My nephew (30) hasn’t invited his grandma to his wedding next year

[WildflowerGardens]

I am a woman whose nephew, who is 30, is getting married next year to his fiancée. He earns a good wage as a software developer.

He and my mother - his grandmother - are on good terms but don’t see each other - she’d love for him to visit but he doesn’t. It’s now emerged that she has only been invited to his wedding RECEPTION next year and not the wedding ceremony

I feel upset about this as my mother is 81 and this could be her last family wedding. It means that she won’t be in any of the family wedding photos - having a snapshot taken at the reception in some dark pub function room pales in comparison.

advice please!

Very likely that the OP's sibling, Granny's other child has said they don't want the responsibility of shipping granny to and from the ceremony etc when they will be busy enough already.

Another who would be interested to know what your sister said when you discussed it with her.

I mean, on the face of it, it seems an odd decision. But I am looking at it with the eyes of someone who comes from and lives as part of families that actually like their Grandparents. All of us commenting on here have no idea of the actual relationship between the groom and his Grandmother, and what sort of a relationship she nurtured with him over the first 20 or so years of his life, and then continued as he grew into adulthood. You don't have to be on MN very long to learn that there are a LOT of people who live in families with - at best - 'strained' relationships.

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head here and before OP decides to excommunicate her nephew and his fiancée she needs to discuss all this with her sibling, the actual father or mother of the nephew, and see what they think and what has been said. This nephew and soon to be niece in law are getting a slating here even people going as far as to say they’re only wanting people at their wedding who are good looking for their instagram etc (weird comment, who knows if they even use social media) when you don’t know if their own PARENT has said ‘oh grandma won’t mind, there won’t be anyone to collect her and bring her to the church anyway and I’m not doing it as I want to get my hair and makeup done’ etc etc. you don’t know if grandma lives 4 minutes or 4 hours from the wedding venue etc. maybe OP you should focus on discussing this with your sibling. You seem to be implying you’re a very close family as you want your mother at this event, so if you’re as close as you imply, discussing this won’t be an issue

Agree, when you read some of the responses on here you come to a realisation on why there is so many wankers walking around. The advice is don't say anything or else you ruin the relationship. They're entitled selfish fuckers anyway so you might as well say something. Your arse will be left and ignored anyway.

My sister is getting married next year and is also not inviting grandparents.

They are having a very small wedding 💒 (about 20 guests) due to their budget. Could it be a numbers/budget issue with your nephew?

I agree with PPs that it's their day and you shouldn't get involved.

That's where her son got it from his mother. Granny can spend the night at his mother's house before the wedding or ops house. There is no excuse. The fact is there was no discussion and it's out of order to not have the generations there watching his big day. If I was the op I would have a word with DSis.

Your sister has set a standard she will be on her own one day. The family unit is not strong in this country we put no value on it. We are a selfish society who only thinks about our own needs and wants and that's sad.

I suppose an elderly free wedding is no worse a concept than a child free wedding in theory.

In the real world it's better to consider how your wedding choices will go down with your wider family if you want to continue good relationships with them. I'm torn because I'm also a bit cynical about the point of extended family relationships that don't have any substance and it sounds like the grooms and grandmas has dwindled to nothing. I wouldn't have thought it worth the family fall out to do this though.

If she hasn’t done anything wrong and they’ve become distant because he can’t be bothered to respond when she contacts him I think he’s being a prick. I think I would volunteer to drive her to the reception, which would mean I also wouldn’t be able to attend the ceremony. They’ll save twice as much money or be to invite yet another friend they probably won’t know in 5 years time

Some people here have commented that there must be some dreadful backstory - there really isn’t. I am very close to both my mother and sister (the latter being the nephew’s mother) and there has never been any bad blood or even disagreement.

My mother was a very hands-on grandmother during my nephews’ and nieces’ childhoods, using all her spare time to help with the kids and make their lives happier (trips out, helping with homework, the onerous task of making four little beds etc etc).

My nephew could easily keep in touch - he has an active social life, all arranged via his mobile phone, he could easily send my mother a short message or check in from time to time.

she cannot visit him as 1. She hasn’t been invited and 2. It would mean a 200 mile journey on public transport (we don’t have a car, whereas my nephew has a car). That said, my mother could easily attend the ceremony as I would arrange everything.

my mother does not, as suggested by a previous comment, have mobility issues and standing at a ceremony/thereafter would present no difficulties to her. Of course for an 81 year old, a grandson’s wedding ceremony is more special and more meaningful to her than a reception held at a pub function room where music is loud, everyone’s drinking and we’ll be sitting among people we’ll likely never see again (the couple’s uni friends, as an example).

To those that said it isn’t any of my business, have a word with yourselves. A close family matter is exactly that.

This is definitely a trend currently. I was reading about it. We are also experiencing it in our family. Similar age couple marrying - 1 step sibling is invited. The other isn’t. No children including grown up children (ie ours). One cousin invited and the other not.
Personally I find it really odd. And socially gauche. The current trend seems to be friends and friendly family relationships are the important thing.

If there's really no backstory, and you all get along fine, why haven't you just asked? Could have been resolved with quick chat if there's truly no tensions...
And when you say she hasn't visited him because you don't have a car, do you mean recently or ever?

Nephew has said it’s to save money - but they both have very good incomes.

we have visited - Christmas, special occasions - but a relationship has to work both ways.

Except children don’t love weddings in the same way as grandparents might, perhaps - a four year old cannot be expected to appreciate a wedding in the same way as a grandparent

What size of ceremony is he having? I think it's fine not to invite them if they are only having a handful of people and most people are only going to the pub. Harder to understand if 50 people will be at the ceremony.

Not sure why you object to sitting among people you'll never see again - surely that happens in most weddings, even if you are at the ceremony?

It is sooooo bad he hasn't invited her. Is he quite common?

I usually find common people are more family oriented actually

If you'd already asked and been given an answer, then I'm not sure what there is to do. Like it or lump it. Stewing won't change his mind. The reception is the good bit of the wedding anyway.
But are you invited? Are you and your mum always a package deal? Could you be issue perhaps?

OP, I really do think this is between your mother and your nephew and maybe your sister. Clearly a reason has been given and I
don’t think there is much you can do.
Are you going to the ceremony? How many people are going?
My husband’s grandfather came straight to
our reception. It was his choice.

That’s a really inappropriate way to save money. Does your sibling agree with this cost-cutting measure?

Sibling hasn’t responded to my WhatsApp message about it….!

OP what does your sister say?

What you could do op is you offer to pay for your mum to go. Put him to shame that's what I would do. Tell him it's not a problem at all your mum would be really happy to attend and she's devastated that she hasn't been invited.

You have to shame them both. You're sister should be talking to you about it. It seems odd to leave your mum out of the actual wedding.

Give up your place to your mum. Problem solved.