Does anyone genuinely believe their weight is not caused by overeating

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My dd (13) is overweight, and not just a little bit. I have three girls, and my 9-yr old and 15-yr old are both slim. It is actually breaking my heart. sorry I know that sounds dramatic but I feels so helpless and so sad for my middle dd who is teased at school, has a permanent chafing rash on her thighs and can't wear the pretty clothes her sister wear. This Christmas she didn't want her picture taken next to them and I know I have to do something

She is a completely different shape to the others, very thick set. I can see just by looking at her that there is no possible way that she would ever have the slim shape they have. I know how hard that must be for her and try and focus on how talented and beautiful she is in many ways.

Coming back to my thread title, I know that logically she is eating enough to maintain her weight but it just baffles me why she is so much bigger. They all have the same breakfast and dinner. They do have treats at the weekend but these are equally shared. I did mfp for a while and she averaged 1800 a day so I possibly need to get this lower. But I know if I did it for her older sister it would be the same, maybe she's just lucky

Also my friends talk about what their teenagers eat and what it costs and sounds like so, so much, why aren't their kids overweight? Is it possible that some people don't burn off calories as efficiently, even though we're always being told it should be a simple matter of eat less move more? Ive been trying to help her lose weight for years, now I know I need to do it. Can anyone who has experienced this advise?

Sorry for rambling

You've mentioned about her upper arms and thighs being big. What sort of shape is she? Have you read up on Lipoedema?
www.nhs.uk/conditions/lipoedema/

Did you ever see that program with the lovely doctor? There was a boy who lost weight because they found something not digesting in his gut
I'll look it up

It was Rangan Chatterjee- doctor in the house.
I do think sometimes there are other reasons, rare, but possible

In terms of weight alone, I definitely believe there is a genetic connection.
All 3 of my dc have always been heavy. From toddlers when you lifted them up for any reason, they were twice the weight of their similar aged cousins. Even now, my middle dc (who is a keen sportswoman whilst at university - training 4x a week, plus matches) and who is quite small (short) and definitely in proportion, weighs about 3 stone more than I did at her age. [They all have dh's genes, IMO]. However none of my dc are fat, let alone obese. None of them are carrying fat at all They are all physically active (dc 2 the most) and don't look fat and aren't unfit. They definitely have some kind of 'density' to them. I came across it before with a colleague - skinny as a rake but weighing about 4 stone more than you would have 'guestimated' to look at her.
However it doesn't seem that this is about just what the scales say. You have said how large your dd is, which seems to match the 'obese' description given by the nurse. So I agree with all the other posters who are saying that perhaps you need to get her to accept that she seems to hold on to every calorie she consumes, and, once accepted that, make a plan to deal with it. She needs to be moving more. You can't really count a school PE lesson in terms of exercise - there just ins't the time to build up any calorie shifting by the time the whole class have got to lesson, and got changed and allowed changing back time at the end, and listening to instruction time / working on skills etc. So a stroll to school of under a mile isn't enough to raise a heart rate.
It is difficult, and I understand your trying to balnace building her self esteem and not making an issue out of it, but I think the time has come to face it full on now.

Thanks so much for all the replies, I've just read every one and it's so helpful and interesting reading everyone's different experiences. I've also read through all the links to the sciencey stuff and do think there are other things that may explain why overeating isn't the only factor. But as the eating/exercise is the bit we can do something about, that's what we're going to focus on in the new year.

@MrsGrindah and the other posters who shared their own stories and those of their kids, thank you so much for making me feel less alone in this.

I won't be taking a slimming world or similar approach just now but will continue to cook healthy, from scratch but dish up onto plates as suggested and be more mindful of portion sizes. Also going to incorporate more exercise into all their lives!

I don't post often but I'll try and update in a few months if I have anything helpful to share. Hopefully the advice will translate into an actual change for the better.

but will continue to cook healthy, from scratch but dish up onto plates as suggested and be more mindful of portion sizes.

