I have got so fat I can't wipe my own arse

[Didthistomyself]

Not a poo troll. I wish I was making this up. Regular; name changed because I am so ashamed of myself.

Always been big, always eaten way too much but always had a good shape and been fairly active. Last few years been less active due to change in job and a surgical procedure I need. Now almost entirely sedentary.

I knew the weight was piling on. I knew I was too big to sit comfortably in a cinema seat without slotting myself in sideways. I knew I was too big for anyone to sit next to me on the train unless they literally had no other option. I knew I was too big to walk more than a few metres in a skirt without shredding my thighs until they bleed. I knew I was too big to go anywhere that I didn't know I'd be able to sit down and give my poor back a rest. I knew I was too big to wear anything but vast leggings and tent-like smocks. I knew I was too big to sit on an unfamiliar chair for fear it broke. I knew I was the reason our bed broke. I knew my constant acid reflux and diarrhoea were down to my diet.

And the worst of all: I knew I was too fat to conceive.

I knew that was the problem. I knew that's why I wasn't getting pregnant. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, and yet I ignored all of these things until I realised two weeks ago that I wasn't using the disabled toilet because I wanted more space for my bag and coat and it was cleaner; I was using it because only in there could I reliably spread wide enough and lean forward far enough to wipe myself properly. Like one of those people you see on TV who has to be washed in bed. Who have to have the wall taken down to get out of their house. That's where I was going.

Went to the GP and cried. They weighed me and I cried harder: 22st 13lb. And I'm short. I'm really short. Never mind over 30; my BMI is over 55 :(

I don't know how I have got here and how I will get back. It just seems like an impossible mountain to climb. There's so much to go.

My GP recommended a VLCD and cognitive behavioural therapy. Said it would get the weight off fast until I could have my surgery and then I might be motivated to carry on. Maybe I might be able to have a baby. I am lucky because at my health centre they have a dedicated obesity clinic. They are monitoring me closely.

Started a week ago. Weighed today: lost a stone. Miles to go, and I know that it will usually be more like 3lb, but it's something. It's a start. And today I went for a walk. Just a mile. It took me 40 minutes :(

I don't even miss food. What I miss is feeling like a normal person. What I miss is my husband talking about having children. What I miss is feeling like everyone doesn't stare at me when I walk down the street. What I miss is not thinking I am going to die before I'm 40.

Thanks to anyone who has read this. Just needed to confess to someone how bad it has got.

I've just sat and read this whole post and I'm in awe of you! Your determination is utterly amazing and I want to do this too! I'm on holiday at the moment but when we return home I'm changing my life. I'm sick of putting my life on hold. Thank you for my motivation xx

Can I join team arse? In a similar position and feeling quite inspired. Can I ask what the vlcd is if you don't want to put on here could you pm me please,thank you

To clarify I mean the make of vlcd/were to get it not what it is as I think its either that or a band/bypass for me

You should be so proud of yourself a stone is an amazing amount to lose well done x

VLCD = very low calorie diet.

So glad I found this post, today I have mostly sat in an armchair worrying about my weight and devouring crap food....
Yesterday I was walking around a theme park with aching knees and worrying about how rubbish I look.
Today your words OP have hit home, I have just got off my backside and made a salad for dinner and started some long overdue housework.

Thank you x Go Team Arse ????

Well done really, truly winning the battle of you mind is an amazing thing to do.

Remember every time your day hasn't gone as you hoped, it's only one day.

I'm so glad your day at HPW went so well. And I'm not at all surprised you're a Ravenclaw - could have predicted it!

A stone and a half you are Fab.U.Lous!!!!! It is great to hear, you are totally nailing this and deserve to have your self confidence soar. Very interesting to hear how the diet has changed you so psychologically that you're not so tempted by bad stuff. It sounds like you've really turned a corner.

I'm off to do some exercise now

A stone and a half is 10kg. If you feel bad or your resolve is slipping, get a bag and put 10kg (or whatever your current weightloss is) and carry it around for as long as possible. As well as a workout, it'll be a reminder.

Guys I will update properly a bit later (lost another 4lb yay!) but just wanted to say a massive THANK YOU to whoever recommended the Skechers Go Walk shoes. Got a pair and am going to order two more - so comfortable I could cry!!! This will really help me on my quest to get more mobile!

Fantastic! You're doing brilliantly. Keep going!

eatyouwithaspoon the VLCD I used was Lipotrim which you can get from some chemists. You do weekly weigh ins but it doesn't have the counselling that you get with Lighter Life etc (I think you get counselling with LL...) Anyway, I actually think they are basically all the same. I didn't want or need the counselling particularly - some do.

But for me I didn't particularly need to understand WHY I was overeating. I just was. And it wasn't anything particularly interesting - it was boredom and habit and fatigue and some comfort but nothing mindblowing. It was more important to just get on and shed a bit - and then having shed a bit, get more confidence and then take ownership of my weight going forward (as opposed to it feeling like it was not under my control and that I was being controlled by it).

PS, yes, Love my Go Walks

Hi OP! I just wanted to say what an inspiration you are. I'm having my own battle with food/weight. Your HW is around the same as mine was about 2 years ago. I got almost 6 stone of it off (due to gestational diabetes - I stuck very strictly to the low carb diet needed to keep my baby healthy) but it's been creeping up again (baby is now 19 months) and I'm waiting for CBT myself.
Reading your story has given me hope that it's possible to start trying to get the weight off again. Thank you!

Fantastic thread.

You are doing brilliantly OP. Your determination and enthusiasm are inspirational.

