Hen do planning help

[Laura236]

Hi all,

I am MOH for my friend who is getting married October 2027.
Hen do is going to be around May 27.

When would you start booking?
Bride is wanting to book ASAP but I would like to hold off to prevent drop outs and extra costs on remaining.
The hen do is looking like it will already be very expensive.

My thoughts were:
Villa first as can be cancelled for a smaller one if needs be?
Flights 6m before?
Activities/events 3m before?
Personalised gift bags etc after all above has been booked and paid for.

TIA!

Stand your ground, this has nightmare written all over it. If she wants to go abroad then that is what her honeymoon is for not 'forcing' a bunch of women to save for 2 years to appeal to her vanity.

By 2027 it is HIGHLY likely that some of the hens will be pregnant/caring for young children and unable or unwilling to go to such an expensive hen.

What is it with people who think their wedding is the be all and end all? Such navel gazing.

The 2 last weekends of May will be half term, so the prices will be higher!

Honestly, she sounds dreadful. It’s 21 months away until May 2027, a lot can change in the meantime.

I really feel for you.
You literally can't arrange anything without speaking to everyone first. If they have school aged kids they'll also have to find child care or might be going away for half term. In my opinion your only choice is to have a look at a few holidays/villas that tick the boxes, show the others in the current group to see if you're on the same page and say you can't do anything without discussing dates and budgets with the everyone invited, then add everyone else ASAP and get the ball rolling. You can get good deals in January and you might be better off pushing it forward or back a week or so for the price.
If lots of people are hesitant when it comes to putting money down then you'll have to ask what the consensus is and if need be change plans, depending on what her priority is.
I can only imagine her wedding gift list!

I am trying but it doesnt come naturally. And also doesnt help when I try to bring it up she tells me not to worry and it wont be much and other destinations will have to be looked at. But the plan just doesnt change. So next time I bring it up I will definitely be more agressive with how I mention it.

I'll say that it sounds to me you're pretty set on it which is fine and great if that's what you want to do and also great if others you have spoken to are up for it but right now I cant justify spending that money on a weekend when it takes us all year to save for our family holiday and that is my priority. I will not skrimp and save for the next 2 years, I done that for my own wedding. I'm in a different time in my life. I dont like clubbing etc. and also planning for baby #2 next year which means I might not be able to come. If the hen was a couple 100 I would probably book and risk as I know its not guaranteed but I cant risk losing 500+

I do know I have to give her the option of dropping me from the bridal party aswell, I will just say if this means you would prefer a different MOH or for me to come as a guest I completely understand but would love to still help in ways I can

Thanks everyone for your advice!

Big girl pants time. Good luck!

Never thought about half term thank you!
I could start whatsapp group earlier and say we will provisionally book villa now once everyone confirms and then book flights as soon as they become available (May 26). Then that gives us extra time to look into smaller villas if people don't book flights and drop out.
Thanks for the tips!

Don’t go for a villa. There is zero way everyone will come and those left will have to foot the remaining bill, or you will.

The only way I would do this is go for a cancellable hotel and let everyone book their own rooms. You could perhaps sell it to the bride that it would be nicer to have you breakfast etc. catered for, and generally villas are far away from the resorts, whereas in a hotel you will be closer to the action for going out.

Thank you! Its her engagement party on Saturday so I'm not going to rain on her parade and have her stressing so will bring it up the next time we meet without kids!

The villa is a non negotiable for the bride, she wants everyone together.
But on air bnb there are a few with free cancellation up until like 3m before!

But obvs still risk not being able to find a smaller villa to cater the people that can come!

We just booked a big birthday weekend away for end of May 2026 and that was limited on what was available for a large house. (although that was in the UK). We started looking probably 3 months ago and throwing around budgets and locations.

I'd throw the ideas around now with the idea of getting people to start thinking about what they can afford and saving. If an expensive hen do was thrown on me a year before (£800 all in sort of thing, but deposit needed asap), I couldn't afford it. If I knew about it now, I could plan and save.

You likely can't book alot of stuff until at most a year out but you can start pinning down ideas and locations, sometimes that element takes up the most time. You would want to be in the position of being able to book asap when things are released esp if it is around school holidays etc.

The thing is - she’s expecting her share of the whole trip to be covered so it doesn’t matter to her if you find a villa then lots of people pull out so the cost per head goes up. Have you even taken that into account with your cost estimates? It can add a lot to everyone’s bills and personally I think it’s unreasonable. One meal is fine but she should cover all her other costs.

What I would do is start a group chat with everyone on the invite list and set up a poll with a range of budgets and ask everyone what the most they are willing to spend is. Then plan the trip or night out around that.

If the bride is not happy with that approach then I would offer to stand down as bridesmaid. She is expecting a lot from you, both financially and in terms of time and stress levels.

