Hen do planning help

[Laura236]

Hi all,

I am MOH for my friend who is getting married October 2027.
Hen do is going to be around May 27.

When would you start booking?
Bride is wanting to book ASAP but I would like to hold off to prevent drop outs and extra costs on remaining.
The hen do is looking like it will already be very expensive.

My thoughts were:
Villa first as can be cancelled for a smaller one if needs be?
Flights 6m before?
Activities/events 3m before?
Personalised gift bags etc after all above has been booked and paid for.

TIA!

Book a table in your local Pizza Express one month before the hen do and send a group email with the time and place. Unless all the attendees are very high earners with no kids then go for the expensive one but see how much people are willing to pay.

Sounds a nightmare but I’d just do whatever the bride wants you to do to be honest and start trying to arrange it. Don’t let yourself be out of pocket at all though and wait for everyone to pay before you book anything. You’ll be at the mercy of all the other hens and whether they want to commit to such an expense etc this far in advance.

Please, unless you are all high earners with no childcare or time off worries, try and talk sense to the Bride about this. Everyone knows there is a cost of living crisis now, and it might not improve in two years either. But right now, people will need to budget for it, and I know if it was me, I'd have a hell of a lot of things I could spend the guts of £1,000 on than go to a villa for a few days.

First, are you all high earners and child free?
Secondly, will most of the hens be willing able and in a position to take time off work, pay for it, and arrange childcare?

If that's the case, then I wouldn't book flights until after Easter 2027, the villa just before Christmas 26, and do nothing until you have confirmed the numbers and got the money from everyone before you pay anything.

I can’t speak for everyone but I am definitely not. I have mentioned to the bride a couple times that it is out of my budget and she says there is plenty of time to save. Just going off next mays prices it’s coming in around £600 all in without spending money. I also have a 2yo daughter and have plans to try for baby number 2 next year. Which also may impact if I can go on this hen. I do feel guilty about this but I am also mid 30s and don’t want to hold off on growing my family. The bridesmaids has always known of these plans and initially we were going to try around the same time.
some of the bridesmaids are well off and are up for going abroad and the other hens aren’t in the loop yet.
I would only book Villa once all money has been sent over and they can book own flights I was thinking?

A few of us have kids yeah. I have mentioned it being too pricey but it’s what she wants and the well off bridesmaids are encouraging the ideas. I don’t want to keep putting a dampener on it and moaning about money but tbh at this point I’m still a maybe because a family holiday will always take priority

Thank you I do agree. I’ve honestly never been to a hen this extravagant before and it seems crazy to tell people to lock in plans and such a big financial commitment so far in advance when people’s circumstances could easily change. I’m also looking to have another baby next year so would like to see how that goes before committing (bride knows but hasn’t really acknowledged it since her engagement so it’s like the elephant in the room)

Set up a WhatsApp group for all intended “hens”. Ask what their realistic budget is and how many days they can be away for. Work around that.

Considering what you have said in your last 3 posts, be firm now and say to the Bride.
"This is not something I can organise as I won't be able to go. You need to ask Emily to organise it as she seems up for it".

You'd be stupid to do your family planning around your friend's wish for an extravagant hen do, or to get yourself stressed about trying to go when you can't afford it. Just be up front now.

Please just be clear and say you'd be happy to organise an evening our a couple of weeks before the wedding, to include people who won't make it to the villa. Do NOT allow yourself to be bullied into this.

“Time to save” signals your friend is either deeply selfish or irresponsible with money. Not being able to afford a hen do is not as simple as not having the cash. It is looking at your larger budget priorities and deciding where to spend money. That lavish party is money not put away for home repairs, a pension, future child care expenses, and the list of the financial demands on the typical age for marriage demographic never ends.

Be realistic, there is no chance you are going on this trip. You will either have a baby and be unable to go, be pregnant and not able to keep up with the partying, or not be pregnant and facing some decisions about growing you family and how money might be useful for that purpose.

hand the reins over to someone who actually wants to plan a lavish affair and let them deal with the inevitable complications.

I would step away from this right now. But first I would take the bride out for a pizza and say to her does she want a hen do that will be fun with lots of happy participants, or a hen do with fewer participants who will be resentful about how much they have paid/ used out of their holiday allowance. Have with you some alternative ideas, larger houses to rent in the UK for example. say you would be happy to help with the organisation of a less ambitious hen do, but for family and financial reasons won’t be organising the original idea.

it will end in tears

Personalised gift bags etc after all above has been booked and paid for.

Personalized items for a hen do is so embarrassing and so cringe, worthy, I don't know where to start. I would refuse to wear any of that rubbish.

Flights, villas and activities for a hen do come on. Why does it have to be abroad.

But my last friends, hen, do we went for cocktails, and then for dinner without even a reservation. Organized fun never is.

Thank you. I have suggested uk lodges and she has also sent some but then she says the dream is to go abroad so I also don’t want to seem like I’m forcing her into the hen she doesn’t even want.

you are all right though I think the next time we meet without the kids I’m going to stand my ground a bit more as she tells me what I want to hear and I’m like ah ok as I’m such a people pleaser. I annoy myself so much haha.

Thank you all so much for your advice

Completely understand where you are coming from but this is what the bride wants. But I do get it. If I was spending that money I'd want the special treatment haha!
I guess I'm trying to find a healthy medium of luxury on a budget.
My hen was in Bath and £250pp and I had the best time but that was in 2021 and I feel anything to do with weddings have snowballed into big events now.

