Friend is acting weird around my weight loss

[Flowerpower101]

Basically the title says it all. I've struggled with my weight all my life but after having kids I ballooned up massively to the point I was uncomfortable with doing everyday things around the house.
Recently I've said enough is enough and focused on clean eating and exercise which in result has me feeling so much better with myself and losing 2.5 stones. I still have a another 2 stones to lose.

Everyone has noticed the difference and has complimented my weightloss, apart from this friend. A little back story I've known her since primary school have grown up with her and have always been the fat friend. She was always slim and tall but during covid she gained alot of weight (I'm sure we all did) and now weighs more than me. I'm sure it's envy or jealousy but she's the only person who has not mentioned my weightloss and when another mutual friend said something about it she said 'ow that's good, I haven't really noticed'.

It does hurt since I'm always supportive of her in anything she does but now I'm trying to do something for myself she hasn't even acknowledged it. I know I should just brush it off but it does sting. I would appreciate any advice.

I was in exactly the same shoes but was the slim friend.

My friend who was losing weight, talked of nothing else. We worked together and every interaction all day, every day, was her emailing or talking about dieting and exercise. It was so boring. I never once provided a breakdown of my diet and exercise program and she never asked.

Also I’m the type that wouldn’t comment on weight having experienced comments from someone close, that created an eating disorder for me for years. So I was and still am not in the right mindset to comment on anyone’s body.

OP, it may be a range of reasons and maybe mine seem silly or dramatic to an outsider, but commenting on people’s weight is a no-go zone for me.

I hear what you are saying, and your feelings are extremely valid. 😊

If you are close, then I would mention that she has offended you by brushing off the fact that she must have noticed all of your hard work and determination paying off. 💪

Obviously, you know why she is jealous, 😒 and I would seriously look at it in a different light—take it as a compliment. 💁‍♀️

Friends should be cheering their friends on, not acting dismissively. I compliment strangers, even in the queue at Asda, if I see something I like, and obviously, I do the same for friends and family.

She could also be feeling miserable and unable to find the words. 😕

I would test the water, though, with her being a close friend and pick her brain on the subject.

Also, well done for finding the motivation, and that it's paid off. Amazing! 🥰
Don't let anyone dim your sparkle. ✨

I have known people I don’t see very often lose 2-4 stone and I’ve not been able to tell. If I saw them more often, like you may do with your friend, it might take me even longer to notice.

I lost weight a few years ago and went out with friends at the point where I had lost 2 stones. Nobody made much of a deal of it possibly because I was still wearing my old clothes even though they were getting too big for me and I was a bit disappointed. A year later, when I’d lost 3 stones and was wearing new clothes that fitted, I met up with one who told me she hadn’t recognised me.

Congratulations on your persistence & determination, you have made a considerable difference to your wellbeing & you will carry on to meet your goals.

Maybe your friend is struggling with health, emotional or paractical matters that has lead to her gaining weight? Maybe she cannot find the persistence & determination to undertake the changes she needs to make?

Maybe she has not noticed the change that you have made so far, not everyone is so aware of other people’s body shape & size.

Even if people do speak of weight, body shape, clothes size etc, this does not mean that it is any more than a topic of conversation. So people may talk about this or join in the conversation but give it not another moment’s thought.

I think it's fairly common for the historically 'thin' friend to be hit quite hard if the tables turn.

I honestly don't think it's about you, OP. She's struggling and your successes are making her feel worse about herself.

It's all her problem so don't take it on.

You don't need her applause and recognition, anyway.

Well, you have the situation sussed.

You are losing weight, she is jealous and cannot bring herself to acknowledge it and say well done.

Others have noticed and said so, you are doing well. Why is it so important to you that she does too?

Perhaps give her a bit of time, it's surely not worth falling out over.

