Does anyone genuinely believe their weight is not caused by overeating

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My dd (13) is overweight, and not just a little bit. I have three girls, and my 9-yr old and 15-yr old are both slim. It is actually breaking my heart. sorry I know that sounds dramatic but I feels so helpless and so sad for my middle dd who is teased at school, has a permanent chafing rash on her thighs and can't wear the pretty clothes her sister wear. This Christmas she didn't want her picture taken next to them and I know I have to do something

She is a completely different shape to the others, very thick set. I can see just by looking at her that there is no possible way that she would ever have the slim shape they have. I know how hard that must be for her and try and focus on how talented and beautiful she is in many ways.

Coming back to my thread title, I know that logically she is eating enough to maintain her weight but it just baffles me why she is so much bigger. They all have the same breakfast and dinner. They do have treats at the weekend but these are equally shared. I did mfp for a while and she averaged 1800 a day so I possibly need to get this lower. But I know if I did it for her older sister it would be the same, maybe she's just lucky

Also my friends talk about what their teenagers eat and what it costs and sounds like so, so much, why aren't their kids overweight? Is it possible that some people don't burn off calories as efficiently, even though we're always being told it should be a simple matter of eat less move more? Ive been trying to help her lose weight for years, now I know I need to do it. Can anyone who has experienced this advise?

Sorry for rambling

Oh we’ve had massive arguments, he’s cried, says I should accept him for who he his, he says (I don’t believe) he’s not bothered how he looks. I’m very strict. I tell him what he can and can’t eat. He’s also cashless at school but thought he could get away with eating x4 cookies a day instead of actual food. It’s a constant battle tbh. He’s short for his age and like me chubby around the middle rather that legs and arms, this is where the diabetic worries come in. He has a Fitbit as I do, also we’ve got Fitbit scales. It’s sort of progressed into a compitition now (probably not ideal) this is all ongoing at this level for about 18mths, it’s hard to tell him directly you can’t eat that b’cos your overweight and I want you to live long and be healthy. But it gets easier. Like anything with parenting I suppose, you’ve got to stick to it and the kids get less rebellious to the rules :/

I agree that you need to tackle it, rather than perhaps keep asking why. You've said the children aren't active so that needs to change. Family cycle rides? Book a badminton court at the weekend? Is there a ski dome, stables or BMX track (something a bit out of the ordinary to tempt her?)

I'd also plate up her meals (and everyone elses) rather than everyone helping themselves. Avoid processed foods and cook healthy meals from scratch. Treats and puddings (other than fruit / yoghurt) only at weekend. I'd also monitor her school meal choice every day.

My 9yr old came home from school and said she'd been called fat. We tried (as a family) to walk more, dance in the house, cycle to school, bought her a scooter etc and it made a big difference.

A pp mentioned gut bacteria and it's impact on weight. Was she born by c section and your other children not? Was she formula fed or only briefly breast fed but your other children breast fed for longer? This can affect gut biome.

There was an episode of doctor in the house with Dr rangan chatterjee which featured an overweight child who didn't seem to be over eating. He changed the child's diet to improve the child's gut microbiome and it really helped. You might be able to find this on you tube.

Also see Dr Michael mosley clever guts book.

I haven’t read the full thread, but I have 3 DCs - two very skinny, highly strung, high maintenance ones, the other is a delight, no trouble, as a baby totally chilled. He was the only baby my midwife had ever met who gained weight in his first week! He’s always been a bit of a chunk, but never eaten more or done less than his siblings.

I have thyroid issues and have been convinced he also has a slightly under-active thyroid. Tests show he’s at the edge of the normal range, but I know that when my levels are where his are, I feel terrible and put on weight easily. I’ve never had reason to order bloods for the other two but I’m convinced they’d be at the other end of the ‘normal’ range.

We’re all built differently, have different metabolisms etc and apparently even being a fidget can burn lots of calories so it could be that people who aren’t active as such, but move a lot while ‘sedentary’ end up putting on less weight.

I certainly don’t believe it’s as simple as eat less move more.

BTW my DS above has just turned 14 and magically lost all his excess weight and shot up in height, so it may well sort itself out without any intervention. But being active of course has other benefits so introducing a more healthy lifestyle generally would be good as a family.

Jaffa I perhaps need to toughen up a little

Antihop the gut theory is really interesting, I'm reading it now. I had three straightforward births, ironically dd was bf for nearly 2 years and the other two only 6 months (for various reasons) Yet DD has eczema, mild asthma, skin problems and is very short sighted needing really thick lenses, all of these things have escaped the rest of us. Life is just unfair sometimes.