For May 27 I’d be asking for first thoughts on whether they can attend with a provisional budget in January 26. Check on sale dates for the flights first and villa pricing roughly. I’d be actually booking flights (everyone pays up front no returns) when they become available to get best prices and reserve the villa around 11 months out but on the can cancel rate. Do give a rough activity and food budget because it’s not fair to be having people in the minds thinking £400 and it actually is £1000!

This is exactly what I said.
Her mum was saying if we just get flights and accommodation sorted and let people know (looking at around £400 - This is going off May 26 flight prices and without a case) and deal with the rest after.

But I have looked into the whole weekend when we need transfers, a beach club is costing £100pp for a bed, brunch is also £100pp and that's without all other food and drink (Uber pizza night first night and a private chef last night which is apparently less than going out to eat) and extra for decs and hen do bags etc.

I would rather include as much as possible and a small reserve @ £650-700 because if your just setting yourself up for loads of dropouts otherwise then the bride will be gutted.

I would love to know what others think is a decent budget for a Hen because its hard for me to up sell it when it'll be skinting me too :S

But why can't the bride do her dirty work herself.

I don't understand the list of demands including villas and international flights and getting someone else to do it. She wants people to spend all this money she should be contacting those invited on the hen party to see if they can afford it.

It's like new mothers, wanting a baby shower and asking a friend to arrange it for them with their list of requirements.So they don't look grabby, but they still do.

I know. I mean when I have been with her she has told people the plan is abroad and to get saving now but obvs hasn't looked into or discussed actual numbers so that's on me I guess.
I wouldn't be pressuring anyone to book something that's going to cause financial stress I will just say this is the plans let me know if it is something you are up for or is within your budget?
I am going along with it atm as I'm fed up of keep mentioning it and it going no where and its kind of become a thing now where she's said she feels awkward talking about money with me (for the wedding - dress, makeup and £300 accommodation YELP) but when I do have actual numbers and they are looking the same as I'm expecting it will probably be a no from me also but as MOH I do feel pressure to be there but thinking I can still help organise as much as possible?

Make sure that every single person who books a place pays you up front and make it clear to everyone that you are aren’t the credit card and don’t put any money of your own down until you are 1000% sure you can afford to waste all that money! The bride will
also expect you to pay for your dress makeup hair and a gift of course so if you have any sense I’d pull out now!!

She sounds so selfish!
You could do loads of things in the UK that are really special. If its to be wild, there are so many filthy bottomless brunches, bars, themed clubs, etc. For lady-like Ascot or other themes of lunch, shows, etc. You could all a full day & night of activities she loves, stay overnight in a hotel and have some pampering the next morning before you come home. Google hen nights and get some inspiration if you're not sure. Everyone will have to put up the deposit and its a foregone conclusion that some will drop out for one reason or another. You sound like you're really doing your best to plan something amazing!

The bride sounds awful, demanding that people she's meant to care about spend huge amounts and use up annual leave for her 'dream' of an abroad hen holiday.
A decent budget for a hen night is the price of your dinner and a few drinks. Maybe a small gift or drink for the bride. Nowhere near £100.

Inform all the guests that the bride wants XYZ and it will cost them at least £600 and days of annual leave. I don't imagine you'll have many wanting to go.

Yes my husband has said the same thing. I think I'm going to tell people to book own flights so that's less for me to sort and then I will ask for money up front for villa before.
Then ask for the rest in instalments to pay for the events etc. And I wont get any hen bags/t-shirts until people have fully paid.
She has said she will pay for our hair but we pay for our dresses and makeup. She also wants the bridal party to stay at the venue day before and night of the wedding which is very expensive and when I said I couldn't justify she said its over 2 years away and she would be offended.
This did shock me at first as I paid for everything for my bridesmaids but I know just because I did it doesn't mean its the only way to do things. The only thing that bugs me is their wedding is costing so much (£9k for a band) she is stressing and trying to cut costs but seems like she's pushing them on other people?
I am contemplating pulling out due to trying for another baby next year (she knows) anyway and tbh I struggle with anxiety a lot and I hate letting people down I'm a huge people pleaser and it seems the only way I can do that is by spending lots of money :(

The more you write about the woman the worse she sounds.

She really does sound awful!
Why dont you get a WhatsApp group, put on some villa suggestions and let everyone choose together? You'll still be taking the lead but it won't be all on you and she'll see the reactions to her demands. Each put your flight suggestions, choose t-shirts, etc.
27th May is during school half term and prices go through the roof.

Pull out now. Bridezilla seems intent on spending your money for you.

IME, the bigger the wedding, the shorter the marriage.

She created a 'main hens' group chat last weekend which is me, her mum and 2 other bridesmaids. Then she left so we could discuss I assume. Not sure why as I had already said I would create closer to the time I thought now was very early hence why I have done this post.

She was away with her mum so had obviously been discussing as I was getting sent tiktoks and links for villas at the same time.

I was maybe the April before (just before next years flights are available) to create whatsapp group of all hens with an itinerary and costs (using this mays flights costs) inclusive of most things. And a poll with last 2 weekends in May 27.

My worry is if people say yes out of pressure with no intention of coming. Because that would be me hahaha