Family stressing me out

[TheAquaPoster]

Me and my partner have recently got engaged. We’ve been together a long time- childhood sweethearts and have 3 children together. We are super excited and have really loved looking at different ideas already.

however my family are doing my head in already. We’ll be paying for the whole thing and never expected any help towards it.

my mum wanted us to get married abroad saying it’s cheaper, it’s a package and it’ll be lovely and hot- basically she loves her holidays and saw this as an opportunity for one. we’ve decided against this as some of the people who we’d want to be there won’t be able to come for various reasons health, money etc. her face was one of disappointment when we said we wouldn’t be. Making comments to our friend how we should.

we’ve found a couple of venues we like, and want to view but my sister (I’m close to her) starts giving opinions on everyone. And has been looking herself for venues- ones which the bridal party (where she’s included) can stay over the night before. The one we picked out to view is a lovely woodland venue- which is right up our street. Has amazing reviews. Within our budget.
showed her photos all I got was laughing emoji’s and what if it’s raining? What if it’s cold? I explained that we like it ans want to view… and she went “well it’s completely different to what I thought you’d both pick. Not a barn in sight?” Give up! I’m meant to be excited but I feel overwhelmed and it’s only early days.
I’m also stressing as my dad’s an arse, a bully and narcissist and he’s making it about him already “how he’s the father of the bride…. He wants a blue suit…. How he’s just like the father of the bride film! FML.
if he comes and gives me away, that’s at least 10 family members of his side and mums side that won’t attend probably that I am close to love and adore because my dads fallen out with and verbally abused them all
and then to top off. FIL is excited chatting away about the wedding as is my SIL. Whilst my MIL (who hates me always has and has been vile to me for years I have no idea why or what I’ve done) gave us complete silence not even a congratulations just sat with a face like a slapped arse the whole evening. Didn’t mutter a single word.

and then today my sister FaceTimed me she was with my mum and our friend (bridesmaid) and my mum was also slating the venue we like…. You can’t expect people to sit on benches… it’s not disabled friendly… being really snappy at me but trying to do it in a jokey way but was deadly serious.
and then the most hypocritical moment was if we liked somewhere further afield … how will people get there? You’ll have to chip in on a coach for everyone won’t you? Same person who wanted us to get married abroad because it suited her.

please tell me I’m not the only one who had family like this

I have to agree with this.

You are unhappy that your MiL is staying out of it, and you are unhappy that your Mum and sister are sharing their thoughts.

It is sort of implied that initial thoughts and ideas being discussed with someone invites their opinions. If you don't want people's opinions, then don't discuss it with them.

I'm inclined to agree that booking an outdoor wedding in the UK that doesn't have a ready made venue on the same site to be able to automatically transfer into is incredibly optimistic if you are in the UK.

I don’t think my mil not even congratulating us is her keeping out of it- it’s just her being rude, im not sure why I was expecting anything if I’m being honest looking back at it. I fully want my mum and my sister involved I just think it’s a bit rude of my mum to be annoyed with us for not having a wedding abroad because in her own words she wanted another holiday. And then for her to imply that I haven’t thought about those with mobility issues and say how selfish our venue choice would be. Just rudeness all around. Again it’s hard to put across online without writing out a full family history of my parents and my partners parents. I was just wondering if anyone else had had similar issues with families when getting married. Maybe I have different ideas of manners compared to them I don’t know, share thoughts fare enough. But to outright call me disappointing and selfish because it’s not the place she wanted us to have is a bit much in my opinion

Could you elope? Don’t tell a soul and just do it?

They all sound insufferable tbh.

The only thing I would agree on is bench seating. I would be unable to attend a wedding that didn’t have proper seating.

The venue did have options for chairs instead of the benches in the brochure. But we have opted for a different venue, because at viewing we realised how close it is to the river with easy access to it. Our little boy will be 5 he’s non speaking and autistic and has a tendency to run off with no sense of danger- so that completely shut that venue down. It’s beautiful but just wouldn’t be worth the risk.

we have now found the perfect venue and have put a deposit down! So excited!

my sister has calmed down and actually apologised. My mum on the other hand is still being hard work- no matter how I play the whole wedding planning thing.

this evening infact, they came round for a take away with my uncle who actually told my mum she’s being rude and said to stop being negative.
tonight was:

