I have got so fat I can't wipe my own arse

[Didthistomyself]

Not a poo troll. I wish I was making this up. Regular; name changed because I am so ashamed of myself.

Always been big, always eaten way too much but always had a good shape and been fairly active. Last few years been less active due to change in job and a surgical procedure I need. Now almost entirely sedentary.

I knew the weight was piling on. I knew I was too big to sit comfortably in a cinema seat without slotting myself in sideways. I knew I was too big for anyone to sit next to me on the train unless they literally had no other option. I knew I was too big to walk more than a few metres in a skirt without shredding my thighs until they bleed. I knew I was too big to go anywhere that I didn't know I'd be able to sit down and give my poor back a rest. I knew I was too big to wear anything but vast leggings and tent-like smocks. I knew I was too big to sit on an unfamiliar chair for fear it broke. I knew I was the reason our bed broke. I knew my constant acid reflux and diarrhoea were down to my diet.

And the worst of all: I knew I was too fat to conceive.

I knew that was the problem. I knew that's why I wasn't getting pregnant. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, and yet I ignored all of these things until I realised two weeks ago that I wasn't using the disabled toilet because I wanted more space for my bag and coat and it was cleaner; I was using it because only in there could I reliably spread wide enough and lean forward far enough to wipe myself properly. Like one of those people you see on TV who has to be washed in bed. Who have to have the wall taken down to get out of their house. That's where I was going.

Went to the GP and cried. They weighed me and I cried harder: 22st 13lb. And I'm short. I'm really short. Never mind over 30; my BMI is over 55 :(

I don't know how I have got here and how I will get back. It just seems like an impossible mountain to climb. There's so much to go.

My GP recommended a VLCD and cognitive behavioural therapy. Said it would get the weight off fast until I could have my surgery and then I might be motivated to carry on. Maybe I might be able to have a baby. I am lucky because at my health centre they have a dedicated obesity clinic. They are monitoring me closely.

Started a week ago. Weighed today: lost a stone. Miles to go, and I know that it will usually be more like 3lb, but it's something. It's a start. And today I went for a walk. Just a mile. It took me 40 minutes :(

I don't even miss food. What I miss is feeling like a normal person. What I miss is my husband talking about having children. What I miss is feeling like everyone doesn't stare at me when I walk down the street. What I miss is not thinking I am going to die before I'm 40.

Thanks to anyone who has read this. Just needed to confess to someone how bad it has got.

Just wanted to say I find your thread inspirational. I have been eating sensibly and exercising for six months now and have lost two stone two pounds. Whenever I see your thread in active convos I peek in to see how you are doing and it's amazing and motivates me too. Thank you & keep going.

Just dropping in to say congratulations! You're doing brilliantly and it's great to hear your updates. Keep going so we can all celebrate your next goal with you

Well done you!
Look at the difference in tone in your first and last posts - you're a completely different person.
Your journey is inspirational.

Me? I'm over on the Summer Sunday thread. Up to 23lb now. I know I could have lost more but it was important to me to do it in a way that fitted with my life or I wouldn't have stuck to it. Im feeling really good - I feel more like old-me. Happier, chattier, more confident.

YY to this: find that the booze really dismantles my decision-making apparatus as well as slowing down weight loss for a good 7-10 days afterwards

I'm virtually teetotal now but I'm celebrating a couple of things over the next week and I'm already dreading wincing at the scales. I'll be happy to stay the same...

Hi lads,

Great to get an update from you Down :) 23lb is an absolute load of weight and more importantly feeling happier in yourself!! Way to go!!

I've lost another 4lb, so my next few goals are in sight: 2 more lb to a 15% body weight reduction is first up.

What I wanted to talk about here was something which came up now I have started my CBT. We've discussed some fairly generic stuff about wanting, subconsciously, to 'protect' myself by being very big (I suffered some abuse as a child unfortunately) and the feelings of comfort etc from stuffing myself. But something came up which I had totally buried in my mind and when it came up it amazed me. I just kind of blurted it out and then went, '....wait...what?'

My family used to hide food. I had completely forgotten. Both sets of grandparents did it, and other relatives too, to an extent. They would hide food around the house and I was encouraged to hunt it down. It was like a game where I had to find it without being 'caught'. If I did so, I could eat it and get praised for being clever and get some OTHER treat like a magazine or watch a TV programme or YET MORE FOOD. I checked this with my DM and after a bit of subject-changing she admitted that this really did happen and I was not imagining it.

I had great relationships with my grandparents who were all wonderful people but all died, sadly, when I was still very young. I was absolutely devastated by the loss and it suddenly made sense to me that this secretive binging behaviour, this planning and hunting without getting caught and eating it all must have been a way for me to recreate that feeling of love which I had lost.

But I mean...who does that? I don't even know where to start with that. Way to set up a child with a fucked-up relationship with food. And I didn't even actively remember it, which is the scary part to me. My brain had hidden that from me but was clinging to the resulting behaviour. In CBT she said this is apparently quite common - to remember something that acts like a puzzle piece in this way - but I was just flabbergasted. I am sure that my grandparents thought this was a cute, fun game and would be horrified to think it had damaged me, and don't get me wrong - I am an adult now and what I put into my mouth is my own responsibility. But it just kind of drew back a veil and I could see clearly for the first time why this secret eating is satisfying and pleasurable in a way that eating socially is not. It also now makes sense to me that I have that weird anxiety about missing out, or not getting my share, if I've been thinking of food all these years as both love and the prize in a competition.

