I have got so fat I can't wipe my own arse

[Didthistomyself]

Not a poo troll. I wish I was making this up. Regular; name changed because I am so ashamed of myself.

Always been big, always eaten way too much but always had a good shape and been fairly active. Last few years been less active due to change in job and a surgical procedure I need. Now almost entirely sedentary.

I knew the weight was piling on. I knew I was too big to sit comfortably in a cinema seat without slotting myself in sideways. I knew I was too big for anyone to sit next to me on the train unless they literally had no other option. I knew I was too big to walk more than a few metres in a skirt without shredding my thighs until they bleed. I knew I was too big to go anywhere that I didn't know I'd be able to sit down and give my poor back a rest. I knew I was too big to wear anything but vast leggings and tent-like smocks. I knew I was too big to sit on an unfamiliar chair for fear it broke. I knew I was the reason our bed broke. I knew my constant acid reflux and diarrhoea were down to my diet.

And the worst of all: I knew I was too fat to conceive.

I knew that was the problem. I knew that's why I wasn't getting pregnant. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, and yet I ignored all of these things until I realised two weeks ago that I wasn't using the disabled toilet because I wanted more space for my bag and coat and it was cleaner; I was using it because only in there could I reliably spread wide enough and lean forward far enough to wipe myself properly. Like one of those people you see on TV who has to be washed in bed. Who have to have the wall taken down to get out of their house. That's where I was going.

Went to the GP and cried. They weighed me and I cried harder: 22st 13lb. And I'm short. I'm really short. Never mind over 30; my BMI is over 55 :(

I don't know how I have got here and how I will get back. It just seems like an impossible mountain to climb. There's so much to go.

My GP recommended a VLCD and cognitive behavioural therapy. Said it would get the weight off fast until I could have my surgery and then I might be motivated to carry on. Maybe I might be able to have a baby. I am lucky because at my health centre they have a dedicated obesity clinic. They are monitoring me closely.

Started a week ago. Weighed today: lost a stone. Miles to go, and I know that it will usually be more like 3lb, but it's something. It's a start. And today I went for a walk. Just a mile. It took me 40 minutes :(

I don't even miss food. What I miss is feeling like a normal person. What I miss is my husband talking about having children. What I miss is feeling like everyone doesn't stare at me when I walk down the street. What I miss is not thinking I am going to die before I'm 40.

Thanks to anyone who has read this. Just needed to confess to someone how bad it has got.

ShelaghTurner welcome to Team Arse

Welcome Shelagh! Expect to be hungry and headachey the first few days, but if you can hang in there until day four, you will start to feel better. And on your day 7 weigh-in you'll feel great! If your results are anything like mine, and I don't see why they shouldn't be :) Sip lots of water throughout the day too.

Didthistomyself - I've read your thread and just wanted to say well done. From one of the most honest OPs I have every read on MN, I've just say here and read about the weight coming off, challenges you face, your love for your DH and wanting a child together so badly.

I absolutely applaud you and genuinely wish you the very best of luck on your journey. You are really doing this. X

Thank you. Like you I don't know if it's the long term answer but I need to get some weight off for health reasons and then I'll cross whatever bridges come next. Slightly excited, slightly nervous. Watching the door for the next few days. But if I can approach it with half the positivity and enthusiasm that you have I'll be well on my way.

First pack is due to arrive in an hour or so. Trying to work out what I can drink because it looks like my staples of builders' tea and diet coke is off the menu :(

Did this so happy for you and I'm really proud of you.

None of us can know what our future holds but you're taking steps to make yours as good as it can be and you've obviously had a lot to overcome.

I too love your writing style and would happily follow a blog.

Shelagh I drink: water, mint tea, green tea, redbush/rooibos tea (love this), the odd cup of regular tea if I'm out, Coke Zero (my fave!), Dr. Pepper Zero, Exante water flavourings with fizzy water, same with LighterLife grapefruit from Superdrug (I personally make this WAY weaker than it recommends), and more water, water, water. Evidently Coke Zero is ok because the acid won't bring you out of ketosis, but Diet Coke isn't as it has citric acid which will.

Down - thank you!

Well, the wedding was lovely. A very happy couple. I will confess I fell slightly further off the wagon than I had intended to, but got straight back on the VLCD yesterday morning despite wanting to stuff my face! Feeling good about that - literally can't remember the last time I didn't indulge on the morning after as well as the night before! And then it would just spiral into days and weeks of stuffing my face. At about 21:30 I realised that I was going to keep drinking and eating if I stayed - so I came home, took my make-up off, had a big drink of water and went to bed. Felt very virtuous

I do think this month is going to be tricky - there seem to be a lot of social events. I have decided I'm not going to drink booze for the time being as the wedding taught me that it really does affect my decision-making and willpower, plus I feel so anxious the next day, it's not really worth it. I've got my DM's birthday this weekend, a possible party with friends the week after, a visit to my borderline-alcoholic food-crazy family the week after that (going to need an iron-clad plan for that one) and then DH's work thing the week after that. Phew! This will be a real test of my determination.

