Not sure whether to post or not, but this thread, whilst witty and entertaining, reads like a "how not to eat" manual 
All this dieting and temporary fixes, all these f*cked up faddy eating habits, non of it sustainable long term, ergo the weight comes off, the comes back when you start eating as you used to BD (Before Diet).
Sorry to piss on your chips, though maybe that si exactly what is required, but the bad news is that all this faddy eating (diets, laxative teas) messes with your metabolism and gets you further and further from a healthy body.
Not going to say: eat less, move more, as it is NOT simple like that.
But make small changes bit by bit, a bit less booze, no chocolate bars, a bit more fruit and veg, fewer puss, and just tweak your daily diet.
This famine and feast mentality is a road to nowhere.
And you CAN lose the weight, for ever, by slowly (baby steps) changing how you eat.
But there is no such thing as a quick fix, as long term they end up making you fatter!!!