It's your behaviour (i.e. the lack of will power/self-discipline) that's not been great.

Therefore you should not be unkind to yourself, but you must look for ways to encourage the right kind of behaviour.

Have you tried to work out what causes you to slip/cheat? And what helps you to succeed? Once you have worked this out, then plan out how you're going to eat and make sure that you put in place the right kind of triggers and avoid the wrong ones.

(I know, it sounds so easy!)

different id he is very slim.

I overeat because I loathe myself I think I am so obese that one more thing wont matter. I also momentarily feel good as I eat something I enjy.

TS, I'll check in later - my dh is making "can i have the laptop" type noises.

It is possible to treat yourself well AND lose weight - if you beat yourself up over it, every meal will be something to endure, rather than enjoy, and where's the sense in that?

Thinking of you.

you loathe the way you look. please don't confuse the way you look with the person you are.
Sweetie- I am trying to eat healthily and lose weight that way and I am way bigger than you are. It took years to go on and I know that it will take some time to come off.
take a look at my profile in a couple of minutes.

look at the top photo.

Twinset - size 18 really isn't going to make you morbidly obese, and if your GP isn't concerned about your weight then this goes to support this. What makes you think that you are?

I have looked at your photo and I can tell just by looking at you that you have bags more confidence than me. That is the key I dont have the confidence to carry on as I am.

confidence? Twinset- I fake confidence. That's all.
What size do you think I am from that photo?

You should read the Paul McKenna book 'I can make you thin'. Even if you don't follow the 4 steps to losing weight, there's a lot in there about feeling good about yourself and being more confident; to look in the mirror and like what you see rather than calling yourself names. It is possible to be overweight, want to lost it, but be confident in the meantime.
I think you're stuck in a vicious cycle you hate yourself becasue you're fat, so eat to comfort yourself, then end up even fatter and hate yourself even more...

lose not lost. sorry

TWinset, we are here if you want company, help, walking buddies at weeken

Twinset - does your DP really know how badly you feel about this? If you're thousands in the hole from counselling and tried to overdose and he's not ready to make changes in his own diet, then maybe he's the one that needs counselling. He needs to love you at the weight you want to be, and are comfortable and healthy with. Is he scared that if you lose the weight you'll be attractive to other men? I really do wonder how much of your current problems are due to your DP, and if that's the case, then maybe sleeping in the spare room will help him to understand that he needs to be supporting you more.

Really that you feel this way - hoping that this is your rock-bottom and you can work your way up solidly now.

BTW - I've totally muntered up since meeting DH, who's also horribly skinny and eats whatever he wants...