Officially my heaviest and time to change. Anyone with me?

[DreamingOfADifferentMe]

Hi all,

Well, having just returned from a gorgeous week's holiday, I decided to take the plunge and step onto the scales. Bloody hell.

I'm officially the heaviest I've ever been. I look awful. And I'm desperate to change. I've spent the last few days reading threads on here that I think will inspire me and I'm determined to make a change.

I have a number of milestones to get to, including a holiday in October, but the big one in my head is going to see the GP in a few weeks' time for a repeat prescription for my contraceptive pill. Last year, she made some reference about my weight as they may not have been allowed to prescribe it, given my high BMI. She did, and prescribed me a year's worth, and they're nearly gone. Have I lost weight? Have I heck - I'm actually heavier, and I can't bear the idea of going back and having the same utterly humiliating conversation.

So, I'm just debating the best approach. I know low/no carbs works really well for me, though I can struggle to stick with it, but that's what I'm going for initially.

This morning I weighed in at 15st 11, and I'm just 5ft 4. I'm a size 18. This cannot be who I am. I am not the woman who looks back at me in the mirror.

My mission is to shift, ideally, around 3st initially. I know that I look and feel great at 12st something, and even though I'll be far from a size 10 skinny minnie, I will feel fantastic. Then, when I get to that point, we'll see.

However, when there's such a long road ahead, I know I get easily defeated. So, does anyone fancy a hand to hold along a similar path? I'm happy to give tonnes of support and will cheer folk on, anyone fancy returning the favour?

Morning gang! I'm back from my weekend away and have just caught up with the thread. Won't try and name check everyone as so much has been posted but hello to everyone new since Friday!

Food wise my weekend was good and bad in equal measure, I got far, far drunker than I had planned to on Friday night which calorie wise was awful but did mean I was too hungover to eat anything on Saturday and most of Sunday - not healthy I know but I just couldn't stomach anything. Later on Sunday and most of yesterday I allowed myself to pick at whatever I fancied as I just really needed to eat something. So back on the wagon today and focussing on next Monday's weigh in, to be honest as long as I don't gain I'll call it a win!

Buffalo congrats on getting started with zombie run, glad I spurred you into it! I haven't done any of c25k since Friday, as I sort of knew I wouldn't even though I did pack my running stuff. My knee is twinging today so going to let it rest and then get back on it tomorrow.

No running for me today after yesterday - I'm a bit achy... But I did decided to walk to the beach with SIL rather than try and coordinate two cars to get us all there - bit further than I thought, it was 7k and took 1hr20min - I'm up to 9800 steps today already and it's not even lunchtime. Cafe lunch today - I reckon a baked potato with no butter and beans but no cheese should do the trick. I could walk home again if I wanted... Not sure about that one!

fuzzpig I hope you feel better soon - dieting and being good is so hard when all you want to do is indulge and make yourself feel better.

buffalo is the zombie run thing an app of some sort? Sounds interesting!

Thanks Socks yes I think there's been a huge (arf) element of treating myself because I feel like crap anyway, and if I indulge myself a little, then why not indulge myself a whole load more.

DH suggested I order a pizza for lunch and it didn't take much to twist my arm as I can hardly stand and he isn't getting home til way past 6, so preparing food is just not going to happen and the kitchen is a bombsite and will be until DH gets home - normally if I ordered something it'd be a massive pizza, shedloads of sides and dessert, but I've kept it much smaller, being mindful from a food and financial point of view so I get enjoyment from having much less... and rather than snaffling whatever the DCs don't want, I'm going to take what I actually want to eat and just have that. If some gets thrown away then so be it! DH will be doing dinner fairly late so I'll request lots of veggies then, might suggest jacket potato with tuna or something. I have ordered a can of Pepsi so hopefully I can manage with that being the only fizzy drink for several days (can't go out anyway, so unless I ask DH to get me one, there's no opportunity!) which will be much better than the 5 or 6 cans I got through last week! I'll make sure I really enjoy it

Except it's just arrived and they gave me a bottle instead (thankfully not a big 2 litre one) as they'd run out of cans. D'oh.

I think I tend to be 'all or nothing' about food. That's why I do the 'oh I've had [insert crap food here] so may as well really pig out and eat [insert 5 more types of crap food here]' thing, and why I can never leave half a packet of biscuits.

