When a family member tells you you're fat...

[GlassofWaterAgai]

Is it just my family, or do other peoples families also periodically tell them they need to lose weight? For the record, I DO need to lose weight (around 3 stone) and I've recently gained another 1/2 stone. No excuses other than I enjoy cooking and eating! But from as young as about 12, I can remember different family members commenting on my weight or being shocked when they hadn't seen me for a while and I was chunkier than last time.

Today, I had another one of those 'talks'. For context, I love this person dearly and they have struggled with their own weight in the past and to be fair, I've been expecting it for a couple of months! It was just along the lines of 'I hate to bring this up...but you need to get this under control. I know how difficult it is...etc etc'.

Of course, I was defensive and upset and basically said, 'do you think I don't know? Of course I do and nothing can be gained from you raising it as an issue'. Relative said, 'ok, it's only because I care'.

And I know they do care, they all do, but I just wonder if other people's families are like this too?

I think over the years, it's given me a bit of a complex...I'm scared to go to family meet ups in case I get comments or someone says 'you're getting just like Aunty X'...Aunty X being the aunt who was morbidly obese.

Anyway, just wondered! Ultimately nothing is gained by these conversations, it just makes me even more self conscious!

No one walks up to someone with a broken leg and goes 'I just wanted to point out you've broken your leg'. That's also being concerned about their health as well.

Fat people are told every single day in every area of society they're fat. We've even got random men in white vans shouting it at us when we go for a walk. The irony. We have mirrors and scales. We feel it when we get to the top of the stairs.

Sorry OP. But you are not alone.
My family are notorious for being very blunt and honest... and they will always tell me I'm looking fat and need to loose weight 😂🤣

Actually a lot of overweight people don’t really recognise it. I’ve seen many threads on here, from significantly overweight people who do not believe they are.

for me I’m in two minds, if a loved one was repeatedly overdoing alcohol or whatever it seems it’s ok to say something, but if it’s food someone is behaving in an unhealthy manner with then it’s perceived it must never ever be mentioned and people need to pretend they can’t see it and don’t know there is an issue, anything else is just rude. Many folks even go further with the whole oh you don’t look that heavy, you carry it well , no of course you’re not fat, gosh you don’t look as size 18, nonsense, and the person believes it.

i can see both sides, on one it’s rude to say something on the other I am not sure it’s healthy to make it something that’s forbidden to be mentioned or preferable to lie about

A parent having a conversation with their child (adult or not) to which they are receptive, and offering help and support is one thing. Random relatives ‘telling him exactly what they thought of his unhealthy life choice’ is another. The latter is HIGHLY unlikely to have made him quit. So, yes, you should have minded your own business.

Why not listen to her, she was trying to help after all. You say you know you're overweight, so why not do something about it once and for all? Use this as a turning point to make changes?

You can still cook and enjoy food and still lose weight. I cook from scratch daily, and have recently lost 3 stone.

Being overweight is not just about how you look, but the health implications that come with it.

My family are like this. My sil always comments on my weight because, like her, I fluctuate too. She doesn't mean it in a bad way at all and I feel that she actually connects with me through this.
I used to find it awkward and uncomfortable, but now I just agree with her and we have a conversation about how difficult it is and what could help and so on.
I've also had comments from other family members and I know it's because they care.

No one walks up to someone with a broken leg and goes 'I just wanted to point out you've broken your leg'. That's also being concerned about their health as well.

No but if that person claimed brushing their teeth was causing broken legs, I'm sure family members would put them straight.

The OP is claiming she's overweight because she 'enjoys cooking and eating'.

That's really not why she's overweight.

I have family members like this. I’m a size 10 now but at my biggest was a size 12 at 5ft 6 so not overweight. This family member was just a dysfunctional person that no one really liked. Some people are just toxic OP. If you were morbidly obese then I’m sure it’s for your health but I’m pretty sure drinking/smoking is worse for your health than being slightly overweight and I doubt they give a shit about people who do this.

A parent having a conversation with their child (adult or not) to which they are receptive, and offering help and support is one thing. Random relatives ‘telling him exactly what they thought of his unhealthy life choice’ is another. The latter is HIGHLY unlikely to have made him quit. So, yes, you should have minded your own business.

And yet he quit and said he was very grateful we talked sense into him.