Oh and when I got the letter from school about his weight saying they could recommend us to a healthy eating/exercise course I binned it straight away. If I don’t know about that stuff why are my other two kids skinny?!

Raging that's interesting my dd was also a very chilled baby, good sleeper, laid back, the other two were and still are much more fidgety in many ways

Honestly from what you’ve said she’s fat because she eats too much and barely moves.

Yes, I agree with this. If one of mine asked for a milkshake and a McFlurry-I’d say no and that it was far too much. I think she’s guilt tripping you a bit.

Maybe have a look and see if the ThisGirlcCan scheme is operating in your area? They run loads of female only activities that she might not have thought about trying and the female only environment might make her feel a little more comfortable participating?

I'm overweight because I eat to much, definitely. However I know what you mean OP because I've been overweight since I was a baby, while my sister has always been slim. We were fed the same. I was literally born ginormous and my mum didn't have gestational diabetes so no explanation. Did I also overeat inside the womb? I take full responsibility for my weight now but not under the age of about 7-8, and certainly not before birth.

My weight is my responsibility, I know that, and I am fat because of what I eat. However, I get fat by eating what a lot of people eat just to maintain their weight. I’m extremely sensitive to carbohydrates (though not diabetic) and I really, genuinely don’t ever stuff my face or binge eat or anything like that.

Decades of low-fat diet advice did nothing for me because fat wasn’t my problem, carbohydrates were. Took me years to work this out.

I think you need to tougher op.
I was overweight for a couple of years at that age, but then shot up in height & became vegetarian and lost the extra.
However I was left with bad stretch marks and I wish my mum hadn't turned a blind eye to my weight as even now my body is marked.
I was very active, had a horse (although there are plenty of overweight people who ride!) but I comfort ate junk food (no love/comfort from my parents).
I unwittingly lost weight by becoming a veggie because my mum wouldn't entertain a 'food fab' and so I just ate the healthy meals she served without the meat.
As I lost weight I took more interest in my appearance and that helped keep me slim.
I think the fact that none of your daughters do any exercise needs to change, this isn't really excusable, and you and dh need to work on this.....maybe a treat of a skiing holiday (if finances allow) or similar as a target for getting fit. Or a PT once a week? Get a lovely fit guy and see their motivation soar!
I guess they all have smart phones? There must be apps where you have to earn your phone usage through movement/exercise?
Agree that the 2 miles walking to school and back isn't enough, especially as she's unlikely to be power walking and getting her heart rate up and probably just ambling along looking at her phone.

I'd be honest with her, she's 13 now so coming to the age where she will be making more choices for herself and you won't do her any favours by pretending she's able to eat the same as those around her.

I've always struggled with my weight and am clearly one of those people with a crappy metabolism (also have PCOS). I'm at a healthy weight now as I had to be for fertility treatment but this has been a struggle and I've learnt that I need to eat very little to maintain a healthy weight. It really does come down to eating less calories then you use and this is different for everyone.

One thing that really helped me was googling BMR. There are calculators that work out roughly how many calories your body needs to function. I used this with my fitness pal to track how many calories I was eating. That was a massive shock to me as really I only need about 1500 calories and some 'healthy meals' were around 800. It really gave me a better understanding of what I could get away with eating.

Depending on how mature she is it might be worth having a proper conversation about all this and educating her so she has a better understanding. She clearly knows she is overweight and ultimately she needs to be on board with changing it. At that age my mother not so secretly restricting my food just used to get my back up as she'd pretend nothing has changed and it was clear why she was doing it. She will learn that she has choices and that you can balance having a treat but those calories need to come from somewhere else, eg smaller or healthier lunch etc. But I would talk these decisions through with her.

unwittingly lost weight by becoming a veggie because my mum wouldn't entertain a 'food fab'

Food fab?

I also think you need to have a heart to heart conversation with your daughter. I hated being overweight at that age....only girl with big boobs etc in my class.
Maybe a frank and caring discussion about her weight and that there's no magic wand, but you want to support her, might get through to her?
I see why she's hurting, but unless she has a big growth spurt she does need to change her lifestyle otherwise her whole teenage hood will be spent being over weight....not fun.

holidayshopping an obvious typo for food faD.

I'd be honest with her, she's 13 now so coming to the age where she will be making more choices for herself and you won't do her any favours by pretending she's able to eat the same as those around her.