As my totem I'm just picturing the seatbelt on the plane for our holiday in late September. Last time I needed an extension and had to be moved from the seat I'd booked as I couldn't fit in it. Of course I reacted to this by eating my weight in lard the entire time we were away so it was even worse on the way back This time I am determined not to need an extension - fifteen weeks to go!

How about a slogan

Don't lose heart! Lose Weight!

Just wanted to add my congratulations to the mix. Two stone is an enviable amount to lose in a month.

I have a ridiculously small amount to lose to get trim for my summer wedding.

Dieting is not a problem for me, losing weight is apparently.

I'm gluten, dairy and almost sugar free. So no bread, cakes, pasta, ice cream, chocolate.

Been gluten and dairy free for three years and sugar free 6 weeks and nothing is budging.

It's like despite what i do to it my my body is refusing to shed that extra poundage.

After my breakfast omelette we went out for the day and ended up having an Indian meal. I had 1 and a 1/2 onion bhajis and tandoori chicken and half the rice. I ate no more for the rest of the day. So, yes when I know I've overindulged I will cut back.

As much as I'm doing this to get rid of belly fat I'm doing it for health reasons so will keep plugging away but it's not easy :-(

Oh btw my DIL gave birth just before her 40 th birthday.

My other friend had her first at 34 and is now pregnant with third at nearly 41 .

Good luck with social events. Summer and Christmas can be a pita for that.

Yesterday we took a walk along the sea front! All those ice cream shops! So much worse in summer.

Oh and don't get me started on cutesy little tea rooms with home made cake!!!

I have decided I'm not going to drink booze for the time being as the wedding taught me that it really does affect my decision-making and willpower

Yy to that!
I gained for the first time last week. Yes I'd been out for a few meals but that's standard. It was the first time I'd had alcohol for over a month. I stuck to vodka & diet coke and knew I'd gone over my calories but thought I could pull it back the next day. Well I did pull the calories back the next day (still gained though!) but the cravings I thought I'd beaten weeks ago were back with a vengeance. Not going to have alcohol until my holidays now, just not worth undoing my hard work.

And yes, my holiday is my Big motivation right now - I want to be lighter than last year. It was a dress I'd bought for my holidays which started this whole thing. Ordered (from Asos curve - usually very generous) and I couldn't fasten it. Belly bulged out. I tried it on a couple of weeks ago and it fastened but still had belly bulge. Tried it on yesterday & while it's nowhere near flattering yet, I think it might have an outside chance of making it into my suitcase in 2mths time. I do feel slightly ashamed that I'm shallow enough for clothes to be my driver rather than health but whatever works eh?

We can do this.

Don't feel ashamed about clothes - clothes don't lie. While I haven't much weight I need to lose I am aware that I cannot let complacency set in - hence I have my Trousers of Truth which are getting a tad strained...

Whoops sorry that last post was mammoth and All About Me

GeekLove at Trousers of Truth.

Love the Trousers of Truth :o

Thanks for the drinks tips Didthistomyself. My pack has just arrived. I went for the shakes/bars as I'm really picky about food and hate everything except pizza, pasta, toast, cheese, cake, MacDonalds! Something I'll have to work on later.

Does sound like you've got a hell of a month coming up but you also sound like you've got the right frame of mind to get through it and that's 2/3 of the battle. I, on the other hand, have no life so I should be fine.

So I have the rest of today and tomorrow it all starts. Eek.

Breakfast - lemon and yoghurt cereal bar. Yum...

ShelaghTurner No life here either! Best of luck for your first week and don't beat yourself up if you go off-plan, just get straight back on it.

Down I think clothes are a great motivator. Certainly for me the prospect of wearing stuff I like as opposed to whatever fits me is very attractive - and I enjoyed sorting out my wardrobe into caches of each different size. Whatever works!!

Good luck today Shelagh - Katharine is right, stay positive even when you find it difficult!

Social event are really hard. You did so well especially to get back on track straight away the next day. I often feel like I've 'blown it' after ive broken a few rules which always leads to a massive binge..I'm sure you know what I mean!

How are you feeling at the end of your first day shelagh?

I'm almost at 2 weeks with no binging! . We did another family bike ride of 7 miles on Saturday and I've just been out ON MY OWN and done 6 miles! Feeling pretty chuffed with myself. I felt incredibly self conscious and just prayed to God that no one would heckle at the fat lass on a bike . Head down and music up was my strategy .

God, Didthistomyself I could have written most of your OP. Last week I broke a bed in a caravan!

Can I join you please? I'm doing Cambridge Diet, Red 2. Day one today!

I have 198lb to lose, but my head is finally in 'the zone'

OP it sounds like you're doing amazingly well. What a transformation! You sound so positive
You did really well at the wedding. Social occasions are harder when you're on a vlcd - you're in danger of being a hermit because it's easier.
How much have you lost now? Have you dropped a clothes size yet?

Sent you a PM Did

I'm so happy this week, I have lost enough to get back into my shorts I bought last summer. I wasn't going to buy a bigger size up, so was quite miserable thinking about a summer in just sweaty cover up leggins.

Thank you so much (again) Did for starting this thread and inspiring me with the proverbial kick up the arse! Team Arse are awesome

did thank you for this thread!!

Place marking on this lovely thread