This whole thing is challenging me mentally in all sorts of ways. But this is a very good thing.

Apologies for the lame live updates but I've had some of the Pepsi, and now I'm pouring the rest down the sink. Or I might put some down the loo to make it shiny! But I'm not keeping it to drink. I actually don't even like it that much from a can or bottle (like it from bar taps and stuff though, it tastes different!), I only ordered it because they don't have Dr Pepper. I am not going to drink it just because it's there. I am not.

If it's not too late, I descale my kettle with fizzy pop...

I managed to keep to the plain jacket with beans, no cheese and no butter. And I was absolutely stuffed afterwards. I do wonder if it was because I was busy concentrating on DD2 (age 2.5yo) and eating very slowly.

But.

It was a good job I was concentrating on her, as I found a metal shaving in her beans . If she'd been feeding herself, which she might well have been as she's very capable, just having a contrary day today, she might well have eaten it. Fair play to the cafe, they were horrified as well, bagged it up immediately and promised to send off to their supplier. She also opened a new tin of beans and remade all the meals we had that had beans on. And we got a free round of drinks and cakes.

So I did succumb to cake unfortunately, but I had just had rather a wobbly moment at the thought of what could have happened. It looked like a curly twisty shaving, possibly from the canning process?

Coconut flapjack, was lush :-). But again - being good, I had one small bit of DS's rather than a whole piece to myself.

Do you know what Fuzz, you're sounding like a different person. Even if you're still having the odd treat or making choices that you beat yourself up about afterwards, you're thinking about it all so differently. Even the way you view feeling hungry is a huge step forward so huge kudos to you for tackling things, and doing it bit by bit rather than a huge life transformation is a more long-term, likely-to-succeed approach I reckon.

Socks, woah, you're turning into a veritable rambler! Shall we club together and get you a bobble hat and some woolly socks. Impressive work at walking to the beach rather than driving and then not rewarding yourself with cake for your efforts.

Mess, shall I whisper? So glad you had a fab time even if the hangover was a killer. Chances are you'll have lost if you skipped a day and a bit of eating. Hope the shakes have subsided now?

Letme, again, huge well done for being honest with a friend. Support like this thread and also in real life can be the difference between succeeding or not, I think.

As for me, I don't thinkI can remember feeling this committed to a change of lifestyle before. I'm so sick of feeling fat, unhealthy and like I'm holding myself back. My job means I have to be confident and talk in front of people and at some events, I have to be quite high profile. At the moment I feel like I don't look how I need to and so as a result, I feel quite shitty. Instead, I want to look and feel confident, instead of faking it all the time. Does that even make sense?

I know there's loads of others I wanted to say hi to, but am up against a stooooopid deadline so needs must but hi to everyone, especially Buffalo and Charley, don't lose heart, it just means you're in for a whopper of a loss next week. Stick with it - remember the reasons you wanted to make changes, and persevere, you'll be so glad you did. And other newbies, hello!

Oooooh, just noticed we're trending in the little box thing on the right. How bloody cool is that?

Socks - I'm in awe. Free cake and you only had a nibble. You deserve a medal. Or a halo. A sparkly one.

And Fuzz, pouring away drinks. Another halo over here please.

Amazing stuff.

I'm working at the gym today (on my laptop in the cafe, as opposed to helping people work out) and I ordered chicken skewers with salad when I wanted skin-on sweet potato fries. Do I get a halo too? Do I? Do I?

I wouldn't rush to buy me socks - I knit my own, and am quite fussy about them, hence the user name :-) But I really loved the walk - along the Welsh coastline, wind howling and salt spray. Very invigorating. And SIL is fab as well, they live abroad so we see them rarely. Up to 12250 steps now, although I didn't walk home again. We did go up to feed the ducks though...

Aw, shucks Dreaming thank you!

Cool idea Socks how do I use it to descale?

YIKES at the metal in the beans. Thank goodness you saw it!

This thread is making a huge difference to me, I think you deserve it for that!

I just pour it in and leave overnight. The 10p value stuff usually, but if you have some going spare...

We have really hard water so I have to do it a lot.

