Today after I found myself contemplating suicide I have decided to put myself into bootcamp. Feel free to ignore me but if I type this out and announce it publically I will stick to it

[TWINSETinapeartree]

The constant feeling ashamed of how I look, having to hide away and not want to leave the house has taken its toll. I am fed up of it, dp is and so is dd.

I have tried every diet and lifestyle change I can, weighwatchers, slimming world, a group at my surgery, lighterlife, cambridge, cabbage soup, counselling, just eating less and moving more and it never lasts long term.

Every month I get fatter and fatter and hate myself even more. Today I was out walking with dd, dp and the dog and someone commented on my appearance. I walked into town bought some tablets and took half the box. I am so sick of my self loathing.

I have decided that the only way to deal with this is to take drastic action rather than being the fat bitch who winges but never does anything about it.

I have moved my things out of my bedroom and I will sleep on a put up bed in the spare room as I know that I will hate this. I will move back into the bedroom when I have lost at least two stone.

I have a cooked meal at work and have my breakfast but that will be it, no eating with the family. I am only going to drinnk water.

I will cancel all social activities until again I have lost two stone. My family are supposed to be coming up to visit and I have cancelled.

I have been to the local gym to join, just at the leisure centre so it is cheap and as a teacher I get a discount.

I am going to stop buying new clothes as I get fatter as it is allowing me to carry on makig myself more and more obese. Again I love clothes and fashion so this will hurt but I need drastic action and need to stop rewarding myself for making myself more obese.

I have hunted out every ugly fat picture of me and stick them on the fridge and cupboards to remind myself how bad l look and that something needs to change.

Slightly bonkers I will look into over eaters that may be off help.

Breadandroses I comepletely see what you are saying about the not eating with dd but what is hurting dd now is seeing her mum in a mess.

I will qualify or at least explain the friends and family thing, when I meet my sisters or family it just makes me feel even more crap about myself and I swing into huge over eating binges. I cannot even hope to address my weight when seeing them.

I am seeing a counsellor about my self esteem and have been seeing someone for a while. I am very aware of the issues I have around food, but have not made the link from knowing why I do something to not doing it.

Notreallycutout- dp just does not get it, he does not look at me and see a fat woman, he thinks I am a complete Goddess He knows there are huge depression issues and wants to tackle that, hence the money we have happily (well not happily but you know what I mean) spent. He thinks when I am not depressed I will like the way I look. I think when I like the way I look I will feel less depressed.

He is a very practical number crunching man so has spent the evening drawing up spreadsheets, exercise regimes and diet plans for me.

There are so many of us out there. I hate teh way I look, I eat because I am sad, I am sad because I can't control what I eat. Am starting counselling next week was hoping it might shed some light on me. I have been depressed most of my adult life and want both these issues resolved as they are linked.

Fingers crossed for all of us x

Well at least you both have the same goal - your happiness.

He sounds supportive, TS, I can't imagine ever being thought of as a Goddess by anyone, myself...so I think that's lovely

twinset- when you say in your OP- 'taken half the box', what do you mean???

do you mean pills?

that it is you posting.

You are a witty, intelligent and may I say (I'm on your face book) and extremely attractive lady.

You do of course need to go back to your doctor and let him know just how low you are feeling. Please tell him you took the tablets.

You have such a beautiful daughter and need to be there for her as you say.

I have 9 stone to lose and will be joining Lewis et al tomorrow so I may see you there?

Hi twinset. Hope you are feeling better this morning and can see the wood for the trees a bit better.

I think the punishing schedule you have set will not help you. It's all too negative.

I know you say that your DP is an adult and can choose for himself but by eating junk constantly he is also sending the wrong message to your DD. When you say he eats junk, what exactly do you mean?

I do really feel for you as I know how you feel. I am almost 17 stone. I would love to be 10 stone. So that is 7 stone to lose. It seems impossible. But then again so did 4!

I too have done most diets - WW, SW, Rosemary Conley, HerbalLife, Atkins, low GI, slimming pills etc. Before I had DS I spent 10 months exercising 6 days a week most weeks with a great personal trainer who also kept an eye on my food intake. I lost 10 kilos. Lost almost 2 stone on Atkins 4 years ago have put it back on with another 2 stone on top.

I started SW last week. Went out for dinner on Tuesday night and ate and drank too much and fell off wagon. After only 2 days! That is pretty much me these days. (Somehow I still managed to lose a pound this week!)

I drink far too much. So that is stopping - weekends only from now. And I am switching to weak white wine sodas - which I do enjoy.

Am still contemplating SW but I have joined up to a free website that was linked to here - Food Focus and will see how I go with that. There is a thread going about it here.

I understand how being unable to lose weight makes you feel like a failure. That is how I feel. So I comfort eat to make me feel better. Funny how that doesn't work!

Please come back to this thread. You are a lovely person and deserve to be happy. Please don't punish yourself.