Dear OP, this whole "didn't notice" thing is 100% jealousy. Weight loss is one of the most noticeable things, especially for someone who's always been overweight. I've experienced that in the past with my weight loss. I followed a weight loss program which involved weekly meetings where the instructors gave talks about everything we would go through while losing weight, including people getting jealous. And as it turned out, all of the things they said would happen did happen. I had people come to me and say I should stop losing weight, otherwise I'd end up very ugly. And a friend I used to think was my best friend said that everyone in her family thought I had lost too much weight and they were worried. Big lie, as her husband and her daughter had complimented me a week before. What I noticed was that the people who are okay with themselves, no matter their weight, will always compliment you and acknowledge your achievement. The ones who have issues will get jealous, and I've come to realize sometimes these people are the closest to us, which is very frustrating. Do not let it affect you and do not stop working on it, because depending on how ppl react to our weight loss, we sometimes end up questioning our decision to change. My advice: distance yourself from that, mentally and emotionally and celebrate yourself. 😊

Congratulations on your amazing progress! 🥳 this is your ‘friend’’s issue, not yours. Don’t let it tarnish your pride about what is a brilliant achievement. She is clearly very insecure about her own weight and cannot see past that to be happy for your success.

My MIL is the same, after years of commenting on what I’m eating and regularly asking how my weight loss is going, when it was obvious it wasn’t going as well as I wanted - now that I’ve actually lost a significant amount of weight and everyone else has complimented me, she hasn’t said a single word about it.

Also this friend has mentioned in the past on different occasions about my weight gain or if any outfit makes me look 'bigger'.

Very obviously the friend bringing it up.

Not just jealousy .. I work with a large team of women , 4 of whom have been abroad for weight loss surgery - done really well , their choice and 3 looking and feeling really good , 1 struggling to eat and miserable although at target weight

I've been doing IF and making better choices and have lost about 3.5 stone - the majority of the work force have commented and been happy for me but not any of this group .. not once have they acknowledged it even when in group conversations

Absolutely baffles my brain as I and the rest of the team have been really supportive to them and anyone else who's achieved any kind of goal

There. My friend used to do that to me too, saying I look bigger in certain outfits or implying I should lose weight. And when I lost weight she said I was too thin and she was worried about me. Thing is, I was never too thin, but that's another story. It's a good thing you've come to terms with it. Congratulations on finding the determination and discipline to achieve this, OP!

I think she obviously has noticed given your update on how you both used to chat about your weight.

Unless she has said anything nasty then I would cut her some slack if she has otherwise been a good friend.

Your success is maybe making her reflect on her own failure, she probably will be jealous but not in a nasty way.

If she starts trying to sabotage your weight loss and says she preferred you before then that’s a different story - if that happens then deffo distance yourself!

You haven’t actually said anything negative about her behaviour from what I can read.

She doesn’t comment on your weight loss. Has she ever commented on your weight?

To be honest, I actively stay away from people that comment on my weight or body shape, even though those are positive comments (usually). I don’t need/want people in my life that watch my body shape and feel the need to comment. This is elderly auntie behaviour and can stay in the 1990s, thank you very much.

She hasn’t been nasty about your weight loss in any way. Does weight/ shape need to be a big conversation topic in your relationship?

You mentioned she has gained weight. She probably doesn’t want to talk or think about weight as she may find it difficult to come to terms with her changing shape.

If you want weight/ weight loss to be a central topic in your life and relationships then maybe she’s not the friend for you. But why would you want that? Aren’t there literally 1000s of other more interesting things to talk about?

Honestly can’t remember when I had a conversation with a friend or anyone about weight loss/gain, and I would personally never ever congratulate someone on their weight loss as it’s a personal topic and they don’t need my comments/ opinion on it.

I genuinely don’t notice weight loss or gain, I have no idea what size clothes people might wear and will often buy a medium for example as a present when someone is actually an extra large.
I know this cannot be the case here as your friend noticed weight gain, but honestly I would be as the above quote.
The this whole "didn't notice" thing is 100% jealousy. just isn't true for us all. I have a friend who gained 3st and commented how nice I had been not to point it out. I didn't notice. Another friend lost a similar amount and when her DH commented that he now "only had two thirds of the woman he married" in his speech at her 40th, I couldn't understand what he meant!
I thought it might be just me so I'm pleased others on this thread have said the same.

I'm not saying this is the case for your friend but I never ever mention anyone's weight loss or gain as I think it is rude. I would not welcome any comments on my weight bad or good. I don't find conversations about diets etc interesting and I would dread opening the door to that kind of conversation. I feel it's a minefield and so easy to say the wrong thing.

