Does anyone genuinely believe their weight is not caused by overeating

[getback]

My dd (13) is overweight, and not just a little bit. I have three girls, and my 9-yr old and 15-yr old are both slim. It is actually breaking my heart. sorry I know that sounds dramatic but I feels so helpless and so sad for my middle dd who is teased at school, has a permanent chafing rash on her thighs and can't wear the pretty clothes her sister wear. This Christmas she didn't want her picture taken next to them and I know I have to do something

She is a completely different shape to the others, very thick set. I can see just by looking at her that there is no possible way that she would ever have the slim shape they have. I know how hard that must be for her and try and focus on how talented and beautiful she is in many ways.

Coming back to my thread title, I know that logically she is eating enough to maintain her weight but it just baffles me why she is so much bigger. They all have the same breakfast and dinner. They do have treats at the weekend but these are equally shared. I did mfp for a while and she averaged 1800 a day so I possibly need to get this lower. But I know if I did it for her older sister it would be the same, maybe she's just lucky

Also my friends talk about what their teenagers eat and what it costs and sounds like so, so much, why aren't their kids overweight? Is it possible that some people don't burn off calories as efficiently, even though we're always being told it should be a simple matter of eat less move more? Ive been trying to help her lose weight for years, now I know I need to do it. Can anyone who has experienced this advise?

Sorry for rambling

[getback]

Actually thyroid was something else I mentioned to school nurse and she literally rolled her eyes at me. It was so awful, dd sat in the corner with her glasses all steamed up and her arms folded over her belly and the nurse barking at me about all the issues she could face. Couldn't wait to get out of there.

[PerverseConverse]

Poor girl. How has she got so heavy as to be obese? That doesn't happen overnight. She sounds very unhappy and anxious about her weight and you sound very focused on it which she will have noticed. Time to address the unhealthy attitude to food you both have but do it in a way where she isn't the focus. Teach her to cook and make healthy meals together, look at potions sizes and do family based exercise like bike rides and walks. Don't make foods good or bad, aim for balance.

NB metabolism is higher in those that are higher because it takes more energy to move greater mass.

As a GP practice nurse I used to recommend porridge for breakfast as a first change and adding in extra walking as costs nothing to do that.

Does she drink fizzy drinks? Energy drinks? If so, get her off then. Artificial sweeteners are the devil incarnate for weight gain as is the sugar in fizzy drinks. Fizzy drinks themselves cause people to eat more according to a recent study of fizzy water vs plain water.

[getback]

@PerverseConverse it's been very gradual, every year she has got a little bigger. I was shocked to hear that she's technically obese, she's short which doesn't help. It's hard getting that balance, guiding her without giving her a complex.... we eat very healthily as a family btw, I cook well balanced meals every night and we all eat together

[PerverseConverse]

BMI is higher is those that are Heavier that should say

[Grace212]

OP " It will only change with weeks and weeks of overeating. After a two week holiday dds school skirt wouldn't do up"

I believe there's a lot more to learn about weight. I was so skinny in my teens and 20s the doctor was concerned. I used to eat a huge amount of food and had a desk job, also was very academic and did no sports.

when I started on antidepressants, i gained weight so fast I couldn't believe my eyes, until a colleague started on them and couldn't fit into her clothes after 2 weeks.

there will be tons of factors at play that we don't understand. I really feel for your DD but tbh I'd be careful around restricting her diet as some of it must be other reasons.

I once did an experiment - before anti deps - to eat a donut every day in November (don't ask) and see if it made a difference to my weight. no change over a month, these were Krispy kremes which are high in calories and some days I ate two!

[Popchyk]

Can you think of any activities that you can all do together? Geo-caching, dog walking, cycling, anything like that? There's the 1000 mile a year challenge thing, you could all sign up for that as a family? Family reward for completing it.

Does she like dance? Can she join a dance class with a friend?

Is she interested in cadets, scouts? That kind of thing?