If you don't have one already, buy a small digital kitchen scale. I have an Ozeri that's fab and they're not expensive. Don't guess at portion sizes, actually weight and measure them, and use an app like myfitnesspal or loseit to calculate the calories. They're both free. And you have to count everything, right down to the milk in her tea.

Good luck.

Would she consider trying rugby? Really good for body confidence. DD has been playing for years with all different shapes and sizes of girls and they all have a really good attitude to their bodies. I've never heard any of them comment on anyone else's shape or size.

Are you sure she is not eating on the way to school? I see so many kids in the morning eating large bags of sweets family sized bags of crisps, 100g bars of chocolate on their way to school. One of them is my friend's son and she had no idea he was eating anything then. Turned out one of his friends was spending a couple of pounds a day getting something for each of them.

It's a real shame your girls aren't into sport. I know myself I dropped all sport when I went to high school and that's the problem for lots of girls I think. I have a young daughter who currently does gymnastics, swimming and football weekly on top of walking to/from school and PE and hope she continues.

At 5'1 1800 calories could be far too much. I'm also short and would be very overweight eating at that range for several years. I know we think of teenagers having high metabolisms but not all do, that coupled with lack of exercise and short stature will be where the trouble lies. I was the same as a teenager - it was only when I considerably reduced my calories that I settled at a size 8.

I really feel for you - you are in an impossible situation. I don't even know how you could tackle this without upsetting your daughter. With regards her comment about the gym - I go to one of the main chain gyms and I frequently see teenage girls and their mums there together (the teenage girls are all shapes and sizes - some like whippets and others overweight) so I'm surprised she thought that. I also visit a local council gym and again find lots of teenagers there. I thought it has become a real trend now for teen girls to go the gym on the back of all the Instagram fitness accounts?

I think some people need less calories than others. I’m very active and supposedly could eat over 2000 calories just to maintain. This just is not the case. I did that for a couple of months and just piled weight on - over a stone in that time. It’s so unfair but it’s just how it is for some people. I’m in my forties and walk at least 8 km a day but would pile on if I ate 1800 calories a day.

The number of calories you need to maintain your current weight is your basal metabolic rate (BMR) and is determined by your current weight, sex and age. It's easily calculated.

BMR Calculator

Unusual activity, like walking 8 km per day, would be added on top of your resting BMR.

I was slim until I had a tumour removed from my thyroid. I put 3 1/2 stone in the next 6 months and then had the second half of the thyroid removed. I managed to lose a stone and maintained that weight for a long time, then they fucked with my meds and the upward trend has been weight gain. Not huge, but every now and then when my levels are bad. I do like chocolate and ice cream and can go through phases where I eat quite a bit of them, but my weight is stable until my thyroid is not good.

Oh and 'build' has been dismissed, as many people who are 'big boned' actually slim down to tiny sizes. As they say, nobody is big boned enough to need a larger coffin, it is our denial of obesity which causes us to look for other factors

I can't see how build can be dismissed. At a size 12 I look skinny - I'm a perfectly healthy weight but broad shouldered, long legged and with very prominent collar bones and at that size I look a bit drawn and gaunt and get asked if I'm ill. By size 10 and 8 I really don't look good. My build allows me to carry weight quite well before people would realise I'm overweight.I also don't need any weights when SCUBA diving, which apparently means my bones must be dense. These things must have an impact when judging things like BMI.

My friend is the same height but with the daintiest, slimmest build. At size 8 she can look quite chubby.

I do sympathise op but would say a medical reason for obesity is rare. You don't get fat people in times of famine.

If the amount of energy in (food) exceeds energy out (energy required) the excess is stored as fat. People come up with all sorts of reasons to explain why they are fat, but at the end of the day it all comes down to how much you eat and how much you move.

By all means get her health checked. But the problem is most likely to be eating too much and/Or moving too little.

Which is not very helpful given what you say about your dd. She doesn't sound keen on exercise.

