When a family member tells you you're fat...

[GlassofWaterAgai]

Is it just my family, or do other peoples families also periodically tell them they need to lose weight? For the record, I DO need to lose weight (around 3 stone) and I've recently gained another 1/2 stone. No excuses other than I enjoy cooking and eating! But from as young as about 12, I can remember different family members commenting on my weight or being shocked when they hadn't seen me for a while and I was chunkier than last time.

Today, I had another one of those 'talks'. For context, I love this person dearly and they have struggled with their own weight in the past and to be fair, I've been expecting it for a couple of months! It was just along the lines of 'I hate to bring this up...but you need to get this under control. I know how difficult it is...etc etc'.

Of course, I was defensive and upset and basically said, 'do you think I don't know? Of course I do and nothing can be gained from you raising it as an issue'. Relative said, 'ok, it's only because I care'.

And I know they do care, they all do, but I just wonder if other people's families are like this too?

I think over the years, it's given me a bit of a complex...I'm scared to go to family meet ups in case I get comments or someone says 'you're getting just like Aunty X'...Aunty X being the aunt who was morbidly obese.

Anyway, just wondered! Ultimately nothing is gained by these conversations, it just makes me even more self conscious!

For the fear of being rude and intrusive we see so many young obese kids in the street , you’re obliviously not happy with your weight so do something about it before it’s too late . I will always tell my family members if they put on weight massively and I expect them to do the same with me . If you need to lose around 20kg you’re not a little bit over your ideal weight , you’re obese so stop making excuses. Things like this when it’s coming from family it’s caring not criticising so take it like it is

OP listen up! A random person on the internet has told you to do something about it! Please report back on this life changing advice and how it's changed you into a new person!

Oh god, if its a close loved one its not rude. And its no different than nagging aomeone to stop smoking, or drinking. Or generally not looking after themselves.

Im overweight. I know. And if a member of my family took me to one side i might be upset, abgry, embarrassed but i would know they did it from a good place.

She died knowing that you loved her and wasn't judging her choices or rejecting her appearance.

Had you brought it up with her, it's very unlikely it would have made any difference other than her dying thinking that you were more interested in criticising her appearance and lifestyle than her personality.

You did nothing wrong. You loved her and you didn't want to hurt her, which confronting her could well have done.

The issue for me is not the fact that someone's weight has been mentioned, it's the way it gets mentioned. There are ways to do it and there are ways not to.

"You are very fat and need to lose weight" v "Is everything ok, I noticed you've put on a bit of weight" is quite different.

i don't know of any obese people who like hearing that they should loose weight. they don't like hearing it from health care providers, family or friends.
i believe those that mention it mention it because they hope they will be the one to start the process towards better health. obesity is unhealthy.
avoiding the discussion doesn't help the situation and if everyone avoids the proverbial elephant in the room then countless opportunities for helping the person have been lost. i think open discussion on all levels is important no different than discussion on homelessness crime smoking drug alcohol or finances.
some discussions are hard but that doesn't mean they shouldn't happen.

@fallfallfall People do not like it, because saying someone needs to lose weight is a waste of time and shitty. It treats the person as stupid. They know they need to lose weight.
It is like saying to people - you need to stop smoking, it is bad for your health. Incredibly patronising. I would never say this to my close friend who smokes. She knows it is bad for her. She has tried to give up multiple times. The only way I would say anything is if there was some new thing that she may not have heard of that could help her.

Nobody does of obesity in their thirties. It may be on their death certificate as a contributory factor, but it will not be the main cause.

@antelopevalley , but do you know they know or assume they know? because without having the conversation they may not realize they have crossed the line and are now looking fat vs chubby vs big boned vs curvy. do you tell your friends wearing the dress that clings in all the wrong places the truth or say wow you look great or not?
i don't think avoiding hard conversations helps in the long run.

@fallfallfall I have never known any fat woman who does not know they are fat.
I have known fat children whose parents do not realise they are fat.
You appear to think fat people are a but dim.

It may be true that they care about you but it's also true that most people are vile to fat people.

Lose the weight for yourself, on your terms and timescales, and if they carry on making you feel shit stay away from them.

Nobody needs family like that.

Good lord, comments can get scary can’t they.
I’m so sorry your family member made you feel so cross; I always thought it was just my family, too so it’s nice to know we’re not alone, eh!

I just wanted to say well done for acknowledging you responded defensively and understanding why you did that. It’s rare to accept when you haven’t been your best you and there’s nothing better than hindsight to imagine all the ways it could’ve been handled!
I don’t know if you need advice right now or if you just need someone to say “yeah I’d be cross too” (I would be, and have been!) but just wanted to comment to show a little compassion and hope that today you’ve found a little relief on the matter. Whether you’re actively working on losing weight, not ready to yet or just still trying to bridge the gap in conversation with one of your nearest and dearest - you’re doing a good job just from being self aware and able to communicate in any degree, some people can’t manage as much :) hope all is okay x

What they think is none of your business!! They should stfu

I'm a size 12 and considered the fat one in my family. I'm not classed as overweight for my height but I've had my DM making comments to me about losing weight. I wasn't intending on losing weight but when I gave her a dress that didn't fit me she says "if you lose weight it'll fit again". She knows I'm not actively trying to lose weight and I'm not bothered. She doesn't like me being "fat" though as I'm not perfect on her eyes. She asks me every time I see her if I've lost weight yet and how my diet is going. She knows I'm not on a diet. She's just got a problem with fat people.

