Friend is acting weird around my weight loss

[Flowerpower101]

Basically the title says it all. I've struggled with my weight all my life but after having kids I ballooned up massively to the point I was uncomfortable with doing everyday things around the house.
Recently I've said enough is enough and focused on clean eating and exercise which in result has me feeling so much better with myself and losing 2.5 stones. I still have a another 2 stones to lose.

Everyone has noticed the difference and has complimented my weightloss, apart from this friend. A little back story I've known her since primary school have grown up with her and have always been the fat friend. She was always slim and tall but during covid she gained alot of weight (I'm sure we all did) and now weighs more than me. I'm sure it's envy or jealousy but she's the only person who has not mentioned my weightloss and when another mutual friend said something about it she said 'ow that's good, I haven't really noticed'.

It does hurt since I'm always supportive of her in anything she does but now I'm trying to do something for myself she hasn't even acknowledged it. I know I should just brush it off but it does sting. I would appreciate any advice.

I wouldn't know what to say in this circumstance. I wouldn't want to confirm to a friend that their worth is based on their body looking like it did before pregnancy.

Fat people get seriously offended when fellow fat people lose weight. They take it personally when actually it's anything but, who cares what others weigh.

Leave her to it.

Have you told her that you are actively trying to lose weight? I have friends that I know are frustrated and unhappy with their weight because they talk about it and when they lose weight I tell them they look great etc. There are others who don't talk about their weight and if they lost weight I wouldn't say anything because I don't know why or if they want the attention about it. It's a bit like people wouldn't usually comment about weight gain.

I wouldn't dream of commenting on a person's weight unless they mentioned it first. My best friend's weight has fluctuated up and down due to illness (and lockdown) and I couldn't give less of a toss, I think she looks amazing no matter what.

I genuinely will not notice if a friend loses or gains weight, unless it's a really significant amount, because weight is not really a salient characteristic of my friends to me. But even if I do notice, I am not ever spontaneously going to say anything, because a) it's none of my fucking business, and b) I have no idea whether the gain or loss is a positive thing or underpinned by a positive thing for that person, and nor should I. If you tell me you've been working hard at weight loss and lost x amount and you're thrilled, I will offer congratulations, but that is the extent to which I am ever going to discuss someone's weight.

Ah ignore this, I can see from your later posts that this isn't the kind of behaviour your friend is displaying

Not mentioning it isnt necessarily acting weird about it

I think it depends on the situation. I only comment on someone’s weight loss if A. they do and B. they’ve done it in a seemingly healthy way.

For instance a friend from my hometown messaged me during the pandemic saying she lost 4 stone. So since she’d opened up the topic I was able to ask if she had deliberately lost weight ( as opposed to not eating through stress) and how . She said yes it was intentional, and she’d been strongly urged to by her GP. She’d achieved it through walking her new dog for hours and cutting down massively on the huge amount of foods she was eating.

I wouldn’t actually have noticed because even before her weight loss she still had a very slim face and as I hadn’t seen her in person for years I was just mainly seeing her face in the WhatsApp profile picture as she didn’t upload a lot of full body shots to social media.

But she’d went out her way to tell me and it was clearly something she was proud of and it had improved her health massively to the extent she had reversed her diabetes, so I was proud of her and definitely complimented her on her achievement and when we finally met up I told her she looked great.

I think it would’ve been very weird if I’d said nothing about her weight loss in that situation

On the one hand I am happy for you. I am sure you feel a lot better know, especially if you have more energy.

However, for the vast majority of people it's all about looks, and only ever about looks. It also makes me sad this can be considered an accomplishment as well, because it's evidence of how much of someone's value (and particularly women's value) is placed on appearance, especially weight.

And this might be raining on your parade, but what if you gain it all back? Statiscally about 95% of those who lose a significant amount of weight gain it all back within 5 years.

I wasn't always fat, but after I gained quite a bit of weight I managed to lose quite a chunk of it some years ago. Well, it took about three years and I am heavier than before I lost the weight.

A few months ago we spoke about joining the gym together as we were both a little fed up with our weight but due to her work schedule and me always busy with the children we never went but when we spoke about it again a few weeks later I mentioned Ive started working out at home so she did know I was trying to actively get healthy. The subject never really came up again as non of us bought it up until our mutual friend mentioned it

So you’ve never actually told her you e been trying really hard to loose weight and are now happy about it ?

For the record I am slim. I have a couple of friends who are large. One who has always been so and one who has recently gained a lot (her words).

I would never ever comment on someone’s weight unless they specifically said “I’ve lost weight - can you tell ?”

In which case the answer is “ofcourse you look lovely.” With no specifics. I might ask if they feel different or how they were doing it perhaps.

I mention my friends because I am specifically thinking about how I would behave if it was either of them.

