Family stressing me out

[TheAquaPoster]

Me and my partner have recently got engaged. We’ve been together a long time- childhood sweethearts and have 3 children together. We are super excited and have really loved looking at different ideas already.

however my family are doing my head in already. We’ll be paying for the whole thing and never expected any help towards it.

my mum wanted us to get married abroad saying it’s cheaper, it’s a package and it’ll be lovely and hot- basically she loves her holidays and saw this as an opportunity for one. we’ve decided against this as some of the people who we’d want to be there won’t be able to come for various reasons health, money etc. her face was one of disappointment when we said we wouldn’t be. Making comments to our friend how we should.

we’ve found a couple of venues we like, and want to view but my sister (I’m close to her) starts giving opinions on everyone. And has been looking herself for venues- ones which the bridal party (where she’s included) can stay over the night before. The one we picked out to view is a lovely woodland venue- which is right up our street. Has amazing reviews. Within our budget.
showed her photos all I got was laughing emoji’s and what if it’s raining? What if it’s cold? I explained that we like it ans want to view… and she went “well it’s completely different to what I thought you’d both pick. Not a barn in sight?” Give up! I’m meant to be excited but I feel overwhelmed and it’s only early days.
I’m also stressing as my dad’s an arse, a bully and narcissist and he’s making it about him already “how he’s the father of the bride…. He wants a blue suit…. How he’s just like the father of the bride film! FML.
if he comes and gives me away, that’s at least 10 family members of his side and mums side that won’t attend probably that I am close to love and adore because my dads fallen out with and verbally abused them all
and then to top off. FIL is excited chatting away about the wedding as is my SIL. Whilst my MIL (who hates me always has and has been vile to me for years I have no idea why or what I’ve done) gave us complete silence not even a congratulations just sat with a face like a slapped arse the whole evening. Didn’t mutter a single word.

and then today my sister FaceTimed me she was with my mum and our friend (bridesmaid) and my mum was also slating the venue we like…. You can’t expect people to sit on benches… it’s not disabled friendly… being really snappy at me but trying to do it in a jokey way but was deadly serious.
and then the most hypocritical moment was if we liked somewhere further afield … how will people get there? You’ll have to chip in on a coach for everyone won’t you? Same person who wanted us to get married abroad because it suited her.

please tell me I’m not the only one who had family like this

Honestly run away and elope. Fuck them all.

I’d of loved a wedding abroad, I’ve been looking at the package deals and it’s a crazy amount cheaper than wedding in the UK. My mum was more disappointed it wasn’t abroad as in her own words thought it was a good opportunity for another holiday. She goes abroad 3-4 times a year. I mean fare play to her but she was literally seeing the wedding day as a free holiday.

yes I am the first x

Very similar to you.
My DM goes away 6x a year so thinks nothing of it from that perspective.
One thing that is so common re, weddings is that everyone thinks about themselves apart from the actual couple getting married xx

Tell them straight: it’s your wedding, you are paying, it’s your decision. Stop asking fur opinions if sharing options. Go with what you and your partner want. Then tell them. They either like it or not, but any negative opinions you shoot down right away. Say the deal is done and will will not hear anything about it.
If you are old enough and mature enough to get married you need to be able to handle your family.

It’s not that they can’t win, I’m not sure where you got that from. I haven’t been asking their opinion, they asked if I had seen any venues we liked, I said to them yes we like this one and sent the link. I didn’t think I’d have my mum and my sister faulting every point of the place. My mums got the hump because she wanted us to have it abroad and we discussed it and decided it wasn’t for us due to the logistics of it. In her own words she was hoping for the sun and a holiday.

I was merely asking if anyone else had had stress from their family when planning what should be the happiest day of their life.

I have told them, I wasn’t after their opinion they asked me if we had seen any we liked and excitedly I showed them the one we liked. I wasn’t expecting them to turn their nose up and say it was cheap looking not very wedding like and they expected something better.

my mum wanted another holiday (her words not mine) so she’s not happy about that.
my mum then said her dream wedding would be a big stately home a big drive for the wedding cars to pull up on. I firmly said it sounds nice but that’s not for us and she took offence to it.

It’s so frustrating isn’t it?

i can promise (and eveyone who knows her would agree) if I did for example follow everything my mum has suggested or wanted for our day. She would still moan and pick fault in it… if not the venue… it’d be the food (her fave thing to complain about)… my dress not being fancy enough…. Flowers not right…. Too ott or not ott enough.

I feel like just going away with my little family and doing it alone already x

One word - elope! Best thing we ever did, means you don’t have to worry about anyone else ruining your day. Big weddings are overrated and it sounds like yours will just end in drama anyway.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. This doesn't just sound like a wedding issue but issue with your family in general, maybe use this as a time to really evaluate your relationships with your family and put in some healthy boundaries. Definitely consider now what roles you want them to play and remember you owe them nothing. I have to say reading your post would make me just want to run away and elope!