Cool, thanks - I have about a litre left (1.5l bottle and had two cups of it before thinking actually I'm not enjoying it... why it took two cups I'm not sure! ) so what, fill up the kettle and stick the rest in the loo? I will leave it til tonight as DH will want several cups of tea when he gets home.

Dreaming thanks, it felt really nice to know that how I was feeling, someone else was feeling the same. I'm so proud of her too because she's been sticking with it for a couple of months now and starting running when I knew how self conscious she was couldn't have been easy.

I feel the same Dreaming, about this way of life. I had a sore stomach again last night, I think from the sugar. It happened the day I had the birthday cake and I spent too long on the toilet (sorry guys, TMI!)

Today has been a good day feeling positive about my resolve. Yeah it does suck not being able to have chocolate, but I just made the most delicious dinner of steak, salad, coleslaw and cauliflower mash with creamy mushroom sauce and I thought 'I can't believe I can eat this kind of stuff'. It tasted amazing and I'm really full! That's worth it i think, because I'm really getting more passionate about cooking from scratch and experimenting

Fuzzpig

Dreaming & fuzzpig thanks it felt really nice to know that how I was feeling, someone else was feeling the same. I'm so proud of her too because she's been sticking with it for a couple of months now and starting running when I knew how self conscious she was couldn't have been easy.

I feel the same Dreaming, about this way of life. I had a sore stomach again last night, I think from the sugar. It happened the day I had the birthday cake and I spent too long on the toilet (sorry guys, TMI!) Going back now, no matter how tempted I may be, just IS NOT worth it. I may not have lost much weight at all but I feel better for it anyway.

Today has been a good day feeling positive about my resolve. Yeah it does suck not being able to have chocolate, but I just made the most delicious dinner of steak, salad, coleslaw and cauliflower mash with creamy mushroom sauce and I thought 'I can't believe I can eat this kind of stuff'. It tasted amazing and I'm really full! That's worth it i think, because I'm really getting more passionate about cooking from scratch and experimenting for lunch I also had a Big Mac and fries. The fries I gave to DD and the Big Mac I ate without the bun. Surprisingly this was just before 12, and I went until 7pm without feeling hungry. I had 2 mini cocktail sausages, I slice of pepperoni and a few olives as I prepared dinner. It's like a new me

Fuzzpig how did the pizza lunch to? And most importantly, did you enjoy it? If you're going to have something that isn't low calorie or what you're "meant to" eat, you'd best make sure it's so delicious that its worth it

Yes, I really enjoyed the lunch, thank you! I think because I'd really thought about what to order, and I decided how much to eat when it arrived, so I wasn't tempted to grab more and just attack it like Taz from Looney Tunes, I actually properly savoured it. OTOH, I was hungry quite soon after and it's taken more resolve not to eat a lot this afternoon - that may be in part due to the sugar rush from the Pepsi though?

Tomorrow is another child free day - so again, I'll have to be careful not to spend my time stuffing my face! Need to do more typing and housework, and might make that sausage casserole for dinner depending on what DH is cooking for us tonight. For my lunch I must get my lentil stew out of the freezer tonight - I'm the only one who eats it (TBF, it does look incredibly unappetising, even if it tastes divine!) so it's a good opportunity to have some.

And I really agree about making sure a treat is worth it! I just need to make sure I remember that it's quality, not quantity, that defines 'value' :o

I used to honestly scoff down anything in sight that was vaguely sweet, but for a while now I've felt more able to say no thanks if it's something I don't actually really like. I've never been one for counting calories (I've tried MFP etc but my Aspergers/OCD tendencies meant I really struggled with not knowing exact amounts etc) but I do find myself thinking 'is this actually worth it?' when I'm faced with something that's 'meh' rather than 'mmmmm'! :o

I'm really hungry, but I can wait. DH is hopefully doing something for us grownups when he's finished the kitchen. I Do Not Need A Snack. I Do Not Need A Snack.

Sounds like a really good mindset to have, especially for long term. Learning to enjoy things in moderation is key. Me and my friends were talking about our sugar addiction last night. 3 of us all were in agreement of not being able to just have one chocolate, whilst the other was saying she doesn't really like sweet stuff and if she has a box of chocolates she will maybe have one if she feels like it but she'd never be able to finish a whole box in one sitting.

