Does anyone genuinely believe their weight is not caused by overeating

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My dd (13) is overweight, and not just a little bit. I have three girls, and my 9-yr old and 15-yr old are both slim. It is actually breaking my heart. sorry I know that sounds dramatic but I feels so helpless and so sad for my middle dd who is teased at school, has a permanent chafing rash on her thighs and can't wear the pretty clothes her sister wear. This Christmas she didn't want her picture taken next to them and I know I have to do something

She is a completely different shape to the others, very thick set. I can see just by looking at her that there is no possible way that she would ever have the slim shape they have. I know how hard that must be for her and try and focus on how talented and beautiful she is in many ways.

Coming back to my thread title, I know that logically she is eating enough to maintain her weight but it just baffles me why she is so much bigger. They all have the same breakfast and dinner. They do have treats at the weekend but these are equally shared. I did mfp for a while and she averaged 1800 a day so I possibly need to get this lower. But I know if I did it for her older sister it would be the same, maybe she's just lucky

Also my friends talk about what their teenagers eat and what it costs and sounds like so, so much, why aren't their kids overweight? Is it possible that some people don't burn off calories as efficiently, even though we're always being told it should be a simple matter of eat less move more? Ive been trying to help her lose weight for years, now I know I need to do it. Can anyone who has experienced this advise?

Sorry for rambling

It’s not so much what I eat as my lack of exercise. How would she feel about a basic Fitbit to monitor her levels of activity? DS and I found that was a more positive way of thinking, rather than calorie-counting, and it worked for both of us.

The thing is I want to get the balance right. She knows how to push my buttons, telling me I'm "fat shaming" her when I won't allow her food (we had McDonald's for a treat over Christmas and she wanted a McFlurry as well a meal with a milkshake)

I want to be firm but I don't want to make her feel bad - I can see already that she feels bad about it and the window of opportunity where I have an influence will soon be gone so the good choices have to come from her

I don't have any medical explanations for you but in my life I have been variously over and underweight. Doctors feel they have very simple reasons for this but I know for a fact, confirmed by my very confused mother and husband, that quite often when I have been slimmer I have been eating far more than when I've been overweight. It doesn't make any sense at all and it makes it hard to work out what to do for the best. At one point last year I was eating shit, to be honest - too many crisps and sweets etc. but was losing weight. I wanted to feel healthier so I cut out sugar and ate far fewer calories per day. The weight loss stopped. Explain that one to me, please.

So while it may be as simple as your poor daughter sneaking in snacks you don't know about, there's every chance the situation is more complicated than that but I'm not sure you'll ever be able to work out what it is.

We got her the Fitbit and it said her cardio fitness was poor to fair, this shocked me it really did, it must be because she's so big. Although she doesn't move if she doesn't need to, she cant be that unfit as she does PE three times a week, walks to school (nearly a mile each way) and has to walk a similar distance to bus stop at weekends.

She refused to wear it after that, deliberately letting the battery run out and hiding it pretending it was lost.

It may be that she has a slower metabolism or even a hormonal imbalance but either way the solution is still the same, eat healthier, exercise more.
If dd is overweight and unhappy about it the best thing you can do is help her get healthier which should help lose weight. Personally I would get her involved in some exercise that she enjoys - a dance class, karate class, swimming, whatever she would enjoy doing. Involve her siblings too if they also do no exercise it would be good for them. Or do something as a family like couch to 5k.
Eat healthy food at home, all of you not just her and keep an eye on portion sizes, it may be that all of them eat the same food but she’s eating more of it.
Being teased daily at school will be miserable for her poor thing. Best of luck x

telling me I'm "fat shaming" her when I won't allow her food

That seems like a very over the top reaction to being denied a McFlurry, especially as I assume your other girls were also told no.

10% of women have PCOS. It doesn't automatically make you overweight but it does mean you have to be more careful. There's a relationship between PCOS and insulin which isn't entirely understood yet.
I have PCOS and my sister doesn't. My sister is a size 10 and I'm a 14/16. She eats tons of chocolate and takes no exercise (but she has a v active life). I actively exercise and it eats up time I'd rather be doing other things and I have to really watch what I eat and what I have in the house. It's a bitch, frankly.

ice yes she uses that phrase a lot, sometimes in a jokey self deprecating way, sometimes to try and get out of stuff.

I’m overweight but I know mine is done to exercise.
I’ve become a sahm, I eat the same amount and types of food I did when I was at work ft (maybe a few extra coffees) but I’ve gained 2 stone since I’ve stopped working.

Has she started her period yet? My dd is 15 now but around 12 she put on about a stone which disappeared with no effort when she started her periods.

There are other explanations (I was dx with enhanced metabolic efficiency because my metabolic rate went up and down to match calorie intake instead of staying constant - meant no amount of eat less move more would work for me - in fact I got quite ill at one stage trying it). Unfortunately things like this are quite unusual (my condition was only exposed via a 12 week medical research programme) so no research/treatment/limited GP awareness etc. I imagine the general eat less move more probably fits for 99% of population.
At 16 it could be difficult to assist without triggering eating issues. Might be worth starting a sports hobby of some kind for all DC. Her weight may not be manageable, but if that’s the case then it is especially important to manage her health.