I know you said she doesn't like the gym and that's fine but there are hundred of sports and pastimes out there. There must be something that she'd like. It is just a matter of finding something.

The food is important of course, no question.

I was considered quite big as a child (not overweight but of a sturdy build). My sisters were small-framed and dainty which of course made me look larger in comparison. I have wide shoulders - a kind of swimmer's build. As I hit puberty, I seemed to grow into my frame a lot better. As an adult, I still have the wide shoulders but a small waist and bum. My dainty sister still has the small frame but she is prone to putting weight on her waist and bum which she is always saying is "totally unfair" compared to me. So swings and roundabouts really.

[Grace212]

also, my mum was a healthy weight but after menopause, weight just fell off her and put her into the underweight category, where she stayed. Who the hell knows. most of her friends and her sister gained weight after menopause.

[hendricksy]

What size clothes does she wear ? Do you know what she weighs ? I only ask because I'm wondering how overweight she is .. my dd walks to school everyday although she doesn't do any extra exercise I reckon this is around 10,000 steps a day . Does she walk anywhere ?

[noodlenosefraggle]

I was going to say the gym and fitbits sound very grown up activities, and not fun. What about swimming, trampolining, martial arts etc? I know most calories come from food, but it may be a start.

[getback]

She hasn't been weighed since yr7. I buy her m and s school uniform in the extra large fit, so around her age but more material. Clothes fit her badly, the most difficult area is upper arm where everything is tight and uncomfortable. I have ordered many items online made to measure as getting clothes to fit her is hard.

[Littlepond]

I have an under active thyroid which means I gain weight easily and struggle to lose it. I’m overweight because i eat too much (and drink too much 🙄) and I’m I under no illusions about that BUT it is very frustrating how slowly weight comes off when I am focussed and dieting and it’s really hard to stay motivated.
DOEs she gave any other symptoms of hypothyroidism? Tiredness, depression, trouble regulating temperature, aching joints, to name a few alongside weight gain...

[getback]

I did street dance with her as her sisters flat out refused to, but she didn't like it. She's done gymnastics, trampolining, clubberfit, swimming squad and various other things, but she always wants to leave in the e f. Maybe I let her quit too easily

[getback]

@Littlepond she complains constantly of backache, but no other aches and pains. No depression other than getting generally down about her size. She always tired but I think teenagers do sleep a lot and complain of being tired so hard to tell if it's related

[SmiledWithTheRisingSun]

She needs to exercise every day.

[Jaffacakebeast]

What about getting her some exercise equipment for home. A bike or treadmill? She might be less embarrassed at home vs the gym. I’m afraid you’ll have to tell her, not ask her to use it. My ds is 12 and overweight and I openly say to him, get your shoes on, we’re taking the dog, I don’t want you to die young and end up diabetic. I tried all the gentle chats. Making him take exercise is the only thing I can do

[GemmeFatale]

Honestly from what you’ve said she’s fat because she eats too much and barely moves.

She might have PE scheduled three times a week but in a class of 30(?) it’s very easy to stand about doing not a lot. So she’s probably not exercising during those classes. The walk to and from school/the bus stop is less than two miles a day. (If you’re aiming for 10,000 steps a day minimum two miles is about 4,000). She needs more exercise.

I’d say the reaction to the McFlurry tells you a lot about her attitude to food too. She feels entitled not just to one unhealthy food treat but multiple unhealthy treat items.

The most likely explanation for her weight is she eats more and moves less than her siblings.

[sleepyhead]

It's so difficult because most measures of activity/consumption are subjective unless you're using an external measure (which can be circumvented if you're not motivated - c.f. your dd sabotaging the fitbit).

A mile is c2000 steps so if she's naturally sedentary then her walk to school is only getting her on 4000. It's easy to do bugger all movement in pe if you're not up for it.

If she's short and inactive then her baseline calorie needs will be very low.