I think therein lies the difference between her and me. Give me one really delicious chocolate or 5 mediocre chocolates and I'll chose the 5 any day!

I hope you have a delicious dinner, it will be worth the wait I'm sure

I just got myself boiled eggs and stuff (resisted adding a slice of toast!) as DH wasn't hungry! Was nice though.

Tuesday
• Two crumpets with butter and raspberry spread
• Satsuma
• 3 small slices of Hawaiian pizza, crust removed
• 3 chicken wings with a little dip
• 2 breaded cheese triangles
• Cup of Pepsi
• Slice of swiss roll
• Cup of Pepsi
• 10 grapes
• 500ml water
• Two boiled eggs, tuna mayo and carrot

Again posting so I can't be tempted to add more. Really hungry it's taking sooooo much willpower not to eat more now, I feel deprived. When I'm clearly not, I've had enough food today. It is fecking ridiculous to feel deprived. Argh!

I had to buy a swimsuit this evening. It's a size 18 and I look like a whale.

Even more determined now...

fuzz you are doing really well! Could you switch to sparkling water instead of pop? Would still give you the feel of the fuzz maybe?

Arf at 'feel of the fuzz' :o :o and I have a swimsuit that I don't even dare look at because of fear of whale-lookaliking! Can't remember the last time I went swimming.

I actually, annoyingly really don't like sparkling water, although it's a good suggestion. In fact it's a good thing for me to drink for my POTS (something to do with CO2 raising blood pressure I think?) but I do really love normal water and when I tried drinking sparkling I just... couldn't! Well not without adding so much juice that the amount of water was negligible

Right, dropped DCs at friend's house and again managed not to pick any food up on the way home through town - but it was literally my FIRST thought when I arranged to drop them off - oh, I can get something to eat on my own in town, yay... my FIRST thought FFS! Ridiculous. It's no wonder I'm so bloody huge is it!

POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING BELOW

I realised something last night when reading another thread. I have always been big but I don't think I was really comfort eating to such a dramatic extent until I was near adulthood. I self harmed from the age of about 14 onwards, even ending up in a psychiatric unit. I then met now-DH and gradually stopped. That's when I started eating emotionally really. DH has always been skinny and fit so he wasn't remotely affected by our little trips down to the petrol station for yummy stuff, so I got into the habit of eating like him, and then when he was working and I missed him (I was at college part time by this point) I'd just carry on eating. I think I got hooked on the good feelings from eating that type of food.

Since having DD (I was only 20 when she was born) I only SHd a couple of times because I was really determined that they didn't grow up with me doing it... so I think I was even more likely to eat when upset or angry or worried. I have heard that food is the carer's addiction because it's safer to just eat more when you're looking after your babies than getting drunk, doing drugs or hurting yourself. It makes sense to me. Any emotion would just make me turn to food.

I'm dwelling on this a bit as I also realised last night (when I really couldn't sleep - but still I resisted temptation to come downstairs and put a DVD on because that would've made me very likely to eat too!) that this latest relapse (of my M.E.) has really had a huge effect on my mental health too. I'm very anxious and while at first I was frustrated at having to stay home, I am now back to being a hermit. Hopefully a hermit who doesn't eat so much, though. :)

Gosh fuzz you have had a tough time. Hopefully the slow and steady approach will help to make lasting changes...

I'm off out for a curry for BIL's birthday tonight, so I made the effort to do the 2nd run of week 1 of c25k. My phone won't download the zombie run one, so I made do with another app called Get Running. Was careful with lunchtimes picnic, although I did absentmindedly scoff a half roll that a child handed me when they had done with it... I left the crisps and the chicken wings, but had a couple of mini sausages.

Have planned to have boiled rice and a lamb shashlik which is still mega calories but less than my normal pilau rice, lamb passanda and peshwari naan. And saag aloo...

Run was v wet, I'd have been better off in my swimming costume and goggles, but didn't want to terrify the locals! But I am now nearly at 11,000 steps for today and the planned curry plus the picnic only takes me to 1400 calories which is pretty good. Much less achy on this run than the first one.

Dammit. Birthday cake sabotage. Tomorrow there will be no cake. I couldn't resist...