When a family member tells you you're fat...

[GlassofWaterAgai]

Is it just my family, or do other peoples families also periodically tell them they need to lose weight? For the record, I DO need to lose weight (around 3 stone) and I've recently gained another 1/2 stone. No excuses other than I enjoy cooking and eating! But from as young as about 12, I can remember different family members commenting on my weight or being shocked when they hadn't seen me for a while and I was chunkier than last time.

Today, I had another one of those 'talks'. For context, I love this person dearly and they have struggled with their own weight in the past and to be fair, I've been expecting it for a couple of months! It was just along the lines of 'I hate to bring this up...but you need to get this under control. I know how difficult it is...etc etc'.

Of course, I was defensive and upset and basically said, 'do you think I don't know? Of course I do and nothing can be gained from you raising it as an issue'. Relative said, 'ok, it's only because I care'.

And I know they do care, they all do, but I just wonder if other people's families are like this too?

I think over the years, it's given me a bit of a complex...I'm scared to go to family meet ups in case I get comments or someone says 'you're getting just like Aunty X'...Aunty X being the aunt who was morbidly obese.

Anyway, just wondered! Ultimately nothing is gained by these conversations, it just makes me even more self conscious!

Ridiculous behaviour! It's the same in our family and I absolutely hate it. Don't have a solution, but I almost didn't go to a recent family event, because of it. Doesn't help that half my family is naturally really slim.

Rubbish. Lots of people genuinely love and care for their family members.

I'm sorry if this hasn't been the case for you but please don't tar everyone the same.

But it doesn't help. And it will make an emotional eater eat more. So it's not love it's sabotage. Stop hurting your friends and family.

That's awful op. It's nobody's business. I've been morbidly obese in the past,I knew I was,didn't need anyone telling me. Tell them to piss of and mind their own business.

I grew up with a mum endlessly telling me I was fat and, when I’d point out in the medical book that I was actually a healthy weight, she’d tell me I should be aiming for underweight 🤷‍♀️ This carried on until I was in my early 20s at which point I told her to fuck off.

(Ironically I am now a bit overweight, many years on, and she hasn’t said a word 💪)

In your shoes, I’d say v clearly that you’re aware of your weight and that you find the comments actively unhelpful.

My mum said to me about my weight. She was right and it was the kick I needed. I’m now 4st 2lbs down with 10 lbs left to target. I’m glad she said something. Not only do I look so much better but I’m so much healthier and happier

Fat people know they are fat, especially very fat people. What good does just telling them they are fat do?
If you want to help someone research what can help. Is it an eating disorder? Are they unhappy and eating too much because they are unhappy?
Tackling the reasons for overeating is the key.

I've been the fat family member. Obese as a child, 16 stone in mid 20s.

I am now an HCP who deals in dietary and nutrition advice and I am in a healthy BMI.

Nothing felt as good as the day, after not seeing family for a long time, I strolled in and the family members who always crossed my weight were shellshocked, one quote I'll never forget 'oh my god you're like a supermodel now!'

For context, that was from my (now ex)MiL so it was even sweeter

I am sorry for your loss.
But nobody dies at 30 purely because they are fat

They do. My sister did. And I have the coroner's report which clearly states she died due to morbid obesity.

I can't quite believe you would come on here to argue with bereaved family about how their loved one died.

But at the same time I can, because I didn't really realise that "morbid obesity" genuinely meant "so overweight you might actually die" either. I don't think most people do.

Love this! So you understand how difficult it can be. I'm determined to be that person. Please share how you did it.

OP is nowhere near morbidly obese though.

Abusing food should really not be some taboo subject.

This is an incredibly simplified way of looking at being overweight. Fat does not automatically equal 'abusing food'

OP is nowhere near morbidly obese though

Ah well that's fine then, crack on.

Honestly wish I hadn't bothered posting. It's all still a bit too raw and probably always will be. But I sincerely hope your families never have to go through what mine has.

I wouldn't mention her weight to her because she would absolutely lose it. She lost a job 3 years ago because someone in the office mentioned her weight and she punched them. She has not worked since and gained another 2 stone.

