I have got so fat I can't wipe my own arse

[Didthistomyself]

Not a poo troll. I wish I was making this up. Regular; name changed because I am so ashamed of myself.

Always been big, always eaten way too much but always had a good shape and been fairly active. Last few years been less active due to change in job and a surgical procedure I need. Now almost entirely sedentary.

I knew the weight was piling on. I knew I was too big to sit comfortably in a cinema seat without slotting myself in sideways. I knew I was too big for anyone to sit next to me on the train unless they literally had no other option. I knew I was too big to walk more than a few metres in a skirt without shredding my thighs until they bleed. I knew I was too big to go anywhere that I didn't know I'd be able to sit down and give my poor back a rest. I knew I was too big to wear anything but vast leggings and tent-like smocks. I knew I was too big to sit on an unfamiliar chair for fear it broke. I knew I was the reason our bed broke. I knew my constant acid reflux and diarrhoea were down to my diet.

And the worst of all: I knew I was too fat to conceive.

I knew that was the problem. I knew that's why I wasn't getting pregnant. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, and yet I ignored all of these things until I realised two weeks ago that I wasn't using the disabled toilet because I wanted more space for my bag and coat and it was cleaner; I was using it because only in there could I reliably spread wide enough and lean forward far enough to wipe myself properly. Like one of those people you see on TV who has to be washed in bed. Who have to have the wall taken down to get out of their house. That's where I was going.

Went to the GP and cried. They weighed me and I cried harder: 22st 13lb. And I'm short. I'm really short. Never mind over 30; my BMI is over 55 :(

I don't know how I have got here and how I will get back. It just seems like an impossible mountain to climb. There's so much to go.

My GP recommended a VLCD and cognitive behavioural therapy. Said it would get the weight off fast until I could have my surgery and then I might be motivated to carry on. Maybe I might be able to have a baby. I am lucky because at my health centre they have a dedicated obesity clinic. They are monitoring me closely.

Started a week ago. Weighed today: lost a stone. Miles to go, and I know that it will usually be more like 3lb, but it's something. It's a start. And today I went for a walk. Just a mile. It took me 40 minutes :(

I don't even miss food. What I miss is feeling like a normal person. What I miss is my husband talking about having children. What I miss is feeling like everyone doesn't stare at me when I walk down the street. What I miss is not thinking I am going to die before I'm 40.

Thanks to anyone who has read this. Just needed to confess to someone how bad it has got.

Great update and well done for sticking with in when it would have been so easy to reach for the takeaway menu.

It's not one big change it's thousands of little decisions taken throughout the day, every day about what to eat, what to drink, whether to exercise, and they all add up one way or another. It's tough and you are nailing it. Keep going.

at bangin' eyebrows.

Didthis THANK YOU for writing this thread! Reading your latest updates, about buying lipstick and new bras and feeling more feminine etc kind of had me tearing up after reading the entire thread throughout the day!

It's just what I needed to read as I'm struggling massively and need to lose at LEAST 5-6 stone to get the a healthy weight.

Also, got to love some bangin' eyebrows, I bet you look bloody amazing

DidThis you are doing so well - truly inspirational!

Also agree that you have a great way of writing. I particularly liked this:

I don't think anyone would think it strange for someone who doesn't eat at all to have therapy, so perhaps this is just the other side of the coin.

Completely true - just like people who don't have a weight problem can overeat and stuff themselves without anyone batting an eyelid whereas apparently fat people who overeat are 'disgusting'. It's a weird world.

So glad to hear you're motivated for the moment by your glorious successes and hope in due course the therapy will get to the bottom of things for you so you can straighten out your relationship with food for the long term!

25 lbs is amazing. And I completely know what you mean about having your foot in the door of normal stuff. You actually have a figure and that will emerge more and more as the weeks go by. I still get a thrill out of buying clothes in normal shops. It's almost as if I'm a normal person - oh wait, I am .

Well done on the emergency meal replacement solution. You are so in charge of this

Great going op.

I'm also sadly in the same boat. Been getting bigger & bigger. I have lost up to 5 stone twice before on ww & slimming world so a mix of procrastinating, feeling sorry for myself for various reasons & thinking 'I can easily lose the weight again' has got me bigger than ever. Ditto filling the fridge with healthy stuff then just eating crap-2 Young children & feel like I've no time to make healthy stuff for me.

I need a kick start & never thought about shake type diet but do need a quick start. I have always had a bad relationship with food & think I need to really address this. I'm constantly procrastinating about it & stupidly feel too ashamed to go back to sw. I like the idea of a 10 min walk in the morn & building it up.

