I have got so fat I can't wipe my own arse

[Didthistomyself]

Not a poo troll. I wish I was making this up. Regular; name changed because I am so ashamed of myself.

Always been big, always eaten way too much but always had a good shape and been fairly active. Last few years been less active due to change in job and a surgical procedure I need. Now almost entirely sedentary.

I knew the weight was piling on. I knew I was too big to sit comfortably in a cinema seat without slotting myself in sideways. I knew I was too big for anyone to sit next to me on the train unless they literally had no other option. I knew I was too big to walk more than a few metres in a skirt without shredding my thighs until they bleed. I knew I was too big to go anywhere that I didn't know I'd be able to sit down and give my poor back a rest. I knew I was too big to wear anything but vast leggings and tent-like smocks. I knew I was too big to sit on an unfamiliar chair for fear it broke. I knew I was the reason our bed broke. I knew my constant acid reflux and diarrhoea were down to my diet.

And the worst of all: I knew I was too fat to conceive.

I knew that was the problem. I knew that's why I wasn't getting pregnant. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, and yet I ignored all of these things until I realised two weeks ago that I wasn't using the disabled toilet because I wanted more space for my bag and coat and it was cleaner; I was using it because only in there could I reliably spread wide enough and lean forward far enough to wipe myself properly. Like one of those people you see on TV who has to be washed in bed. Who have to have the wall taken down to get out of their house. That's where I was going.

Went to the GP and cried. They weighed me and I cried harder: 22st 13lb. And I'm short. I'm really short. Never mind over 30; my BMI is over 55 :(

I don't know how I have got here and how I will get back. It just seems like an impossible mountain to climb. There's so much to go.

My GP recommended a VLCD and cognitive behavioural therapy. Said it would get the weight off fast until I could have my surgery and then I might be motivated to carry on. Maybe I might be able to have a baby. I am lucky because at my health centre they have a dedicated obesity clinic. They are monitoring me closely.

Started a week ago. Weighed today: lost a stone. Miles to go, and I know that it will usually be more like 3lb, but it's something. It's a start. And today I went for a walk. Just a mile. It took me 40 minutes :(

I don't even miss food. What I miss is feeling like a normal person. What I miss is my husband talking about having children. What I miss is feeling like everyone doesn't stare at me when I walk down the street. What I miss is not thinking I am going to die before I'm 40.

Thanks to anyone who has read this. Just needed to confess to someone how bad it has got.

WELL DONE and KEEP GOING

Well done so far didthis. Your story is inspiring.

I'm following your thread and you are doing so well. I hope you get that first milestone soon.

Thank you for posting Didthis , you've inspired me to get a grip on my rising weight! I've invested in meal replacements and have made sure I've got out for a walk the last 3 days - and will continue this as it's an effort to get going, but really enjoyable! Well done on your progress

Well done you for being so honest and making the first steps towards change. A stone loss so quickly is brilliant.

You've made such a healthy decision for yourself.

Hi Gang,

I am absolutely overwhelmed by people saying I've inspired them to look at their own health! I don't think I've ever been an inspiration to anyone before Knitfastdiewarm (great username!!) is right: I do feel as though we are all in it together on this thread. It is so wonderful to have you all with me.

Yesterday I went out for a walk again. I managed over two miles, took me an hour but considering the single mile that took me 40 mins just a couple of weeks ago I'll take that. My poor feet were a mess by the end again: I'm covered in Compeeds today, I look like the inside of the TARDIS. But on the walk I met several lovely dogs who were out enjoying the sun (with accompanying humans, I might add) and the most enormous gaggle of baby geese, like a tumbling yellow cloud, being herded along by several mummy geese. It takes a village! I love animals and it hadn't occurred to me that my increasing reluctance to leave the house meant I was missing out on the everyday animal interactions that bring a smile to my face.

I'm walking like one of those goslings today, thanks to my blisters and the muscle I seem to have pulled in my calf. From walking! Good lord. Mind you, as DH said, I've had aches and pains from my weight for long enough - it's a novelty to have a pain from exercise for once!

Food wise it is not all sunshine and goslings: I did have a few bites of a pasta dish that a relative had made. They were very insistent that I have some and I was not strong enough to refuse. I didn't even want the food, I just didn't want to upset her :( I was very cross at myself and now just feel sad about it. Perhaps the CBT will help with this, when it starts. I do think a lot of my food issues stem from my family, although I do NOT blame them: I am responsible for what goes into my mouth. It's just one of those families where, 'I don't want any,' seems to be translated as, 'I don't love you.'

Anyway, I was straight back on the meal-replacements, logged the extra calories and tried to move on. I've thrown in the towel so many times over a small thing like this: if I'd just kept going one of those times I wouldn't be in this state now! I'm determined that this will be the time I don't let small things derail me. I've joined the new Weigh In Sunday thread which I hope will help to keep me accountable.

Absolutely, just chalk it down to that day and start a new day afresh!

Didthistomyself
I do think a lot of my food issues stem from my family, although I do NOT blame them: I am responsible for what goes into my mouth. It's just one of those families where, 'I don't want any,' seems to be translated as, 'I don't love you.'

In a restaurant I was served the most enormous portion and only managed a quarter of it. The waitress asked if the meal was OK. I said it was delicious, but please could the chef serve smaller portions. She looked scared to tell him.

