When a family member tells you you're fat...

[GlassofWaterAgai]

Is it just my family, or do other peoples families also periodically tell them they need to lose weight? For the record, I DO need to lose weight (around 3 stone) and I've recently gained another 1/2 stone. No excuses other than I enjoy cooking and eating! But from as young as about 12, I can remember different family members commenting on my weight or being shocked when they hadn't seen me for a while and I was chunkier than last time.

Today, I had another one of those 'talks'. For context, I love this person dearly and they have struggled with their own weight in the past and to be fair, I've been expecting it for a couple of months! It was just along the lines of 'I hate to bring this up...but you need to get this under control. I know how difficult it is...etc etc'.

Of course, I was defensive and upset and basically said, 'do you think I don't know? Of course I do and nothing can be gained from you raising it as an issue'. Relative said, 'ok, it's only because I care'.

And I know they do care, they all do, but I just wonder if other people's families are like this too?

I think over the years, it's given me a bit of a complex...I'm scared to go to family meet ups in case I get comments or someone says 'you're getting just like Aunty X'...Aunty X being the aunt who was morbidly obese.

Anyway, just wondered! Ultimately nothing is gained by these conversations, it just makes me even more self conscious!

Nope. It’s rude, weird and intrusive. Don’t get defensive, just tell them to stop. It’s none of their business. Be direct about it. If they love you as dearly as you love them, they’ll take if on board and shut up.

They're saying it because they care about you and obesity is very bad for your health

I think its rude, it’s not like fat people don’t know they are fat.

Ah yes, it's lovely to be told you are overweight!!! You never forget being told.

I had hoped at least it would help me lose weight but it hasn't.

It's amazing how rude some people can be.

My elderly neighbour did this to me - I cried my eyes out and have not been out the front doing any gardening since !!! Absolutely awful thing to do

That's the thing...it's like they think we don't know! I haven't surveyed a whole lot of overweight people but I would guess that most know they need to shift some pounds. In my case, I weigh myself most days and I find it quite depressing when the scales creep up. The scales can literally determine whether I attend a social function or not...if they're ok, I'm happy, if the weight is not ok, I can fall into a funk and feel horrendous all night and have even been known to make excuses and not go.

I KNOW I'm overweight. Pointing it out does diddly squat.

I agree and also because they may think the OP is sticking her head in the sand a bit.

No excuses other than I enjoy cooking and eating!

Enjoying cooking and eating doesn't make you fat.

I understand it's none of their business OP but if that's the sort of thing you say to them, of course they're going to worry about you rather than thinking 'you've got this' and you'll deal with it when you're ready.

Yes I have several very obese members of family and when the thinner side meet the bigger side it always commented on. Thinner people just don’t understand how you can let yourself get so overweight and unhealthy, well that’s what they tell me.

My ex’s family are like this. They recently sat exSIL down and told her how fat she is. They are also fat. Very fat. It’s unbelievable.

They tried similar with me - albeit they were telling me I was too skinny and did I have an eating disorder?

Some people are just rude arseholes.

I had this talk with my teenage DS. I was worried and wanted to help him get his eating and exercise back on track.

He is my son and a child, though, and I had a responsibility towards him.

I wouldn’t dream of commenting on another adult’s weight.

No one tells people they’re fat ‘because they care’ they say it because they don’t like fat people and want to shame them.

When anyone tries to do this to me I never know what to say as Im raging at how in appropriate it is and all I want to yell is FOTTFSOFOATFOSM.

Hint, unless some one raises their weight with you the only approach is to keep your thoughts to yourself.

Rubbish. Lots of people genuinely love and care for their family members.

I'm sorry if this hasn't been the case for you but please don't tar everyone the same.

I think repeatedly bringing up someone's weight is just nasty and fat shaming. It's not like overweight people don't know that they're overweight!

If you cared, you would respect their life choice and not try to impose your views on them.

So, you think your family members don’t know they’re fat? That you pointing it out to them is helpful in some way? If you don’t believe that pointing it out will help, then you’re not doing it out of love. If you do believe that pointing it out will help, do please explain how.

Ugh, my aunt and DGM do this. My weight has fluctuated a bunch in the last few years because of a crazy work situation and then having 3 DCs very close together. I was never above a size 14, but I was chunkier than they would like. EVERY TIME I SEE THEM there’s some sort of judgement. Even if it’s a “compliment” it feels really back handed and awkward. “Ohhh the weight is really starting to come off”, “Look at that waist, much better”, “have you lost weight since last time I saw you?” HOW ABOUT “HELLO, DEAR???” 🤬

How is other people’s weight any of your business?

A different perspective.

I didn't raise the issue of weight with my sister because whenever it came up she got very upset. I didn't want to damage our relationship by having difficult conversations. I was desperately, desperately, worried about her health as she put on more and more weight.

Then she died. Suddenly. At the age of 30. Due to her obesity, with no underlying health conditions. One minute we were messaging each other as usual, and two hours after our last message she was dead.

I now cannot live with the guilt of not properly discussing her weight with her, never pushing her to get help, never helping her tackle her weight. If I could turn the clock back I would do anything - anything - to save her life.

So yes, sometimes families do care but don't know how to help. Obesity isn't a joke; it kills. My sister (happy, active, vivacious, loving life at a size 22) just never thought it would happen to her, as I suspect people on this thread don't think it would happen to them.

If she needs to lose 3 stone she’s hardly morbidly obese. If she was pushing 20 stone I might agree it’s out of concern but they’re probably just toxic and not nice people.

Who hurt you? :(

No they don't. They are genuinely worried that being so overweight will affect your health. Because it will.

I am so so sorry this happened to you. However, most overweight people aren’t going to suddenly die at 30. And entirely sure what you think you could have done to help your sister. She knew she was overweight, what do you think you could have said or done that would have made a difference?

If you cared, you would respect their life choice and not try to impose your views on them.

Nah I'm not buying that.

My nephew started smoking a couple of years ago and we all told him exactly what we thought of that unhealthy life choice.

His mum sat him down, had a chat and most importantly offered help and support with quitting.

But I suppose the 'It's none of your business' brigade would've just turned a blind eye and not given a shit about his health.