You may feel like you're overeating on holiday but that's a subjective feeling. When you feel stuffed you may even subconsciously eat less at the next meal. Your dd may not have that feeling of fullness until far more calories have been consumed but to the casual observer you may look like you're eating the same.

[rightreckoner]

You definitely can have different metabolic rates. My mum eats next to nothing and is very overweight and plus is now very immobile which obviously contributes. She has also had a lifetime of steroids so it’s been an uphill climb for her. She really has little interest in food and eats a fraction of what I do. There is a genetic component to all of this and it just is harder for some people than others.

However your DD presumably hasn’t had the lifetime of steroids and she hasn’t yet had the opportunity to become completely inactive so you can still do something. The Fitbit story is really instructive I think. She feels nagged and feels it’s hopeless and is therefore hiding, pretending she doesn’t care etc. Poor girl - I really feel for her.

She obviously has a different build to the rest of you and she always will do. I would focus on the fitness element and aim to get her to adulthood with sport or fitness as a habit. Then when she is older she can decide to take control herself because you will have given her the tools.

I did couch to 5k with my not sporty dd. She got a kick out of achieving that. I hate sport too. Hated it at school. But I have found a few things I can do and I like being able to run 5k despite being fat. That makes me feel better about myself and I’m more likely to eat well if I’ve done my run.

[Popchyk]

Horse riding? Expensive but the child has to put a lot of work into it. My niece is into horses and is never in the house, she's always off mucking out or out riding or off competing somewhere.

I'm not seriously suggesting buying a horse. Just some lessons.

Also you mentioned the two week holiday thing where she put on weight. This year could you book a self-catering place where there are nice activities nearby? That way you all eat healthy stuff in the evening cooked by you.

[Tinty]

I was like your DD at 13 OP, my mum gave me the same to eat as my 11 year old brother and I was about a stone and a half or so heavier than him, we were the same height. I was also 5 ft. You are going to have to be tough on your DD. Do you have a McDonalds with a Milkshake and a Mcflurry? No, why? Because it is too much. Nobody needs a Milkshake and a Mcflurry.

She probably needs a lot less to eat than her brother and sister, what you said about metabolism is probably correct. If you fed all children the exact same diet they would not be the exact same shape and weight. My DD is 13 and 5 ft and ok but if she ate as much as some of her friends she would be massive. When they come for tea they eat 3 times as much as she does but they are very naturally slim builds and a couple of inches taller than DD, they definitely have faster metabolisms than she does.

So yes she is overeating, if she eats the same as her brother and sister but weighs a lot more, she needs to eat slightly less and over time she will slim down. Just give her a slightly smaller portion each meal than you give her brother and sister and hopefully as she gets taller she will get slimmer.

[getback]

@Jaffacakebeast thank you so much for commenting, your ds is a similar age so how does he take it when you're direct like that? I sometimes actually want to say something similar although so far approach has been very gentle, but like you say she then doesn't make any effort!

[WellBHoise]

You can bypass the school nurse and GP and order a home thyroid blood test for under £100 which is just a finger prick blood test and more comprehensive than the NHS. Maybe tell her you’ll check her thryroid this way and then after that she starts doing excercise with you?

[PerverseConverse]

www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-weight/bmi-calculator/

OP, try the above link for advice if you haven't already. There's lots of links in there on how to help.

[getback]

Tinty did you feel emotional about it, or get upset? Or did you just accept you had to eat less. If she was on board it would be so much easier. I don't want to nag but I can't just watch her getting bigger and do nothing.

[ralphi]

Her diet sounds good and balanced, but the amount of exercise she is doing seems very low to me. Walking to school is a good thing, but you have no way of checking the level of activity during PE, and tbh it is probably not too high anyway, and is likely exacerbated by her dislike of exercise. I think you really need to put an emphasis on finding a form of exercise that she likes doing, and making her stick to it. What do her friends do? Otherwise, perhaps try group/family activitites? Going swimming as a family etc. and upping the activity levels as the weekend and in the hols.