I have got so fat I can't wipe my own arse

[Didthistomyself]

Not a poo troll. I wish I was making this up. Regular; name changed because I am so ashamed of myself.

Always been big, always eaten way too much but always had a good shape and been fairly active. Last few years been less active due to change in job and a surgical procedure I need. Now almost entirely sedentary.

I knew the weight was piling on. I knew I was too big to sit comfortably in a cinema seat without slotting myself in sideways. I knew I was too big for anyone to sit next to me on the train unless they literally had no other option. I knew I was too big to walk more than a few metres in a skirt without shredding my thighs until they bleed. I knew I was too big to go anywhere that I didn't know I'd be able to sit down and give my poor back a rest. I knew I was too big to wear anything but vast leggings and tent-like smocks. I knew I was too big to sit on an unfamiliar chair for fear it broke. I knew I was the reason our bed broke. I knew my constant acid reflux and diarrhoea were down to my diet.

And the worst of all: I knew I was too fat to conceive.

I knew that was the problem. I knew that's why I wasn't getting pregnant. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, and yet I ignored all of these things until I realised two weeks ago that I wasn't using the disabled toilet because I wanted more space for my bag and coat and it was cleaner; I was using it because only in there could I reliably spread wide enough and lean forward far enough to wipe myself properly. Like one of those people you see on TV who has to be washed in bed. Who have to have the wall taken down to get out of their house. That's where I was going.

Went to the GP and cried. They weighed me and I cried harder: 22st 13lb. And I'm short. I'm really short. Never mind over 30; my BMI is over 55 :(

I don't know how I have got here and how I will get back. It just seems like an impossible mountain to climb. There's so much to go.

My GP recommended a VLCD and cognitive behavioural therapy. Said it would get the weight off fast until I could have my surgery and then I might be motivated to carry on. Maybe I might be able to have a baby. I am lucky because at my health centre they have a dedicated obesity clinic. They are monitoring me closely.

Started a week ago. Weighed today: lost a stone. Miles to go, and I know that it will usually be more like 3lb, but it's something. It's a start. And today I went for a walk. Just a mile. It took me 40 minutes :(

I don't even miss food. What I miss is feeling like a normal person. What I miss is my husband talking about having children. What I miss is feeling like everyone doesn't stare at me when I walk down the street. What I miss is not thinking I am going to die before I'm 40.

Thanks to anyone who has read this. Just needed to confess to someone how bad it has got.

Hi Team Arse! I've been gone for ages, feels like. Having a mad time in terms of deadlines and career pressures, but am happy to report I'm still on plan

Well done Katharine!! That must feel really wonderful :) Yay for getting back into clothes!!

Purple I think I have gone down a size or so but it's hard to tell because I was wearing clothes which were clearly too small but were stretchy so I kept wearing them or bought clothes which were actually too big but I just wanted to hide in a tent

I can now wear a number of things from my wardrobe which were too tight before, and have been able to chuck out some of the more tent-like garments, hooray! It's so hard to be specific with sizes because I've got, for example, one pair of size 22 jeans which I can do up but can't wear yet due to epic camel toe, but also a pair of size 24 jeans which I can't even get over my arse Then another pair of size 24s which are starting to get too loose on the waist So who can even tell??

What I'm finding in general, with my clothes, is that while I can't shop to my taste yet, I can open my wardrobe and choose an outfit which is appropriate to the activity, as opposed to 'what can I bear to squeeze into today'. Today I'm working from home, so am in leggings and vest top and kimono, but that's because it's comfy, not because it's the only thing I can get into, IYSWIM.

What I do know is I've lost 31 pounds so far one more pound and that'll be 10% of my starting bodyweight, which MUST come with some health benefits. And my BMI is now 49, which feels GREAT considering when I started it was over 55!! Next major goal is to get to 3 stone lost, which will bring me down under 20 stone for the first time in a LONG time.

I'm finding the plan more or less easy to stick to. It's boring but there's no guesswork or opportunity to kid myself, which I like, and I find that on social occasions I make better choices because I know I've got to go back on plan the next day. So, for example, because I'd found a hangover on a VLCD pretty grim after the wedding, when we went out for DM's birthday on Friday I didn't drink, and chose dishes which didn't come with rice or naan (Indian food) but instead focused on really nice protein and veggies. Being on the VLCD has meant I've lost 5lb in the last fortnight despite the wedding and the birthday, so at the moment my scheme of sticking rigidly to it and then relaxing a bit for social occasions seems to be working. Planning to stick to it with no breaks now until a family weekend away in two weeks, for which I need to plan RIGIDLY to avoid being guilted into feasting on lard.

I'll see the GP again on Friday and really hoping I can start my CBT soon. I've been doing lots of tidying and sorting and general organising in my life - definitely in the right frame of mind to get my brain tidied up too!

How is everyone else doing? I've seen a few of you on the Summer Sunday weigh-in thread - great going!!