There are MH issues at play here, that behaviour isn't normal. In general, is fatties are WELL aware of that fact that we're fat, thanks.

I don't think that's true at all. If you love someone , you don't want them to die. Granted, some people are rude in their approach, but I'd be worried sick if one of my children was obese.

I don't think that's true at all. If you love someone , you don't want them to die.

And get there are so many fat people walking around, very much alive. There are even - shock - fat OLD people.

It really pisses me off that anyone would comment on anyone else’s weight.

I had the opposite, forever telling me to eat, I look dreadful etc. Inside I was screaming, ‘fuck off, I have 3 kids, 2 of which are twins, stressful job, and never ever stop having to clean up after everyone, laundry, cooking, cleaning’.

Why anyone would feel so perfect to make a comment is beyond me.

These days if anyone mentions my weight, I immediately turn it around on them. ‘Have you lost weight, you look a bit gaunt’. ‘No, actually put a stone back on, how is your diet going?’

It's definitely rude to comment on someone's weight. Especially if it's done on more than one occasion. They haven't forgotten since last time it was brought up. Next time tell them, in a concerned manner, that they are looking a bit grey/gaunt/tired and are they getting enough vitamins? Petty but it might put them off commenting on your weight in future

My mother said that to me recently just as I was leaving after a duty call I hadn’t enjoyed at all. I was feeling particularly down that day and the last thing I wanted to do was go and see her.
I went away feeling ‘well, obviously that’s all people think when they see me.’
I have the same amount to lose as you OP and it really upsets me. I’ve just struggled to find a way to lose weight that works for me and have had a lot to deal with .
I do a hobby which involves playing a sport outdoors. I really enjoy it and seeing the people there. I didn’t go for weeks after that comment and still feel self conscious when I do go . It has made me even more self conscious.
Needless to say I havent paid any more duty calls to my mother since either.

Fat people know they are fat.

I honestly think it's only seen as rude or taboo to discuss weight in this country! I have friends and family all over the world and it's perfectly normal for people to tell each other they're getting fat. My boss is Greek and every time she sees her mother she'll get a telling off if she's put on weight. My in-laws are Indian and we can NEVER meet without their being a discussion avout who's put on or lost weight. My aunt is from the Philippines and will always point out someone's growing belly and tell them to eat less. I'm British so I do feel uncomfortable if someone mentions my weight. I'm not overweight but still don't like talking about my body. However I do wonder if the fact that no one mentions weight in this country contributes to our continued obesity problem. Overweight people are repeatedly told they're gorgeous, just curvy etc. It's socially acceptable to be overweight here. My foreign friends and family are greeted with disapproval when they get fat. It's not pleasant (!) but I genuinely believe it helps them keep their weight in check.

Unless everyone in Greece, India and the Philippines are all thin, I don't understand the relevance of this post.

What does telling people they're fat achieve in tanks countries?

I'm from a Caribbean island where people think it's ok to tell others they are fat. Guess what? They still continue to be fat regardless.

Those* counties

@Wutheringmoors

Your sister wouldn't have lost weight if you had said something. She knew she was fat. Fat people aren't stupid. That's not why they're obese.

If you had said something she'd have still died but your last memory would be of hurting her. Or angering her.

Read this and think about the numbers. Morbidly obese people don't lose weight and keep it off without surgery.

www.healthline.com/health-news/obese-people-have-slim-chance-of-obtaining-normal-body-weight-071615

Of course there are plenty of overweight people in Greece, India, The Philippines and all the other countries where weight is openly discussed. Nearly everywhere has a problem with obesity at the moment. However I really don't think there are as many overweight people in these countries as there are in the UK, USA etc and I think there are more VERY overweight people here. Of course there are many reasons for this. It's a hugely complex issue. I just wonder if it's more socially acceptable here and less talked about because no one wants to cause offence. I suspect this might contribute to our obesity problem. Just an idea.

It's probably the shaming keeping people thin and not the vastly different diet.