I have split everything by how many she is planning on inviting so far but it has been something I have thought about yes.
This is why it would have to be free cancellation in case we need to find a smaller villa but I would have to give a reasonable cut off for this as we cant have people dropping out last minute.

I did think about the poll about budgets idea but I don't think people will feel comfortable with this, especially if peoples budgets are a lot higher than yours.

How many are going @Laura236 ?
If it includes anyone pregnant (which you might not know about yet) or has young children, there is a strong possibility they will pull out.
Anyone who's financial circumstances change will drop out.
The drop-out range will be higher because of duration and cost.

If 9 are going and 5 drop out, it will be horrendously expensive.

I'm so glad that in my day, we did a day out followed by a nice meal, not a blimmin' villa abroad.

Its a sensible idea having a cancellable villa, but one of the issues is if people drop out close to the time, there’s no guarantee that a smaller, cheaper option will be available.
Honestly it sounds like a financial nightmare waiting to happen. If you must I would put something on the chat, but say you would need everyone to have paid up in full by say end of 2026 to ensure no last minute drop outs and people having to pay extra as a result. I would also ask for a significant deposit up front. If people aren’t willing to commit to that, then there’s no way I would be organising this.

This is the hen do chat that men take the piss out of.

This sounds like an absolute, unfolding, nightmare.

I think you should resign as MoH, as you don't feel you can commit to the Hen Do. Just get out now!

14 are due to be invited. I know 1 bridesmaid has been trying for a baby for years and no plans to stop understandably, I will also start trying next year and 1 has just got married and wants a baby in the next couple years. All of which the bride knows and says she understands but still wants it to be booked?

I've never been on one to this scale tbh, Mine was in Bath and was the best time! I don't think social media helps. When you see what people are having you want it too.

Yes I was thinking by July 26, 2 month after flights have been released?
The people who haven't booked or given a good reason as to why are dropped and we start looking for smaller villa. If I find a smaller one with free cancellation I could book both tbf? Don't want to book every villa in Marbella though haha.
Also a smaller villa might even work out the same PP as a larger one and splitting it.
All things to think about. I have a migraine haha

I have been in this situation before and I quit being a bridesmaid , I said I couldn’t commit to the hen and doing it properly. I didn’t want to spend thousands going away with her mates that I don’t know in the school holidays and that was before I had kids!

its ridiculous to get people to pay so far in advance, flights won’t even be released then. Lots of people might have got pregnant or moved abroad in the next two years. You could put a date in the diary for an ‘at home’ hen and then keep the date free for a weekend abroad and look to book that around a year before.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum Its so rubbish isn't it. How did you say it to the bride? Did she understand and did you just go as a guest?
I know her wedding is all that is important to her I really do but I don't think she sees anything as a big ask. She can moan about how much things are costing and the bridesmaids hair is coming to (only thing she's paying for) but when I have mentioned the cost of the hen or the accommodation she expects us to stay in the night of the wedding (£300 for the night) she says I have plenty of time to save? feels a bit double standards.
So I think its best if I do quit before we fall out because tbh I was just looking for a bit of advice and now I'm thinking what the hell have I signed up for haha!

I think you need to tell her that with the best will in the world you cannot organise a hen-do abroad for her especially since you may not be able to come. If that means she needs to choose another MoH then so be it and you totally understand - you don't need to be in the bridal party at all. I'd be doing it before the engagement party myself if I thought I'd be mentioned as MoH.

Whatever you decide please ensure you open a separate bank account. An account that you are not liable if there is a shortfall and can be handed over should you decide to step down (I would).

I am finding your posts very confusing OP, one minute you agree with all the posters who point out the pitfalls of this indulgent and totally unnecessary ego stroking endeavour - people dropping out leaving additional payments to be found, the huge expense of the flights and accommodation let alone activities, using up valuable holiday leave, the bride to be airily dismissing your concerns etc etc. then the next moment you are saying you will research smaller villas, polling people about budgets , not wanting to upset the bride! Hey ho.

I think you are walking into a disaster area with your eyes wide open. Clearly the bride knows where you have buried the bodies as she seems to have a death grip on your thinking faculties. So good luck, I really hope you don’t end up holding the very expensive end of the shitty stick she is holding out to you.

And btw it is customary for the bride to pay for your dresses if she wants you to wear a particular style, do you think this bride is going to give her bridesmaids a choice in the matter, because I don’t.

The villa is a non negotiable for the bride

No one gets to have non negotiable things with other people's money.
Tell her you've considered the upcoming years and you've realised you won't be able to commit to being MoH.
Make your own peace and happiness non negotiable.

So you’ll need to save up for this as well as your family holiday, and you might be on maternity leave?

Fuck that.

She’s very good at spending other people’s money isn’t she?