Things that have helped me before particularly were making a spreadsheet filled with mini milestones & targets- my next half stone, into next half stone & stone bracket, bmi down a point, dress size & any little non scale victories (NSVs) like needing more water in the bath!, being able to buy clothes in a shop etc. this really lifted me on low days to view my accomplishments & you've had so many already.

I don't know how to get started now, though I do know there's never a right time. I really do think I've noticed people are a little sad looking for me or maybe a little disgusted at how much weight I've put on in the last year(s). I feel the same.

I'm really looking forward to hearing about your journey OP & you are doing brilliantly.

Vinoesmeralda - that's my mil's favourite wine :)

Love team arse btw!

Team Arse! is already helping me.

I'm studying for my final exams this week. Usually I motivate myself by inhaling chocolate. I came home last night with a punnet of strawberries instead.

I'm loving reading your updates! I've just re read your first post and I can totally sense a change in your outlook since then...you are amazing :).

Do you mind if I jump aboard?

Ive started using MFP this week. I weighed in at 21st 1 and I'm utterly miserable. I need to lose this weight for my children and husband but more importantly, for ME. I feel that I've become a nobody, only to be remembered for my weight.

I've had 3 really great days, staying within my calorie allowance but today I've also taken another big step. We went on a family bike ride :). I was embarrassed about setting off incase the neighbours saw but it was fine! I was worried as I knew there were hills to climb but I did it! We only did 3 miles but it's given me the confidence to go a bit further next time or even go out on my own.

It sounds like you are off to a great start MiloCat Well done!

Hi gang. Feeling a bit blue today. Read that thread about 'DH is being a monster upstairs', you know the one about treasuring moments with your children (it's in Classics now) and then sat on my bed and cried for a good hour with how much I want to be a mum and how much I want to give my DH a child.

I personally don't have a father. There was a man, obviously, but he was abusive in every way you can imagine and I finally went NC when I turned 21. As a result I never wanted children, because I couldn't risk it happening to them.

When I met DH it was like someone turning the lights on in a part of my heart that had always stayed dark. He isn't perfect, nobody is, but I know that he would never, ever, ever hurt his own child, no more than he would hurt me. He'd lie in traffic first. We've been together ten years and he wants a child very much, and I so want to be able to look at my own baby and tell them that I have got them the best daddy in the world, and right now I can't because I'm too bloody fat. I know plenty of slim people have fertility issues too, and I might get this weight off only to find I still can't conceive, but the doctor says my chances will improve massively. I'm already 34 and I'm so frightened that it's too late. I'm so frightened that I've eaten myself out of a chance.

Ugh. Focusing on something good instead: so the party I went to on Saturday somehow morphed from 'casual games night' to 'there's a hot tub and gin from a tap' and at first I was in a panic thinking I would have to leave because everywhere were girls in bikinis and drunken madness and I hadn't planned for that and I couldn't bear for people to be whispering to each other about how I obviously wasn't going in the hot tub because I am the size of a house. But actually then a lot of other clothed people showed up so it was fine! And I don't hang out with mean whisperer people anyway so I don't know why I thought that would happen, nor do I particularly like the idea of a hot tub with anyone other than DH even if I was thin as a rake! But I was quite glad when the games came out, I confess. I had a great time and I was driving so nobody thought it odd that I didn't drink.

PLUS SOMEONE NOTICED MY WEIGHT LOSS. My lovely friend murmured it in my ear, very discreetly, and it felt great

How are the rest of Team Arse doing on this blustery Monday? Welcome MiloCat - sounds like you are doing brilliantly! Great job on the strawbs loveareading - exam time is so hard. Evelyn you can ABSOLUTELY do this, I too have lost weight before and know how it feels to be staring down the barrel of that gun AGAIN, but you can do it! Love all your spreadsheet ideas - I need to make one with lots of mini goals too! Legion thank you for being so smart always, and letmeget you can totally do this! Preminstrel and TheDeafening, you are both so wise, thank you so much. YES to being a normal person whatever society says!!

Aw 34 isn't too old, it really really isn't.
Don't lose heart - keep going!

Na, the doom and gloom everyone is infertile hysteria is just that, at 34 you have LOADS of time, don't panic. Few of my friends even started planning their kids till they were older than you. Losing weight will make a big difference to your fertility.

Party sounds a bit strange but glad you had a nice time anyway. Nice to know someone's noticed, eh?

Didthistomyself you are properly awesome. Keep going.

Wow! I love this thread, go team arse! Didthis, I started at a very similar weight to yourself. Bmi was 53.3 I had my omg no more moment at the start of the year when I was dumped and completely heartbroken. I started with a pt and healthy eating. Unfortunately my great pt left and I've now got a mediocre one. However the stalled weightloss had made me start a vlcd too. I started on Sunday. Glad to see you're getting lots of support here, I love this site. How are you finding the Exante products?