If I complimented someone on weight loss in my eyes it would mean I am saying that they looked bad before. Also if they then regained any weight then how would they feel? I prefer to compliment people on stuff like their clothes or hairstyle that are more within their immediate control as I do genuinely think people can look good or bad at any weight.

Also sometimes weight loss can be for a bad health reason. I recall I commented on a male friends new buzz cut (I said it looked good actually) but it turned out he had cancer and the cut was to disguise chemo related hair loss. I felt a total idiot.

This could be a possibility...I'm a yoyo dieter so my shape has changed over the years ...I always feel really self-conscious when people talk about my weight in a positive or negative light. I just wouldn't do it.

Only you know @Flowerpower101 what your friend is like...jealousy usually doesn't come out of the blue. You would have noticed other signs in her personality e.g talking about others behind their back.

OP, she may be saying “I haven’t really noticed” because she feels that commenting on how much weight you have lost would be akin to saying “Yes, she was really fat before” etc. etc. I do think it’s odd to expect congratulations for losing weight; many people feel uncomfortable making personal remarks about others’ appearance.

I would never congratulate anyone for losing weight, even less tell them they look good now. You don’t know that weight loss has occurred because of serious illness.I hated when I lost a lot of weight. I don’t need to know that you think ‘I look good’ and I don’t need your approval for what I look like now, and that I conform to societies idea of ‘normal’

When some people ingratiated themselves by gushing how good I looked, I was always so aware of those within earshot who carried extra weight. What the hell was all the sycophantic blabbing doing to them? That you are due praise and admiration for being a size 12? That because you are 18-20 You do not deserve approval?

If anyone tells me they have lost weight, I show a genuine interest, but instead of gushing how good they look (because you were a mess before?) I asked them how they have been doing it? Do they feel healthier? Did it take a lot of willpower?

If anyone brought the subject I would change the conversation.

This would spur me on to lose the remaining 2 stone and keep it off.

It’s probably difficult for her to acknowledge due to the role reversal. Ignore the elephant in the room but if you notice her behaviour becoming worse, don’t hesitate to ditch the friendship.

You don't need to say "hey you've lost a load of weight (you were a fat bastard before)" but a pleasant comment along the lines of you're looking great, that outfit/colour really suits you.

All the tall, slim and attractive ones need us short and dumpies to make themselves look better.

If she is a good friend and you really like her and her company, why not ask her to join you in losing the extra weight and tell her you could do with someone to keep you on the straight and narrow. You would lose your last bit more easily and she would be able to make a dent in hers.

Yes she has absolutely noticed, yes there is vanity and jealousy involved. Do not let this sidetrack you. You are feeling better, you are looking better and anyone who cares for you will be very happy for you.
Don't stop being friends with this person, just accept that the role you played in their life was not what you thought it was. She will either give her head a wobble and realise she is behaving negatively or the friendship will peter out.
Don't mention it to her either as she will paint you out to be the bad one and turn it against you.
Many congratulations on the weight loss. Keep it up

Why do you need or want her to notice it?

That's it for me
Why do people need validation about this stuff?
I dislike the whole narrative around women being judged on their weight and appearance and I don't want to be drawn into playing that game
I get that it is a good thing health wise and takes a lot of effort so is a significant achievement but if we were going to talk about it those are the aspects I would rather focus on
If someone got into walking, running or lifting or cooking healthy meals I feel that's something I could legitimately praise and talk about but no I do not join in with 'doesn't x look amazing now she's lost the weight'

It sounds like it's a reminder that she used to always be smaller than you, and she feels she needs to lose weight herself. She's probably thinking, how come she's getting thin and I'm getting fatter? Like she can remove the responsibility. Just don't worry what she does or doesn't say. You're doing it for your health and happiness.

I don't like people commenting on my weight and body so I don't do so with others. It's uncomfortable and unnecessary.
Why does she need to comment on your body?
She's said nothing negative. Just literally hasn't commented on your body.
People assuming she must be jealous and bitter are ridiculous, that may be how they'd feel but not everyone does.