@Afternooninthepark it's frustrating isn't it? I'm very active and so is DH, our girls just aren't interested, they just want to sit around on their devices. They will go for family walks with us under duress but they've got no interest in sports whatsoever.

she cant be that unfit as she does PE three times a week, walks to school (nearly a mile each way) and has to walk a similar distance to bus stop at weekends

That’s actually quite a low amount of activity.
If she thinks teenagers don’t go to the gym then perhaps show her teen sports people, show her that they are so fit and healthy because the watch what they eat and they exercise a lot.

I’d there no sport she’d like to try?

Can you not tell them as a New Years healthy resolution they all have to take up a new sport but they can choose what it is - swimming, dancing, trampolining, climbing, judo etc ?

What about a family fitness goal? My dd wants to go to Paris and see the sights, so she needs to be able to walk for miles without tiring. This has given her the impetus to exercise more.

And this goes without saying, but if you expect one DC to forgoe treats, everyone should do the same.

Yikes after hearing the fitbit and gym story i would imagine some damage is already done but tbh, i dont think its your fault as such, weight is just SUCH a big deal for society and EVERYONE has an opinion and she'd have to be blind not to notice a difference between her and familt, friends and media....

If the gym isnt right (and it is a boring and adult environment) what about a sport? Really encoyrage her to find something she loves - maybe watch documentaries about tennis, cycling, rock climbing, inspiring female athletes. It may be that she chases that, tweaks nutrition to aid performance and meets friends?

I also had an overweight friend in school who was teased mercilessly. She toom up canoeing and travelled extensively, took up more outdoorsy sports incl marathons etc and is like a lat now!

Yeah sure i intend to follow my own advice soon tbf i had a very active job until recently so its only now i need to find my sport!

It's hard. I do believe there is an element of genetics in weight. I think lots of things affect metabolism and believe in the intolerance to certain foods theory too.

Can you start doing more family activities like swimming and cycling? Perhaps exercise at home by all doing Jillian Michael or something similar?

Eating more can speed up metabolism but you have to eat more of the right foods. So increase the veg and increase proteins rather than carbs.

Most slim people fidget and move more than overweight people. Personally I don’t. If I sit down I sit still so I have to exercise lots to stay slim.
Also the body is good at retaining weight so once you’ve got it it’s harder to lose, if you eat less your body will subconsciously make you move less.

It isn’t fair and eating less is hard. For me the only way to eat less without getting hungry or being low on energy is to drop pretty much all sugar and white carbs.

I agree some people are more prone to it. I have PCOS (maybe the symptoms of that are something to watch for with her), 1500 calories a day is maintenance for me. If I want to lose I have to drop to 1000 and exercise HARD. I do best on a low carb diet (insulin resistance is part of PCOS). I feel for your daughter, it does seem unfair sometimes when others can seemingly eat what they want.

You would be doing her a huge favour if you can find her some sort of sport/ exercise that she enjoys, so she can continue into adulthood. Anything she can do to build muscle will speed her metabolism.

I agree with @allthatmalarky I have pcos but was only diagnosed 3 years ago (I'm 30 now) when I was ttc. I wish I'd known to get checked at the docs when a teenager so might be worth seeing your gp. As well as checking on her diet maybe looking for some lower calorie main meals for everyone so it doesn't become a big issue. Best of luck!

She is acting too much for her needs but they are likely lower than your other DDs needs. Do any of the bellow apply to your DD:
-Thin and/or slow growing hair
-Brittle and/or slow growing nails
-A dark ring around the outer edge of her irsis
-lethargy
-depression

• the majority of the weight gain was sudden

-the weigh in primarily or disproportionately distributed on her shoulders/back

*iris

I've read every reply and it's so helpful to hear people different experiences, it's looking more and more like one size doesn't fit all in terms of losing weight. Reading this is making me think I need to focus less on "why?" And more on "this is how it is, what do we do to make it better"

Did anyone see that programme about obese children? The doctor that said that if an obese child turns up with obese parents, that's a family issue but if an obese child turns up from a slim family, it could be either a health issue or secret overeating.
Have they looked at your daughter's thyroid levels?
If all in your family are slim but your DD is not and is not overeating, it could also be down to body type - your other DDs are ectomorph as opposed to your DDs endomorph which is down to genes.
Certainly both my parents are tall and have slim limbs (ectomorph) whereas I take after both maternal and paternal grandparents and am very short with chunky legs (endomorph). It's just the way family genes have worked on me!

Re the pcos, I was just googling the symptoms when you posted, and it doesn't seem to fit so I don't think it's that

I think it's pretty well established that weight is a combination of nature and nurture...so genetics combined with what you eat/exercise levels.

I'm overweight...I do probably overeat but not to the extent I think people must think I do. I don't drink alcohol, never eat fast food or takeaways..never drink fizzy drinks.

I have had a healthy bmi before and it was incredibly hard work to maintain. I would eat one meal a day or two small meals and have to do a lot of exercise. Even then, I was slim and curvy rather than thin. All the women in my family are a similar shape to me.