Shamelessly place marking on this amazing thread.
did this you are truly an inspiration and I very much hope you succeed with your dream of a child of your own...I had my DD 6 weeks shy of my 40th, and was pregnant again aged 41 so you still have time on your side.

In the meantime, KOKO as they say, lots of us look forward to your updates

another with DCs born later - at 38 and almost 41 for me. I hadn't even started thinking at 34. You're right on track and doing exactly the right thing!

Oh didthis You haven't 'eaten yourself out of a chance' of anything. At 34 you have plenty of time to have a family even if you do have some fertility issues (and you may well not).

Keep going.

PS I bought some Go Walk shoes too and I LOVE them. I went for a walk in the park in a howling gale and got caught in a rain shower but my shoes felt good

I understand how you feel as I often look at my life and think about how I've ruined it due to my weight.

BUT.

At 34, you certainly have time to put this right.

I was 16 stone when I had dd1 and 20 when I had my twins. I know it isn't recommended but I went through both pregnancies without any problems that related to my weight at all.

Hope you're having a good week :).

My little victory is no binging for 7 days now :) :) :).

Hi Team!! Thank you SO MUCH to all of you for reassuring me about my age and fertility. I also had my head wobbled by a friend in her 50s yesterday who was in her 40s before she had her kids and is a fab, chilled-out mum. I'm feeling much more hopeful about things today :)

Especially as I HAVE NOW LOST TWO STONE in a month!!! Can't believe it. I don't believe a VLCD is my long-term solution but it is my short-term emergency solution, and I'm finding it really helpful in terms of my determination and morale. I saw my GP again and asked about risks, but the Dr says the benefits of getting the weight off quickly, when someone is my size, far outweigh them, and so long as I keep hydrated and take my vitamins I should be fine. The Dr also said I can expect to lose another stone in the coming month, which would be amazing as DH's Boss is having an event in a month, to which we are invited, and I've never met her so that will give me a confidence boost. I am also now 2lb from getting my BMI under 50, which will be fantastic. Still waiting for my CBT though...hope I can start soon.

I had my first moment of really being able to feel the difference on Wednesday. Went to a talk in a very familiar lecture hall, one in which I usually have to fold up my jacket or sweater to pad the edge of the seat as I don't fit in it and it's painful sitting on the edge. So humiliating...but now I fit in the seat! Only just, but I DO fit. And when getting on the train with DH, he sat down next to me and blurted out, 'Wow,' before he could stop himself, as he wasn't clinging onto the edge of the seat anymore

Speaking of DH, he has decided to try and lose some weight too. We were shopping for an outfit for him for this wedding tomorrow, as he is doing a reading and his usual uniform of faded T-shirt and torn jeans won't do. He couldn't fit into an L at H&M and had to have an XL at TopMan. When we got home he weighed himself and found his BMI is well over 30. We were both surprised, but he has taken up cycling to work again and is staying off the booze, which is great for me as a support and also, selfishly, I think it helped him to understand a tiny bit of what it is like for me to try and buy nice clothes, except I can't just waltz across the street to TopShop! Thank god for Asos Curve.

Since I got my GoWalks I've been averaging 5-6 thousand steps a day, which I'm really pleased about. I'm working my way up to 10. I'm trying to do little things like get the stairs instead of the lift. I'm going to upgrade my pedometer to a FitBit soon I think, as a little reward. I do love a gadget.

My plan for the wedding tomorrow is to enjoy the protein and veg on offer, but stay away from carby sides, cake and booze. I'll maybe take a bar with me as an emergency back-up. I'll maybe have a few sips of champagne for the toasts, but otherwise stick to fizzy water and just enjoy the event, and straight back on the VLCD in the morning! The bride's parents are both terminally ill so I think it's going to be one of those weddings where we all surround the family with love and support and squeeze every possible drop of joy out of the day. I certainly don't need food or booze to do that.

Hope everyone else on Team Arse is doing well Happy weekend!

Lovely positive update and great to hear that your DH is so supportive

I have been doing more exercise this week though it isn't showing on the scales at the moment but I am in perimenopause and weight loss is definitely not as easy as it was 5 years ago. Anyway I am feeling better for it and hoping that in the end the reduced calories/increased exercise will force my body into relinquishing some of it's ample reserves.

Enjoy the wedding and the weekend.

Just wanted to tell you what an inspiration you are, Ididthis! You have given me the kick up the arse I needed to get on with MY weight loss plans!

Go Idi
It's a tonic reading this thread!

Did you are fizzing with life and possibility! You are really doing something great

I absolutely love this thread! Op you are amazing !

I have my finger on the 'order' button for a 4 week Exante pack... I've never done anything like this before; all the diet clubs and calorie counting yes, but not a VLCD.

Have just ordered. Please can I join the team?