^ ^
This

My DD hates that I tell her not to eat tons of chocolate, crisps etc. I get but X does mum why can't I? (Because X is 4 inches taller than you and stick thin!) It is an ongoing battle (especially over Christmas with Grandparents constantly offering chocolate).

OP you asked was I sensitive about it. Yes I absolutely hated it, I was one of the smallest in my school year and chubby in amongst all the tall slim beautiful girls.

The thing that made the difference was leaving home and eating a lot smaller portions than my mum always made me eat. We ate really healthily lots of vegetables, homemade food, but far too big portions.

My mum is very overweight but seems not to see it. I have stayed slimish since I left home. But it is a constant battle not to eat big portions (and really annoying to see other people eat them and not put on weight! ). I am small 5' 2" and just can't overeat else I put weight on really easily.

This is the reason I am quite strict with my DD, because I don't want her to be a chubby teenager like I was.

I was on my phone when I posted before and didn't see your updates re activity and the McFlurry/milkshake thing.

Afraid that makes me think again. Also wonder if kids are bringing stuff into school and she eats that as well as her tuna wrap.

PE is usually very easy to stand around, I'm amazed it is still taught in a way that doesn't give consistent exercise.

This is exactly what I have, my sisters dd is same age, 6 inches taller and very slim, yet seems (to my dd anyway) to eat loads. I've seen the packed lunches my sister makes and no exaggeration there must be over 1000 calories just in that box. I need to tell dd not to focus on this, but focus on what's right for her.

My ds eats loads. He eat about 3x as much as me! I'd be physically sick if I ate the amount he did for a meal.

And if we have roast for example I'll have

A slice of meat
Mashed suede
Carrots
Mashed potato
Sweet potato
Parsnips.

He'll eat

2-3 slices of meat
2 large Yorkshire puddings
Mash potato
Parsnips
Peas

He'll often also then have seconds.

I'm overweight. Not obese but should be about 2 stone lighter. (I'm lucky I'm tall!)
Ds is a good weight. But he's a swimmer. He swims for 7 hrs a week and land trains for 1. He probably swims about 25k minimum on a busy week and will compete some weekends too.
His metabolism must be very fast and he's an anxious child so lives off nervous energy too!

I've also noted he's the only person who's decreased food consumption over Christmas week - probably as he's not been training.

1800 calories is a lot if she is only 5'1" and not active. For comparison - I'm 5'6", reasonably active and need 1750 calories to just maintain my healthy weight.

Height make a huge difference too - my sister is 4" taller than me and can eat loads more without putting on weight. You can't really compare what her cousin eats if she's 6 inches taller. It doesn't seem fair, but it can't be changed.

A food diary might be a good idea. But for you to do, not your dd. I think she's already got enough of a complex from what you've said so doesn't need adding to.
Monitor as best you can what she eats for a week and how active she is. Include every drink and snack no matter how small. I suspect you are both in denial about how much she eats. Concentrate on continuing to provide healthy food but in smaller portions, add extra family exercise into your routines and see if it gradually lessens over time. Don't make foods forbidden, don't make food a thing. If the school nurse says she obese then that's not just a few pounds overweight, or a bit chubby, or heavy set. It's fat. Significantly fat to the point of being a risk to health. No point dressing it up as anything other than what it is. The link I posted earlier is helpful and I'd enlist the support of your gp if the above doesn't help.

but just seeing her cousin's lunch box doesnt give the full picture. Dniece may be incredibly active, or not like eating much in the evening. My DS has a v. small breakfast, doesn't eat much for lunch at all, (orange, apple or nothing at all), then has a snack in the early afternoon (nearly always biscuits, cheese and / or yoghurt) and then a large dinner. He has 6 hours football practice per week plus fixtures, so around 10 hours in total plus a lot of other things. So if you looked at the biscuits /chocolate/ cheese cubes /etc that he hoovers up in the afternoon, you might think he eats loads and is not overweight. I think you need to point this out to your dd. No two children are the same in their eating or activity levels. (and as I mentioned before, in the nicest possible way, she really needs to get moving)

I have a very slim DS. I put loads in his packed lunch, but that because I'm a bit paranoid about him being too thin. Half of it comes back uneaten. He's also very active and constantly runs around and is a swimmer. I was a slim child and am now a fat adult though so I do still make sure he makes healthy choices. I wouldn't let him have a milkshake and a mcflurry either. He's 10 and has the little child size milkshakes if he wants one. It does sound like she's guilt tripping you.