• top table- we’re having our children sit with us at the top table. This wasn’t a planning conversation, just brought up in chat with my uncle who said that was a nice idea- we can also keep an eye on our little boy. My mum then went “well where am I sitting? I’m the mother of the bride- I should be up on top table that’s what usually happens… I’m not just sitting anywhere!” Again I said to her we’ve already decided that right at the beginning so our son feels comfortable and we would feel more comfortable.
• wedding singer- my uncles stepdaughter (my cousin) is getting married next year and he was chatting to me how she’s chosen a wedding singer for the ceremony and how good she is when he was shown clips of her. I said yes we’ve found a great one. Then comes my mum “a bloody singer who the hell has a wedding singer” I showed him the one we had found. My sister said she’s really good that she’d heard of her from a work event she went to. My mum then went “she’s fu*ing sh*… I can do better than that” then started laughing my uncle told her to stop being negative about everything its getting on his nerves. and she just tried to laugh it off.

so it’s not me finding it rude.
my partner mentioned earlier today about going away and getting married and not telling anyone. But we’ve paid the deposit now and we love the venue so much. And we’re excited planning it together. I’ve kind of just got to switch off from mum- my sister is being ok now thank god let’s hope it lasts

Well done op. congrats on your venue choice. you are off to a good start with your mother. keep doing that. I would keep majority of the details to your self. one word answers when she asks questions etc. she sounds a bit jelouse honestly the attention not on her. has she always been like this ? a narcissist ?
you keep doing what your doing you will have a fabulous day

Aw thankyou so much! I just have to keep reminding myself it’s our day (easier said than done sometimes-but I’ll get there)

i think she could be jealous I’m not sure, I’ve not always had the best relationship with her growing up but we’ve grown closer the last few years . My mum and dad are splitting up after 34 years… my dad is a complete arse incredibly abusive towards my mum, my sister and me. He turned to drinking about 2 years ago and it’s made him much worse
last summer I had to call the police on him as he threatened to end my mums life and my sisters (she still lives at home). My mums not an easy person to live with but she doesn’t deserve how my dad has treated her (none of us do). He’s fallen out with all his family (stalks his sister messaging her abuse on multiple different numbers) , my mums brother (the uncle round tonight), my partner and he starts on me still so I avoid him like the plague. It’s just a very toxic situation- there is so much more I could be here all day.
my dad should be moving out in the next couple of months, and I have no intention after many hard conversations between myself and partner of having him at our wedding. I’d love nothing more than to have a dad walk me down the aisle and those special moments but he’s a risk to have there. If he also comes that’s half my family that I’m very close to that probably won’t come because of him- this is actually the main reason I originally wanted to elope to save the upset.

I’ve taken my mums side throughout this, sorted her out a social worker, a DA team that work on her case. But the last few weeks she’s turned a bit on me and I have no idea why, everything I say there’s an issue, it’s stupid, it’s pointless etc. I’m not sure at this stage if she’s got an issue with me, just plain rude or stressed from home and it’s spilling over. Could be a mix.

Does your mum know your dad won't be coming to the wedding, OP? Perhaps she thinks he is and that is what she is reacting against?

No she does know, I expressed my concerns to her privately about how half our family won’t come if he’s there. And then when she came to mine on Wednesday I explained to her it wasn’t an easy decision but I feel it’s for the best that he’s not and she completely agreed and respected my decision. She was fully onboard and understanding.

my sister on the other hand whilst she’s understanding and also agrees. We both worry of what the news could do to my dad when he finds out. I feel I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place regarding this. I really feel that when my dad does move out (meant to be next month) I don’t think he will bother with us at all… the only time I think he will is when he’s after money from me or my sister. And with me only to see his grandchildren.

a few months ago he was vile to me and left their house crying and he actually told my mum “he doesn’t care if I went home snivelling and crying, as long as he can see the grandkids he doesn’t care”

there’s so much to it , I could be here all day.

I honestly would have gone off and got married without any of them - I wouldn’t have put myself through it.

I would have done, and after the other night my partner was even looking at doing so. But we’ve already booked our venue now, not only that when I’m in the moment and looking at ideas and inspiration I am so excited! Just certain people like to me back down to earth with a bump 😩

Unfortunately you can't control other people . Your mother sounds like a bitch , sorry . Maybe she's bitter about her marriage and wedding and is projected a bit . When is the wedding ? After the initial fuss the opinions will die down unless you ask for it . Do let your mother go shopping for dress as she has offered to pay but bring along others , even MIL as she might rein it in front of her and you will earn pints by including her. Be non committal if you don't want anything anyone suggests and just do what you want . Don't mention anything more about your wedding in front of your Dad . It's not always the done thing especially if you are in a long term relationship with kids . Bit silly for your father to "give you away really " !

You aren't too late to pull the plug, you can avoid throwing good money after bad, if the whole thing is getting too much.

I remember my Mil getting on her high horse over my round top table. I was going to do seating the traditional way as a long table. We ended up swapping it round so she was next to DH and as close to the back of the table as possible.