I have a family member who every time we speak asks me if I have been going to the gym and if I've been losing any weight, just as casual conversation topics.

It's annoying, but she would probably ask whatever my actual weight/ BMI was. She is just one of those people who obsesses about that kind of thing. I find it quite rude/ thoughtless.

But the way your family member did it, sounds quite self aware ('I hate to bring it up but....' etc) . It sounds like they were trying to be careful/ sensitive about the way they phrased it, and maybe it did come from a good place?

I dunno - you know them and how they are with you generally. Do you think it came from a caring place or a judgemental place?

When you've worked that out, if you have a generally good relationship, maybe you could have a chat with them about how it made you feel? It's horrible to be steaming away to yourself about something like this. Could be best just to let it out and tell them that it hurt you, even if they were trying to be sensitive, that you know you are overweight etc.

Of course you are then still left with the underlying issue of whether to do something about it? It's all a bit of a minefield. I can understand it from your perspective but also that of your family member who cares about you.

There is literally a post just above this of someone saying their family member died in their thirties and morbid obesity was the cause.

You are being pedantic to say it's only a 'contributory factor'. If someone has a heart attack as the main cause and morbid obesity as a 'contributory factor', are you really saying obesity didn't cause their death? Don't be ridiculous.

You say that you know you are overweight, you know you need to do something about it, but you've stopped going to family events because you're scared someone is going to say something.

Why?

They are only telling you something you already know, so what is there to be scared of? Either you are happy with your size the way you are or it's making you embarrassed and unhappy even in front of those you can trust, so why wouldn't you get on with sorting it out?

You know they are doing it out of love and care, they are trying to encourage you to do something before it gets worse or harms you. It would be unacceptable from a stranger but they are family and love you.

To me it's the same as expressing concern about a loved one out of work, drinking too much, smoking, drinking Monster by the gallon etc

@Wutheringmoors I’m really sorry to read about your sister. And I’m sorry that posters are being twats.

I was always really underweight and knew I was. People liked to point it out to me daily. Never in a nice way.
When I became a healthy weight I got called fat by a family member. You honestly can’t win.

I have 2 family members who are fat (one morbidly) and would never say anything to them as I wouldn’t want to hurt them but it’s so hard as one now has a condition meaning they had to stop working, can no longer walk her dog far, has had to change lifestyle and yet know and has said if she lost weight (albeit a few stone and having had to lose similar I know the struggle) her life could be so much better. I have to just listen and agree. The other can no longer walk her dog, play with her child, has issues with her legs & feet, job in jeopardy. It’s so hard not to say something but because I care I don’t want to hurt feelings but I don’t want them to have this life that I know they want to change.

I’m really sorry to read about your sister. And I’m sorry that posters are being twats

Thanks Tabitha, that's really kind.

And I'm sorry people have commented on your weight so much too. I think you're right - you can't win!

Not gonna finish reading this because it's full of fat shamers. Horrible. They don't even realise thr damage it causes psychologically to confidence and self esteem to be spoken to like that. I an still remember every instance as a kid being called fat by family members. Judgmental, nosy fuckers.

People, IT DOESNT HELP OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE FOR YOU TO PASS HOLIER THAN THOU COMMENTS.

I thought most people know they're overweight, so better not to comment,

Surprisingly, lower down on the link @MustardIsTheOnlyCondiment shared there's research showing less than 10% of obese people know they're overweight.

I think any comment is better coming from a health professional or gently from someone close rather than these snippy comments from random relatives.

www.healthline.com/health-news/5-ways-to-tell-you-are-overweight#5-ways-to-know-if-youre-overweight

If you’re close to a person and care about them, there may not be any harm in telling them you’ve noticed an unhealthy habit -
lack of exercise, overeating at odd times or whatever. Nobody needs to tell another person they’re fat, any more than you need to comment on any aspect of their appearance. It doesn’t really matter whether they know already or not. It’s personal and isn’t going to help.

Lots of interesting responses to this! Ultimately for me, if someone comments on my weight, it achieves very little. It makes me feel worthless and stupid and even more self-conscious than I already do.

For me, weight is linked to my self worth and if I'm heavy, I feel worthless but it's a rubbish cycle because the more I feel worthless, the more I want to comfort eat. If someone comments on my weight, what I 'hear' is them saying that I'm awful, a failure etc etc.

As for the PP who asked why am I not doing something, not that it's any of your business, but I am. I have lost 2 stone but after a sudden bereavement, am struggling to get back on track.

Ultimately, I am very, very aware of my weight issues but having it pointed out, does more harm than good.