Hi Did - I haven't posted on your thread yet but read it in the early days and just came back to it now. I am SO impressed at your determination and the fact that you have stuck with this. It's really, really impressive. Well done and do keep us updated.

Well done - not just on the weight loss but on the change if mind set too. I've pretty much given up alcohol now although I was watching Graham Norton on Friday night and his glass of white looked beautiful! But yeah, agree with you that the day after (and the stodge cravings) is worse than blowing my calories on the booze itself.

I get you on the clothes too. I have two pairs of identical jeans only one is skinny leg and the other is straight leg - one pair are hanging off me and the other are hideously camel toe - they're the same flipping jeans! Same size & brand & style - just different leg shapes.

31 lbs is amazing. If you tried to carry a bag of 31lbs you'd really notice so how brilliant that you have shed that and made every day living that much easier already! I know it doesn't always feel like that immediately but your body must be noticing and thanking you for what you are doing.

Great update did - really fab to hear how well you are doing.

Didthis I think you are incredible.

Well done Did. That is 31 lb in a month. Almost 10% of your weight in just a month - that is a hell of an achievement. One month ago did you think you'd be saying that?

You really sound like you're addressing your family's approach to food too - taking away from being what you show love with. I really hope I don't sound patronising or a dick, but it will be such a strong environment you bring children into that you have been able to tackle that (My family are very much focused on food as both love and status and I've struggled with weight as a result)

Well done Did. You are a real inspiration to me as I can relate so much to your situation. Well done on your weight loss so far.

Wow - just popped onto the weightloss boards and saw this thread - congratulations Did, that's a huge achievement!!

Just wondering how you are getting on. I'm in a similar predicament and have just started slim and save which is a vlcd I'm only on week one, and I already feel so much better - just because I have taken the first step in taking control. You've got this. X

That's an amazing loss! Must be brilliant watching the numbers change each week. Bloody well done.

Can I sneak in and join Team Arse?
I restarted Exante on Tuesday and have MANY stones to shift. The support on this thread is amazing and I'm definitely saying NO to the seatbelt extender when I fly off on holiday come October, come hell or high water!!!

Fantastic weight loss Op. I bet you feel so proud.

It's lovely too having more clothing choices isn't it and also comforting to know that by feeding your body well you are going to avoid horrible diseases in the future that are related to bad diets.

Wow, you are Doing fantastic.

That's half a sack of potatoes you where carrying around every day.

Welcome spancake, mrssmith and others to Team Arse! We will definitely beat those dreaded seat belt extenders away!

I'm so chuffed to have now hit two and a half stone lost Just 7 pounds to go to three stone, which will also take me under 20st for the first time in a very long time. Hoping to get there for SIL's graduation in July.

I had a wobble on Father's Day. It's a hard day for me and after playing the dutiful DIL for my (lovely) FIL I tripped and fell into a takeaway But do you know, I could only eat about a quarter of what I used to. I suddenly thought, 'you are FULL and keeping forcing the food in won't magic you up a nice Dad' so I binned the rest and got straight back on the shakes. I'm not beating myself up; this is no quick fix and I've got a lot of work to do to get the root of things. The important thing is that I keep trying and that I am honest, here and in my RL, about the struggle.

We bought a car this week and I felt much more confident about getting in to check it out. No worrying about the seatbelt or fitting in behind the wheel! And then we drove to Next to get DH some new work shirts and I bought a top too. From Next! Off the peg! It's such a long time since I could buy anything in person. I've got to be careful not to spend loads of money and instead enjoy 'shopping' in my wardrobe for clothes that I can now get into!

Health wise I feel loads better. I can stand for longer, walk for longer, I don't sweat so badly. I am still very big but losing 10% has made a massive difference. To people just starting out I would say focus on that as your first major goal, because the benefits are huge!

Big day tomorrow: giving a presentation, running a seminar, having a performance review. I will not be tempted to partake in celebratory/conciliatory wine or pub food as I'm going to be very busy and driving my new-to-me car!

Hope everyone else doing well. How are you newbies finding the VLCD? First few days are rough but first weigh-in SO worth it!!

amazing progress, you're sounding so much happier than in the beginning of this thread. you're going to lose soooo much more I just know it

yeah for you DID! Sending you warm, weight-lossy vibes from Australia. So pleased to hear of your progress.

Your doing fantastic xx

Have lurked on your thread, and can't resist saying well done and what good news. That was a lot of potato carrying you were doing.

You are right about the 10%. Our vet says this about large overweight dogs, and he's right - the dog doesn't know 10% is meant to make a difference, but it really does.

You are obviously on a roll well, obviously not of course so keep going. Apparently 15% does the next stage of making a difference, vet-wise

Hi lads, just checking in!