So...I mean, now I know that, it doesn't fix it, but at least I can examine it and my therapist is helping me. I only get a few sessions on the NHS - for which I am immensely grateful! - but depending on how I feel at the end I might consider paying privately.

In less serious news, I went for a new contract...just a small project on the side of my current job, but I don't think I would have had the confidence to do so before I started. I am still very big but there is a difference between 22st13 and 19st9. There's a big difference!

Bravo for keeping with this regime. It is so easy to fall off the wagon.

I think a lot of us mess up children, without intention. I have one who is picky, almost to the point of phobia, courtesy of a nut allergy. And another who's copied that behaviour, and can string a meal out for an hour. Which tells me that she's had a snack and she's not hungry. We allowed it as parents, we buy the food that comes into the house. Me, who eats too fast, DH who likes to graze the whole evening. Bad habits all round. Ugh.

Oh wow what an insight!
I bet a lot of stuff slots into place now.

Good stuff on your latest loss too. On another thread I said I picked up a 15lb weight and was staggered by the heaviness and how I'd lost 1.5 x that - well you've lost THREE TIMES 15lb and your body must feel so different and must be thanking you for it.

didthis
Wow, just wow.
So your relationship with food was formed in ways you never knew, before you could remember.
Hopefully with that insight and the CBT you can make a new version.

FWIW my late MIL had a totally dysfunctional relationship with sugar that she always blamed on rationing
and caused huge amounts of stress when my kids were small

and being under 20st is a splendid leap in the right direction

What a helpful insight. It might help you to know that your Grandparents didn't mean to cause you any problems with this game and would be sorry you have developed a problem because of them, and they would be so pleased for you to stick to your diet and get over it.

Congrats on your recent goals didthis I've just popped back and its great to see how well you've done!

Hiiiiiii Team Arse I have been AWOL! Sorry! Things got super busy (I did get that new contract, hooray!) and I went away on holiday with DH for a while which obviously resulted in not very much weight loss BUT for the first time in my life I got home and got BACK ON MY DIET, and all the extra weight dropped off in a week I'm learning!!

As of this morning I have now lost just over three and a half stone AND surpassed my goal of losing 15% of my start weight. I am just .8 of a pound short of my 50lb goal. Then I'll need to set some more goals!

I am also now fitting into some size 20 tops and am hopeful that my smallest pair of 24 trousers will soon start to get too big. My biggest pair of size 22 trousers fit me nicely now. I am really, really hoping that I can get into some size 20 trousers and size 18 tops by my holiday in late September, for which I have to get on a plane and would REALLY like to not need a seatbelt extension for the first time in years!

Also TMI but I had a proper period for the first time in absolutely ages which has thrilled me because one of my major motivations for doing this is to be able to conceive and safely carry. I feel like all this is really starting to pay off and it just motivates me to keep going!

Hope everyone else is doing well. Sorry for lack of updates and as always THANK YOU so much for your lovely supportive comments. They really gee me up

surpassed my goal of losing 15% of my start weight

You are amazing.

BUT for the first time in my life I got home and got BACK ON MY DIET, and all the extra weight dropped off in a week

Your head is in the right place.
Your body will now follow.
GOOD

Well done you an amazing achievement, you are so motivated.

well done you, that is fantastic. I have lurked on this thread for a while, and I am delighted for you.

Well done, Didthis! Your first post was so moving I had to scroll through the whole thread to track your progress and am so pleased you are still doing so well. Keep going, it will all be worth it!

Fantastic - well done you xx

Wonderful news. I check your thread every now again and am so pleased for you.

It's not TMI, but it is certainly a Good Thing. It must be great, your body and you getting back in touch with each other. You have done so well. Keep going. You've got a few weeks yet, to slip into that seatbelt.

(It's you that matters of course, and it's about what you want and need to do, but I bet your dh is happy for you, too.)

Absolutely amazing. What an inspiration you are.

You've done so well OP. I've been following your thread and I'm really impressed with your mental strength. You are amazing!

didthis you are amazing.

I would highly recommend private therapy. That's what I've done for a whole year and I'm now ready to tackle the weight as I wanted to tackle my mind first to deal with my weigh demons. I'm on day 3 of a VLCD and feel great. And I'm totally inspired by you. I'm definitely joining Team Arse if that's ok!!!?

Just wanted to wish you luck on your journey . Think positive , you have made the 1st steps to loose weight & I believe you will do it. You have done well to loose 1 stone so far ...keep thinking ahead & imagining you having. Better quality of life . One way or another you will do it , and I so hope you can fulfil yours & dh wish for a child x x

You're doing amazingly well!

I've only just seen this thread but have read through all your posts. Just... WOW! You are awesome :)

I also wanted to say your post about 'food panic' REALLY struck a chord with me. Totally. I also feel like that bit in Friends "JOEY DOESN'T SHARE FOOD!" I really do freak out at the idea of not having more of a treat. I am really, really trying to actually enjoy sharing nice food now. So instead of buying a cake just randomly and then giving the DCs a tiny bit and scoffing the rest myself, I am getting these things only when we have friends or family round to enjoy them together, or making a concerted effort to share it properly with the DCs and not keep it secret. The other week I got a small cake and for the first time EVER I actually cut proper slices and we had the correct serving size.

I haven't rtft but just wanted to send a hug and say well done for making a start and for being so brave and honest. I wish you well, it will take time but I know if I did rtft it would be packed with people patting you on the back.

How are you doing OP?

I've just seen this thread and am hoping you are still enjoying all your success. :)