If someone else commented that one of them had lost weight I would probably say very little as saying “oh yes it’s so noticeable”to me is tantamount to saying “Yeah I did notice they were fat before”.

I just never ever comment on weight.

Accept her as she is. She’s not insulting you. For whatever reason she hasn’t mentioned it. Maybe focus on having compassion for her if she’s finding it hard.

Me neither.

Especially since the last 2 friends who lost weight rapidly turned out to have cancer (different ones but same initial effect of weight loss).

I never comment on someone's weight.

I used to. Then three of my friends (separately) told me that when they first had anorexia/bulimia everyone telling them how well they were doing made them feel that they had to keep going and were terrified of eating normally again and gaining the weight back. In all 3 cases, they eventually almost died.

Then I lost weight suddenly as a result of suicidal ideation and severe anxiety and everyone was congratulating me telling me I looked amazing and asking for my "secret".

Then a friend's husband was dying of stomach cancer and was congratulated frequently on his amazing weight loss by people who didn't know.

So I may notice people lose weight, but I won't comment on it, just in case.

Also, sorry if this rubs people up the wrong way, but expecting lots of comments about your appearance is quite vain. Just be happy for yourself. I hate it when I lose weight and people draw attention to it. What if I gain it again? It's sort of like saying, "I've been paying attention to your body and you looked fat before."

And as an aside, I'm pretty sure someone I know thinks I'm "jealous" of her weight loss,

The fact is we're all worried sick about her. She's clearly got an eating disorder and physically looks dreadful, body like a child, hairloss, dry skin, discoloured teeth, drawn sunken face and she's also having memory loss, lowered immune system, change of personality. She's delighted that she's finally a size 4, "got the willpower to fast 20 hours at a time" and keeps trying to get us to talk about how amazing she looks. We don't know what to say. As soon as anyone brings it up, that they're worried, it's "they're so jealous of me finally being thinner than them".

I'm happy for her to think I'm jealous to be honest. I wouldn't swap bodies with her for the world! I just hope she gets the help she needs.

Yeah I never comment on people's weight up or down. A good friend of mine lost a lot a couple of years ago, (which made her a healthy weight) but it happened through heartache and sadness and she hated how people would stop and tell her how much weight she'd lost as it was all the sadness showing in her body. People can look in the mirror and see what weight they are. They don't need other people to say it!

folk are odd! i've lost nearly 3 and a half stone since october, i started my journey the same time as 2 women at work who joinged SW.

they have lost zero.. always talking about food, always telling everyone what they are having for tea, and lots of 'i'm starting again on mondays'

even though they know i am on a diet, they never ever ask me how i am doing, and when they are sharing and offering the buiscuts, although they offer me one, when i decline they reply with 'oh yes you are being good aren't you'..

even if i drop in the conversation how much i have lost... they still don't comment!

its very weird

Good job I’ve got a sense of humour! My rather forthright neighbour phoned saying she had a top which was far too big for her now, but she thought it would fit me! It did fit me but I told her it was too big for me too!

My sister "BF" dropped her like a hot stone when she lost weight before her wedding. She went down to a size 10, which the friend always prided herself on being, with DSis being around a 14 until then. It was a really struggle for DSis as she has PCOS and she was so proud of herself. The nasty comments started when she was nearing her goal, bitchy stuff like "Oh shame you didnt lose the weight years ago, you chould have got a better looking husband", so nasty. DSis was really upset but now realises that their friendship was all about this woman, what she wanted, what she thought etc It didnt take her long to see that she had been toxic all along and was no loss. She has gone through a lot friendships since with each new friend being lesser than her in some way...the fat friend, the poor friend, the childless friend, the unmarried friend etc. And then if they lose weight, get a better job, have a kid, get married, whatever, she drops them as she did DSis.

So I would say its a combination of jealousy and you daring to get out of the fat friend box you have been put in the boosted her feelings of superiority.

Editted to correct bad wording!

Perhaps she didn’t want to make you uncomfortable? I personally would prefer people didn’t comment on my weight full stop, whether that be ‘positively’ or ‘negatively’. I wouldn’t take it badly, she may just think she’s being more respectful by not commenting. Weight loss can be a big thing to the person losing, but it’s not necessarily to other people. I’m sure she’s either just not noticed, or trying to be respectful of you by not commenting on it. I’m glad you feel happier in yourself 🥰

Why does everyone need to comment on your weightloss?

Exactly!

I have a jealous sister.
Once, having not seen her for awhile, I arrived at her house for a party.
She looked at me with the most awful look on her face, like she smelled the worst skunk smell or something truly disgusting .
When I asked her what was wrong, she replied, “Your hair looks really good.”
People are bizarre.

@CuteCillian I hope you don’t drive a car on the roads if you are really that unobservant 😳

🤣🤣🤣

This made me laugh. Are you the friend?!