It takes a strong will to say "a few bites is all I need to savour the excellence of your cooking" - but you'll get there

Hi did, just wanted to say I was really moved by your first post and cheered by your most recent one. It sounds tough but you can do it bit by bit. If you have a bad day move on! It happens. Wishing you all the very best

Hi op hope it's going ok still. You've got me back on track! I lost a lot of weight a few years ago but as other have said the last couple of stone are hard as I no longer have the health issues to spur me on. But I'm getting there, thanks to you. I'm exercising (which I hate) and cutting down the chocolate. Also a pedometer is really useful. As I said I hate exercise but walking for a purpose is something I can do. So I'd walk to the shop, or walk to my meeting rather than drive or tube if I plan it right and I'm happy to do that. I probably still do fewer steps than the average person but I see the benefits of the good days when I compare them to my largely sedentary lifestyle.

love the description of your walk Didthis! Good for you for getting back on the wagon. Is it worth having a talk with your family about what you are doing, so they can support you better and hopefully not put you in such a tricky situation? FWIW, I grew up with absolutely a food=love family and I struggle with that still, especially in not trying to feed my daughters in the same way. It is really hard, but definitely a goal that's worth achieving for all of us.

Onward and upward people

Wow, I've just come across your thread and think you are inspirational.
You sound so determined. I can really imagine you will be one of those women who will one day be one of those weight loss success stories that others use to motivate them.

Happy Sunday, Team Arse!

I've got a lot to report.

Bad news first: had to have one of DM's cats put to sleep. He had been unwell for a long time but seemed to be turning a corner; then went incredibly rapidly downhill and two days in the hospital on fluids and steroids did nothing to help. Brought him home for a day and a night and then said goodbye to him yesterday morning. Awful, awful, awful. We are all heartbroken. DM couldn't face her fasting day (she's decided to do 5:2 as she is also extremely overweight and has a lot of the associated health problems) but I didn't let it sway me. Would normally have got in a huge takeaway and loads of wine, but it wouldn't bring him back, would it? Just make me fatter as well as weepy.

Good news: I have now lost a stone and a half and the Harry Potter World visit went very well. Nobody pointed at me or said anything mean. I did find the seats in the cinema part a bit of a squash, but I was able to walk around the whole place with only a couple of breaks for my poor blistered foot, and I didn't feel sweaty or huff-puffy as I think I would have done a stone and a half ago. I even consented to be in a couple of pictures. I think my confidence has been much improved by just knowing I am doing something about this mess.

Food news: There was also a meal for BIL's birthday before the HP tour (in fact that was the first of two - there's another one today ) and I had made the decision with DH that I would join in the meal, as I couldn't face sitting there with everyone staring at me and asking me about my bar or shake. I know I need to talk to them about not pressuring me, but I don't think I'm quite ready yet. I was really pleased with how it went: I chose really carefully, protein and veg, and didn't even come close to clearing my plate. I stayed away from the booze, sauces, desserts, sides, and really enjoyed what I did have to eat (chargrilled chicken and peppers, basically). It's funny how the VLCD changes what your body wants - I wasn't even remotely tempted by all the sweeties and Butterbeer etc at HPW. Instead I bought a hoodie in the gift shop. The biggest size, but it DOES fit me I am a Ravenclaw, if you want to know. The next time I plan to join in a meal will be for the wedding I am going to in two weeks. I really hope to have hit the two stone mark by then.

I hope everyone else is still doing well and feeling good. Bank Holiday weekends are hard, aren't they? I've made the decision NOT to attend the second birthday meal today, but to stick to my meal replacements and take DM to see Tomorrowland instead, where we will marvel at George Clooney finally starting to age.

P.S. At HPW I did not need to use the disabled toilets!

OP, your posts, especially your first post, are so honest and brave. I really admire you and wish you success

So glad to read this update. You're doing do well and seeing wins already.

I wthink my confidence has been much improved by just knowing I am doing something about this mess. Oh yes, this is so true. I actually feel really, I dont know empowered? because I've taken control. It's in my hands.

Well done - you're powering through this.

Well done OP.
I lost 5 stone a few years ago and I can remember the feeling when you realise your body actually does tell you when you are full. Even being very overweight I still had a functioning body. I just had to listen to it.

Team Arse!

So sorry for the poor cat.

So happy to hear the rest - you are doing so well!

I keep coming back here to read your updates - very funny about George Clooney - I thought so too, he's finally looking older!!!

Well done OP for losing a stone and a half and also for coming up with strategies for coping with feasting occasions. I was at HPW with the kids recently and the Butterbeer was extremely sickening - a couple of my kids couldn't even drink it so you didn't miss anything! Think of some rewards for yourself that are not food based. I love this thread you are a great inspiration - thanks for sharing!

P.S. I am also Ravensclaw! Got a scarf and a mug, see you in the Common Room next Alumni day x

Oh I love this thread so much! Well done OP!

Congratulations on your weight loss! I know the road seems long and hard but you just have to keep going :)
Sounds like you've got a supportive GP and of course mumsnet to count on too!
YOU CAN DO IT!

Jumping onto this thread late but wanted to add a "well done" of my own. I'm so impressed OP, you are doing brilliantly. Keep up the fantastic work.

Good luck and keep going my parents are very overweight and I wish I could bottle your enthusiasm for them to do something. Keep going the first it's the hardest ??

Keep going, you are doing so well! It's a marathon not a sprint and you might have stop on the way but you are going to do the whole 26 miles