In fact I am so inspired that I am going to get some Skechers Go Walk shoes and join you

Hi Op

I think you sound brilliant! You had a 'eureka' moment and you took action on it by going to your GP - that took courage and determination. And what fantastic progress you've made, very inspiring to read (I am also overweight due to comfort/stress eating) and it's made me believe I can actually sort myself out too. Thank you. I'm going to follow this thread with great interest. And I agree, you write very well, very intelligently and engagingly. You've got another talent there.

On accessing NHS services - you should access all the help you need and please don't feel guilty about it. You call yourself 'Didthistomyself' and say you don't deserve the help as your problem was self inflicted. Well, it was, and it wasn't. Fine, you know how you put on weight and of course you know about healthy eating etc. But you didn't really choose to get so overweight. You didn't sit down one day and decide 'hey, I'm going to make myself over 20 stone, that'll be fun.'. There are reasons that you are going to explore (and yes, partly it'll be your family background and food pushing=love) and that had a psychological effect on you. You didn't choose to become so overweight any more than someone else chose to break their leg. You deserve all the help that is on offer - take it!

Welcome bungleberry, Legion, Magpie (amazing loss and a lovely baby, well done you!!!) and other new members of Team Arse! All are welcome here, especially those who feel like they have run out of hope. We're doling out the YOU CAN DO ITs on this thread!!

So, aside from the Go Walk revelation, I've some other things to tell. Last time we spoke I'd lost 21lb and had survived BIL's bday weekend. I have lost another 4lb this week, as I said above, so am now 3lb from 2 stone lost, and 5lb from getting my BMI under 50.

On Tuesday I had a bit of a crisis because I'd run out of meal replacement packs (I'm using Exante, eatyouwithaspoon, other VLCDs are available!) and my order hadn't arrived like it was supposed to, and it was too late to go to Superdrug where I know they sell LighterLife packs. Poor planning on my part. I did think about just eating a normal meal but I hadn't planned it and so felt like it would put me off course. Instead I got online, looked up some alternatives and ended up buying a few protein bars from the bodybuilding section in Sainsbury's! They weren't ideal - more calorific than my usual packs - but I wanted to stay in ketosis (as I understand this is what prevents me from feeling hungry/craving sugar on the VLCD?) and away from normal food. I survived on them until my VLCD order arrived, and felt very proud that I had looked for a solution which didn't involve a takeaway.

I've felt a bit dizzy some days but I am fairly sure this is dehydration. I've been trying to up my water intake and sticking with my packs. I won't lie, it is boring and I do think 'ffs I can't be arsed with this' sometimes, but knowing I am going to join in the celebration at my friend's wedding a week tomorrow is helping...I have done some reading and it seems a lot of VLCDs advise you don't eat normal food at all, but I am trying to learn this magical thing that people seem to be able to do where they enjoy a feast day but then don't let it turn into a week-long binge. I hope I can start my CBT soon as I feel like this is something I want to talk about. At the moment the euphoria of losing weight quickly is keeping me going but it will slow down and I am not cured, I've just found a crutch for now. Thanks for what you said, loveareading, that's lovely of you

Today I went into town for some retail therapy as lots of places were having sales and free gift days...bought some skincare bits (mostly for the free gifts ) and my Go Walks but was also able to buy some bras and two tops in Marks & Spencers. 25lb ago I don't think I would have been able to do that. They are just simple T-shirts (these, in fact) and they are a size 22 but they do fit me and it made me realise that 25lb ago I wouldn't have been able to walk in and buy something, even in that size. I felt like I wasn't a 'size' at all, I was just a vast blob wearing vast smocks and too-small leggings. Of course I was a size, but I didn't know what it was, which is weirdly alienating from your own body. Now I know I can wear size 24 jeans and size 22 T-shirts and yes, they are very big, but they are an actual size. Does that make sense? I'm at a size, and now I can aim for the next size. My foot is in the door and that feels bloody brilliant. I also desperately needed the bras but was putting it off as I couldn't face not being able to find anything to fit. But I did find several and they have made such a difference to my shape it's unbelievable. I look like a woman again! (Obviously women come in all shapes and sizes, but I do feel much more feminine.) A lot of things like this are happening: I've had my eyebrows done, I bought a new lipstick, I'm wearing earrings again. I'm remembering what it's like to take pride in my appearance.

DH and I are going to a friend's games night tomorrow and I will be able to wear jeans and a new T-shirt and a new bra and comfy shoes and my eyebrows look bangin' and however massive I might feel compared to the other women, I will know that I am 25lb less massive than I was this time last month! I've decided I won't be eating or drinking (saving it for the wedding!) but as I'll be driving it probably won't be a matter of much remark.

As usual, thank you all so, so, so much for your continued support and encouragement. You are all so lovely to cheer on a random on the internet like this. I think of this thread often, especially if I'm having a tough day, and it really does make a big difference. Cheers, vipers

P.S. Geeklove that's a great idea, I'm going to do that!!

Just caught up with your latest news Ihave. Your progress and your positive attitude are awesome! Keep going, you are an inspiration. And enjoy the party (but maybe be careful not to go overboard as your stomach may not cope too well). All the best x

I ment Didthis not Ihave!

Wow your determination is encouraging! I m more then convinced you are going to succeed if not going much further then you thought!

Love the way you plan social events and go get attitude!

Well done!

Thanks Zaza! I won't be eating or drinking at the games night...if you mean the wedding then I am just going to have the protein/veg on offer but like BIL's bday will avoid booze, desserts, bread etc. Feel this will mean I can join in but won't derail me :)

Thanks Vino...great username!!

Yes I meant the wedding - sounds like a good plan.