Stick to your guns or you might regret it. My brother and his wife took a lot of stick from her mother about their choice of venue, her mother even threatened not to come! They went ahead with plans their way despite the threat, her mother did come and the day was gorgeous. A classic hotel type wedding that her Mum wanted them to just wouldn't have been their style, whereas this venue and the styling of it was personal and totally different. I've been married twice, the 1st wedding I listened to too many people, 2nd wedding me and my Husband came first! We had a small afternoon thing, palmed the kids off on grandparents and stayed out for the night.

Your mum and sister are also presenting as narcissists OP. Don’t expect them to be happy for you because your family ALL want it to be about them and will ruin your joy. Wouldn’t be surprised if your mum makes the dress shopping all about her as well, so I’d seriously consider going with people who love you and do a pretend one with her.

This is yours and your little family’s day- it’s all about you guys. Don’t be afraid to remind people of that- put your foot down and let them sulk.

Don’t ask for opinions. Don’t share anything with them. Plan your wedding your way. Tell them your expectations. If they can’t meet them then uninvited them!

Gosh OP am really cross on your behalf! They sound like a bunch of really unkind people.

As others have said you do whatever the two of you want and if they don’t like it then they can bog off. Find the one(s) who have your back to bounce ideas off, show venues etc and leave everyone out.

Remember it’s YOUR day not theirs so you make it whatever you want to.

Elope…..

Respond "That'll be great for your wedding" to all of them

Honestly I would just have a wedding with your little family and a couple of close friends as witnesses and have a gorgeous lunch in a beautiful hotel well away from family on both sides. Why should you spend a fortune on people who behave like that?

I’m sorry this is dampening your lovely news. I’m engaged also and my mother who brings up a Barbados wedding she attended everytime the Caribbean is brought up, now has the opinion that a wedding abroad is selfish on the guests. We aren’t wanting a wedding abroad anyway, just wondered about the price difference!
I agree with other posters, tell them when you’ve booked stuff. Their opinion is irrelevant anyway, pick what you and your fiance want.
My opinion for you is to elope! Don’t look back and wish you did because of the stress your family and in laws caused. If they complain, can always host a reception party after if you really wanted.

OP I was getting stressed reading that Jesus stop sharing details with people just book what and where you want I highly recommend you read the book The let them theory by Mel Robbins if you haven’t already it will definitely help with the stress
wishing you the happiest of wedding day

Neither dd1 or dd2 are very fond of their df and definitely didn't want him to give them away! They decided not to be given away and dd2 walked up the aisle on her own. Some people just like to give their tuppence but I'm sure they'll enjoy your day your way.

Just don’t involve them, sort with your partner and let them know when and where.

This!

To answer your question… you are definitely not the only one with a family like this!
I got married in the 90s & both mums had so many opinions. It’s natural to want to share the excitement & they have their expectations too.
Luckily we had some support from siblings who’d been there / done that!
I let my mum stress & sort bits that she needed for ‘keeping up appearances’ & let OH deal with his mother. In fairness some of the things that were important to them (that we didn’t care about) turned out well on the day without making any difference to us.
Its really shouldn’t be this stressful x

Wishing you well for YOUR special day

I was ready to pull the plug 6 weeks before it. Everyone had their nose in, do this, do that, you NEED this, you NEED that.

We wanted all family and friends there. I wasn't fussed on how formal it was.

MIL insisted we invited couples we were at their sons wedding you better invite them...it still pisses me off 15 years later we have never seen these people since.
Not even at SILs wedding

Big whoo ha over the shape of the top table I didn't want the long formal table, so wanted to go round, like every other table.

And just to lower the tone stop it getting too far up its own back side I decided to invite family kids when I realised we had space for them.

My advice tell both families nothing. End off.

I'd also suggest save the money 💰 and have a small wedding. There's always someone else who potentially warrants an invite regardless of the size of the wedding

Weddings can be so stressful and cost £££££. We looked at various venues then decided to spend the money on a fortnight in Barbados with our three kids and the hotel threw the wedding into the package. It was great - no stress and a wonderful family holiday.

We went to a beautiful woodland wedding a couple of years ago. People happily sat on benches and cushions and even someone who is on crutches due to a lifelong condition managed to get about. They did everything themselves, and it was low key but perfect. Admittedly they were really lucky with the weather - not a drop of rain. There was a barn of sorts we could have retreated to if needed, but it wasn't pretty, and was only there as a last resort. People stayed outside all evening and danced under the stars and fairy lights. It can work!!