I am 5'0 and my maintenance calories are very low. Of course that is different for teens.

Mine is about 1400 a day if I am sedentary. For a teenager it is higher though, but it does show you how low it can be.

This not scientifically based, but it seems to me that some people are more susceptible to sugars in their diet

It is very much scientifically based. People have very different insulin sensitivity, so two people may be eating the same piece of cake, person one will remain stick thin and person two will put on a pound as a result of that treat.

Hormones and other indicators have been scientifically monitored in laboratory settings. There’s graphs and charts to show how people’s metabolism differs and how vastly their insulin response differs.

It can be anything OP. Thyroid issues can cause undesired weight gain, steroid treatments, high baseline insulin, insulin resistance, PCOS etc etc Unfortunately, the best advice you are likely to get is eat less and move more, the advice which has largely discredited itself over the last 70 years. It is not that simple as you observe within your family.

We definitely need differing amounts to stay alive - alas I seem to need little food and gain weight easily whereas dh eats for bloody Britain! Getting activity levels up is a partial solution as is ensuring she isn't secret eating (she wouldn't be unusual if this was the case). I try and do simple substitutes like having only mashed swede rather than the roast potatoes they are having, half a portion of rice perhaps. But for me running 3 times a week is beginning to pay dividends and I start boot camp next week, I shall get fit!

I was around 8.5/ 9 stone all my adult life except when pregnant, loosing the baby weight quite quickly.
Until I turned 31 when i started to gain weight. I also lost bits of my hair and developed a lump in my neck.
It was thyroid cancer and after 2 operations and radiodine ablation I went up to nearly 11 stone.

It’s taken me 8 years to get down to 10 stone, and my hair dies once it gets to earlobe length, my medication is still being tinkered with every check up.

Yes, I do like chocolate but don’t eat any differently than before the cancer. If anything I eat more healthily !

At a size 12 I look skinny - I'm a perfectly healthy weight but broad shouldered, long legged and with very prominent collar bones and at that size I look a bit drawn and gaunt and get asked if I'm ill

I am the same SharpLily. I am average height but broad shouldered, broad backed and larged boned e.g. my wrists. Though 5 ft 6 inches I would look very slim at size 12. I'm better at size 14. I can really carry^ weight. As you say someone who was very narrow or petite in build, even if the same height, would look very different at the same weight. However, I have passed a point at size 16 where I am definitely looking like I could lose a stone, so there are limits of course. I wonder also if I would not need weights scuba diving!

Sorry I can't add any other thoughts to OP. I think we are all different, though we all do coalesce round an "average" but there are exceptions and a gradient on each side. I think for most of us its trial and error to find what works.

Hi OP reading about your daughter was like looking back on my own life a little! From age 13 my weight shot up, and at age 15, at 5 ft 2, I'd hit 13stone. It wasn't an accident, I was horrendously lazy and I took extra food with me to bed every single night. It might be worth checking your DD isn't consuming extra snacks on the side that you don't know about. I was bloody sneaky with mine so she could be too!

About two years ago I was diagnosed with an underactive thyroid, and whilst it does lower my metabolism a little, it's absolutely not the reason I gained so much so fast, that was purely down to me and my poor choices.

As an adult, I now understand that food is not the be all and end all, and going without a dessert or a packet of crisps at teatime will not kill me. Having said that, I can't imagine having that kind of clarity at 13.

Try her on weight training/lifting rather than cardio at the gym. It's less boring than a treadmill, and puts you in touch with your body and what it can do in a very direct way.

I second EL who suggested reading about 'fat logic'. Here is the story of a man who was overweight until he addressed 'fat logic'.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/society/2019/jan/05/truth-obesity-five-fat-myths-debunked

He used the BMR and it worked for him.

I also recommend weight lifting. It can make you feel strong and you get to eat loads of great foods that doesn't feel as restrictive as some diets! The emphasis is on eating food to give you energy for training. She may enjoy this more than cardio based exercise all the time.