Well, the family weekend was very interesting. In the end I did not do so badly as I had feared. I did join in the meals - the relative hosting is the most spectacular cook - but for the first time pretty much ever I managed to stop eating when I was full.

Now that I'm not eating traditional food very often, I have been able to examine my reactions on the occasions when I do, and I identified a peculiar feeling/emotion which I can only describe as a food panic. It especially happens when I'm in a social situation and sharing food/booze with other people - say a wedding with a finite amount of wine on the table, or a family meal where everything is served in dishes and we all help ourselves.

I find myself watching other people like a hawk to see how much they take and mentally calculating how much I can take without looking like I'm depriving other people, but still making sure I get more than anyone else. I know that sounds insane! I really didn't know I was doing it until I started this VLCD. It's as if I start to panic that the food is going to run out before I get my fair share...but of course that isn't the case, and even if it was, I live in a major English city and have a good job. Even if all the food in the house ran out I could just go to the supermarket! And the really interesting thing is this doesn't happen on the VLCD. I don't look at other people eating food and feel that rush to get mine before it's too late. It's like I've removed myself from the situation so when I see people eating, they're just eating, they're not somehow eating food of which I will therefore be deprived.

I wonder if this is linked to the fact that when I binge, I binge alone, where nobody can see me, and I eat the most extraordinary amounts of food. It can't ever be just a little treat. Even now, when I fantasise about cheating on the VLCD, I don't imagine getting one slice cake/kebab/whatever, but masses. A whole cake. Three Big Macs. A family-size pizza. Eating until I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack. Eating until I am sometimes, literally, sick. Eating until it feels like something is going to rupture inside me. What on Earth is it about that horrible feeling that I seem to want?

So it was a real personal victory for me that this weekend, I joined in the meals and I had a bit more to drink than I was planning, but I did stop when I could feel my body telling me that I had had enough. I'm really pleased with that. It's showed me that I CAN eat reasonably in social situations, if I really put my mind to it, and not get in a panic about not having my fair share. I CAN have a treat that doesn't end in physical pain and considerable emotional distress. But what I still need to understand is WHY the idea of sharing a reasonably-sized treat, or only getting one glass of wine, is somehow more distressing than not having the treat at all? WHY do I want to eat until it hurts? WHY do I feel so threatened when eating socially?

I'm starting my CBT this week (hooray!) and will be really interested to examine this. I did not grow up in a house where there wasn't enough food so I have no idea where it comes from.

Gosh, that was a lot of navel-gazing! How is everyone else getting on? Good I hope. At least in this heat one doesn't feel like eating anyway! I have lost another 3lb so now I'm 2 away from 40lb and 4 away from the three stone mark! Really hoping to get there by SIL's graduation in two weeks, but have a BBQ at DH's Boss's house this weekend to contend with first...!

Keep on trucking, Team Arse

You are just so inspirational ! I love reading your thought provoking and intelligent posts . Well done keeping going, you will definitely get there !

I've been lurking on this thread but I just wanted to say thank you for posting about your binges, I'm exactly the same when I binge but I can't talk about it because people look at me with open disgust when I admit how much I semi-regularly put away. This just makes it worse and I'm even more embarrassed and secretive. For about ten years now, at least once a week (or, during rough patches, every single day ), I would put away entire packs of biscuits, family sized bags of crisps and bars of chocolate, a five-pack of doughnuts, big bags of gummy sweets, bowls of ice cream or sugary cereal... in one sitting. I'd sit it all in front of me with Netflix on and systematically munch my way through all of it. I desperately don't want to give in to it but it's like an itch in my brain and I'm physically uncomfortable until I finally snap and binge.

I'm 18 days binge free now thank to low carbing, the longest in about two years.

You're doing brilliantly, I love reading your updates.

I understand that binge feeling. Feeling like I will miss out and at the same time not wanting to look greedy.
I found I lurked at the end of buffet lines. This way I could convince myself that people hadn't been deprived before I followed behind and cleared the rest away.
I'm so pleased for you and your progress. I can't wait to see you continue to succeed.

Helena and Flim, thank you so much for posting. It's a feeling/compulsion I've really struggled to identify/articulate before, and knowing other people go through it too makes me feel less like a freak! Helena, I absolutely know that feeling of Netflix on, food all lined up, and hours lost to systematically chomping through it. Not savouring it, not enjoying it, just trudging through it so that 'itch' you describe can be scratched. I am really happy that you are currently enjoying a binge-free period! Yay for you!

Flim, you used the past tense - do you find that you now cope better with social eating? Do you mind sharing any tips with me?

[TRIGGER WARNING]

Absolutely, I didn't actually taste any of the food after the first couple of bites, it was just the comfort of the sugar and stodge and feeling full to bursting. It was like stress relief, except that I'd done from one form of self harm (cutting myself) to another. I feel the same kind of calm after a binge, then the comedown with the guilt and disgust that I'd "let myself" do it again. And then comes the hiding of the food packets...