When a family member tells you you're fat...

[GlassofWaterAgai]

Is it just my family, or do other peoples families also periodically tell them they need to lose weight? For the record, I DO need to lose weight (around 3 stone) and I've recently gained another 1/2 stone. No excuses other than I enjoy cooking and eating! But from as young as about 12, I can remember different family members commenting on my weight or being shocked when they hadn't seen me for a while and I was chunkier than last time.

Today, I had another one of those 'talks'. For context, I love this person dearly and they have struggled with their own weight in the past and to be fair, I've been expecting it for a couple of months! It was just along the lines of 'I hate to bring this up...but you need to get this under control. I know how difficult it is...etc etc'.

Of course, I was defensive and upset and basically said, 'do you think I don't know? Of course I do and nothing can be gained from you raising it as an issue'. Relative said, 'ok, it's only because I care'.

And I know they do care, they all do, but I just wonder if other people's families are like this too?

I think over the years, it's given me a bit of a complex...I'm scared to go to family meet ups in case I get comments or someone says 'you're getting just like Aunty X'...Aunty X being the aunt who was morbidly obese.

Anyway, just wondered! Ultimately nothing is gained by these conversations, it just makes me even more self conscious!

So often the 'helpful' advice comes at the wrong time/in the wrong place and probably from the wrong person.

You are at a family event in your best clothes. Maybe a little nervous because you haven't seen extended family in a while.

Then some family member loudly announces that you are fat.

What do you do with that information? Especially when that comment has been made in front of other people. Inevitably it goes quiet as people wait to see your response.

However you respond will be wrong.

You are fat, you know you are fat. Everyone in the room knows you are fat. It's not like it is easy to hide.

So no, I don't think the comments necessarily come from a place of love.

@crowdedout

Oh god, if its a close loved one its not rude. And its no different than nagging aomeone to stop smoking, or drinking. Or generally not looking after themselves.

Im overweight. I know. And if a member of my family took me to one side i might be upset, abgry, embarrassed but i would know they did it from a good place.*

But what would be the point? You know you're fat. You admit it would make you angry and embarrassed. Are you just waiting for a stranger to tell you that you're fat before losing weight, or have you actually proved the point that it wouldn't help? Just upset the person?

And if so why do it?

@MustardIsTheOnlyCondiment i don't agree at all. I might know im overweight but maybe someone else might see that im slipping into a cycle of unhealthy eating and gaining. Maybe i havent seen that. Maybe i think everyone finishes the pack of biscuits. In the same way that someone might not see that 2glasses of wne a night is not healthy. Maybe i overeat not becuase im hungry but becuase of other things going on. And maybe my loved ones are being supportive. All depends on the delivery i guess.

It's really just good manners not to comment on anyone's appearance. It's rude. That's why we have the voice inside our head, and the voice that comes out of our mouth and we as adults need to know the difference and teach our kids the same.

We don't say,

Hello Bob, you have put some weight on haven't you? You should be careful you don't drop down dead from that.

Hi Mum, those lines round your eyes are really getting deep, you should really try not to be so stressed, you're not helping yourself.

Dad, your eye bags are horrendous, you look absolutely knackered, you should really do something about that life long insomnia.

It's quite easy once you get the hang of it. And all that about being "worried for your health" is just nonsense. Fat bodies aren't public property, they belong to the owner just like any other body.

So true! Along with 'That dress/colour/hairstyle really doesn't suit you'

Always delivered at the point where you can do nothing about it so you are stuck feeling awkward and uncomfortable for the rest of the time you are at the event.

I often think this sort of thing, when coming from mothers, can be a sign of the mother's failure to fully separate mentally from the daughter, so she sees commenting on the daughter's weight as rather like having a view on her own weight.