My nephew (30) hasn’t invited his grandma to his wedding next year

[WildflowerGardens]

I am a woman whose nephew, who is 30, is getting married next year to his fiancée. He earns a good wage as a software developer.

He and my mother - his grandmother - are on good terms but don’t see each other - she’d love for him to visit but he doesn’t. It’s now emerged that she has only been invited to his wedding RECEPTION next year and not the wedding ceremony

I feel upset about this as my mother is 81 and this could be her last family wedding. It means that she won’t be in any of the family wedding photos - having a snapshot taken at the reception in some dark pub function room pales in comparison.

advice please!

Have he and his grandmother seen each other much in recent times?
How does she get on with his fiancee....any rifts or judgements there?
What was she like emotionally with him growing up? Yes you say she did the practical tasks but was she warm, loving and responsive, or could she be quite strict, cold and critical?
Not saying it's the case here, but as kids get older they do distance and disconnect from relatives who they felt did not meet their emotional needs as children.

I didn't invite my uncle to my wedding...my dad tried to persuade me to but he wasn't someone I was currently close to, didn't have much in common with and hadn't consistently made an effort with me over the years.
Titles aren't everything and don't give people automatic rights.

That said, if none of the above is true, I think it's pretty harsh not to invite a grandparent due to money and if that is literally the ONLY reason that is really unkind and he doesn't sound a very emotionally healthy, caring person (unless he is being controlled by fiancee?) and I'd understand why you would be disappointed and shocked.

That is absolutely shocking.

I hope he gets nothing in her will.

You Speak quite disrespectfully about your nephew and make comments about him not being bothered to visit and having good salaries but obviously he works and lives 200 miles away so it might not be that easy for him and even if he earns well you don’t know all his financial details presumably. Maybe they are paying off debt, buying a house or paying off student debt.

Honestly though I think it is up to his mum to speak to him as to why she has been excluded.

Are all the grandparents on both sides excluded?

@WildflowerGardens Are you invited?

Well I think not to invite Grandparents, unless there is a massive backstory, is a really self absorbed selfish thing to do, but it's your sister who really needs to be having a word, although I can understand why you are upset. Are you invited to the whole thing? If so could you offer to stand down and say to invite grandma instead of you? Assuming the decision is purely financial.
Young people often become a bit more distant as they grow up and their horizons spread, as DGM lives 200 miles away I can see easily how contact may not be regular.
My DS only calls when he wants something, rarely if ever just for a chat and our text thread is pretty much a one way street!
But despite distance not to invite your grandma to your wedding is on the face of it completely outrageous

Oh come on it’s really easy to ping a message these days just to say happy birthday or thanks whatever even if he can’t visit.
Op says his granny was a feature in his early life with childcare and trips out.
I’d say he’s being thoughtless and ungrateful. I think a lot of my generation and after assume that it’s the older persons job to make all the effort and don’t realise the roles switch earlier than you think.

He's not invited his grandmother to the wedding ceremony to save money???

You're joking, surely?

Firstly, how does attending a wedding ceremony cost money, but attending the reception not? I don't actually know if I want to know.

Secondly, the phrase "would sell his own mother to make a buck" springs to mind. I'd be utterly depressed that this man-baby is related to me, in your shoes. Something has gone seriously wrong in his upbringing.

God that's distasteful.

Actually as you have been asked more than once - have you been invited ?

and do you live with your mother / does your mother live with you - as you say ' we ' don't have a car.

From what you have said so far, it doesn't seem as if he is close to his grandma.

and remember it is not up to you how he spends his money.

has his wife to be met his grandma ?

There are all different types of weddings - some of them prioritise family, some do not.

I have been to many wedding with no grandparents/few relatives including my own.

No one has the right to an invitation. No one has to accept an invitation.

You clearly feel strongly OP so just decline the invitation

“To those that said it isn’t any of my business, have a word with yourselves. A close family matter is exactly that.”

No it is not!

📣

It.
Is.
Not.
Your.
Wedding.

FFS 🤦‍♀️

What a nasty condescending way to post.

Hmm. Your sibling hasn’t responded to your WhatsApp about this, but you’re an extremely close family unit?? I’m getting the impression and I don’t mean this to stick the boot in, but that your sister might not consider herself as close to you and your mum as you think things are - why not just ring your sister or go round to discuss this? And the part about you not driving or having a car but they do - does she end up doing a lot of the running around etc for your mum whilst you ‘arrange’ things but don’t actually carry out the logistical donkey work? Because that can stir resentment fast. If you are going to be responsible for the logistics of your mum attending but you don’t actually have a means to transport her how will you do this?

agree with you on your comments about it not being hard for your nephew to ring or message his grandmother though, that’s something he should really do if she was a hands on grandparent especially

how is your own kids relationship with her?

I think you need to be careful about how much you get involved OP. If you continue to push this too hard, you could risk being uninvited yourself.

What a load of absolute tripe. My sister is a very busy psychotherapist seeing clients back to back, you know nothing of my relationship with her, so get your oar out.

Quite agree OP, you have every right to intervene and if I were you I would be doing so, it is not acceptable and it is disrespectful.

That was an incredibly unreasonable response to a very balanced and reasonable comment.

Big deal if I were uninvited, I’d say - I wouldn’t want to attend an event where the hosts were so discourteous

Are YOU invited.

Weddings with guests are inevitably the family's business. If you want to have a wedding that's no one else's business then that's what elopements are for.

if you really would like to enquire, it might be about the cost.

When we got married, my DH has a lot of family. My MIL was very difficult about two cousins and their husbands coming. I just explained to her that it was £75-£100 per person and we weren’t willing to spend £400 on people that we didn’t know. I suggested if my MIL wanted them to come, she give us the £400 for them.

In the end she didn’t give us the money and they didn’t come, but at least she knew the reason and I was glad that we were honest and give her the choice.

weddings are really expensive, I imagine it probably is about the money. You could offer to pay.

Can you offer to pay for your mum?

It could well be. But the point remains that inviting your 81 year grandmother to the noisy, late bit of the wedding is pointless for both.
A reception is only fun if you meet up with friends, you like to dance or have a few drinks etc and much easier on those who have had a chance to settle in all day. She probably won’t even get much of a conversation with the couple.
On the other hand the ceremony will likely mean more to the grandmother than for younger guests on their 5th wedding invite that year.
She’ll be one of the few invites that’s actually is good value in terms of ceremony significance.

All the effort to have children, raise them, help raise THEIR children then you hit 80 and you're relegated to "not immediate family".

I hope all the people defending this and doing likewise realise that this might be their futures too.

Sad as most cultures globally are so devoted to their older relatives. I literally can't imagine granny not being guest of honour where I grew up.

Maybe hes just thinking it's expensive and means she will need someone else to care and chaperone her all day and he just wants a relaxed intimate vibe.

My gran and grandad came but didnt want to stay overnight so other guests had to leave early which was a bit annoying