But I suppose you know him better than he does 😂

Exactly this

If you think he quit because you ‘told him what you thought of his unhealthy life choice’, as opposed to the actual support from his mother, then you are clearly only loosely acquainted with reality. I’m sure that’s pleasant.

My Nan would do this. I eventually had enough and sarcastically replied "really?! You don't say! Now you have told me and made me feel shit about myself, I'm sure that'll help me lose the weight!"
Can't say it helped. I was just labelled the rude one then, for being sarky.

He told me he quit because of us all talking sense into him.

Particularly my husband as he's his favourite uncle and he's always listened to him.

But again, you know better 😂

But a lot of them don’t. I’ve seen so many threads on here from folks arguing they are not. I recall a size eighteen woman arguing she was not over weight she was one size above average. The pics showed an obese woman. I recall another complaining of what were healthy weight models looking anorexic

someone has just posted the op is “slightly overweight” she’s not, she’s 3.5 stones over weight which likely takes her to obese.

yes the op knows, but a concerned family member discussed it, it impacts her health. Just as someone abusing alcohol or cigarettes. Abusing food should really not be some taboo subject.

Indeed. If you came across anything like you’re coming across here, then I’m sure he did. Doesn’t impact on my previous comments.

Ah I'm so sorry that happened to you. Both of you really.
She must really care about you and although it must have been depressing to hear, it was probably just as bad for her to be so concerned that she had to bring it up.
She did it knowing how much it would hurt you and possibly affect your friendship..but you obviously mean so much to her she feels she has to say something.
Honestly I really do feel for you and can not imagine how I'd react if I had a weight problem, but I know Id love to have such a great friend. Nobody apart from my husband and children would even notice if I died (Awww)
I hope you both sort it out and that you get your weight under control.. I am struggling with relapsing back onto nicotine and have no stamina

My mum does this. Yes I’ve put on weight, yes I know I have and I’m trying to lose it. I do not know why people comment on it as though you’re completely oblivious :(

I agree with a poster above that some people are totally unaware of how fat they actually are. I have a sister who calls herself "curvy", she is, in fact morbidly obese. She doesn't think she is, she is big boned, thyroid probs (she doesn't), I come from a long line of curvy women (my Mum is a size 14), I am stocky, metabolism problems yada yada yada but not obese...CURVY. She eats huge amounts of food, does no exercise, struggles to go upstairs, has issues with her knees, sweats profusely and would be the first to comment on another lady who was fat but she is always "just curvy".

I wouldn't mention her weight to her because she would absolutely lose it. She lost a job 3 years ago because someone in the office mentioned her weight and she punched them. She has not worked since and gained another 2 stone.

Yet she is no bloody clue she is obese.

This is a tricky one. On the one hand, obesity is a killer. That's a simple fact. If you're very overweight, you are prone to a LOT of awful diseases that you would be far less at risk of if you weren't overweight. It IS concerning when someone you love becomes very overweight, for this reason.

There's also the issue that the more overweight you become, the harder it is to get it under control. So family members might want to say something because they're genuinely concerned for your health and they love you.

On the other hand, it's very hurtful and painful to be told that you're fat. I'm really on the fence about whether close family members should stay entirely silent. If my DH was getting very overweight I'd say something, gently and with love because I love him and would rather have one uncomfortable conversation then risk him getting even more overweight and very unwell. Although if I was getting very fat, I'd not be happy to be told it! So I can see both sides.

Ultimately it depends if you really do believe it comes from a place of love, I suppose.

I am sorry for your loss.
But nobody dies at 30 purely because they are fat.

@VyeBrator ok how many times have you ask someone “how do you feel about your weight?” Then really listened to their response?

Sorry @Cherchezlaspice meant to quote @VyeBrator.

I think everyone knows when they are overweight it’s not rocket science, I don’t think anyone should be telling anyone they should lose weight, I was overweight and I decided to lose weight when I was actually ready to, losing weight is not easy but changing your lifestyle will make a massive difference to your health

I agree with @VyeBrator @Mojoj and @Swimmingpoolsally

3 and 1/2 stone overweight isn't "needing to loose a few pounds".

I'm not commenting on the OP but many people don't recognise just how overweight they are, and don't accept how unhealthy it is to be so overweight. It isn't about what you look like, it is about the effect on all aspects of your health.
Yes, people who love you and care about you should try to help when they see people they love digging themselves an early grave - as a pp said, in the same way that your loved one were drinking heavily or using drugs or smoking etc.

No worries. I thought as much. 😊