My nephew (30) hasn’t invited his grandma to his wedding next year

[WildflowerGardens]

I am a woman whose nephew, who is 30, is getting married next year to his fiancée. He earns a good wage as a software developer.

He and my mother - his grandmother - are on good terms but don’t see each other - she’d love for him to visit but he doesn’t. It’s now emerged that she has only been invited to his wedding RECEPTION next year and not the wedding ceremony

I feel upset about this as my mother is 81 and this could be her last family wedding. It means that she won’t be in any of the family wedding photos - having a snapshot taken at the reception in some dark pub function room pales in comparison.

advice please!

It seems he views her as someone he isn’t close to (and you have confirmed ) older generations do have a tendency to think people should come to them out of respect. And younger generations don’t always respect family hierarchy.
No need for you to get nvolved it personally doesn’t sit well with me either. But it’s for him to navigate.

To me that says they don’t have a close relationship.

She may send cards etc but he clearly doesn’t feel inclined to have a relationship with her.

This really isn’t any of your business TBH, and if you’re going to ask, be prepared for the likelihood you’re going to get an answer you don’t want to hear.

If the wedding is in a church, then it's a public place so she could attend uninvited. But that would cause resentment and unnecessary drama.

Personally I think as it's your nephew's wedding, it's his choice. Both you and she should respect his wishes, even if it hurts.

What has your brother/sister said about t
it? They’ll know.
Is this a divorced parent situation with a back story?

Okay, so they’re not close, the reasons are, by and large, irrelevant. It seems a shame really but there isn’t anything to be done, it’s really nothing to do with you, it’s not your wedding.

If he thinks he’s made the right decision it would have been nice for him to speak to grandmother/family and explain his reasoning.

. All it needs is “hey grandma, we’d love to have you but think the whole ceremony might be too much for you, so we’d like you to come to the party, we’ve arranged for x to pick you up..”

by not doing that it suggests they simply don’t want her there, and don’t want her saying of course she can manage the whole day, or whatever their reason is.

dh’s family is like this. They don’t want to invite someone somewhere (usually us!) they’ll tell everyone some made up reason why we couldn’t make it. When the reality is they didn’t want to invite us.

Id speak to him about it, maybe he doesnt know that she longs for him to visit and would love to be a part of his big day
Family drift apart but as years go on and we get older (and wiser) quite often things that are important to us change and family becomes one of the most important things. No one wants to regret things that they could have made happen
You need to say something and get her involved in the day before its too late

I feel for your mother, and think it’s very sad, but it is his wedding and guest list.
It’s a real shame as if she is like many elderly people she would probably be much happier attending an event during the day than an evening one which may end late.
I think the damage is done now though. I wouldn’t even be asking him to consider her as a ‘reserve’ in case someone else can’t attend, as she would know that she was a second choice.

Unless there is a history of toxic abuse, you have to invite granny to the actual wedding. It's shocking manners not to and totally infra dig. I'm kind of embarrassed for your nephew and partner. Treating our older generation badly is a big ick, especially granny.

To paraphrase Jane Austen: badly done (nephew), badly done. She has watched you grow...

There’s an awful lot of assumptions being made presumably considering the OP has posted and not returned to the thread (as has become the norm on MN these days).

All we know from the OP is that the nephew and the grandmother do not have a relationship. Yes, she writes to him but he doesn’t respond. That equals they do not have a relationship.

What the reason is that he’s NC with her, he clearly has his reasons and I imagine the duty bit is his inviting her to the evening do.

If he doesn’t have a relationship with her why should he pay hundreds of pounds for her to be at his wedding when clearly he has valid reasons not to want her there?

All this talk of how a grandmother is immediate family and if he doesn’t invite her she should cut him out of the will, and how people should feel duty bound because… family is a load of bollocks.

Blood doesn’t make someone more important, it simply means that you were in the right place at the right time that means you became family. Many family relationships are close, but just as many aren’t. And you don’t owe anyone anything just because you happen to be related by blood.

Perhaps she's not been invited. Older generations turning up on the doorstep of their younger relatives or inviting themselves on visits tends to be poorly recieved. It doesn't tend to work that way in reverse.

Does she ever ring him?

She sound bad herself. What efforts did she make to be there in his life?

You missed the point. My point was you can’t demand someone be added to a wedding invite list if you aren’t the one paying. The person I was replying to didn’t see the issue with this being done.

And good for you on your pedestal cringing at what people spend. They are entitled to spend their money however they want.

What kind of wedding is the wedding bit?
If it is a registry office then you can buy packages where only certain mubers can attend. So bride and groom might only be having say, three people from each side.
I know quite a few people that have got married where the wedding bit is not their main event. Its just the formality and more emphasis is on the party.
Quite a few people also get married just for the formality or need and have a small do just to mark the occassion. It might be that your nephew isnt really even that bothered about the wedding bit. Just getting married for a reason like they want kids, or want to work overseas. And arent actually that bothered themselves about the wedding itself.

He wouldn't even exist if it wasn't for his grandmother. She is family, and most definitely should be there. I would be fighting her corner without a doubt. He is pulling a dick move.

Disgusting behaviour from him imo. Even if they aren't particularly close, she's in her 80s, she's family, it's one person...so petty to exclude her.

Here we go - a true MN response! Of course it's her business. It's her mother who's being left out and potentially hurt by this decision.

And if HIS mother/father, who is also the child of "grandma" doesn't have anything to say on the matter, then it very definitely isn't up to the sibling of his parent to tell him what to do. There may be lots of very good reasons why things are being arranged like this, none of which we have been told because we are talking to a third party who has a fleeting relationship with the nephew (and, apparently, their sibling since they haven't a clue what the reason is).

Not really. I have relatives who expect to be visited and fussed over and never pick up the phone or put themselves out.

Anyway we don't know the full story, there'll be some history there that's informed the nephew's decision.

Maybe he doesn’t like her? You don’t always know what goes on in other people’s relationships. I’d guess he has his reasons.

Wow!

It really could be anything. No one knows but the couple.
My late grandmother who I otherwise adored was quite racist.

it’s not that at all, read some other posts on this thread, the care that an elderly relative might need at a wedding just might not be possible to be given , lifts arranged, personal care etc someone has to sort that . Assuming OP would be happy to sort all that so her mum can attend? I know someone who actually had a carer from her mums care home be her mums ‘plus one’ for her DD’s wedding so she could be mother of the bride and all that entails instead of doing personal care etc for her mum all day. I think it’s fair enough, there’s people on here who totally martyr themselves for elder relatives but you are allowed to be selfish on the odd occasion!

My MIL flat out refuses taxis and will also only eat certain foods. When we have family events like weddings, we do have to plan who is driving / not drinking/ not staying over in hotel or accommodation etc around her to make sure she is collected and dropped home. When myself and DH were both groomsman/bridesmaid for a cousins wedding of his, it was a nightmare because we had to basically ring round family making sure the pick up and drop off for her was coordinated properly so she didn’t have to use a cab, as we were staying over the night of the wedding and she wanted to return home. We also had to liaise with the venue to arrange for different food for her and to make sure there was an accessible toilet etc. if there isn’t someone willing to do this stuff then it’s hard for some people to attend these sort of events, they can’t just teleport themselves places !!

There are certain family members who should be invited regardless.
In my view this is very disrespectful.
I would wade in, it is your Mum and your nephew is being horrible. If it was my nephew I would call him out to the point I wouldn't be going to the wedding and I would be calling my sibling out as well.
Beyond hurtful and beyond upsetting, just vile behaviour.